Trying to gain understanding (long post)

[Sceal]

My T talked about dissociation briefly a few months ago, when I called her in distress one day.
I had found myself in the middle of the forest, with no memory of heading up there. I remember I was heading towards town, I was inteded to go swim before class I think. What I was doing after I actually can't recall, but I had some other appointment in town. I remember I was a little late and had to drive half-way to the busstop. I had parked the car and on the other side of the street there was a man in a big black coat. Next thing I "woke up" in the forest.  My T said she suspected my flight responce had been triggered to such an extent it was the only thing that was "awake" and it took me into the forest as it's a place I tend to feel safe and it was nearby.
I was gone, according to the time for about 1.5 hour. I felt disconnected for the rest of the day. I was present, but disconnected. Like it was a filter between me and the rest of the world.

It's not like I wasn't aware that I sometimes ended up in places and couldn't remember how I'd gotten there, or why I'd walked into this or that room. Or that I sometimes "floated" away from the present and went somewhere, no where in spesific. But it hadn't created any obvious problems for me, and people have been used to me being weird so no one has ever commented on me spacing out.

When I was at the SA center recently I mentioned hearing voices and the lady got really interessted. And when I asked why, she said because she was taking an extra education within dissociation. And I asked her how that was relevant, and she said it had everything to do with dissociation. She asked about the voices, I told her about two of them. The ones who has been most active. The man, whom I call Sev. I know it's not his name, but he doesn't mind. And the girl. The girl, she doesn't say much - if anything. I can't remember her talking to me. They have been with me since I was a child. As a child and teenager I just thought of them as my imaginary friends. The ones (healthy and otherwise) children have when they are kids making up stories, I just figured mine never went away. She talked about ANP and EP, and I will have to look them up properly and learn more. I  just haven't been in a clear state of mind to do so. But it made me consider that the reason why I can't do certain things is because of the EP's.

And are the EP's the voices, or are they different?

I looked into the information thread here, and roughly skimmed through the articles. And one of them had a checklist on dissociation
( https://www.healingfromcomplextraumaandptsd.com/dissociation )
"Feeling compelled to behave in a certain way"
This one is a scary concept to me. I don't know what to make of it. I've been apart of things that was against my values, and which I feel so ashamed of I cannot talk about it. And I am wondering... did I do it because of a dissociative symptom? Did I do it because I was manipulated and groomed to do it? Was it both? Was it me being too afraid to say no, out of fear that I'd be in real trouble?
Or the scariest question of it all... Was it the "healthy" me? And am I looking for excuses?
If it was a byproduct of dissociation, grooming, manipulation, flight/flight/fawn/freeze - is it then an excuse... or am I not to blame?

If anyone has followed this long post to the end, I really apprechiate it. These are questions I don't yet dare ask people in my life. So I ask them here, in anonymity.

[Three Roses]

Apparently normal parts (ANP) are the rational, present-oriented, and grounded parts of the individual that handle daily life or, in the case of dissociative identity disorder (DID) and so multiple ANP, aspects of daily life. The jobs of the ANP include social interaction and attachment, taking care of others, work, play, exploration, learning, and taking care of physical needs.

Emotional parts (EP) are the parts of the personality that represent the dissociation or that contain the traumatic materials (memories of the trauma, internalized beliefs and perceptions, learned responses, etc). EP are often drawn forth by reminders of the trauma and may not experience much of everyday life. Because of this, they might be far less developed than ANP.

(from http://did-research.org/origin/structural_dissociation/anp_ep.html )

I have experienced feeling compelled to behave in certain ways and hearing my mouth say things I did not intend to say.  These have always been when I've been triggered into an emotional flashback in a high stress situation, and I assume I've been dissociated (or I wouldn't have done/said those things).

I am wondering if what the mental health community called EPs, are our inner children?

[BlancaLap]

I think that's dissociation, but that's something you shouldn't blame yourself for or be ashamed of... but I guess saying that doesn't help, you can't control how you feel about it.

