Does popular, trite advice backfire for the mentally ill?

[schrödinger's cat]

"Time heals all wounds" - I'm planning to be petty towards the next person who says that in real life. Either I'm going to say "...all wounds?" and get them into a detailed discussion of physical ailments that are not, in fact, healed with time. (Appendicitis... stab wounds... gangrene...) Sometimes when I'm particularly annoyed at this proverb, I cheer myself up by trying to come up with really unsettling ailments.

The explanation is, my mother loves such proverbs. I've had them flung at me at all hours. She practically used them as a parenting tool. So I've come to think that they're an attempt at control. You just mention that proverb, and it's supposed to carry all that weight of popular opinion. You don't even engage with the other person properly. They seem likely to mention that they're in trouble? "Move on!" - WHAM, end of story. You're simply just trying to make the problem magically go away. You stop the conversation, basically.

So it isn't just the content that's harmful. It's also the way such proverbs and bits of advice are often used. People use them to distance themselves from other people's real situations. They use them to gain a quick and easy sense of control: they want to feel that they've seen through the problem, and they want to feel that they've fixed it. There's also often this hierarchical thing, too - like they think they're your mentor or boss.

[Phoebes]

I think it's for these reasons I do mostly just act like all is fine and I am "happy". I can't be real with anyone I know without immediately getting one of these quotes, and then I am triggered and feel shame that I "should" be able to apply this quote like everyone else. I can't stand looking at FB for this reason, too.

I have recently said something to a family member, tried to explain how a quote was just a quick answer to a complicated situation, and how much I dislike those kinds of quotes, and they actually got mad and defended their cliche approach and shamed me for being so "negative and not just "sucking it up." I've even been accused of not being spiritual because I questioned a "quote" as valid.

I'm glad others find these things as super-annoying as I do, because I have felt very alone in this. It's hard for me to believe that cliche quote loving people are just fine with tearing down another person while thinking they are so superior (is there a quote for that?)

[schrödinger's cat]

Maybe William Blake's "to generalize is to be an idiot"?

Or this: "A fool takes no pleasure in understanding, but only in expressing his opinion." And maybe this: "If one gives an answer before he hears, it is his folly and shame." (Both from Proverbs ch 18).

Or William James: "A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices."

[Phoebes]

 

Good ones! I think it would be fun to make some "Jack Handey" style scenes with some of these quotes for FB, or maybe even t-shirts. Thanks, Cat

[voicelessagony2]

"Time heals all wounds" - I'm planning to be petty towards the next person who says that in real life. Either I'm going to say "...all wounds?" and get them into a detailed discussion of physical ailments that are not, in fact, healed with time. (Appendicitis... stab wounds... gangrene...) Sometimes when I'm particularly annoyed at this proverb, I cheer myself up by trying to come up with really unsettling ailments.

The explanation is, my mother loves such proverbs. I've had them flung at me at all hours. She practically used them as a parenting tool. So I've come to think that they're an attempt at control. You just mention that proverb, and it's supposed to carry all that weight of popular opinion. You don't even engage with the other person properly. They seem likely to mention that they're in trouble? "Move on!" - WHAM, end of story. You're simply just trying to make the problem magically go away. You stop the conversation, basically.

So it isn't just the content that's harmful. It's also the way such proverbs and bits of advice are often used. People use them to distance themselves from other people's real situations. They use them to gain a quick and easy sense of control: they want to feel that they've seen through the problem, and they want to feel that they've fixed it. There's also often this hierarchical thing, too - like they think they're your mentor or boss.

Wow, cat, BOOM! You hit several nails on the head!!  I never even thought about the controlling aspect of it. That is so true. That must be at least part of my resistance... it's the patronizing, condescending attitude some people are trying to pass off as advice. Or they truly just do not give a sh*t, and want you AND your problems to just disappear.

Time heals all wounds, really? Stephen Hawking? Amputees? Death row inmates? Yea, that's what I thought....

[Whobuddy]

Can we add:

"Lighten up!" and "Life's too short."

