Relapsed and I can't... *sh trigger warning*

[ElizabethGenevieve]

Struggling so much right now. I know it's not good that I only come on here to rant when I'm really not okay. I have had some good days since the last time I posted a journal. I'm sorry I don't talk about the good stuff as much, it's just that when I have good days I don't want to be around anything that reminds me of my demons. I'm keeping a steady job that's going really well and I haven't missed paying any bills yet. Those were two basic things I used to worry about a lot - it's a great feeling to know I can take care of myself financially and be responsible. I'm even considering going back to school to pursue a better paying career in healthcare. 

However...

I've "relapsed" in a couple of areas pretty bad and I'm really scared that I'm going to make a stupid mistake one of these days. I don't remember how much we are allowed to share details on here so I'll try to be vague but I'm really struggling with extreme urges to self harm. I had issues with that in high school but I never allowed myself to do it to the point where I got addicted. Then it wasn't an issue for a couple years but now it's back stronger than ever and I don't know what triggered it. I feel like it's just because I am in so much pain and I feel like I deserve it. And it just keeps hitting me out of the blue, like today - I had a pretty good day and was in a good mood and then now all of a sudden I am in so much pain and I relapsed and I feel so weak. Like physically weak.

I also realized I've become a perfectionist, obsessing over every little mistake I make because I'm trying to make people love me to make up for the hole in my heart from my FOO. I know part of this is because the holidays were so exhausting, spending so much time with my family and all. But it's so stupid because I know that's not the way to get people to love me. And part of me knows I might never get that hole filled. UGhhhhhh.

I feel so alone. Not like I'm the only one with these issues - I know a lot of people going through similar issues but they are all people I would never want to be like - they are so angry and hateful and I don't want to be like that. I just hurt so much and I wonder if I'll ever heal  I'm lonely. I talk to my best friend a little bit about it sometimes but she just had her first baby and is exhausted most of the time so I've backed off and I'm trying not to rant my troubles on her very often. Not that talking really helps anyway.

Anyway. Does anyone have any good suggestions for something to do when you feel like self harming? I listen to music and work out but sometimes that's just not enough. Any other suggestions would be great too.

[sanmagic7]

elizabethg, i understand about the struggling, been doing a lot of that lately myself. 

i don't know about stopping self-harm except to shout down that voice that's telling you that you deserve to be in pain cuz you're human.  or, like 3 roses does when her ICr raises its head, picture it in some nincompoop way and laugh at it, deflate its bullying of you.

that's all that is, to my mind, is a big bully, wanting to make you feel small in order that it can feel bigger.  like all the bullies in our lives, they pick on the sweetness of who we are cuz they don't have that wonderful quality within them.  so, they try to tear it down by inflicting pain upon us. 

it's ok to come here when you feel the need.  we're here for you no matter what.  play that music louder, dance like no one's watching, break that bully's back with love for yourself.  hang tough, e.g.  hangin' right beside you.  big loving hug to you.  maybe physically giving yourself a hug might help, too.  it's helped me in the past.

[Three Roses]

Hi, so sorry you're having a rough time.  There is a whole sub-forum here on self harm, and Dee has some really great things to say about overcoming this - here's one of her posts from that board - http://outofthefog.net/C-PTSD/forum/index.php?topic=7913.0

[DecimalRocket]

It's alright to not mention what's good sometimes. Journals are here for the owners — for you. That's the goal here, and people willingly volunteer themselves here to adjust around that. If you want to vent out how badly you're feeling, it's alright. People need to acknowledge what they're going through to know how to act wisely on it.

I believe you don't deserve to self harm, Elizabeth. You've managed to earn a stable career here. Managed to stop self harming for a long time. Managed to care about a friend so much that you're willing to sacrifice your only form of face to face support.

I think you need a break — a nice, relaxing break. Ideas on what to do? Usually, I like to meditate, or try an interesting hobby I love.

Take care.