Isolated/Trouble Connecting with Others/So Tiring

[ajvander86]

Hi, my name is Justin and I'm relatively new here to the forum.  I'm honestly really happy to have learned about cptsd and that there are SOME places at least for support and community.  I developed cptsd in childhood and honestly all the therapists doctors healers and gurus I went to looking for help never mentioned anything like cptsd to me, or even that perhaps I had been severely traumatized and abused as a child. 

Anyway, as happy as I am to learn about cptsd, and as eager as I am to recover, after reading Peter Walkers book I feel rather overwhelmed and a little bit hopeless.  Because I am primarily a freeze type with cptsd, I have spent most of my life in avoidance, hiding and isolation to the point where my social skills aren't so hot.  I mean I can do it, I can talk to people and so forth but it's always sort of a mask and the whole experience is very draining for me and I find myself counting the minutes before I can make my escape.  Also because of my constant state of shock fear and confusion growing up I isolated in my room and didn't learn a lot of things so my reservoir of things to talk about isn't so hot either.  Believe it or not as a male I avoided things like sports music and cars because the loud noises and tons of people were extremely triggering for me.  Honestly after learning about cptsd everything makes so much sense now. 

I know I need to connect with others, and learning about emotional flashbacks and how to manage them is very helpful, but it's so incredibly difficult that I find I don't want to lol.  I'm also very interested in spirituality and meditation, so when it comes to things like seclusion I can take that to the next level.  I've had a few girlfriends in my life but nothing serious, and I can never 'do it' you know?  Connecting with others in a real and intimate way is something I've never been able to to do, and I always end up pushing the girl away. 

I have had to go no contact with my abusive family and so I am alone and have no support system.  Honestly it really sucks and it's hard to go on like this.  I get so angry that I have to deal with cptsd and now I have to go through all this recovery just to get to a somewhat 'normal' place that I just say screw it sometimes. 

Anyway, at least I know now what I'm struggling with and how to get through it.  Having cptsd is hard enough but the freeze element of it makes it even tougher to get through the inner emotional ice wall that I have developed. 

I wanted to know if anyone here has trouble connecting with others and or in having intimate relationships with others.  I feel so invisible like I'm alive and part of a community but not really.  I work at night as well to give my nerves a break, so it's a very lonely world (although I do like to be alone for the most part).  I'm also underemployed as I was never able to complete a four year university due to intense emotional flashbacks in school settings and panic attacks I'd have and that has made my life extremely limited and narrow.  I honestly hate this and frankly wish I was never born if I was just going to end up with something like this and with no family support or love.  My Mom and sister live 15 minutes away from me but because of how abusive they are and the fact that they don't respect my boundaries, I spent Christmas alone in a cafe with a chicken salad sandwich and some coffee.  In fact I spent all the holidays alone.  And I can do it you know I'm used to it, but it's hard and I'm honestly sad. 

I'm looking to go to some coda meetings in the area to at least start to open up and have some intimate and vulnerable conversations with people, and some other spiritual groups in the area. 

Can anyone relate to this type of thing with connecting with others?

[woodsgnome]

  I can relate to almost every word of what you've shared here. I'm definitely a freeze, but found fortune in various creative vocational situations which at least put me in touch with enough people to sustain the notion that there were people outside the bubble I usually feel trapped inside of.

There's so many similarities in what you present to my own life that I hardly know where to start. One thing I'd like to make sure and note is to suggest you read Walker's book again, and take notice of the many positives he attributes to the freeze sort of person (awareness, mindfulness, peace, sense of presence, etc). Then try and further develop those as best you can. Sounds like you're doing a bit of this with the coda and spiritual activities you hinted at. At the very least, accept these attributes and pour self-compassion into your life for having them.

You are who you are. There's plenty of bad vibes and being lonely doesn't appease the situation much; but the reverse is that because of who you are, it's not like you can run out and become a social gadfly, either--that would be even more intolerable. As stated, I was lucky to find a way to find enough creativity to weave at least some social activity into the solitary. And yes, I especially related to what you said about the constant urge to run--same here, big-time. Not saying this can be totally overcome, but I've developed personal mantras and the like that have helped (and sometimes not  ).

Your story also reminded me of Walker's observation that freezers are among the most difficult types to treat, and how we often bail out of therapy. I did that, but found an outstanding T a couple of years back who's been an enormous help at working with me on my issues. So that would be a hope for you--do you have access to therapy now? You did mention the 'healing' professionals who didn't have a clue about cptsd.

Avoidance can be as big of a trap as over-trying the social gambit. You're wise to stick to your boundaries, even though the m and sis aren't far off. I accomplished that decades ago when I moved to an isolated area. Something I learned in the process, though, is that no amount of distance totally eliminates the triggers and EFs that seem to follow wherever you are or however far away you think you've gotten. The mind/ego/inner critic is gruesome and tends to find one wherever they try to hide.


