Didn't self-harm!

[Blueberry]

The local priest's father died just before Christmas. I decided to give the priest a condolence card. Apart from writing "My condolences" I wasn't sure how to end the card. I had the impulse to write "God bless you" so I did. That's possibly totally wrong and inappropriate since it's usually the priest who says that to his flock and I presume he has a better connection to God than I do.

I haven't pulled my hair out over it though. I often self-harm when I've made a decision and then some inner voice says it was "probably wrong". Oh, that means it's ICr, not just 'some inner voice'. Instead I'm thinking that if my wording was slightly inappropriate, the priest might get a little chuckle over it. Little chuckles kindly meant are good for the world. So long as the person isn't laughing unkindly I mean.

This is huge 

[Rainagain]

It was thoughtful to send a card and the message seems fine to me too.

Well done for resisting the self doubt!

[Blueberry]

Well done for resisting the self doubt!

Thank you 

It's nice you think the message is fine too.

[DecimalRocket]

In the cheesy spirit of good ol' Christmas, it's not the gift that counts. It's the intent of good will in them.

[Sceal]

Really well done for not self-harming! It's really hard not to do when the impulse is there. 

As for saying God bless to a priest, I think that is perfectly alright. I am sure the priests needs their gods blessing just as much as everyone else does! 

[Kat]

I'm so impressed that you didn't self-harm!  I know how strong the desire to do so can be, so WELL DONE!  I've always been one to worry about things like what you've described.  This may not be the right attitude, but over the years I've sometimes found it helpful to tell myself that 1) it's not all about me--he's bound to get numerous cards and 2) in the scheme of things, it doesn't really matter.  He'll remember the outpouring of love and kindness, but not the individual words on every card he receives.

As a side story, I was not raised going to church or following any religion.  When I was in my early 20's a friend asked me to be a brides maid.  She was Catholic.  We were at a rehearsal and the priest was performing communion.  I was at the far end of the pew with the other brides maids.  They all got up and went up for communion.  I didn't know I could just stay seated, so I went with them.  When the priest handed me the wafer, I didn't know what to say, so I said, "Thank you."  A Catholic friend of mine was flipping out that I'd gone up, but we ended up having a good laugh about it.  Ah well...

[Blueberry]

I'm so impressed that you didn't self-harm!  I know how strong the desire to do so can be, so WELL DONE! 

Thank you! That means a lot, especially as I know you have your issues with addictive behaviour and my form of SH is like an addiction.

This may not be the right attitude, but over the years I've sometimes found it helpful to tell myself that 1) it's not all about me--he's bound to get numerous cards and 2) in the scheme of things, it doesn't really matter.  He'll remember the outpouring of love and kindness, but not the individual words on every card he receives.

If that all helps you, it's good! Unfortunately I'm not helped much by cognitive stuff. He's bound to get numerous cards, but mine still has to be perfect. Yikes. It's a major EF going on there. As I wrote on another thread in the past couple of days, even as a child, I was meant to be able to predict how my behaviour or my words would affect other people including not just my younger sib but also my older one, and I was made responsible for their behaviour / words which in case of older sib was physical and verbal abuse towards me. Also in FOO 'perfect' verbal expression was expected. If it wasn't delivered, then immediate correction and/or ridicule resulted. And also refusal to listen to me. So slightly incorrect language usage was always a good excuse for ignoring my complaints of what was being done to me by B1 or M and F themselves.

So with all that going on, it actually does really matter in the grand scheme of things! Now that I have more idea what's behind the SH impulse in this case, I can maybe talk myself and ICs through it next time. But that might also involve emotional work with multiple ICs and ITeens. It seems to be one of the very deeply ingrained wounds. Of course I have looked at it several times in T over the years including fairly recently in trauma T.

This is actually the type of issue that will suddenly improve through trauma T and not particularly through 'practice' replacing it with other activities.

As a side story, I was not raised going to church or following any religion.  ... When the priest handed me the wafer, I didn't know what to say, so I said, "Thank you."  A Catholic friend of mine was flipping out that I'd gone up, but we ended up having a good laugh about it.  Ah well...

I wasn't raised very religious and certainly not Catholic, live in a Catholic area though now. Glad your Catholic friend managed to laugh about the incident later.

[sanmagic7]

blueberry, a great big echo of WELL DONE from me.  it definitely is huge.

as far as wishing god to bless a priest, well, why not!  personally, i  think a priest is maybe more well-versed in the religion, bible, dogma, etc. than we lay people, but i truly believe it was a totally appropriate wish for him.  i would think he would be delighted to get some of the 'blessing' back after handing it out all the time. 

we all need support, no matter what hat we wear, in times of duress.  it sounds like it came from your heart, so how could it ever be not ok.   big hug to you, sweetie.

[Blueberry]

i would think he would be delighted to get some of the 'blessing' back after handing it out all the time. 

we all need support, no matter what hat we wear, in times of duress. 

Good points!

it sounds like it came from your heart, so how could it ever be not ok.   

I suppose because in FOO I learned that 1) everything I did, thought, said, felt was wrong per se because it came from me and 2) feelings didn't really count anyway, unless you could prove them somehow, by intellectual means of course.

Fortunately i started healing a long time ago from all that baloney, but it still hits home in a big way sometimes. And then I get pretty EF-fy. But just today this incident occured to me again, which helped me see that I'd otherwise forgotten it. It hadn't been following me around for days. 

to you san

[Blueberry]

I made a pretty minor decision yesterday, turns out this afternoon that my peers don't quite agree. But it's OK. I definitely have more self-forgiveness than probably even a week ago. I have no impulse to self-harm over it and didn't do so either. Another huge thing for me! 

Also this morning I had an impulse to do the other type of self-harm (the one I'm kind of over) though I don't know exactly what triggered the impulse. I did kind of argue back and forth with myself "go ahead and do it, nobody's going to know" but then "you've officially stopped doing this, and if you take it up again, then you're hurting the ICs which means yourself as well" etc.

I then used a method my T suggested to figure out what might be behind it. Answer: hysterically screaming Inner Baby. Idk what's behind that today, but I decided not to self-harm. Didn't want to distress Inner Baby even more. So good decision too, towards those well-worn healthier paths. 

[Sceal]

Great work! I know how hard it is to fight the impulse to self-harm!
I am so happy you managed to resist! 

[hereforhope]

That's great to hear! I hope that from now, resisting the IC will only get easier and easier. Sending you well-wishes!

[Blueberry]

Thank you hereforhope! I resisted yesterday (or day before?) too.

[sanmagic7]

wow, blueberry.  keep up the good work.  you're doing great.

i know from experience that slipups occur at times, but that doesn't take anything away from the progress you're making.  well done, sweetie.  big hug.

[Blueberry]

Thanks san! I had some slip-ups in past couple of days too. It often happens when I'm doing professional work of the more difficult type.