new supporter

  • 6 Replies
  • 692 Views
*

Ariel.b

  • Member
  • 2
    • View Profile
new supporter
« on: February 09, 2018, 06:14:39 PM »
My partner of 20 years has suffered child abuse, he suffers many of the physical signs, back pain, allergy, gastrointestinal ....for many years he was nice and supportive with me  , but always had a conflicted relationship with his family. He hated his father but at the same time wanted his approval. Weekly phone calls  always ended up with a fight especially with the father the perpetrator. Mother was also a victim but never left or protected her children.

4 year ago the father stopped visiting because he gave to my partner  an ultimatum, asking that my partner reconnected with his older sibling. Last year my partner had another fight with his parents and went no contact.   However, one of his siblings called him and accused him to be mean and selfish because the parents are old now and probably dying soon. Then my partner became more and more isolated, didn't want to most of our friends, and I pressure a little bit inviting people for dinner at our house. Then I went away for several days to visit my family and he went to see the only relative that he loves because is very sick.

When I came back home from my visit he started yelling at me that I was selfish, a liar and should get out of our house. I have not being able to discuss anything with him, every time I approach him he is telling me that I am selfish and crazy ...like is parents, (recently he burned all the letters from his parents) he also called me crazy because I stayed calm and  did not start fighting with him.

I don't know what to do, I don't understand why I am the trigger now, I was never abusive toward him.
He actually called me stupid for staying with him so many years. He is in survival mode goes to work, emptied the freezer and fridge, keeps only few essentials in the fridge. Sometimes I am worrying for his safety.

Any suggestions ?


« Last Edit: February 10, 2018, 06:55:38 AM by Blueberry »

*

Blueberry

  • Member
  • 6871
  • 'Should' is never good for me.
    • View Profile
Re: new supporter TW!
« Reply #1 on: February 09, 2018, 07:08:36 PM »
Welcome to the forum, ariel!

It sounds as if you and your partner are both in a difficult place right now. I'm sorry.

If you're really worried about his safety in the moment, contact your local Emergency Services.  Ditto if for any reason you worry about your safety.

This forum is a suppport forum mainly for people with CPTSD, so you'll find that most of our posts are speaking from that point of view. It might not be quite what you're looking for. You're welcome to look around. It sounds as if your partner's problems developed in childhood so that section might be of interest, also the Resources section might give you some useful information.

Self-care is very important, whether for the person with CPTSD or their families. Self-care means doing good things for yourself. 

Triggers: If I'd been attacked by a green dog in my childhood, it could be that every time I see a dog as an adult, I'm triggered. Or it could be that every time I see something green I'm triggered. So the green cat will say "I'm not a dog! What's her problem??" Triggers aren't 'logical' but they are very real and take place in the blink of an eye.
« Last Edit: February 10, 2018, 06:56:42 AM by Blueberry »

*

Ariel.b

  • Member
  • 2
    • View Profile
Re: new supporter TW!
« Reply #2 on: February 09, 2018, 09:32:07 PM »
I there a forum for supporters? Do you think is best for him if I leave don't know how I went from being is support to his enemy... without warning..
I was the person that knows him best. His sister keeps telling to get over it. I told her not to do that.
I also feel betrayed , like I had been living a lie. I know it is not true..but I get really emotional (also I discover that he has grown up son that he forgot to tell me in 20 years, nobody knows about the son, and he doesn't know that I know. I would like to confront him , but it not the right time).
He is in denial and want to cut everybody out of his life at this moment.

*

Blueberry

  • Member
  • 6871
  • 'Should' is never good for me.
    • View Profile
Re: new supporter TW!
« Reply #3 on: February 09, 2018, 09:45:43 PM »
His sister's remark on 'getting over it' is definitely not helpful. We can't just get over it without therapeutic help. So  :thumbup: on telling her not to do that.

I have been in denial too. When things are too painful to even contemplate, denial can be a protective measure.

However it sounds as if you're really suffering too. As I mentioned, self-care is important. That means finding time for yourself, to regenerate, to not always be thinking about your partner, though I realise that might sound really difficult. Also finding time to be with other people on your own. Reconnect with people you like and who do you good and see or talk to them without your partner there.

I'm going to get a couple of links for you. Stay tuned...

*

Blueberry

  • Member
  • 6871
  • 'Should' is never good for me.
    • View Profile
Re: new supporter TW!
« Reply #4 on: February 09, 2018, 10:06:18 PM »
You could try our sister website Out Of The Fog  http://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?wwwRedirect

It's a forum for people connected to someone with a Personality Disorder. CPTSD is NOT a personality disorder but it does have some similarities with BPD (borderline), though also some big differences (!).

If you post in the Welcome section and say what you're looking for, I hope a moderator can point you in the right direction.

I'd certainly suggest the Working On Us section because these are family members or partners who are still with the people they're worried about.

There's also  the Toolbox http://outofthefog.website/toolbox-intro/ which provides useful information on good interrelational skills with anybody not just personality-disordered or suffering from CPTSD.

There may be other great forums around for supporters but I don't know them. Sorry. Check back again though, somebody else might post something useful.

I can't advise you on whether to leave or not. If you feel in danger, then yes! Otherwise it depends. Maybe some of the posts or general information at outofthefog will help you there.

I can understand that you feel betrayed. I'd like to offer you a caring  :hug: if that's appropriate for you. If not, just ignore it.

You sound very caring towards your partner, like wanting to confront him with knowledge but holding back because it's the wrong time.

It might help you to get counselling just for you, support for yourself while you deal with this.
« Last Edit: February 10, 2018, 06:55:02 AM by Blueberry »

*

Kizzie

  • Administrator
  • Member
  • 8210
    • View Profile
Re: new supporter TW!
« Reply #5 on: February 10, 2018, 01:02:06 AM »
Hi Ariel - I don't know of a forum for those who live/work with someone who has Complex PTSD, but that doesn't mean there isn't one. I would just keep digging around and I'll have a look too.  It is important to get some support and to be informed about what are the symptoms of this psychological injury.  As such, please do read here (especially about emotional flashbacks and triggers), and if you can arrange for some counseling from a professional who knows about Complex PTSD that would also be helpful.  We can't give you advice about what to do from a relationship perspective other than to encourage to inform yourself and perhaps work with a counselor so you can make the best decision for yourself.

I'm not sure if our sister site Out of the Fog  is quite right to join if your H has Complex PTSD because there is such a big difference (PD = personality disorder, whereas CPTSD a stress disorder), but I do agree they have some great interpersonal relationship tools you can read and try out.


*

Rainagain

  • Member
  • 1101
  • New member 27/9/17 cptsd diagnosed 20/9/17 oh well
    • View Profile
Re: new supporter
« Reply #6 on: February 10, 2018, 11:50:19 AM »
Hi Ariel

It could be something in addition to cptsd?

Might be that some crisis happened while you were away and as your partner has isolated himself so much you are the one to bear the brunt of it even if its not your fault?

You might not find out what has happened until he calms back down a bit but there could well be something going on he hasn't shared with you yet.

Wish you well with this difficult situation, look after yourself.