Confused again if I have Bipolar II in addition to CPTSD...

[artemis23]

General trigger warning, nothing graphic

So, I've gone back and forth on this over the years. I thought, in the past, I must be Bipolar II and went on medication for this, then off. I'm certain of the CPTSD diagnosis. The symptoms can really overlap. I've just gotten out of abusive relationship with psychopath (again), I feel like I compulsively repeat trauma from childhood. It used to be unconsciously now it's somewhat conscious, and seems to give me a reason to blame/hurt myself. I saw an old therapist recently as I'm in crisis and she told me her daughter had a manic episode and seems to think I'm bipolar. It felt like she was projecting a lot but I also feel safe with her and had/have no one else who will help me. I recently went to psych hospital and psychiatrist was trained in PTSD from VA hospitals and told me she wouldn't even asses for bipolar because I have been abusing substances (cocaine, felt brainwashed to do it by drug dealer bf) that have withdrawals that could make it look like mania and psychosis. Now that the withdrawals are more or less over, I'm much more stable for sure, though still very much in crisis. Anyways, I really don't feel I have bipolar but maybe I do. I really don't want to be medicated, it hasn't really helped much in the past, and I just don't like it. She seems to think if I'm medicated everything will be fine. I'm struggling because I'm so sick of the cycle of abuse I keep ending up in. I have done major work, inpatient, outpatient, partial hospitalizations, residential treatments, therapy, medication, and major self care/behavior changes. No matter what I seem to cycle between taking good care of myself and getting help, to ending up getting abused and sick again. I"m pretty hopeless at this point. She wanted me to focus on the times I've been well. But all I can see is I keep failing at life and I'm so tired of this cycle. I wonder if she just needs to believe this for her own daughter. She didn't seem to listen when I told her that I feel like my mom is a covert sociopath and I dont feel safe having to live here again but have nowhere else to go. I just dont know what to do anymore. I feel helpless again and I hate it.

[Dee]

I don't have anything to say right now.  I for sure want to send you a hug.   

[Libby12]

Hi Artemis.

I was so sorry to read about your worries. It sounds like you have a lot to get to grips with.

I don't know if I can help in any way.  I am certainly no expert but I did have a few thoughts that might be worth passing on to you.

My nm was my main abuser and she once said she thought I was bipolar because of the way my mood went up and down,  and especially as I would rush to complete projects and tasks, when I was 'in the mood'.  This was a huge criticism of me, in her view.  Actually,  I realise now that this pattern fits much more into the framework of cptsd.   I rush to do things when I feel well, knowing that the energy won't last.   I also have this feeling of a forshortened life that Pete Walker talks of. So I have to make the most of my time.  Then, inevitably,  I have a bad EF period,  depression etc, so right back down again.  Since learning and dealing with cptsd, these mood swings have evened out a lot.   Perhaps your symptoms could be explained in this sort of way. Especially as you are back with mother and don't feel safe.

As you have tried medication in the past and found it ineffective and unpleasant,  you are probably making a good decision to avoid it.  It sounds as if you need help with your actual physical situation - easier said than done, I know.   But it is hard, in my experience anyway, to see how medication would help with this.

I hope you don't mind me saying this, but I think you have a good understanding of your situation,  including the possibility that your therapist is projecting her d situation onto you.   It sounds as if you need some reassurance and back-up.  I think you have made a sound assessment of things and I hope things start to get better for you.   Above all, take care of yourself, and I am sure I speak for everyone one here when I that we are all here for you.

Take care.

Libby.

[artemis23]

Thanks Dee!! I appreciate it.

