Elpha's new adventure

Started by Elphanigh, January 06, 2018, 10:15:20 PM

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Elphanigh

This journal is going to replace my old one for a few reasons. One, it is obnoxiously long. Two, I have hit a changing point in my own recovery journey. This is also why I have labeled it with Elpha, for a name I am grtting called here more often, which is new and good.  Then new adventure because this is a new leg of my journey.


After reading and asking around a lot about setting recovery goals,  I have decided I really like the idea of words rather than a detailed list, because the list would guilt me and drive me crazy. I am posting here as a reminder that this space will help me get these.

1. Stability: I want to find stability in myself, not seek it from outside as much
2. Breath: I want to remember and learn to breathe more fully every day
3. Understanding: I want to make sure I am giving myself the same understanding as I give others, this includes younger versions of myself

Here's to a year full of healing, whatever that brings me.

Three Roses


Sceal

Wonderful goals to work towards!
Keep up the good work!

Hope67

Hi Elpha,
I wanted to try out your new name - it's a great one!  I know you are hoping for lots of healing this year, and I hope that your dreams are realised.
Hope  :)

Elphanigh

Thanks Hope! You can call me either, I just named the journal this way. I love that people here call me by a few different nicknames, irl I don't have any.

DecimalRocket

Haha, Elpha!  You used the nickname I gave you for your journal's title. I'm glad you enjoyed the nickname. I think shortened nicknames are fun.

Well it's nice to see you use three generalized goals like that.

I remember a story where a man entered a philosophy classroom and everyone was arguing. When he asked them the definition of things like "Beauty" or "Reality", everyone stood up to mention different definitions of the ideas, which frustrated the class even further.

People from several disciplines and in life seem to have that same problem. They don't define what they're looking for, when they think they are. So good job on that.

Elphanigh

Thank you Decimal! I enjoy the nicknames, having gathered a couple here makes me smile.

The generalized goals came from some advice that is to help me not guilt myself too much this year. I am glad you like them. The philosophy thing is so true!! I study philosophy and those moments have happened in class while trying to define something nebulous

Elphanigh

I am trying to decide which direction to go on Tuesday.. at therapy last week I started exploring about my inner that is about 17, which was good. However we spent longer on processing an image from college, one that has helped cost me that career path and my love for it. I have to decide if I want to continue to process into that or if I want to change track and keep working on my past. Honestly, I am not certain which way I will go.

It would be good to recover my love to play but I want to dig into things in my past. I want to tackle the bigger wounds. My music may come back in time, and with those larger wounds. But the larger wounds won't heal by tackling my music. If I play more often it might also settle and become something good again.

So I do not know where I should go. I will find my answer but I am not certain what is wisest. Until Tuesday I will weigh my options, I want to start tackling a bit deeper into things, but getting my music back would be wonderful. *sigh* only so much time

Elphanigh

I am still pretty split on what I will do to move forward. If nothing else I can bring that to my T and see if maybe I can gain some clarity in session . Either way, I wanted to put some things here.


One, I have been a but apprehensive to post a bunch after becoming a moderator. I am excited to be able to help and to grow into the role. However, it was more of a change than I bargained for. I will find the balsnce certainly and me keeping faithful to posting in my journal will help me do that.

Two, I have been struggling with a memory off and on for a couple weeks. It came up in session but we didn't get into it because it would have been too much. It has become part of my nightmares though so maybe it is time to deal with it. It isn't a memory I have spent any time processing though. With others I have done some processing so they are more feasibly a way to start going deeper.

It can back with a session I did on anger. That little thirteen year old inner child that holds so much anger and resentment towards the adults that failed her. I started letting her list out everyone, listening to all the wrong she holds anger towards. There were countless adults that failed me, and maybe one or two that could be considered healthy at all in my childhood. Even some of the healthy ones failed to protect me when given the chance. I resent that a lot, because I could have been saved many times over but I was never worth it to anyone. I wasn't worth the risk of saving. They should have cared more and didn't. This partof me knows that wasn't my fault, it was theirs.

*tw* SA

The adult that is in my memory was worse than all of them in some ways. He didn't just not save me, he encouraged the hurt and hurt me. This memory is one of my more blurry ones but has solidified some over time. I imagine I disassociated a ton to deal with what happened.

He caught me and one of my main abusers, walked in on him raping me... threw him out, and instead of saving me he continued where the other had left off.

He was much older, larger, and scarier than my other abusers. Well most of them. I had so many it is hard to really gauge that because several of them are blurry at best. The memories are there but the figures are a mystery to me. 

I know my T trusts and believes me about everything I have told her lies in my past, but this one sounds almost too bad to be true. To say the father of one of mt worst abusers decided to abuse me as well instead of saving me... to say he witnessed it, and did fsr worse than just doing nothing.. that sounds like too much. But it is true.. I know and feel it. I should trust that she will believe me, but I can't help but worry


Three Roses

  :hug: Words fail me. I'm sorry you went through that.

Elphanigh

 :hug: The hug is wonderful, thank you. I needed to post that but I am left feeling a bit raw and vulnerable from it. I went through it and find putting words to it is still so difficult, so I definitely understand how words could fail you.  :hug:


It is hard to reconcile memories like that one. I am forced to remember just how cruel the world was to me. I have worked so hard to get to a place where I am free of all of that. I am no longer in a place where I am abused in any form, granted I was until less than a year ago but I got out of that. I learned to draw stricter boundaries and to go NC with a few people in order to create safety for myself.

Nonetheless, here I set still dealing with all that I have endured. I have been told it was a miracle I survived my past, that me being alive and functioning is impressive. Both by a couple of therapists and two close friends that I have confided in. There is this little voice though that keeps telling me how much worse it could have been.. that maybe I make too much out of nothing. Things could have been worse, I was given food and clothes. I had friends that were good, not all of them but I did have good friends as a kid.

I have posted a lot about my experiences in my previous journals, and if I had the heart to I would go back and read through them. Maybe to serve as a reminder of the fact it was bad, that the people here have recognized that time and time again. Yes I function mostly normallybut that is not done without a lot of effort and some dissociating when needed...

I truly have experienced almost every form of abuse at one point or another in my 23 years of life. I wish that were an exaggeration but it isn't. For some reason that truth is so much harder to accept today.  :fallingbricks:

More on a positive note because all of that is gloomy, I am determined to make this year my first one with no abuse in my life. For once I have the chance to give that to myself. I have never gotten to say that was possible before

Blueberry

 :hug: :hug: Elphanigh

Terrible as it was, what happened to you, I believe you.

Elphanigh

 :hug: :hug: Thank you for believing me, it means a lot.

Elphanigh

A friend pointed this out to me as I have been struggling today. I have quoted bits and pieces for the reminder to myself and for anyone else that needs it.

" it always sounds like if something were to happen that it would be a reflection on you as a person or your life and I don't think that's fair on yourself at all... whenever you say things like 'I don't see how it won't change' or that it won't last, I always just want to keep repeating the mantra of things along the lines of its not you and it has nothing to do with who you are and you are more than other people's stupid hateful choices. I want you to know that you being lovely and amazing can't be affected by other people's actions"

It was a spot on observation of how I speak about my abuse related to my future. I think it goes here to remind me, and I hope it is of use to someone else

DecimalRocket

I find it heartbreaking to hear what happened to you, and I'm glad you found a way to have hope. It's cliche, but sometimes it's the cliche things that show the most insight. Believe in yourself even when other's don't.

:cheer: