family troubles

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survivor302000

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family troubles
« on: January 01, 2018, 08:50:35 PM »
Hello all-

I am new to this website.  So glad you all are here!  A little bit about me, I am an adult child of a narcisisst/borderline mom.  My father passed more than 30 years ago, but when he was alive they fought ALL THE TIME.  Now that I am an adult I understand that he was reacting to the stress and strain of living with my mom.  There was a constant battle for control between the two of them. I never felt safe at home.  This was back in the 70's and my mom's family and just about everyone else knew that there was something wrong with her but nobody knew what.  Her family was always trying to figure out how to fix/help her.  Everyone was always so fixated on her and her drama and control than no one gave any thought to the actual children in her home (me and my sister).   There was emotional and sexual abuse.  As an adult I am now a workaholic/codependent/compulsive overeater.  As a kid I was isolated with her alot.  I skipped over stages of childhood development.  She would force us to wear her homemade clothes.  While other kids were wearing jeans, sneakers, and t-shirts, we were dressed like "Holly Hobbie dolls".  This lead to a shame, humiliation, and social ostracism.  It was almost like she was intentionally sabotaging me so that I would never leave.  She would never buy fruits and vegetables.  She was more involved in my school than I was.  She would volunteer with my band to get attention.  Meanwhile I was totally miserable.

I don't think she actually needed human children.  American girl dolls would have sufficed or even a puppy would have sufficed.  She needed something she could have ultimate control over.  I was just there to take care of her and to live her unlived life. As an adult I continue to struggle with anxiety, fear of people, and social isolation.  I often spend birthdays and Christmases alone.  I have a sister, but she is in denial about everything she went through an won't seek help.  As a result I often find her behavior in adulthood becoming similar to my mom's.  I go to CODA and sometimes ACA.  I don't really have any emotional support from anyone as there are several narcissists in my family and my long term "friend" from childhood I am starting to understand also has some narcissistic traits and probably could benefit from some recovery as well.

My sister and her family are the closest thing I have to a family, even though they are narcissistic.  We often spend Christmas together and exchange gifts.  They went out of town this year and I was ok with that.  I asked if we could exchange gifts this weekend.  I didn't really expect anything like a meal or anything, just want to swap gifts and be done with Christmas.  We were supposed to get together today and they cancelled on me.  This isn't the first time they have blown me off at Christmas.  I woke up trying to brace for being blown off and that is exactly what happened.  They said they were sick but I don't believe them.  It's really hard when you have no family to spend Christmas with and no one wants to exchange gifts.   She said her husband would stop by after work tomorrow and drop mine off.  This is not really any fun.  I think I am going to put their gifts to me in the closet and not open them.

I have to understand that this is a reflection on them and not on me but it is still hard.  Trying to get healthy behavior from them is like trying to get blood from a stone.   This is triggering alot of the loss and rejection from my childhood so it is a little hard to deal with. 

My big goal for 2018 is to find healthy friends, so that I will be less disturbed by my family.

When I get upset I rarely vent to anyone, but instead just hold it inside.  Posting like this is new behavior me. 

Anyhow, thank you for letting me share.

Survivor302000

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Kat

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Re: family troubles
« Reply #1 on: January 01, 2018, 09:38:02 PM »
Welcome, Survivor302000! 

Wow, your story is eerily similar to mine in many ways.  The "Holly Hobbie" thing being one of them.  My mom (who suffers from Borderline PD) sewed clothes for me and my sisters as well.  She also always cut my hair short so I grew up being mistaken for a boy quite a lot.  If you haven't read "Understanding the Borderline Mother" by Christine Ann Lawson, you may want to.  But be aware that it can be very triggering, and so you'll want to go slow.

My sisters and I relied on each other to get through childhood with my mother.  We were each other's best friends for a long time.  Then I went into therapy and things changed.  It's really, really tough when you're the only one who will see just how dysfunctional and abusive your childhood was.  I'm the only one who has gone no contact with my mother.  It's been really painful letting go of these unhealthy relationships.  As you pointed out, it ends up feeling like rejection.  I miss my sisters and the way we used to be, but there's no going back.  I'm so much healthier now. 

I love your big goal for 2018.  I have a few friends, but no one I see on a regular basis.  I think I'll work on that this year as well.

Be well.

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Blueberry

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Re: family troubles
« Reply #2 on: January 01, 2018, 11:03:39 PM »
Welcome on here Survivor!  :heythere:

You'll find friends on here who'll understand you and validate what you're going through. Not IRL friends but sometimes even better  ;) Looking for some IRL is a good goal too of course.
« Last Edit: January 01, 2018, 11:06:35 PM by Blueberry »

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Three Roses

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Re: family troubles
« Reply #3 on: January 02, 2018, 01:29:10 AM »
Welcome! I'm glad you're here.   :hug:

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Dee

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Re: family troubles
« Reply #4 on: January 02, 2018, 02:23:51 AM »

Welcome, I wish you the best in 2018!

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BlancaLap

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Re: family troubles
« Reply #5 on: January 02, 2018, 02:42:52 AM »
Welcome. Sorry to hear your story.

I guess it's hard, when we feel alone and small we relie in what we have: like a narc sister. But it's no good. Try to stay away from her. I can see she makes no good to you, even if you feel you need someone...