Thanks Libby, you helped jog me memory of why my symptoms look like bipolar and why other provides and I decided it was probably a misdiagnosis. I was actually happy with the possibility I could be bipolar and have a normal-ish life with medication and treatment. Then I realized I had same issues on heaps of medication and treatment and I totally registered with your understanding that I just never thought I would live very long. It's the trigger for me engaging in risky behaviors. This time I barely survived a tropical disease in another country at the age I never thought I would live to or past (actually hospitalized for in and had my 30th bday there, which was the date little me had in my mind, Judith Herman talks about this in her book Trauma and Recovery). So I gave up on the bipolar thing, after years of meds and all kinds of treatment etc. I think the disappointment that this wasn't helping me is triggering me more now that people want to use it again.

I texted my therapist and I'm going to talk to her today, she's actually the kind who is a social worker and she is an awesome advocate to have on my side, even if a little short sighted about meds helping her daughter to stabilize a lot. I also read this post on a cptsd fb group i'm in about ketamine infusions and it reminded me, I do NOT have a typical reaction to almost any drug or substance, legal or otherwise. This woman hadn't received help from any meds and had a lot of 'diagnoses' that I could relate to as well. That helped me feel like someone really gets it.

Your help is also invaluable because i'm coming out of such a traumatic and abusive situation I'm having trouble with dissociation and memory of past stuff has been hard to recall! 

[ah]

My FOO have done everything in their power to convince me and the world I have psych problems, and for years I believed them. Part of me did anyway. But I now am beginning to understand I had every right to be emotionally over the top, I was being abused and silenced and threatened in every possible way so I was feeling despair, emotional pain, confusion. I too took lots of legal and not so legal substances to numb myself and that left me even more emotional than before. Detoxing helped me gain more strength.

Personally, I think every symptom I have is part of cptsd including looking back at my life and feeling shocked at how easily I kept letting abusers into it. I guess we were both primed for abusive relationships. I think being even partially aware of it, partially recognizing abuse for what it is now, is a huge step forward.

I have no other psych problems, in fact no psych problems, cptsd is in my body. I feel constant fear and anxiety because of a lifetime of unending abuse. And what you describe sounds to me like it may be the same for you? Obviously I'm not a therapist so I don't really know. But sadly, neither do therapists. They do their best but they can make mistakes.
A therapist who is deeply familiar with Bipolar may see it wherever she looks, she may be unaware of it. If you feel pressured to accept a diagnosis and treatment that don't feel 100% right to you, if I were you I'd trust my feelings about it.

Plus your very recent trauma can't possibly have left you feeling emotionally strong and full of self confidence, I bet... it's normal to feel weak and helpless and unsettled, I bet it'll take time for the dust to settle. That just means you're very deeply human.

[Fen Starshimmer]

Hi Artemis,

I am really sorry you are going through this at the moment. To me, it looks like other people (FOO and therapist) are creating more confusion, piled on top of the confusion created from childhood abuse and repeated cycles in adulthood. On the other hand, you do seem incredibly smart, and listening to your body re the effects of the medication and drugs.

Eg, you said about your T:

She wanted me to focus on the times I've been well. But all I can see is I keep failing at life and I'm so tired of this cycle. I wonder if she just needs to believe this for her own daughter. She didn't seem to listen when I told her that I feel like my mom is a covert sociopath and I dont feel safe having to live here again but have nowhere else to go. I just dont know what to do anymore. I feel helpless again and I hate it.

I have been there myself with a T, wanting me to focus on the positive, play happy music, think happy thoughts, while minimising the other stuff that needs work on, needs validating and processing. I put this down to T's not fully  understanding CPTSD, though having the best of intentions, on the whole. So, this makes me think it may be time for you to look for another T, one who has a solid track record in working with people with CPTSD and understands the kinds of approaches that are helpful, rather than inadvertently hindering recovery, and misdiagnosing symptoms.

I agree with Ah, that what you are feeling now is quite normal, especially after just escaping from another psycho and having to live at home in a 'sociopathic' uncaring environment. I hope you can find someone who can help you break these cycles of abuse and move on. They are out there.... It's taken me a number of years and a few Ts, but I've been psycho-free for about three years now and live peacefully alone. It feels good and grounding. Keep going Artemis... things will get better.