Is it okay to be a male victim of adult sa/r?

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Andyman73

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Is it okay to be a male victim of adult sa/r?
« on: December 26, 2017, 11:00:07 AM »
Is it okay to be a male victim of adult sa/r? There is no #metoo, or anything for me. There is for my child abuse, and my csa/r. But not for my adult abuse.

I'm quite sure this thread won't get off the ground as nobody really wants to hear about a man anyway.

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Rainagain

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Re: Is it okay to be a male victim of adult sa/r?
« Reply #1 on: December 26, 2017, 12:18:39 PM »
Hey Andyman,

Everyone is valuable here, your experiences are just as important as anyone's.

I've had a lot of support here, I don't think my gender was relevant.

I hope you come to feel supported here, what you suffered is not OK, not OK at all.

Best wishes.

 

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Hope66

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Re: Is it okay to be a male victim of adult sa/r?
« Reply #2 on: December 26, 2017, 01:16:20 PM »
Hi Andy,
Just wanted to say that your views and your experiences are important, and I think there should be a place for you - alongside all of us - i.e. regardless of gender - to have your feelings, your thoughts, and your experiences validated.   Both for abuse suffered as a child, and also as an adult - I don't think the age matters in that respect - as I think all forms of abuse, at whatever age, are not appropriate.   :hug: to you, and hope you know that you matter.
Hope  :)

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Rainagain

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Re: Is it okay to be a male victim of adult sa/r?
« Reply #3 on: December 26, 2017, 03:34:06 PM »
I've just remembered that cptsd can occur at any age and any gender, I developed mine over the last few years in my early 50's so it can happen to anyone If enough trauma is applied, especially by others.

It took around 2 years of trauma before I became very Ill, many people who had our experiences would be here with us, nobody is indestructible, we are all human.

I feel proud of the # me too campaign, long overdue. It doesn't make me feel left out because there is nothing I have found specifically about the trauma of work related abuse and violence, if someone else is being validated and supported it doesn't make me feel left out.

We are all in the same boat here. We know how tough it is and we understand the pain.

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BlancaLap

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Re: Is it okay to be a male victim of adult sa/r?
« Reply #4 on: December 26, 2017, 03:35:04 PM »
You being a man has nothing to do with being important or not. Everyone should have a voice, support, and validation of their experience.

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Three Roses

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Re: Is it okay to be a male victim of adult sa/r?
« Reply #5 on: December 26, 2017, 04:28:51 PM »
It's something we don't talk about as a society, that men can be victims of SA & R, too. You're important to us here, Andyman, and you help to remind us of the truth. Love and peace to you.  :hug:

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Sceal

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Re: Is it okay to be a male victim of adult sa/r?
« Reply #6 on: December 26, 2017, 06:02:59 PM »
Oh Andy!
I don't know where to begin.  ( And I do apologize if this turns out to be a long answer)
It doesn't matter what gender you are. SA at any age is a truly horrifying thing to experience, and there is totally room for you too to speak of your troubles, worries and horrors.

The #Metoo campaign is incredible important for society to have. I do know there have been atleast a few men who has joined in the fight as victims as well as supporters. But they are sadly not many. And on a side note, I do feel that the #metoo campaign changed focus a little.

I had a conversation with my lady at the SA center in my city in regards to men. There had been a recent articles with a bunch of comments that had upset me. It was about men being abused, and that men felt more shame and horror than women. It was painful to read that, because I don't believe it's true. It's not a competition about who is hurting the worst amongst the genders or between each other. I believe the pain and shame can be equally big for all of us. My SA center lady agreed from her experiences with talking with victims of all genders. The biggest differenence is, she said, that women tend to seek help more than men (I don't know about transexuals). That's my experience when I worked in the health sector as well, women tended to talk more. Not always, everyone is different. But generally speaking.

I think it's sad that it is like that. Men should have room to speak up about their health and worries and women should have room to speak up in public and in business - and both be respected equally.

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Sceal

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Re: Is it okay to be a male victim of adult sa/r?
« Reply #7 on: December 26, 2017, 06:21:24 PM »
P.S If you haven't come across this organisation yet 1in6, I'd like to share the link with you:
https://1in6.org/
Maybe there are something there that can give you more connection to what you're going through.
Also I found this article : https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/21653264
I only read the abstract, but maybe it is worth a ready.

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woodsgnome

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Re: Is it okay to be a male victim of adult sa/r?
« Reply #8 on: December 26, 2017, 07:34:44 PM »
***TRIGGERS (sorry)***

Don't know quite how to say this, other than...btw, I'm a guy. Maybe I'm blind, but I've always felt like OOTS and the issues discussed here are gender neutral for the most part. But it might just be  me, as I'm probably more asexual than anything. Still human, far as I can tell.

I was sexually molested by women and men as a kid, starting with the m but including a whole parade of teachers in 2 religious private schools all the way to age 18. I survived. I thought I was even turning the corner, that I was too old, at age 21; I'd found a good job, was enjoying college, found people who really liked me, and then...

...was sexually assaulted in the back area of a park, by a guy...it didn't turn out well, I've never trusted anyone since...and...

...it's really impossible to say anymore, and I hope that's okay. I don't have it in me to say more right now, but I just wanted you to know you're not alone, not at all; and that you're safe here. As I am; so now my tears are stopping me.

Please take good care  :hug:

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Kat

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Re: Is it okay to be a male victim of adult sa/r?
« Reply #9 on: December 26, 2017, 07:57:40 PM »
Andyman and Woodsgnome, I'm so, so sorry for what you each have suffered.  I don't have much to add--I think the previous posts have pretty much covered my thoughts on the topic.  I'm sorry society is so afraid to look at sexual assault of adult males.  Perhaps the implications are too much to handle?

