Learning to be social again, help?

[goblinchild]

I feel like so many of the ways I act around people can be explained by my situation and are understandable, but without that explanation I probably seem uninterested in people. I worry I'm too distant because I don't understand what kinds of interaction are me 'showing interest' and what's me 'just showing up'. I'm too quiet and not expressive, how can people tell if they want to be around me if I can't express who I am? What I like? How I act? How do people know when I enjoy them being around?

It's not like I'm not making effort, if people knew maybe it would be more apparent that I'm trying but I'm not like...socialized. I'm new. It's hard and I'm still learning.

But I'm scared of being honest because every time I've even tried to scratch the surface of what I've been though with someone (once with a therapy hotline!) it's like it's way too much. I feel like I'm asking them to believe I stepped out of an unrealistic horror movie. But I've been in virtual isolation half my life. The only people I had contact with regularly were abusive and a big chunk of the people in-between were causing medical trauma. I'm supposed to be figuring out how to be authentic and speak my truth. How do I even mention this though without sounding like I'm trying to be Eleven from Stranger Things? I feel like I need to tone it down or change my wording or delivery maybe from how I think about it in my head because I'm afraid I sound over-dramatic and unrealistic. Like I'm making up something outrageous for attention.

[Contessa]

This is a very tough question Goblinchild.

It sounds to me that you're stuck trying to teach yourself new skills, in the moment, without any prior guidance or example to learn from. Now that is a tough situation.

What is the situation of your socialization? Is it work related?

[Libby12]

Hi Goblinchild.

How I wish I had a good answer to this question. I suspect it is a huge issue for many people here.

Firstly, I noticed the word "again"  in the title of your post,  but from reading what you wrote,  I think that maybe, like me, you have never been social.  My childhood of abuse led to such low esteem that I could not believe anyone would want to be around me.  If I did make a friend or have any sort of positive social experience,  my nm made sure she ruined it and bought me right back where she believed I belonged.  Controlled by and beholdened to her for any connection.

How can we be social beings if we never learned the basics? It's so hard.

I get the impression that you really do want to be more social.   Hope I am right there.   For myself,  I am not sure that being sociable was particularly in my nature.  I tried because society expects people to be social and shames those who are not.   It might be worth considering what exactly you want from being social.  Meeting up with a group of people in a noisy bar is not for everyone.  I look at my dd who loves this sort of socialising and think that this never worked for me even when I was younger.  My sons would hate this sort of evening out! What I am struggling to say is don't think you have to fit into the sort of mode society decrees as normal.  This might not be for you but don't feel shamed by this.

On the same line of thought,  I wonder if you are trying to hard too be social and giving it all to much thought.  I was certainly guilty of that when I was younger.   When we are so affected by abuse, any dealings with other people seem so fraught with difficulty. Again,  I am struggling with my ideas, but I think what I am trying to say is that it doesn't matter what others might think. Go along to social events with no expectations.   Be quiet if that feels right and more open if the situation arises.  As you feel more at ease with yourself,  you may find it easier to connect.  Also,  it is a cliché,  but other people are probably finding socialising hard to.   My dd tells me about friends that seem so outgoing and yet confide their difficulties and I am so surprised to hear that such seemingly "out there"  people are so troubled socially under that confident exterior.

Sorry if I have waffled on and given you little of value.   Just decide what sort of socialising is for you - don't push yourself because you feel you should.  Be however you want to be, with few expectations,  see how it goes but never feel obliged to socialise in a certain way.

Now I am older, I can be social when I want to. Which isn't very often. I could go to a gathering, and maybe enjoy it as long as it was on my own terms.  I wish I had realised this years ago.  I really hope,  and believe that as we accept ourselves more and more,  others will accept us and if they don't,  we accept and move on.

Just don't put yourself under too much pressure, and I wish you well in finding social contact.

All the best,

Libby.

[Three Roses]

I like hiding behind activity when in social situations. I volunteer for things like setting up chairs, making coffee, etc. It gives me a reference point or something, idk how to explain it.

[radical]

What I've found in moving back into the social world, (and it's a challenge), is to not take anything personally.

It's so easy to look for danger and to find it.  I've found the key is to carry on and to politely steer clear of people who send out barbs, to not even think about why, and to keep on going, while affirming myself and my own worth as a person.

Ironically, not trying too hard, and not trying to get too close too fast, letting things unfold without too much analysis, is key.

I don't have any hard and fast answers.  I'm just a beginner at this.  Often though, I find going against my instinct to try and make things better when tensions arise, and to not try to be "nice", but to be authentic to the most authentic non-fawning person inside is the best course.

