my story (long, TW heavy)

[vinten]

TW for: emotional/physical/sexual abuse, suicide ideation/mention, self harm, eating disorder (lmk if there is anything else I should add a CW for!) Also this is very very long just an fyi. Kudos if you get to the end

So talking about C-PTSD stuff is new for me and honestly kinda scary because I don't have a """real""" diagnosis. Every mental health professional I've talked to either refuses to believe it/won't diagnose, or slaps me with a diagnosis that /could/ fit but doesn't tell the entire story.

So here is my story. I was raised mostly by my dad as a little kid and was socialized as a adult basically. My mom always had ridiculously high standards for me, and probably had some form of factitious disorder by proxy. She spent my entire childhood INSISTING I was somewhere on the autism spectrum. Probably because I thought kids were kinda boring/unrelatable and I've always been super interested in animals and science. She'd drag me to specialist after specialist, make me take tests, and talk to other kids with the "same" condition I had and basically had this idea in her head that I was socially inept and needed to be cured.

But despite the fact that my mom thought all this, she insisted I get perfect grades and act totally normal and how dare I ever slip up! Anything short of perfection was unacceptable and she'd let me know just how inadequate I was. Making comments on my body size from when I was 7/8 years old, telling me I'm stupid for getting "bad" grades (I have always been an A student....), telling me I have no friends because I didn't invite a lot of people over etc etc. Sometimes she would hit me or choke me or throw things at me.

So I did what any kid would do: I bought into this idea that I needed to be perfect. I focused obsessively on my weight/appearance and developed at eating disorder which I've had now for.... 12 years. I became increasingly suicidal as my ED progressed and at my worst (when I was around 13/14) I started to self harm and think about suicide almost daily and attempted suicide on a few occasions. I also shelled myself away a lot and tried to find support online but ended up getting bullied on the internet a lot and got doxxed and had people send death threats. Lots of fun stuff. While all this was happening, my mom refused to believe I had an ED (she was jealous of me for being so "in control") and thought I was attention seeking when I was self harming. But of course my fake autism diagnosis was still valid. After I was hospitalized for a suicide attempt she took my depression kinda seriously and forced me to take antidepressants. But I took them super inconsistently and they reacted badly with my brain and I'd have lots of psychotic episodes. She took my to psychologists but would talk to them behind my back so nothing was secret. I was getting "treatment" but it was so halfassed! And made me further distrust mental health professionals. And now I can't even hear the rattling of pill bottles for psych-related meds without being set off. I still got good grades despite literally being on the verge of death tho. But my mom would still scream at me about them and say I wasn't good enough.

Fast forward to high school. My ED is still there, though not nearly as life threatening. I got myself to stop self harming after my sophomore year (huge victory!!!). I was getting good grades. I realized I wasn't straight (more on this later) and got a girlfriend. She was much older, in college at the time, and very very immature and emotionally abusive. But I didn't realize it at the time because wow, a girl noticed me! We were in a long distance relationship. High school was kinda stupid but not as bad as middle school. I got into my top college (who's stupid now, mom?) and things were looking up.

And for a while they were! I kicked butt my first semester of college, I'm studying a major I love that's relevant to my career, and I made friends!! My mom hopped off a bit after I got the first 4.0 (after asking me for 20 mins if that was the best grade the uni offered. lol).
But my ex-gf (the one from HS) was getting increasingly abusive. She was clingy and distant at the same time, only cared about herself, had no career aspirations, and intended to sit on her lazy * while I would support both of us. She planned to move to my area to close the distance, but our relationship was falling apart rapidly during the moving process mostly due to abuse and miscommunication. I started having feelings for another person who treated me the way I deserved. And I guess with that + a few other factors, I left my ex-gf. We had to spend winter break together because her family was a distance away and I genuinely felt bad about leaving her alone over the holidays, even though I had broken up with her. And that's when the sexual abuse started. We would drink heavily (I would, she'd have only a little bc she never rly drank much) and then she'd coerce me into doing sexual stuff. It felt so wrong and I didn't want to send mixed messages; the relationship was over. But she would scream and cry if I didn't comply. So I'd just take it. I felt disgusting.

After break, I cut ties with her. I felt a little better about myself. I started dating a guy who treats me so so well and I'm still with him over a year later!! I realized that I don't identify as a girl and prefer neutral pronouns and I feel so much better about my identity. I'm working on my career, still killin it at school, found a therapist who specializes in trauma, and trying to work on healing from my ED. It's been a wild ride, but I'm excited to continue with recovery.

But I still have a lot of emotional baggage to deal with. And I guess that's why I'm here now, sharing this. Thank you so much for taking the time to listen/read.

[BlancaLap]

I'm so angry at your mother. It feels so wrong what she did to you... you have been through a lot. I'm so sorry, nobody deserves that. I wish you good luck for now on. 

[Dee]

Welcome to OOTS.  I am glad that you are in a relationship you like and are receiving help.

Please take time to familiarize yourself with our guidelines.  Again, welcome!

http://outofthefog.net/C-PTSD/forum/index.php?board=104.0

[DecimalRocket]

That sounds like one * of a ride. I'm glad you've found a way out of there though. It must be really effortful to break ties like that, and to keep on going when people are against you.

Many people here relate, including me, in people not believing you enough. Including parents, therapists, friends, lovers and a surprising number of people. To be so isolated that the people who are supposed to be the closest to you or are supposed to be experts in a subject are actively harming you is deeply unfortunate. Especially when it takes away our confidence to believe in ourselves.

People are supposed to see issues from both sides of the argument, from all essential people involved. Yet they are not. To look away from the truth is injustice.

Take care. Welcome to OOTS. You're safe here. I promise. 

[Three Roses]

Welcome! I'm glad you've made it through all that and have found your way here! Thanks for joining and posting. 

[deptofhearts]

made it to the end and am actually amazed at your tenacity and resilience - AND I too am angry at yr mom. sounds like you all might have benefited had she been the one getting a diagnosis! keep up the great work in college if you can and stay strong with boundaries - we are so vulnerable with these crappy upbringings as we are in great need of affirmation and love.... and sounds like you, along with a lot of us blur the lines, haven't felt secure or healthy enough to say NO and walk away.... it does get better though. hope you got some good support. XXX 

[PeTe]

vinten, I see how your upbringing would give CPTSD. I think it's great that you take this step to talk about it, even after mental health professionals disagree. That, and the rest of your story speaks of the resilience you have (ending an abusive relationship, acing college, getting into good relationships). I think it's also good that you want to tackle the emotional baggage you mention  Don't be afraid to write more