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Andyman73

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Re: Is it okay to be a male victim of adult sa/r?
« Reply #10 on: December 27, 2017, 04:23:34 AM »
Iím so so sorry. Iím sorry Iím sorry.   

OOTS is fantastic and no way shape or form impinging upon voice.

I was asking the Universe.  I have looked everywhere. EVERYWHERE!!! 😔 I donít fit.  I can be an adult victim of child abuse. I can be an adult survivor of csa/r. I can sorta be a victim of domestic violence abuse.  But I canít really be an adult male victim of adult sa/r. However I canít be a 44 year old man who is all of these things.  I canít. 

I canít talk freely anywhere. Both here and the other community I belong to, the guidelines for posting silence me too often. I donít want to step out, but seem to do so, when I try to talk about me.  Itís nobodyís fault. I canít remember what I can or canít say till moderators let me know I stepped over the line. Theyíre doing what they are here for. Which Iím glad for.
But how do I make any progress when I am my own worst enemy??? I mean, my own cognitive limitations and faulty memory unintentionally conspire against me.
I love all of you and will try to respond to your posts when I can. Please accept my sincerist apologies.

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Rainagain

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Re: Is it okay to be a male victim of adult sa/r?
« Reply #11 on: December 27, 2017, 06:04:29 AM »
Hey Andy,

Be kind and gentle with yourself, I'm sorry that you are distressed.

I don't know what else to say right now but I don't feel I fit in anywhere really.

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Sceal

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Re: Is it okay to be a male victim of adult sa/r?
« Reply #12 on: December 27, 2017, 07:24:50 AM »
 :bighug:
Have you started your own journal? maybe there you'll be able to be a bit more freer to what you want and need to say as long as you include triggerwarnings and avoid hate speech?

There is room for you in this world too, Andy. There is.

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Andyman73

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Re: Is it okay to be a male victim of adult sa/r?
« Reply #13 on: December 27, 2017, 05:34:25 PM »
Rainagain,
I haven't been made to feel less in anyway, here in OOTS. But I need to talk about this because it weighs very heavily on me. I think #metoo is way overdue, and I'm so very glad that it is making big waves in social media and entertainment industry.  Being a man made me feel left out before #metoo got big.  My experience in the Military really drove that gender point home.  Rain, I so very very much appreciate that you came and posted here. I got an idea, maybe we can form our own club, for those of us who feel we don't fit in anywhere. It can be the "Everyone Fits Here" club.  safe  :hug:

Hope66,
Hi Hope, thank you so much for reassuring me in this. I don't believe I've been made uncomfortable by any of you lovely ladies, or manly men either. I have been by some of the tops though, here and my other community. Some are gender specific...not male, either. And while no harm intended, still does. I even tried to ask a question once, regarding differences in experiences between men and women as victims and abusers. Got no answers, just a heavy hand of rebuke. Not on OOTS, but elsewhere. And the question was worded in a very neutral manner.  Thank you for  :hug: and saying I matter.  :bighug:

BlancaLap,
Thank you. Yes, we all should have that opportunity to be heard.

3Roses,
Yes, and therein lies the rub. Society, which is where most of us live, chooses not to see men as adult victims of adult abuse..not till we're oldsters and elder abuse comes into play. Society sees me as a grown survivor of cpa and csa/r...and that's it.  Love and peace to you, as well.  :bighug:

Sceal,
Long answers are always welcome! As are short and tiny, and emoji only answers too!  Did that article give reasons why it was saying men hurt more? I've read some things like that too...and while had some issue swallowing it, there were some valid points. But without the points, it's meaningless heresy. I can't remember specifically what I had read...something to do with society expecting men to be manly, and suck it up, and men can't be r unless gay, then it was acceptable. And something about the general overall lack of available resources for men was another issue. Anyway, those where some of the things I recall. Not sure how accurate that is.
Personally I try to stay as far as possible from those kinds of discussions. I been burned several times just for being male, without even having brought up the gender issues. I'll never forget the looks on the faces of the female clients at the DV shelter. Such utter contempt and hatred I've only seen on my abusive wife's face before. I still get chills thinking about that. Won't say how bad it made me feel...
And I try even harder to not compare. I tend to be in default mode of minimize my experience, because I don't feel safe otherwise. It helps me to not minimize others experiences if I default to theirs being so much more than mine. That way I can give them their due, and show them love and compassion.

I've looked into "1in6" and couldn't get comfortable with it. Felt too much like some of my experiences, especially the longrunning DV marriage abuse, singled me out and excluded me.
And I did start my journal, but have a hard time posting in it sometimes. I don't have any hate speech, so that's not an issue with me.  :bighug:

Woodsgnome,
I'm so so sorry my friend, not mean to make tears for you. Safe  :bighug: if okay.
I've been assaulted by both males and females, from teens to grown mature adults. Very first remembered was a man my dad's age. or older. I was 2. Was 21-22 when last assaulted by male...about my age. But was older for last assault by female, few years older than me, before met wife...who been abusing me for 21 years now.  Thank you for sharing a tiny peek of yourself here, my friend.  :bighug: Gentlest care to you as well.

Kat,
It's very possible that society is afraid to actually see and address this issue. Thank you for coming by.

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Rainagain

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Re: Is it okay to be a male victim of adult sa/r?
« Reply #14 on: December 27, 2017, 07:10:53 PM »
Oh, Andy

I'm so sorry you have been through so very much.

I don't know what to say really, but I wish you some peace, maybe a new section on here would help, I haven't done a journal but maybe it gets easier with time?

Best wishes, you matter. Your experiences matter too.