[Rainagain]

I relate to the question of explaining your background v. Troubling people with your history.

I kept my story to myself and people thought I was just a bit odd. Its not great for building relationships with others but I'm not all that concerned, other people are tiring I find.

[goblinchild]

I had to take an unexpected hiatus and never got to reply to any of these but I wanted to pop in and thank everyone for their input. A lot of this seems like really good advice.

[LilyITV]

I know this is an old thread, but it struck such a chord in me since self-isolation is also one of my biggest problems.  And like you, I have struggled with whether I really do what more social interaction, or if I really am happier just being alone.

I have just begun therapy, and the first thing we have been working on is mindfulness and concentrating on how I feel.  I think it is hard for us with C-PTSD because we have learned not to trust our emotions, or to suppress them. 

My therapist has helped me realize that part of the reason why I don't enjoy social interaction is that I am so focused on other people's emotions and trying to manage them that I lose sight of my own.   I'm worried about them and they are worried about them and there's no one worried about me.   In your first post, I think you are doing the same thing.  My therapist also said that part of the problem is  I think of terms of "Should I...?" which is the inner critic talking, instead of "Do I want to??", which focuses on me and is the only question that needs to be asked if I am to be truly happy. 

I didn't realize it before, but it really does take a whole lot of energy to focus on other people then process in your brain what you "should" be saying or what you "should" be feeling.  People who don't suffer from PTSD don't do this.   If they feel like being sociable and friendly, they are.  If they feel like being playful, they are.  If they feel like taking some time alone, they do it.

I kind of understand the approach my therapist and what she is doing.  For me, it is still very hard to determine what it is that "I want" rather than what it is "I should" be doing.   But I do find the more I focus on me, the more enjoyable I find social interactions and the more I seek them out.
She says that mindfulness is like a muscle and if you keep exercising it, it will get stronger and stronger. 

[goblinchild]

Hi. I've made some progress since this thread was started, and boy do I feel that "should I" vs "do I want to" thing in my bones lately. I do totally think of everything in terms of "should I".  Just today I started looking into doing my hair in a "do I want to" kind of way instead of a "should I" kind of way and let me tell you, this is counter-intuitive for me.

I think that while I'm learning to think more in a "do I want to" way, there's been a lot of friction because of those counter-intuitive feelings. It's like just the act of doing what my wee little heart desires drudges up all the reasons why I don't act like that in the first place. (Only when other people can see though. When I'm alone, I do what I want impulsively like it's no problem.) I know it's just learned behaviors and thought patterns I developed at some point to keep me safe and out of the line of fire but it still feels like a cause and effect of A) I did a thing because I want to? B) It made me anxious. I should stop.

Really, I shouldn't stop for that reason. I should pay attention to all of the negative feelings I get so I can work them out and make 'em go away. I think those feelings and fears are what I'm afraid of, I need to question them and figure out where they originally came from. I should decide if they're still true.

Also I wanted to update this topic (thanks LilyITV for bringing it to my attention again!) and say that finding an interest which had a social aspect helped ease several of the problems I mentioned instead of having to tackle them all upfront, which is a big ask. Being interested in a thing kind of tells people something about you straight off the bat, and if you're showing up solely because of said interesting thing, there's not as much pressure put on how motivated you may or may not be to see individual people. It may seem silly, but I keep being surprised at how other people can like a thing or think about it in a different way from me. I really didn't realize how many things about how I see the world and appreciate things where unique? It sounds cheesy but it feels very existential. I guess in the absence of others to compare myself to, there are so many fundamental things about the human experience I assumed everyone shared. I guess it's kind of convenient and mind blowing that people are more different and interesting than I thought. I hope that makes sense.

[LilyITV]

That sounds really interesting.  What kinds of interests do you bring up with people? 

[goblinchild]

What I meant was, if you are attending some kind of club or meetup about an interest. If the meetup is already about the thing you're interested in, you don't really have to bring it up! People are already talking about it. They might even ask you about it. I've heard a lot of "So, what got you interested in suchandsuch thing?"

I hope you don't mind, I would rather not elaborate about specific interests. I do feel like our little corner of the internet is pretty safe, but I would probably feel paranoid about sharing too much about myself online and accidentally being identifiable somehow? My interests aren't the most common where I live and it's a sparse place. I would worry. I hope you understand.

If you're looking for suggestions about what kind of interests other people are, well, interested in, maybe that would make a good post on it's own? I know I had that question a while back.

[LilyITV]

OK no problem.  That makes sense.