See things this way, dissociation is here to help you, to protect you... everybody has it, people understand that

[Dee]

I've done several things.  The one I can most relate to is sometimes I feel like there is screaming in my head.  It is a panic and I want to run from myself, knowing I can't do that.  I can never describe exactly what happens.  Usually, I try to have a drink to calm me down and quiet my head, but I am now trying different techniques.  I know I say over and over to use your 5 senses, but I can't emphasize it enough.

[Rainagain]

Hi Sceal,

What you describe must be very frightening, feel for you.

I have something different but which involves lost time, my psych questioned me pretty closely about the things you describe, he was trying to see if I have fugue states.

I don't but your symptoms sound like you might be having something like that.

Just trying to help, I'm no expert.

Stuff you can't control  at all is what shocks me the most.

[Sceal]

Apparently normal parts (ANP) are the rational, present-oriented, and grounded parts of the individual that handle daily life or, in the case of dissociative identity disorder (DID) and so multiple ANP, aspects of daily life. The jobs of the ANP include social interaction and attachment, taking care of others, work, play, exploration, learning, and taking care of physical needs.

Emotional parts (EP) are the parts of the personality that represent the dissociation or that contain the traumatic materials (memories of the trauma, internalized beliefs and perceptions, learned responses, etc). EP are often drawn forth by reminders of the trauma and may not experience much of everyday life. Because of this, they might be far less developed than ANP.

(from http://did-research.org/origin/structural_dissociation/anp_ep.html )

I have experienced feeling compelled to behave in certain ways and hearing my mouth say things I did not intend to say.  These have always been when I've been triggered into an emotional flashback in a high stress situation, and I assume I've been dissociated (or I wouldn't have done/said those things).

I am wondering if what the mental health community called EPs, are our inner children?

That's an interessting quote. I'll look into the article when I can turn my brain back on again.
I had never heard of emotional flashbacks until I got to this page, I know what visual flashbacks are. I know them all too well.
I've been compelled to do things I didn't want to many times. But I always assumed it was my fear of being a bother if I said no, even if I didn't feel fear at the moment. I've heard myself say things I didn't want to say, or things I've never told anyone else before - without intending or wanting to. But without being able to stop it.
Is that what this is?

I've never looked upon the voices as my inner children. Especially as the vocal one is a much older man than me.
A friend of mine calls hers "siblings", but that doesn't seem to fit me either.  So I've no idea if EP's are technically inner children.

I think that's dissociation, but that's something you shouldn't blame yourself for or be ashamed of... but I guess saying that doesn't help, you can't control how you feel about it.

See things this way, dissociation is here to help you, to protect you... everybody has it, people understand that

I know everyone dissociate to various degrees, when things gets uncomfortable.  It's kind of helpful to know that it's a normal thing.
I don't really blame myself for dissociating, but I do blame myself for what I do when I am dissociating, if I am doing anything I shouldn't. If that makes sense?

I've done several things.  The one I can most relate to is sometimes I feel like there is screaming in my head.  It is a panic and I want to run from myself, knowing I can't do that.  I can never describe exactly what happens.  Usually, I try to have a drink to calm me down and quiet my head, but I am now trying different techniques.  I know I say over and over to use your 5 senses, but I can't emphasize it enough.

Screaming inside your head sounds awful! No wonder you want to run away from that!  I hate screaming in general, it makes me feel unsafe.  I used to do the 5 senses, but I had forgotten about that. Thank you for the reminder!

Hi Sceal,

What you describe must be very frightening, feel for you.

I have something different but which involves lost time, my psych questioned me pretty closely about the things you describe, he was trying to see if I have fugue states.

I don't but your symptoms sound like you might be having something like that.

Just trying to help, I'm no expert.

Stuff you can't control  at all is what shocks me the most.

I don't think it's so frightening, it's mostly confusing and a little worrying. Although, it does get scary when I find myself in completely unexpected places without knowing how or why I got there. Even worse if I don't know where. (Thank god for mobile phones with GPS maps!) But those only happy very very rarely.

What is a fugue state? Is that what others call inner children, or personalities that can take over when things become too hard to bear?

[DecimalRocket]

Sceal, that does sound pretty serious. I wish you the best. 

[Sceal]

  thank you Rocket. I wish the best for you as well.