Is it okay to be a male victim of adult sa/r?

[Sceal]

Dear Andy,

I can't recall the spesifics of the article I read to begin with. But I think what they referred to is that men tend to get a physical responce that they cannot control. One that is far more visible to the naked eye, than a womans natural physical responce. And that it is thought that brings on more shame. But women too can get similar physical responce that is unwanted, and completely out of their own control.
It is a hard subject all together. It is so complex! And so very painful. Sometimes I have no idea how I am going to continue enduring it all, the memories, the reminders.
I can relate to finding it difficult to write in the journal. I hardly ever write about that topic in regards to myself. But I do find it helpful to write about other things, that in some way or another relates to that topic. And maybe one day, it'll be easier. I hope so for you too.
I am sorry to hear 1in6 didn't particularly help you. But perhaps there are other services, maybe even local ones that could?

[Andyman73]

Rainagain,
Ehhh, it's okay. You may or may not be surprised how often I hear that. Really. Seems most folks say it to me.  😔 I don't know what to say...the most common phrase I have been told.  It's okay...how do you honestly respond to someone telling you something like my story?
Rainagain, truly I'm just glad you care enough to be here even without knowing what to say. Being here says it all. Thank you. 

Sceal,
Yeah, that noticeable and obvious physical response thing....sure messes with your mind...especially when you do know what is happening and your mind is so desperately not wanting to be here. And you're feeling betrayed by your body's automatic physical response. When I was being sa/r by a predator as a young man, I was deep in derealization(I think), my POV was from deep inside my own self, but my physical body was responding to physical stimuli against my will. Stupid body enjoying it!🤬
Worse yet, the most powerful orgasms I ever had were during his abuse of me.  Stupid biology!!! 🤬🤯
I can't even begin to imagine how much this has really really messed with my mind.  I don't even bother thinking about how I'm going to make it. I won't, if I think about it. So I just don't. I try to worry only about today.
It's not so much that I can't write in my journal, about this stuff, but I'm too afraid of getting censored. Too afraid that the real truth will just get me shut down. Maybe with oodles of TWs it might be okay then.
I've looked into everything I could find, online. There are a few options but they all cater to a specific survivor group. None of them cover enough to help me. But that's okay, what choice do I really have anyway?

[ah]

Andy,

It's not okay to be a victim of any type of abuse, methinks it's just not okay that any of us have to even know the words "abuse" or "sa" or "r". But if anyone deserves to be seen and heard it's you, with your kindness and empathy. I think this post is brave.

I think you're absolutely right about feeling left out. You are being left out, I'm just wildly guessing there are all sorts of unrealistic stereotypes that leave this topic so invisible and unknown, and its victims feeling like they're not allowed to be in pain.
But you are. Violence doesn't discriminate, it doesn't care if you're male or female. Nor does cptsd, or kindness or caring for that matter. Or recovery, even.

A while back I remember you saying that you were looking for information? I think? I searched, thinking I'd try to find things for you if I could, and I realized just how much you're left out when I couldn't find anything. 

The physical response must be beyond humiliating and leave you feeling more betrayed. Then there's the social cluelessness humiliating victims into silence and self blame... first our abusers tell us we're not real people with real feelings and then society unintentionally does too.

I can strongly relate but like woodsgnome, it's really impossible for me to say anymore and I hope that's okay. Some of the things I go through I can't share because they're ongoing, but also because they're hard to believe and just not socially considered, let alone socially accepted.
It's extremely isolating, I feel like an alien here too at times. There's no in group for me, I'm a group of just one crazy ah... well, that's how it feels to me.

My guess is there are many "aliens" out there, and I hope brave souls will write about it online, write journals and sites and share what it's like to be an adult male victim of adult sa/r and what it's like to be so doubly isolated. It's desperately needed.
I hope you'll be one of them... maybe? You have a heart the size of the atlantic ocean and if I were a victim of adult male sa/r I'd treasure your words. They'd show me I'm not alone.

