my first thought, also, when i read the title, was 'it's not ok to be a victim of anything', not trying to exclude you, but no one should be a victim, should have that experience, should have to go thru that pain and suffering. it's absolutely not ok to have been victimized in any way, shape, or form. it's shameful that it's happened, but it's not the victim's shame - it's the perpetrator's shame. it's never the victim's shame or guilt or fault. never.
unfortunately, our society has made these guidelines about what men and women are about, what's 'ok' for them and what isn't. men are often shamed for human responses and emotions from the time they're little boys, especially around crying and showing that they're in pain. they're more often taught to be tough, rough, and objectify women. therefore, any type of sexual abuse/assault belongs in the male domain.
it's very slowly been coming to light that yes, it is possible for a man to be sexually assaulted by a woman, although there are still far too many people who refuse to believe it. i know several men personally who have experienced this, both as adolescents and as grown men. they've all looked to others to validate their experience. this was about 40 yrs. ago that i began hearing about it.
i also belong to a feminist book club where this type of 'equality' has been discussed. there, too, it has been validated. i would hope that men could get together and begin constructing dv shelters and real life support groups for this situation. i think it's been needed for a very long time, but i do believe (just my opinion) that men may have gotten a bit of a more shameful label due to societal beliefs. most particularly in this area.
and i say this because as boys, men have been shamed for showing emotions (except for anger), for their love of the creative arts (as compared to sports), for being vulnerable (a sign of 'weakness') and for crying out in pain. for girls, these situations have been more acceptable, somehow. in fact, the worst insult a male can have hurled at him is a slang term for a part of the female anatomy.
so, no wonder you feel alone and hanging out there on your own with this, andy. the cards have been stacked against you and other men with your experiences from time immemorial. (i'm not taking anything away from what women have had to deal with in their lives, just putting some focus on the other side of the tortilla for a minute). my heart aches for anyone who has gone thru any of this, and shame on the perps for causing such suffering.
i hope you can find a way to be able to talk about what happened the way you need to. have you asked any of the mods here more specifically about what you could say or what, exactly, you aren't allowed to say? maybe one of them can help you with that. where is the boundary for 'explicit'?
or, maybe you could write it on paper, put it in an envelope, and symbolically send it (name or initials only, no address) by sticking it in a mailbox. be as explicit as you want, get it out of you and have it in black and white on paper. i've done that.
sometimes just getting it out of us helps a lot, even if no one will see it.
i've known people who have put such letters in a collection plate at a church where abuse took place. no names necessary. or left at a school. i don't know if any of this might help - just passing on some ideas that have helped others when they've had nowhere else to go with their pain.
please know, andy, that as far as i'm concerned, none of this should have happened to you, and i'm truly sorry it did. you are a courageous man for having survived it, and thank you for speaking out about it. i know other men with this issue, have heard of many more, so i know you're not alone, and i know it's true and real. safe, gentle, warm loving hug to you.
you didn't deserve any of it.
