Changes ahoy

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JamesG

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Changes ahoy
« on: January 04, 2018, 09:08:36 AM »
So...

big year for me.

Firstly, I move to Wales to save cash and concentrate on my writing. Big deal this. My costs will halve and, as sales of my novels start to climb, they pay my bills and I get to make it a job. Exciting stuff.

Next, I come off meds. I've been weighing this up and I just feel that although they did stop me thinking about leaping off the castle walls, they now numb me too much and are working against me rather than for me. I'm going to taper the little blighters as much as possible because they don't like being dropped.

Then there's my escape from the business partnership. Been a long time coming this but it's been hellish of late, a rolling storm of triggers. I let far too much pass when things were at their worst and this is the only way to correct the negatives. Outlook is good tho with new clients and contacts bubbling up and new routes to gain work starting to appear.

Mood. Well, it's still an upward curve but there seem to be far sharper ups and downs as you get better. I'd warn anyone here to watch for that and build it into your expectations, as you get better, you will feel it more. It's an odd paradox but this condition is all about numbness overlaying anxiety and panic and you have to take that lid off at some point. It's a lot like dentistry, you feel the pain when the anaesthetic wears off but it's nothing compared to how it would have felt sans the injections. I know I have a lot of pain and crying still to come, but I have to see it all as a symbol of recovery and keep objective.

Energy. This is the big one for me. My adrenals are a mess, no question. Also, I've been drinking on top of the meds (lepraxo/ecitilopran) and this has not helped. I'm now switching to low alcohol options and tapering the meds so we shall see how that pans out. I'm also making my diet fit the profile of adrenal fatigue and avoiding sugar and caffeine as well as burying myself in supplements. Seriously, if I get hiccups, people form conga lines. Vitamin D, ginseng and B 12 seem to be the main recommendations but there are lots of others on the list. Most are placebos but what the *, if a placebo works, have another. Alcohol reduction is a challenge because I have leant on it just to break the isolation so initially I am going to try and just drink less and lighter and still go out. But then it's sugary drinks... sigh. I might just buy food!

But it's going to be a big year. I must remember to take it slow tho and not burn out. You have to learn to self-care as much as possible, listen to your body and act on the warning signs. I'm impatient, I lost 7 years of my life to people who gave nothing back and left me with nothing, I want a life again. But we have to start from where we are and learn to overcome the desire to protest and recoil at the expense of building and moving ahead.

I'm still very hurt, bewildered and angry at how I was used, abused and let down but I want life more than I want to root through the wreckage. I'm 54, I have a life and I have a lot to give and that is my course now.

To all of you in here, all of you who have been so hurt and mistreated, I just want to say that I wish you nothing but peace and space to heal in the year ahead. We share as much that is positive as we do the negatives tho and I never fail to marvel at the humanity you all show. What was done to us all was wrong and just plain dumb and we, because we are so human and sensitive and empathic, took that stupidity deep and let it do us a real injury. But it is not like losing a leg. The brain is an amazing thing and if treated right, it will recover and serve us well as we go forward. Give it time, treat it with understanding and respect and let it heal in the way it needs to. Dress its wounds with logic, knowledge and common-sense. Find friends and supporters who understand and ringfence your recovery from those who don't or won't. This is your story, your injury and your recovery, put yourself first.

Let's all stand back up and fight back.

x

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Rainagain

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Re: Changes ahoy
« Reply #1 on: January 04, 2018, 09:36:30 AM »
I am pleased that you are changing the irksome parts of your life James, you will be in a much better situation by years end I think.

My only concern for you is the meds, I have dropped meds before only to crash, I have been wanting to drop mine too but have decided to carry on.

I hope it all works out well for you.

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Mussymel

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Re: Changes ahoy
« Reply #2 on: January 04, 2018, 10:43:08 AM »
Fantastic post James thank you. It gives me hope. I wish you all the best with this exciting year ahead for you.

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Three Roses

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Re: Changes ahoy
« Reply #3 on: January 04, 2018, 04:20:33 PM »
Really great thoughts, James! I too want to focus on the positives, to heal more this year. I want to stop focusing on the past and all the pain - that seems to just help to keep me stuck - and focus instead on what I can do for myself for healing, and let it spread outward from me, in a ripple effect. At least that is my intention.

Here's to all of us! 🥂

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JamesG

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Re: Changes ahoy
« Reply #4 on: January 04, 2018, 09:30:01 PM »
Thanks all,

gonna play safe with the meds and taper them as much as my scalpel blade allows me. Tiny little things. I just want my head back really, I am willing to take some angst in exchange for some cognitive improvement, right now I feel badly sluggish. Writing is the thing... If I write and produce, I'm happy, if I drift, I panic. If I was being looked after by a doting family and a loving partner it would be different but considering they did this to me and I'm now on my own, I need some gas in the tank.


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Rainagain

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Re: Changes ahoy
« Reply #5 on: January 05, 2018, 12:49:57 AM »
I just worry about stuff!

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JamesG

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Re: Changes ahoy
« Reply #6 on: January 05, 2018, 07:25:12 AM »
I hear ya... Not to worry tho, I am rigged for every scenario.

getting a large tax rebate has cheered me up tho... oh momma...

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Rainagain

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Re: Changes ahoy
« Reply #7 on: January 05, 2018, 02:03:21 PM »
Hurrah!

You won't be far from the Gower, get a surfboard dude!

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JamesG

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Re: Changes ahoy
« Reply #8 on: January 07, 2018, 09:29:36 AM »
Surfing? Me.... ? You would not want to see me in a wet suit.

So far so good on the meds, in fact better than good. My clarity of thought is waaaaay up. I got a lot of productive stuff done yesterday that seemed way beyond me last week. I then saw my pal in the evening and she was stunned by how much more alive I was, I looked and acted like my old self and was really on form. Definitely a good move.

They did their job when I was desperate and on the ropes, but when the crisis lifts, I think they tend to just wipe you out. Back in action... that's the thing.

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Rainagain

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Re: Changes ahoy
« Reply #9 on: January 07, 2018, 09:35:36 AM »
Really pleased to hear that James.

I do fret about meds, probably worrying on your behalf as well.

Its like walking a tightrope whilst playing buckaroo......

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JamesG

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Re: Changes ahoy
« Reply #10 on: January 07, 2018, 03:59:30 PM »
IT IS!

helps if I don't drink half a bottle of port too. Lesson learned.

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JamesG

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Re: Changes ahoy
« Reply #11 on: January 15, 2018, 08:33:08 AM »
UPDATE

ouch on meds, but not so much emotional, more physical. Exhausted, headaches, nausea etc etc. But my head is clearer and I'm getting stuff done. The effect will go but aye, pretty extreme.

But worth it, I need to take action and the meds were stopping it. Had to go.

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Rainagain

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Re: Changes ahoy
« Reply #12 on: January 15, 2018, 09:01:55 AM »
Glad to hear you are coping without the pills, pleased for you.

And spring is on way, that helps too.

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JamesG

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Re: Changes ahoy
« Reply #13 on: January 15, 2018, 03:56:44 PM »
it is, and it will.

right now tho, I'm bonkers


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Three Roses

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Re: Changes ahoy
« Reply #14 on: January 15, 2018, 04:00:35 PM »
 Are you alright? I am a bit concerned about you being "bonkers" - care to elaborate? :)  We care about you, James. :hug: