[BlancaLap]

Creating good vibes has been something very important to me. To me, being around people who create good vibes and being able myself to create them has been an incredible experience, unlike what I have to deal in my house and what I have been dealing with all my life.

The past year I was able to create good vibes around me and I that was what made me get out of dissociation. Having finally a place where I could feel relatively comfortable and secure made me see a lot of things.

But I do not have now that place, instead I have a place where I feel incredibely uncomfortable, with really bad vibes around me.




I think that's what we all need: a place without bad vibes...

[BlancaLap]

The thing is, the only thing that made me get out of dissociation was being able to give good vibes to people, creating trust, not the type of trust that is build through years and years of being together, but the feeling that you get when you meet someone that s/he is trustworthy. So... at that time I didn't know it yet but I eventually found out that... because of my "dissociation" let's say, I didn't quite act like a human being or "normal" human being (let's say I didn't act like the rest of the people)... so... I was really ashamed and scared because the last thing I wanted was for people to see me act like that... because I have been there, I know what's the feeling you get when you see someone "act" like that and I didn't want to inspire that feeling, so I decided that I will only get out of my house whenever I was able to "connect" let's say and be able to act "like a human being" because of that. But, my parents (and I think everyone else) didn't understand that and they forced me to get out of my house and be with people when I couldn't connect and act normal... and eventually I couldn't even connect anymore. I have been living like that since then, and the only thing I want is to "connect" again, so I can act like every other human being, so I can inspire trust, so I can have a place where I can feel secure, so I can start healing...

[BlancaLap]

Has anyone have similar experiences?

[Three Roses]

I think a place where a person feels safe is essential to the beginning of healing. Maybe that's what you mean by good vibes.

I think a person can have awareness while they are somewhere unsafe but IMO removing yourself from a place where you are constantly being re-traumatised is necessary to achieve fullness of healing.

[BlancaLap]

I agree with you Three Roses. Do you think a place full of distrust and fear can by retraumatizing? Even through nobody is hitting, insulting or sexually abusing you? A place that is the exact same kind of place with the exact same kind of people that abused you, even though they are not them?

[Three Roses]

Yes, a place full of what you're describing can be re traumatizing, or at the very least it can keep you from progressing with your healing. 

[BlancaLap]

Yes, a place full of what you're describing can be re traumatizing, or at the very least it can keep you from progressing with your healing. 

Good to know

[LittleBird]

 

[Gwyon]

BiancaLap:

I SO get what you are talking about. And it took me years to give myself permission to NOT socialize when I just wasn't in the right place. That was healing for me, and I'm sorry you aren't being allowed that freedom :-(

Yes, safety and trust is core for me. I'd say I have 3 categories:
1) People I feel fully safe with. These are very few ... I should spend more time with them.
2) People I know can't be trusted. Fortunately I'm at a place in my life where I can and have ejected them. I hope you get there sooner rather  than later.
3) Everyone else. These I typically project my distrust on without having good evidence one way or another. I'm trying to let go of my internal narrative so I see them for who they truly are, without prejudging or needing anything.  That's hard, and a long term effort.

Gwyon