Brother In Terrible Car Accident

[plantsandworms]

I am no contact with my FOO and have been for at least five years. As of a few months ago I have had limited contact with one of my youngest siblings (who is still a minor teen) but I have been considering cutting that off again as he has consistently not respected the boundaries I communicated with regard to contact with the rest of the family (feeding them information about my life, passing on unwanted messages).

Anyway, last week the brother I've been in limited contact with texted me to tell me that our other brother (early 20s) was in a serious car wreck. His skull was cracked, spine destabilized, arms and legs crushed. In the texts he was urging me to come up to the hospital and support the FOO because my brother might not survive. I didn't go, for a lot of reasons. I didn't even respond to the text, just trying to process everything. Anyway, he pulled through the critical stage and is still in the hospital getting reconstructive surgeries. The brother who texted me continues to guilt me about coming up to the hospital.

As far as I'm concerned, nothing has changed. I still want to be no contact. My family is not a part of my support system and I am no longer a part of theirs. Furthermore, all of the attempts at contact my family has made over the last five years have included the same abusive tactics that drove me away in the first place.

I guess I'm just writing to say that this is the biggest major tragedy that has struck my FOO since I went no contact. It was super traumatizing to be getting these texts and seeing pics of his car all crunched up in the news with the jaws of life pulling him out. It's terrifying for me to think of what his life is going to look like as he recovers from this. But it's been a pivotal learning experience too. I learned that, even in the darkest hours, I feel confident that we are better off apart. And I learned that my life won't go totally off the rails anymore when my FOO is in crisis and calling on me to do something. Hopefully next time something terrible happens (there will inevitably be a next time) I will feel more prepared.

[sanmagic7]

p&w, i think you've done a great job of resisting the manipulations trying to get you back to where you don't want to be.  kudos to you, even tho it's a horrible situation.  i'm sorry to hear that your sib has been trying to guilt you into doing what you know is not good for you, but congrats to you for sticking to your boundaries.

big safe, warm hug to you.

[Contessa]

Plants and worms, I am in agreement with San.

It's a tragic thing that has happened to your brother, there is no question. But I do agree that your wellbeing should not suffer as a result of this circumstance.

I had the opposite in recent days, I was contacted (anomalously) with very wonderful news from one of my siblings. I cannot even begin to feel anything, or pretend to be happy or interested, because I can't let the door open to that perpetual conditional relationship and family manipulation again.

Am with you

[Kat]

Well done, plantsandworms.  I'm so proud of you for doing what was best for you and for believing in yourself.  Take extra good care of yourself.

[Dee]

I'm sorry to hear about your bother.  At this point you should take care of you and your family.  Good for you for being strong and keeping boundaries. 

[Blueberry]

As far as I'm concerned, nothing has changed. I still want to be no contact. My family is not a part of my support system and I am no longer a part of theirs. Furthermore, all of the attempts at contact my family has made over the last five years have included the same abusive tactics that drove me away in the first place.

It's very helpful for me to read this now.