Neither are you though I bet you feel very alone sometimes. Who wouldn't after all you've gone through and still go through?

[sanmagic7]

my first thought, also, when i read the title, was 'it's not ok to be a victim of anything', not trying to exclude you, but no one should be a victim, should have that experience, should have to go thru that pain and suffering.   it's absolutely not ok to have been victimized in any way, shape, or form.  it's shameful that it's happened, but it's not the victim's shame - it's the perpetrator's shame.  it's never the victim's shame or guilt or fault.  never.

unfortunately, our society has made these guidelines about what men and women are about, what's 'ok' for them and what isn't.  men are often shamed for human responses and emotions from the time they're little boys, especially around crying and showing that they're in pain.  they're more often taught to be tough, rough, and objectify women.  therefore, any type of sexual abuse/assault belongs in the male domain.

it's very slowly been coming to light that yes, it is possible for a man to be sexually assaulted by a woman, although there are still far too many people who refuse to believe it.  i know several men personally who have experienced this, both as adolescents and as grown men.  they've all looked to others to validate their experience.  this was about 40 yrs. ago that i began hearing about it.

i also belong to a feminist book club where this type of 'equality' has been discussed.  there, too, it has been validated.   i would hope that men could get together and begin constructing dv shelters and real life support groups for this situation.  i think it's been needed for a very long time, but i do believe (just my opinion) that men may have gotten a bit of a more shameful label due to societal beliefs.  most particularly in this area.

and i say this because as boys, men have been shamed for showing emotions (except for anger), for their love of the creative arts (as compared to sports), for being vulnerable (a sign of 'weakness') and for crying out in pain.  for girls, these situations have been more acceptable, somehow.  in fact, the worst insult a male can have hurled at him is a slang term for a part of the female anatomy.

so, no wonder you feel alone and hanging out there on your own with this, andy.  the cards have been stacked against you and other men with your experiences from time immemorial.  (i'm not taking anything away from what women have had to deal with in their lives, just putting some focus on the other side of the tortilla for a minute).   my heart aches for anyone who has gone thru any of this, and shame on the perps for causing such suffering.

i hope you can find a way to be able to talk about what happened the way you need to.  have you asked any of the mods here more specifically about what you could say or what, exactly, you aren't allowed to say?  maybe one of them can help you with that.  where is the boundary for 'explicit'?

or, maybe you could write it on paper, put it in an envelope, and symbolically send it (name or initials only, no address) by sticking it in a mailbox.  be as explicit as you want, get it out of you and have it in black and white on paper.  i've done that. 
sometimes just getting it out of us helps a lot, even if no one will see it.

i've known people who have put such letters in a collection plate at a church where abuse took place.  no names necessary.  or left at a school.  i don't know if any of this might help - just passing on some ideas that have helped others when they've had nowhere else to go with their pain.

please know, andy, that as far as i'm concerned, none of this should have happened to you, and i'm truly sorry it did.  you are a courageous man for having survived it, and thank you for speaking out about it.  i know other men with this issue, have heard of many more, so i know you're not alone, and i know it's true and real.  safe, gentle, warm loving hug to you. 

you didn't deserve any of it.

[BlancaLap]

my first thought, also, when i read the title, was 'it's not ok to be a victim of anything', not trying to exclude you, but no one should be a victim, should have that experience, should have to go thru that pain and suffering.   it's absolutely not ok to have been victimized in any way, shape, or form.  it's shameful that it's happened, but it's not the victim's shame - it's the perpetrator's shame.  it's never the victim's shame or guilt or fault.  never.

[Andyman73]

ah, San, BlancaLap,

It's so very very hard to even begin to express how I feel. As far as my ASA and DV goes. I don't even know what to feel about it. How does one go about feeling and experiencing something that society in general doesn't even believe in? I may as well try to explain how I felt when I saw Santa Claus come down my chimney 2 weeks ago, as a 44 yr old adult.