And dampen expectations for how this trip called recovery will turn out--what it will look like, etc. Step 1 is you've acknowledged the hard row; step #2 is you've at least considered further steps. There's likely to be twists and turns, but as in any trip be aware of the hazards.

I'm hardly a shining example of recovery (in my own lexicon I call it 'wholeness'), but I feel like I've found further peace (which can change in about 5 minutes and I'll wonder how I ever said that). My steps included loads of self-study, live therapy, living life as its own meditation, music, and a backwoods lifestyle that suits my extreme need for isolation.  The kicker still is how to relate to people, though. Still trying (but also giving up), which leads me to the final point--no amount of self-compassion is ever too much. That, and loads of patience, starting with acceptance. Oh, and the realization that while the old story was bad, the new one starts...now... Sounds easy. NOT!!!

[BlancaLap]

[ah]

I can relate very much, and I too agree with every word woodsgnome said.

Finding out I have cptsd has been a lifesaver for me, but also a source of a lot of grieving. I didn't know I was so deeply wounded... till I found out about cptsd, I had no idea about so much. I was fast asleep. In some ways, waking up is a sobering experience, not always a happy one.

I think your decision to have no contact with your family is brave beyond words. I know how painful it is to reach that point and to keep your promise to yourself.

One other book I keep returning to, that helps me a lot in understanding cptsd, is "The body keeps the score" - about trauma.

In my personal experience there's also good, healthy freeze like woodsgnome says. I guess I'll never feel fully comfortable around people who walk around life feeling like they belong... their comfort triggers me, and I feel invisible around them. Being around people is very draining for me too. People who are introverted are much better, but society nowadays is so extremely extroverted, and even if I weren't abused I'm sure I'd grow up very introverted because I'm not just hypervigilant because of cptsd, I'm also introspective.
But there's also a lot of good in the things we find comforting. Meditation can be very valuable, it's what many trauma therapists advise their clients to learn. So maybe we have a head start on getting some measure of control over our cptsd 

Like you, I know there's a lot I just didn't learn because I wasn't taught to socialize. A lot of the rules of socialization I learned as an adult by observing other people, and trying to keep my self hatred from attacking me when I got things wrong.
I notice literally every time I talk to people I end up triggered but the more I understand about cptsd, the level of how much I get triggered varies; when I'm stronger it's much lighter.

I'm alone with no support system either, I can deeply relate to your situation and how hard it is.
Nothing about all of this is normal in the slightest. The things we had to go through, all the things we still have to go through now... you didn't deserve it, you didn't cause it. Your surroundings weren't normal.

I'm so sorry you have to navigate the mine field of cptsd now as a result but you're not alone.

I'm glad you're here.

[ajvander86]

Thanks so much for your response, I really appreciate it.  It's really interesting to meet other people who struggle with cptsd, I feel as though no one could ever understand me, and although many places tell you you're not alone, I truly feel it here. 

I am eager to find a 'good enough therapist' as Pete Walker calls them, one who can help me specifically with relational healing, but at the moment I don't have insurance and don't have enough extra money for it.  I have many tools I'm using to help me heal though, which are working well.  The relational part is key though.

I like what you said about accepting myself.  I'm learning more and more that yes we can heal and overcome certain things, but this cptsd thing is not something that is going to vanish ever and to one extent or another we are sort of stuck with it.  I am introverted as well so maybe I should just allow myself to be how I am and not beat myself so much (cognitive healing anyone???)

Anyway, thanks again, and you said you live in an isolated area somewhere?  That sounds fantastic lol. 

[ajvander86]

@ah

Thank you for your kind words as well.  You know it'd be really nice if there were groups specifically for people with cptsd to get together at.  I think we could really be a great help to each other, and be able to socialize amongst ourselves at the same time. 

Discovering emotional healing in and of itself was a life savor for me, and the more I know what my emotional needs are and how to meet them, the better I feel and the less I miss any outside source of wellbeing such as my family. 

It's really just nice knowing that I am not alone in dealing with this stuff. 

[2nowBfree]

Hi Justin,

I can relate all too well to the difficulty of finding connection, as well as what I'd call the mixed blessing of learning there is a name for what I've struggled with for as long as I can remember. I don't know if you're like me, but there are also chunks that I can't remember... and I think they frighten me the most because something so incredibly trivial can so easily end up being a trigger... and the result is an emotional flashback that's so vague that I can't find any event to link it to. I  sometimes wonder if I tried so hard to forget all of the bad times that I lost the good ones along the way.