As if just hearing those words will cause the trauma to just melt away. 

[Bluevermonter]

I agree with the title of this thread.  My cptsd ex had a bundle of sayings that she lived by.  I realize she it to keep her safe, as if it were an incantation.  But, imo, it speaks to her broken understanding of people.

For example:  "it's better to feel guilty than resentful".  I would love to ask her who told her that, and why, and when.  Because now think she actually believed it.  But why feel neither?  I realize sometimes you have to choose, but always?

"Take care of yourself first."  Gave license to the narc part of her that knew little of doing things for others, only for the sake of putting another person first once in awhile.

I think she got them in therapy, or from reading the multitude of self help books. 

But was she so broken as a person she needed that sort of black and white advice to get by?  To explain how to live?

I wish I could ask her.  But one of the posts mentioned that you don't confront the truck that just hit you and to her I was the truck that picked the scab of her pain.  So I haven't heard from her since she left and I was the only one who loved her enough to support her as she confronted her demons.  Instead she demonized me.

Thank goodness you are all here on this forum and working to understand cptsd.  I wish she would be courageous enough to understand this horrible condition that wrecked our lives.

[mourningdove]

I couldn't help but to respond to your post mourningdove. I was fired from a doctor once! It sucked. I figure in the end I was probably better off without her, but I didn't take to the rejection very well at the time as it was during a severe down slope.

But your story of that therapist also reminded me of when I took group therapy when I was 18 (after finally escaping home). I was in a very toxic/abusive relationship at the time. I did get out of it eventually, but not because of the therapy.  I'm not sure whether anyone has ever done group therapy (well, this was in the 80s mind you) but supposedly it can help because people in the room mirror your relations, which can allow for processing. However, it actually just traumatized. One woman, a replica of my mother, was abusive to me in the group. I ran for the hills!!!

I'm sorry that happened to you, lonewolf. I don't want to go off-topic too much, but I have had several experiences with group therapy and they were all very unhelpful to say the least. Later I heard someone refer to hospital group therapy as "the dogfights," and I just couldn't stop laughing.

As if just hearing those words will cause the trauma to just melt away. 

Exactly. And when it doesn't, they get miffed, like, "Wait a minute, you're not playing by the rules!" 

"Take care of yourself first."  Gave license to the narc part of her that knew little of doing things for others, only for the sake of putting another person first once in awhile.

Yeah, all these sayings work very well to justify ones own feelings and invalidate those of others.

"Don't worry; be happy." Has anyone added that yet? I find it infuriating. Oh wow, I had no idea it was that simple! THANK YOU for telling me how to feel!!! /sarcasm

[Convalescent]

Oh dear, yes. It's one of those things where, afterwards, I think obsessively about what I should have said and what I could have said*... because while it's happening, I'm tongue-tied. Like it's literally taking away my ability to even speak for myself. And maybe there is an element of silencing to this after all. Instead of listening, instead of being respectful enough to assume that we are actually knowledgeable about our own situation, those people simply slap their quick fix-its onto us.

*Only thing I've come up with: "You know, it's admirable how well you're coping with my trauma." So I'm still looking for something more constructive to say.

I am way too familiar with that problem. I think it goes right into the very core of C-PTSD. At least it partially does for me. It has a lot to do about independence, believing in yourself, and ... well, a number of things. For me, anyway. I discovered some time ago that I'm opening up too much to people I really don't feel safe with. As an intiutive thing - hoping that I'd connect or would feel safe eventually. Just to discover that... it was wrong to open up that much in the first place, to people I'm not really comfortable with. Suddenly it feels like my personal life is on public display, and some of my friends have strong opinions about what should be done, and what not. It's hard enough having C-PTSD, and in addition you have  people with no experience with that sort of mental illness (or injury) giving out advice in all directions. They mean well, of course, in most cases, but it makes it just that much harder to actually feel safe and comfortable (enough) around people. C-PTSD really is counterintuitive sometimes...