Watched a recent episode of Law and Order; SVU, and the victims were adult males. And most of the detectives had a hard time believing it was even possible for adult males..outside of a prison setting, to be SA/R. Boy, that hit home like  .

Will try my best to be as open as I can. Love you all. 

Andy 

[BlancaLap]

[sanmagic7]

but, did they, in the end, believe it in the show?  if so, it shouts a strong message to those watching, and i'm really glad they tackled the subject.  i hope they did.

i think this subject is just coming out of its own shadows - finally - and that's a good thing.  it's slow going, i know, but it's going nonetheless.

hang tough, andy.  hug filled with belief, warmth, and love to you.

[Sceal]

In the #metoo campaign here about a week or so ago one of the more famous male actors (especially within theatre and voice acting) stood up and said that he had been the victim of sexual harrassment. He didn't go into details, but he said loud and clear that men needs a room to be heard, believed and cared for. And that more men should dare to voice their concerns, problems and heartbreaks (especially) in relation to this topic.

With him coming forward, I hope that it also means that people will start to open their eyes and hearts.

[Andyman73]

but, did they, in the end, believe it in the show?  if so, it shouts a strong message to those watching, and i'm really glad they tackled the subject.  i hope they did.

i think this subject is just coming out of its own shadows - finally - and that's a good thing.  it's slow going, i know, but it's going nonetheless.

hang tough, andy.  hug filled with belief, warmth, and love to you.

Not really sure, since the perp in question was a female authority figure, who ended up with a slap on the wrist, basically.  I'd like to think that they did, but I just didn't really feel it.
Thank you for the love filled hug..so lovely. 

[Rowan]

Trigger warnings





Personally,, although I didn't realise it, the campaign triggered me as well, and my T helped me realise that in one case I was assaulted by a female (as a late minor, under the influence); and in another by a "friend" who is gay.

Outright, it needs to be said.

For every one of my female friends who participated in the campaign, I responded in private message with the tag, and a brief recount (similar to what's above), and  words of love, compassion and encouragement.

Most were stunned, and completely unaware - in both cases I've lived in silence for over 25 years.

It is terrible, but, you are not alone.


Rowan

[Three Roses]

Brave post, Rowan (and welcome).

[Andyman73]

Trigger warnings





Personally,, although I didn't realise it, the campaign triggered me as well, and my T helped me realise that in one case I was assaulted by a female (as a late minor, under the influence); and in another by a "friend" who is gay.

Outright, it needs to be said.

For every one of my female friends who participated in the campaign, I responded in private message with the tag, and a brief recount (similar to what's above), and  words of love, compassion and encouragement.

Most were stunned, and completely unaware - in both cases I've lived in silence for over 25 years.

It is terrible, but, you are not alone.


Rowan

Hi Rowan,
Looking back, I think what bothered me the most about the #metoo campain, was feeling left out. For me, I've only been living with this since January 2017. Before then, I had no memory or even an inkling that this actually had been my life. Nearly none of my nightmares has any clues to my past.  Even moreso, Since I am not on mainstream social media, I don't know a single person who has added #metoo to their social media pages.  Okay, let me clarify...I don't know if they did or not....cuz I"m not on.

Thank you for saying I'm not alone.
Andy

[Rainstorm11]

No abuse or harm is right. Gender has nothing to do with it. I advocated for men to join in saying #metoo
You matter

[mikenoodle]

Hi Andy.

Of course it's ok. You did not choose to be abused. Abuse chose you. I know very well how societal stigma can seem invincible, but it's not.

Someone commented earlier that OOTD seems gender neutral and I believe that it is. I have felt welcomed here and validated.

This is a great place to share. I even started s journal here. My therapist has wanted me to journal for a long time. I've never felt safe doing it at home. Somehow this is anonymous enough to make me comfortable.