I'm so glad to know that you've established a solid spiritual connection and that you're involved in meditation. As for me, to be honest my connection to my higher power tends to wax and wane. But I can say without a doubt that it is during those times when I can truly embrace my faith that things seem at least more manageable. And I want to give you a huge Thank You! for mentioning that you are looking into CODA meetings. Because of your post, I've finally gathered the information for the ACOA/ACA meetings here in the area where I've recently moved. I've gone to these meetings in the past and they've helped. I don't know when or even if I'll go again... but I took a step and it was your post that nudged me into a more positive direction. Thank you again!

When I came to read the description of the freeze type, it felt almost as if Pete Walker was talking about me in particular. As for me, as a child I put much of my energy into trying to be "invisible." I figured out early on that if they couldn't "see" me then there was less of a chance that they could hurt me. Sometimes it actually worked but, like you, being invisible takes a toll on learning much needed social skills.

And I SO get the "mask" you describe. I'm going on sixty years old now and I am disabled. But there was a long time when I was able to work. Without that mask I would have starved. Thankfully (in an odd kind of way) as I look back I can see that because I also had a few of the fawn tendencies in my earlier adult life, my resulting perfectionism meant that I kept getting unexpectedly promoted. And each promotion put me on a path to being more and more in the spotlight.

I ultimately honed that mask to the point that my last promotion actually put me in a position that required public speaking... yeah, seriously! And sometimes I'd be in front of a hundred people or more. There were days when I just didn't think I could even make it to work, much less if I had to do a presentation that day. But once I somehow made it there, it was as if I had an "on" switch and I could fool the whole crowd into thinking I was in my element.

I often wonder if I found a way to "put myself out there" by virtue of dissociating. That's just a guess because, when I think back on even the smallest of those public speaking gigs, it feels like that was a whole other person who was living a whole other life. (Actually that's pretty on the mark given that I'm now agoraphobic but that's another story.) But if I'm right, that means that by using what I refer to as my "bubble" that I developed in childhood, I actually found a way to make it useful to me... just in a very different way. Probably not the healthiest of ways, but hey, we gotta take what we can and leave the rest! Lol

I agree with the others and I and commend you for your courage in setting - and maintaining - your boundaries with family members. My trick was to move a thousand miles away at 25 thinking I could outrun not only my family, but all of my history as well. Unfortunately I discovered that not only did my history come along for the ride, I had a bunch more "stuff" to come that would be thrown at me by those same people that I tried to escape from to add to the pile. Being long distance did help somewhat but, without going into details, they served up some more of that stuff that falls into the "you just can't make that * up" category.

I would like to offer you one little trick that I learned along the way that often helps me with interacting with "normal" people. I think part of why it's so hard for us (well for me anyway) to have conversations is because we don't have simple, easy answers to even the most mundane questions from even the nicest of people. I wonder if a part of me also gets stuck with opening up because I want to protect that person from the demons in my past that they couldn't even begin to comprehend... so why ruin their day. (Much less come off as a psycho!)

At any rate, what I've learned to do is to turn the conversation back to the other person. I've discovered that people - even strangers - like nothing more than to talk about themselves... okay, maybe it's about being "heard" like we'd really appreciate as well but you catch my drift. Lol

Instead of feeling obligated to give someone an answer, I've given myself permission to just say something rather vague (honest, but just the basics) in response and then turn the questioning back to the other person. With each answer, I'll pick up on a tidbit that will give me another question so I can very often get through an entire conversation without giving away a single thing about myself. That may sound sort of deceitful, but you'd be surprised. I find that a lot of times I'm actually interested in what they have to say. And by the end of our somewhat-shallow interaction, I can sometimes walk away feeling pretty good... as if maybe I've actually made a positive difference in that person's day.   

I really didn't mean to go on so long, but I guess what I most want to say is that it sounds as if you're still young... at least much younger that me. I'm not saying that to discount your experience because this is not an easy road at any age... or at any point in our individual journeys. But even though it's incredibly hard to connect, you ARE trying and I hope you'll give yourself some MAJOR credit for that. Even though you've discovered that you have an "issue," at least you now have a name for it now and you've still got time to find solutions.

That may not mean much when things can look so dark and, like everyone here, I know that resources for C-PTSD are so few and far between. But there are many more now than when I was around (what I'm guessing to be)  your age so that says to me that more are coming. And with each new resource or avenue for answers that comes along, hopefully you'll benefit from them you before you find, as I have, that the years ahead of you are far fewer than the ones you've put behind you.

Much Love, Many Blessings...
Patianne

[MyPrison1965]

Feels like a sea of humanity and still there is no one there that sums it up for me too. I have spent most holidays alone made many dinners for myself and spent most birthdays alone as well. I have been in this world for many years and been dealing with life a lot like you have been avoiding and ducking my head. I have had relationships but they were not there and into themselves more. I would rather be on an deserted island at least I know where I stand, but here I am in a world full of others and I felt like it didn't matter anyway. You have to find your niche and run with it find something that works for you I did, I started my own business and I work for me, keeps me busy and out of my pity for myself, nothing comes easy no matter what walk of life you choose.

