I have a dilemma

[BlancaLap]

Oh my gosh I explained myself really bad in this post, so I'm going to write it again.

When I was young I used to have (and still have) a really big ego, like, I used to look down at people who were more "insecure" or with a "lower self-esteem", and I think it's because people always treated me like that. I'm not saying I was bad to them, but I would "care less" about what that people may have thought about me. So, that made me act like a little bit more "secure", that made me feel less "threatened", so I will always end up being with that kind of people, like, if I was in a class and there was one person alone I would be the first one to go and talk to him/her and be nice... like I though I wanted to help them but in reality I just wanted to help me.

I stopped doing that because I changed the way I see the world, so that made me change the way I behave. But the thing is, I was able to change while I was like that, and I have been stuck in "dissociation" without any progress for almost a year now, so maybe going back to when I was like that, maybe being a little more like I was back then, to start seeing things like I used to see them back then... makes me start healing again, since what I want is to change the way I see the world... again, to the better

[Rainagain]

I don't think I understand.

To me cptsd seems to bash the ego into barely existing, not sure how you can reverse that and become expansive and self confident?

[BlancaLap]

I think it is the other way around. C-PTSD expand the ego into the infinite and beyond; and it's not real confidence, but at that time I used to think it was. Being confident... is not like that, that is having ego

[Blueberry]

I guess it is like feeling you have some sort of power over others who are "more insecure", feeling and thinking that you can take advantage of them, like that gives you the chance to act "extra confident".

I'm having trouble understanding your whole thread actually. But I stop and rub my eyes when I read the above quote. Taking advantage of people who are more insecure?? That doesn't sound healthy to me, for yourself or the other person. Excuse me if I'm misunderstanding something, but it even sounds abusive to me.

[BlancaLap]

Oh my gosh I explained myself really bad in this post, so I'm going to write it again.

When I was young I used to have (and still have) a really big ego, like, I used to look down at people who were more "insecure" or with "lower self-esteem", and I think it's because people always treated me like that. I'm not saying I was bad to them, but I would "care less" about what that people may have thought about me. So, that made me act like a little bit more "secure", that made me feel less "threatened", so I will always end up being with that kind of people, like, if I was in a class and there was one person alone I would be the first one to go and talk to him/her and be nice... like I though I wanted to help them but in reality I just wanted to help me.

I stopped doing that because I changed the way I see the world, so that made me change the way I behave. But the thing is, I was able to change while I was like that, and I have been stuck in "dissociation" without any progress for almost a year now, so maybe going back to when I was like that, maybe being a little more like I was back then, to start seeing things like I used to see them back then... makes me start healing again, since what I want is to change the way I see the world... again, to the better

Better?

[Three Roses]

No, not really. I think we are all a bit confused by this....

If you are treating others in any way besides an honest, unpremeditated healthy response, you are in dysfunctional territory IMO. Seeing, feeling, or treating others as if they are less important than you could be construed as abusive. Treating others as if they are more important than you is also dysfunctional.

[BlancaLap]

No, not really. I think we are all a bit confused by this....

If you are treating others in any way besides an honest, unpremeditated healthy response, you are in dysfunctional territory IMO. Seeing, feeling, or treating others as if they are less important than you could be construed as abusive. Treating others as if they are more important than you is also dysfunctional.

Oh my gosh I'm not going out there traumatizing people...

You missed the whole point of this post

[Three Roses]

I used to have (and still have) a really big ego, like, I used to look down to people who were more "insecure" or with "lower self-esteem"  ...   I would be the first one to go to him/her and talk and be nice... like ... I wanted to help them but in reality I wanted to help me. So, you can say I was being selfish.   

Sorry, this is not healthy. I stand by my statement.

[BlancaLap]

Okay, let's say this.

Why do people treat other people badly? Cause they don't care! And do you think it will change anything to tell them that it's bad? No! Cause they will still don't care, cause they don't feel it. You care when you feel you care, when you see and feel it's bad and why it's bad, when you feel awful when you think about it, otherwise you will still do it (or maybe you will stop cause you fear what others may do to you, Idk).

You see, when I was... "not dissociated" I was able to see that what I was doing was wrong and I used to feel horrible... really really bad.
Right now I don't feel it so I don't care (not only about that, I don't care about anything) and sorry but I can't change that.
But I'm looking for changing it and caring about things and people again.

I have done bad things and I used to feel really really bad.

I have been almost one year trying to change this and trying to act according to what I knew was wrong, but I'm still this way: I'm desperate. I know that (if I change this) I will feel horrible, but I don't know what else to do...

So sorry if I start acting this way again, but that's what it is, that's how I am now (not deep down of course).

You see, when people know what's right and what's wrong, they always tend to do the right thing: they may stay silent when people shout at them, not talk back, cause they know they will feel horrible if they do it. And people who are against animal abuse and are like super kind to strangers and, I don't know, vegan cause global warming and always go to protests against corruption and injustice but still shout at their parents and siblings and just don't give a * about their feelings are just fakers who think they care when they don't. See, people may not be vegan or go to protests or care about strangers but still care genuinely about their friends' and families' feelings.

Now tell me, why shouldn't I try it?

[BlancaLap]

I used to have (and still have) a really big ego, like, I used to look down to people who were more "insecure" or with "lower self-esteem"  ...   I would be the first one to go to him/her and talk and be nice... like ... I wanted to help them but in reality I wanted to help me. So, you can say I was being selfish.   

Sorry, this is not healthy. I stand by my statement.

You seem like you are trying to proof something and it really pisses me off

[BlancaLap]

I'm here for people to help not lecture me or proof I'm immature!

You see, I have never talked about this with anybody cause I know the normal reaction would be to stay the * away from me (I mean c'mon, who wants to be with a person that doesn't care about others' feelings). But you see, I though people here would understand that and try to help me care about things again. I guess I was wrong.

[Sceal]

I don't recognize myself in your dilemma personally, but I have known people who has struggled with this. So I thought I'd share my two cents, I hope it's okay. It's all anecdotal.

My bestie through adolecence hid her poor selfesteem and her poor body image in a fake self-confidence. She'd often act as my superior (and well, I would let her both subconciously and sometimes conciously. but that's another topic).She was the cool one of the two of us and in our nerdy group.  She would know better about all sorts of topic, except for one. How to deal with emotions when they became too strong. It took about 10-12 years before she told the world she is a transsexual.
She struggled alot with who she was, her place in the world and what kind of life she would want for herself. Things I think we all can recognize. Her behaviour was probably not always the kindest, wisest or smartest. But it was what it had to be in order to cope.
She's older now, and she is showing her compassion more. She listens. I suspect at one point or another she had a similar internal battle with herself as the one you're struggling with now BlancaLap. Although, I don't think she dissociated.

We all are forced to face our battles one way or the other, and how we react to it is very individual. You want to change, you want to be better. You want to be able to care again. I think that is step number one. That right there.
I also think that helping others isn't a one way street. By helping others, reaching out a hand, it will make ourselves feel better too. And there's nothing wrong with that.

My advice... Is probably a little vague. But if it is possible, try to avoid judging. Try to see the people from their perspective. Try to behave in a way that you would like others to treat you (Hopefully you would prefer others to treat you with kindness, validation, respect and compassion... Well, that's how I want others to treat me anyway But we're all different).
And if you do find yourself about to or already acting in a disrespecting manner, apologize.
Change takes time, and practice. But without practice it wont come.

I hope this was okay, and that I'm not stepping on someone's toes.

[Three Roses]

Well said!   

[BlancaLap]

Your response is really kind Sceal, but that's not what I'm looking for. What I'm looking for is not something you "learn" by "practice", it's instictive, it is beyond our control, it's in the feelings, it's like saying you care or don't care, you feel or don't feel. It's the way we see, the lebel of "grounding" we have, how connected we are with ourselves and the world. There is nothing to learn about, just hope that I can care about things again, that's the only thing I care about right now.

Btw: people who have to "learn" how to be nice are fakers, that's not something you learn, you are genuinely nice or you are a faker.

[BlancaLap]

Thanks for ignoring me Three Roses