Why am I nice to people who treat me badly?

Started by Mussymel, January 09, 2018, 09:28:07 PM

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Mussymel

There's a bit of a back story to this so please bear with me. A couple of months ago the mother of my dd's friend treated me quite badly. She (we'll call her B) was rude and cold all of a sudden, took me off a whatsapp group and made it very clear that other than a weekly class they share our kids (who are best buddies) would not be socialising. This was all done in a very passive aggressive way. I of course analysed and tried to figure out what I'd done wrong but couldn't come up with a reason. It caused me a lot of anxiety and I dreaded the weekly class where I would inevitably see her. I also had to explain to my six year old dd that she wouldn't be having play dates etc anymore, which broke my heart. Eventually though I just tried to push it aside as her issue not mine and I was friendly to her if I met her etc.
On Monday I was at a coffee shop with my very close friends who would be aware of all this when B arrived in with her DH and sat a couple of tables away. I don't think she saw me but if she did she didn't acknowledge me. At one stage I went up to get us more coffees and when I came back down she saw me and said hello. So I went over to her table and politely chatted to her and her DH about Christmas etc. When I returned to our table my friends were all amazed at the fact that I had gone over and spoken to her etc. They asked me why I would go out of my way to be nice/polite to her when she is obviously not a nice person and had treated me so badly? They were all very confused by my actions and these are very decent, giving, nice women. I said it is easier to be friendly than not when we are inevitably going to cross paths. But I've been thinking about it a lot since and it has brought up my anxiety. Why do I always treat people well who have hurt/badly treated me? Like a lost puppy I go back for more kicks time and time again. This is only a mild example of it but I guess my friends' reactions showed me that it's not 'normal' behaviour. And I can see how this behaviour led me into abusive situations time and again.

Three Roses

Personally I think it was a great example for your daughters. We don't have to like people to be kind to them. The stress and tension your kids WILL feel if you are openly rude or dismissive of each other will have an impact on them.

radical

So relate to this problem with fawning (aka codependence).

Like threeroses, I think it is good to be respectful to others and to not indulge in toxic retaliatory behaviours,  but I don't I don't think that's what you were getting at.

I'm having trouble posting links, but most of the items in the list in this blog post, described my problem. You can get to the list by Googling:
The Self Love U blog, and, from the popular posts menu on the right, click on "25 reasons you let people treat you like s#@t" (the actual word not this polite version -radical).

The first item in the list might sound as familiar to you as it did to me:


1) I feel uncomfortable for YOU When you disrespect my boundaries.
My loyalties are misaligned due to the conditioning of my childhood.  Instead of advocating for myself, in close interpersonal relationships, I advocate for the other person.  I minimise my needs in favour of the other.

Mussymel

Thanks for the replies.
Yes ThreeRoses I agree that I wouldn't be overly hostile to anyone in front of my kids and would try to model good behaviour for them. Also I can't handle confrontation so I would avoid that at all costs. But this was and is different. Deep down I always suspect that I did something wrong and I want to make up for that I think.
Radical I think that point you posted has hit the nail on the head. I will check the link thanks.

ah

Quote from: Mussymel on January 10, 2018, 01:29:34 AM
Deep down I always suspect that I did something wrong and I want to make up for that I think.

I feel exactly the same (about myself). I've been thinking about this thread, trying to figure out why I do the same. I noticed when people are unhappy with me I instantly fold emotionally, become convinced I'm an evil person and try my best to make them happy again. I try to find ways to ingratiate myself. It's a strong habit, I can see it popping up in my mind every day. It's hard to break.

Two things always seem to be going on inside me when I give in to it: the first is I feel a need to be nice, it feels like it isn't a choice I'm making but a desperate survival instinct. That helps me see I'm feeling trapped, not free. There's no room for change, when it feels that narrow then I know it isn't just wanting to model good behavior but also something else that's weighing down on me.

And also, I forget that others can and will treat me badly without it implying anything about who I am. It could be theirs, not mine. I don't have to accept their gift in that case  :bigwink:

It feels a bit like I have an addiction to niceness when I feel invisible or threatened. I think you have a really good point here, very accurate one.

MyPrison1965

You are a bigger and better person than I am, if people treat me like that I brush them off. I have been told that is wrong too, I run into a lot of people who have a issue with me and I do not know why, after much thought I believe it is about the power and control they want over me. Sounds like a Twilight Zone episode that re-runs over and over in my live, I believe that if they can convince me that I did something wrong to offend them that I will put my tail between my legs and try to make up to them and say I am sorry for something I did not do. I do not want others to have the power and influence over me and I do not want them to think that either, my belief is that if they and can get an inch they want a mile, and so forth.

Mussymel

MyPrison1965 I don't think either reaction makes anyone better than the other. I am starting to understand that my reactions to situations are not always 'normal'. This is not my fault (although my ICr will tell me otherwise) but to do with how skewed the development of them was. We compare ourselves mostly to people who had 'normal' relationships and development. Perhaps if we had the chance to compare to people who grew up in a war zone etc our reactions would seem much more 'normal'. I put normal in quotes for this reason because it is a relative term. I've also started to think, when I'm lucid enough to do it rationally, that people had issues with me sometimes because of that non-'normal' behaviour. But at the time I couldn't see it. Also I would much rather hurt myself than hurt someone else but I have to learn where that line is. I think that sometimes we perceive people to want power and control over us because that is our experience but not all people do. In fact the vast majority of people are actually too caught up in their own lives to want to mess with others. Unfortunately we've all experienced the work of the minority but if I believe everyone is like that I wouldn't see any point in life.

sanmagic7

i've been in this place for a very, very long time.  for me, it was my desire to have everyone like me, think me a good person, and i was always trying to take care of their emotions.  i tolerated so much abuse because of this.

it stemmed from feeling so very lonely in jr. high school, and being so very miserable because of it.  from that point on, i was determined that i would cultivate a personality that would cultivate people who would want to be around me so i'd never have to have that lonely feeling again.

i was also scared that if i hurt their feelings in any way (like standing up for myself, having boundaries, or confronting neg. behavior) they would hurt me worse or leave forever.  not having had good examples of how to work things out in a relationship, or taught socialization skills, this was what i came up with.  tolerance and placating.

through recovery, i can see things much more clearly.  today, if that incident would have happened to me, i would probably return the 'hi', but then would sit back down with my friends rather than going over to her table to chat with her.  it was always these gray areas that i've had trouble with.  either too much of one thing or the opposite, but didn't know how to walk down a more balanced middle ground.

thanks for posting this.  i think this type of behavior is so common among those of us who have had our boundaries repeatedly crossed without our permission.  it takes time to learn how to do it differently.  big hug, mussymel.