I have a dilemma part 2

Started by BlancaLap, January 12, 2018, 12:53:28 PM

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BlancaLap

LOL I just came back to explain my last post. I don't intent to stay any longer.

People with "dissociation" seem to care about what others think about them, and that's not something you can control. When you get out of dissociation, it seems like you automatically stop caring, like you don't think about it, it's like your chip changes.

Even people who put themselves down to other or lower than others have a big ego, it's not just people who put themselves above some few.

It's like you care about what others may think, but you care MORE about what some few may think.

Some people worry more about what strangers may think more than what their friends and family may.

And yes, that's twisted.

The thing is, even if I stop doing that, I can't change the way I see it without changing the chip I have in my brain, and that's what I'm trying to do.

I was able to change the chip while I behave like that, and I stopped behiving like then because I stopped seeing things like that, but then I came back, but I made my best to not behave like that even though I saw the things like that, why? Cause I wanted to go back where I didn't see the things like that.

I have been stuck like this for almost a year now, and my question was: maybe if I start doing the same steps I made back then, I can go back to see the things like I used to.

Even if you don't like it, the way you see the world when you are dissociated, even if you know it is twisted and you wish you didn't see it like that, it's the way it's going to be until you change that. And when you change it you don't feel like people put you down or below them anymore. Don't you want that?

BlancaLap

You see, we do this when we don't see people by who or what they are (people), but rather the IDEA they represent, and that's the source of disrespect.

ah

Quote from: BlancaLap on January 12, 2018, 12:53:28 PM
I just came back to explain my last post. I don't intent to stay any longer.

I hope you stay, I've missed you and worried about you while you were away.

I think misunderstandings are notoriously common in written communication because there's no facial expression / body language to help us know what others mean to say. It can absolutely happen.
Also, there are probably as many ways to talk about cptsd and deal with it as there are people with cptsd... each of us went through different things. So everything that helps us understand it and get better is welcome.

Re. dissociation:

I wonder if there are different types of dissociation, and/or different definitions because I find the word confusing and too vague. Not to mention how confusing the actual experience of dissociation is to everybody who feels it.

I think I experience dissociation a bit differently from you:
When I'm strongly dissociated I have no overt emotions at all, It's like my mind is shut down, including my senses sometimes. And memory becomes vague or nonexistent.
I care very much what others think when I'm less dissociated,  when I'm in more contact with my emotions.
More dissociated for me means I feel less and care less what others think of me. Except abusive people, then I want to recognize them and also recognize people who are good enough, who are safe. I've been terrible at this my whole life, I'm only starting to understand emotionally how to recognize abuse and separate it from my idea of "normal" communication.
To me it looks like you've got so many emotions and so much going on, similar to me.

What you wrote got me thinking: I wonder if part of recovery is to look for ways to still care what others think, but without the strong need for them to accept us. To care, but more lightly and with less stress involved, and less fight / flight in it.
Then it may be easier to really see them for who they are, and not just the idea they represent in our own mind.
Maybe, we'd want to care about others (seeing them as subjects, as people separate from us), not care about what others say.

I remember something the Dalai Lama said in an interview I saw on youtube with John Oliver, the Chinese government have been calling him a demon for decades and he said "Whatever they say, that's their freedom. I have no negative feeling."
That sort of clarity is something I aspire to with all my heart. Being able to not need others to see me for who I am, because I'll know who I am. Wow.

Anyway, I want to add: if you choose to leave I'll totally respect it, and I'll miss you. But I hope you stay.

:hug:





BlancaLap

Thanks Ah, it's really kind of you to write here.

I too have 0 emotions when I'm dissociated, and I have found myself only caring about what people think when I am dissociated.
Also yeah, dissociation is a really strange and frightening experience.

Also I wanted to add that you actually are more kind to those people who you find shy or socially awkward. I guess it's because you feel more comfortable with them. It's not that you think they are inherently less important, it's that you think that they have a lower social status... of course social statuses... don't exist... kinda, but you can't see that.

I'm not a good person right now, because being good means caring about others, caring about good and wrong... and you can't care about that when you actually don't care about anything. Even when I say I care about other's opinions, it doesn't feel the same way as when I care about other's feelings, it doesn't feel like "care", because it doesn't feel... so I don't know if the correct term would be to "care".

Yeah, dissociation is very confusing, I think we should create a whole new dictionary to express things that you only experience when you are dissociated.

Cookido

There was something I recognized in your previous post, about viewing people as lesser. I have thouse feelings from time to time, I think it's an emotional flashback from when I was bullied. When I was bullied I felt alienated and different, eventually it developed into hate towards everyone else and viewing myself as greater just to be able to live with the feelings of everyone hating me (how I understood it as a kid). Maybe what you experience isn't dissociation but an emotional flashback?

BlancaLap

Quote from: Cookido on February 03, 2018, 09:23:03 PM
There was something I recognized in your previous post, about viewing people as lesser. I have thouse feelings from time to time, I think it's an emotional flashback from when I was bullied. When I was bullied I felt alienated and different, eventually it developed into hate towards everyone else and viewing myself as greater just to be able to live with the feelings of everyone hating me (how I understood it as a kid). Maybe what you experience isn't dissociation but an emotional flashback?

I don't think so. It only happens when I'm dissociated. It's caused because of your way of seeing (or "seeing") the reality (or "reality" since you don't see it) rather than because you remember something.