[perstirpes]

Justin, thank you so much for expressing what I've been feeling but unable to put into words. I'm new to this website and your post just made my night. I've also been struggling with complex ptsd related to childhood trauma and was never able to feel like anyone understood my challenges until I came across Pete Walker's book. I've been misdiagnosed with ptsd, bipolar, and anxiety disorders for years and was never able to get anything out of therapy. The social impact that cptsd has had on my life has been the most devastating. I know a lot of people but I'm close to no one really. I've never been able to connect sufficiently with someone to get passed the acquaintance stage. I had a boyfriend in high school who loved me but I couldn't reciprocate because I didn't feel like I wanted to get close to him so I ended up pushing him away. Never been in an intimate relationship because I don't know how to. Whether it is friendship or beyond that. I feel like I lack skills that come so easily to others. But I don't know what I'm missing except for the obvious. I get angry at me for not being able to make it happen for myself now that I'm an adult, have a job and make a good living. For what? If it's without family or other meaningful relationships in my life. The irony is that everyone I know sees me as this very normal, strong person, and even social. That's why I always feel like there is a glass between me and people. They don't know and I can't relate.
You're not alone. So don't quit. Cause I won't quit and this website has given me hope that there are some people who get it.
Thank you!

Hi, my name is Justin and I'm relatively new here to the forum.  I'm honestly really happy to have learned about cptsd and that there are SOME places at least for support and community.  I developed cptsd in childhood and honestly all the therapists doctors healers and gurus I went to looking for help never mentioned anything like cptsd to me, or even that perhaps I had been severely traumatized and abused as a child. 

Anyway, as happy as I am to learn about cptsd, and as eager as I am to recover, after reading Peter Walkers book I feel rather overwhelmed and a little bit hopeless.  Because I am primarily a freeze type with cptsd, I have spent most of my life in avoidance, hiding and isolation to the point where my social skills aren't so hot.  I mean I can do it, I can talk to people and so forth but it's always sort of a mask and the whole experience is very draining for me and I find myself counting the minutes before I can make my escape.  Also because of my constant state of shock fear and confusion growing up I isolated in my room and didn't learn a lot of things so my reservoir of things to talk about isn't so hot either.  Believe it or not as a male I avoided things like sports music and cars because the loud noises and tons of people were extremely triggering for me.  Honestly after learning about cptsd everything makes so much sense now. 

I know I need to connect with others, and learning about emotional flashbacks and how to manage them is very helpful, but it's so incredibly difficult that I find I don't want to lol.  I'm also very interested in spirituality and meditation, so when it comes to things like seclusion I can take that to the next level.  I've had a few girlfriends in my life but nothing serious, and I can never 'do it' you know?  Connecting with others in a real and intimate way is something I've never been able to to do, and I always end up pushing the girl away. 

I have had to go no contact with my abusive family and so I am alone and have no support system.  Honestly it really sucks and it's hard to go on like this.  I get so angry that I have to deal with cptsd and now I have to go through all this recovery just to get to a somewhat 'normal' place that I just say screw it sometimes. 

Anyway, at least I know now what I'm struggling with and how to get through it.  Having cptsd is hard enough but the freeze element of it makes it even tougher to get through the inner emotional ice wall that I have developed. 

I wanted to know if anyone here has trouble connecting with others and or in having intimate relationships with others.  I feel so invisible like I'm alive and part of a community but not really.  I work at night as well to give my nerves a break, so it's a very lonely world (although I do like to be alone for the most part).  I'm also underemployed as I was never able to complete a four year university due to intense emotional flashbacks in school settings and panic attacks I'd have and that has made my life extremely limited and narrow.  I honestly hate this and frankly wish I was never born if I was just going to end up with something like this and with no family support or love.  My Mom and sister live 15 minutes away from me but because of how abusive they are and the fact that they don't respect my boundaries, I spent Christmas alone in a cafe with a chicken salad sandwich and some coffee.  In fact I spent all the holidays alone.  And I can do it you know I'm used to it, but it's hard and I'm honestly sad. 

I'm looking to go to some coda meetings in the area to at least start to open up and have some intimate and vulnerable conversations with people, and some other spiritual groups in the area. 

Can anyone relate to this type of thing with connecting with others?

[Three Roses]

(Welcome, perstirpes!)

[Rainagain]

I agree with all of you.

For me part of the picture is realising that cptsd has an impact on so much of who I am, its so profound that just spotting what it is doing is a big job, never mind dealing with it all.

What interests me is that so much on here resonates with me. Different causes produce such similar effects.

Its like we are all in the x-ray waiting room nursing the exact same injury but have very different causes of the injury.

[Blueberry]

(Welcome perstripes! I'm glad the website has given you hope.)