Elpha's new adventure

[Elphanigh]

Thank you Decimal  That hope didn't stick around long yesterday, but it will come back.

There is a part of me that is so fearful here. That can't trust in a reality that doesn't have some form of abuse pointed at me. I have never had that so there is so much of me that doesn't understand how to exist like that.. part of me that is just waiting for something to happen because it always has. That fear is so horrible to sit with.

I got completely exhausted because I ended up having an EF and kind of reliving bits of my past. I shared a lot with a good trusted friend of mine. That processing is always exhausting but tends to help me sleep eventually. Instead of sleep my brain went in circles remembering more of it, things about it I haven't really thought about in a long time.

I went in circles about whether I could even believe my own truth, and wondered how anyone else would because it sounds so extensive and horrible. Wondered about my own fault in all of it, reliving some of the things I used to blame myself for again.

I hadn't cried quite that much in a long time, it was probably needed but I was not prepared for the million trails my mind tried to explore

[Elphanigh]

Today is already proving to be difficult. Coming off of the body memories and strong ef from yesterday in combination with another night with a nightmare is not easy. I am hoping work will help to place me more in the present. I am trying to ground and move forward but it is more difficult today than I would like. My cats have taken notice to this, which is sweet of them but isn't seeming to have the affect it normally would.

Recovery is more than I ever bargained for but I will continue down its path. Today though I just seek some peace. Trying to channel as much strength as I can to create the earth mother spirit that has helped me through so many of these difficult days. Just hoping I am in fact strong and wise enough to do so.

[Three Roses]

I wish I were good at those statements! They sound so beautiful and warm when San says them. But may I offer you a safe, gentle hug? 

[Elphanigh]

I wish I was too.  I can do it for others sometimes, but San always made them warm and full of everything one could ever need.

Three Roses, the safe gentle hug is perfect today. I appreciate that you are always here to offer those 

[Elphanigh]

Excited to be back on the forum. Although feeling cautious to lose any posts. It is amazing how much I feel attached to all of you, and felt like I wanted to make sure all of you were doing okay,

It has been a long but useful five or so days. My nightmares have been beyond terrible lately, but I also had a brave thing happen in therapy. I fully processed through one of my worst memories. I did so by telling it in chunks, having it read back to me, taking time to deal with any emotions or physical sensations, then repeating on each section until it was done. Both my therapist and I were surprised at just how well I handled the whole process. It is a first with her, and for that particular memory with me. It was not completely detailed but pretty complete.

My nightmares were centered around that memory until we processed it. We changed the ending in session, apparently a good way to help process the trauma and help with nightmares. So that dream has not returned but they have been creative and horrific since.

In one of them basically everyone I have ever cared about was dead, it was horrible. This in clouded my therapist.. I am not sure what or if to tell her about this. I am scared to tell he about it because some people can take it poorly when they die in my dreams. Sadly it is a very normal occurrence for me but not everyone takes well to being told that.

[Blueberry]

I also had a brave thing happen in therapy. I fully processed through one of my worst memories.

for being brave.  for fully processing one of your worst memories

[DecimalRocket]

Hi Elpha. I missed you. Good job on being able to process something like that, and sorry that you're still having nightmares. 

[Elphanigh]

Thank you Blueberry! It was definitely a moment to celebrate. A few months ago I wouldn't have been able to do that.

Decimal, I missed you as well. The nightmares will hopefully pass soon. My T and I are going to work on them

[sanmagic7]

you brought a smile to my heart, el, and so did you 3roses, so i'm sending earth mother spirit to wrap you up in her voluminous skirts to comfort you and hopefully bring you some peaceful sleep.  think of her watching over you, swatting bad dreams away because she knows there is nothing better than caring for someone dear.

love and a big hug.  i'll be on the porch tonight and i'd love company. 

[Elphanigh]

I will be certain to envision her protecting my sleep. I have only had one nightmare free night in the last ten days...it is completely exhausting. Hopefully the image of earth mother spirit will help to give some peaceful sleep.

My nightmares have been varied since therapy on Tuesday. This is one of the more difficult ones that is haunting me.

*trigger warning* death, violence, etc.. I will leave out the worst and just give vague ideas
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In this dream there were just massive heeps of bodies or ones hanging in this factory. Some of which were people I cared for. The bodies were mutilated and or completely undressed.  They were searching for some kind of cure I guess.

I ended up being chased by this man who could reanimate the dead bodies to attack me. Each time they would catch me something terrible would happen, or I would narrowly escape with some form of injury. It went on so long at the end I asked him to kill me, sat down, and curled up to face these five reanimated corpses and this twisted person... I watched them start to preserve my body with chemicals that burnt my skin, before I drown in this giant tank they put me.

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End trigger warning.

The in between begining and end of dream would rival any scary horror movie full of torture and suspense. It was bad so not included in the synopsis.  I die a lot in my own dreams, as do my loved ones.. including ones from here (at least what my dreams envision people to appear like) sorry if that is weird *sigh* I don’t create this knowingly. However, I don’t normally get bad enough where I ask to die. It was a new level of bad

Either way, I need peaceful rest sometime soon. It is hard to go without it for so long and continue to work as much as I am.

[sanmagic7]

sweetie, those nightmares sound dreadful.  i hope whatever your subconscious is wrestling with comes to a conclusion soon.

in the tarot, the death card can mean change - the death of one thing in order to make room for another.  i know that often we have to struggle, face our demons, battle to our limits in order to enable change at times.  maybe old versions of you are dying to make room for the new you that is emerging, the stronger, clearer, more confident you. 

just thoughts.  i find dreams fascinating.  i used to have terrible nightmares where i was so very mad at my sister, and would wake up terrified.  eventually, i figured out that my sister was representing my daughter, who i hadn't allowed myself to be mad at in real life cuz of her mental illnesses.  when i realized this, was able to finally place the anger where it belonged in my consciousness, my subconscious no longer had to sublimate my anger toward my daughter.

the nightmares stopped, and never came back.  our subconscious knows everything, but won't always put it out in a recognizable form until we're ready to deal with it on a conscious level.  may i suggest you keep looking at these symbols in your dreams from every angle possible.  perhaps you will ultimately recognize their true meaning, and be able to put both them and yourself to a restful sleep.

however, i hope you get some relief.  not being rested is so awful.  warm, loving hug to you, my dearest el. 

[Elphanigh]

They are truly dreadful, my dear. The ones before that we're based around the memory I worked through in therapy last week. Those were more real, and terrifying in that way, but these ones have just been awful and rather traumatic tbh.

Th tarot card idea seems wise. A lot is changing so maybe my subconscious is dealing with that in this way. I wish it would find other outlets for whatever is troubling it. A good night of sleep would be a great thing right about now.

Dreams are fascinating to me too, just hate that I have to deal with them so much. I have had nightmares as long as I can remember. When I was a kid they were just as bad and dreadful as they are now. They come in waves, but never fully stop and never have. I was on Prazosin for a time which really helped, but now that I can't take that there is nothing that truly helps them. It is frustrating.

I am truly glad yours stopped with that realization, and I hope one day I find that too. We have decided to work on these in therapy to see if we can get me to a peaceful sleep. It is hard to have my subconscious creating this many awful things at night. I am hoping to find some insight into why they have spiked yet again, sometimes I can make sense of them but these ones have been more difficult to get a handle on. It is one of the symptoms of my cptsd that I struggle with more fully still. I can cope and lessen most of the others, but these still kick my tail.

Thank you for the wishes for sleep. I am hopeful to get a couple of nights eventually. One night of good sleep isn't enough to help me truly catch up.

Big hug back. It is so good to have you here, dear friend. I missed you so much while you were away

[sanmagic7]

i missed you and your beautiful spirit as well, el.

i certainly hope you get some relief from those nightmares.  crimeny, yeah, you need and deserve sleep, the restful kind, the refreshing kind.  i wish i could take those terrible images away for you, just slap them away right in their ugly faces.  maybe that's too violent, but they are violating you, and sometimes there is no other way.

so very much hoping that thru therapy you will learn and know what they're about, and they will finally leave you alone.  all the best wishes for resolution for and healing from this.  you've suffered enough.  always love and warmth and comfort to you in a very caring hug.

[Elphanigh]

That response made me breathe a little deeper and relax my body just a bit more. Thank you,  for having this calmong affect on me.

It is good to know I am missed as well, I am truly glad you took the time you needed off though.

I liked the image of slapping them away honestly. They sre taking such a toll, and stealing away some of the only peaceful time I could get. My waking mind does not know much peace so having it taken from my sleep deserves some swatting away. 

Therapy last week gave me one night of peace from them, I have hopes to get that again tomorrow.

For some reason the line "you have suffered enough" truly hit home for me today. Something just resonated and truly struck me with that tonight. I have truly been through so much and deserve a bit of peace, away from all thr trauma. Being faced with nightmares, and my old narcissistic flute teacher this week is not peaceful. I am young and have time to find that peace but have been through more than a lot of people will ever see in their lifetimes.

I am finally abuse free but that has not guaranteed me any real peace.

[DecimalRocket]

Hi Elpha. 

I wouldn't just slap those nightmares for you. I'd kick them with the power of a decades long practiced martial arts sensei Then I'll punch them in the face with the strength of superman before they can find my kryptonite. Then I'd do a Kamekameha!!! from Dragon Ball Z and shoot them with the most deadly energy blast.

I'm doing this hardcore fight level 100,000,000,000,000!