Elpha's new adventure

[Elphanigh]

Deep Blue, thank you! Honestly I really feel like I will be able to hold my boundaries. I have a some plans with friends I haven't seen in a while that will keep me
from staying in that space all the time. I will also have my new niece to truly focus on. My one concern is my B's graduation as my M ruined both my HS and
college graduations making them about her so I know that could be triggering for me. I will keep it in mind and do lots of self care. I plan to bring my yoga mat
and art work with me to make sure I have me time.

It is really great to be reminded that if I struggle with those boundaries that everyone will clamour in as you have so brilliantly put it.

[Blueberry]

Here's hoping you have a great holiday Elpha!  It's so great you're taking props along like yoga mat and art work so you have me time. It's so important!

[Elphanigh]

Blueberry, I think my holiday will be great! I don't remember the last time I had more than two days in a row off. I have ended up with at least 9 days off which is amazing. I will really need to watch my boundaries with my foo, but since I am more a guest than anything else there is makes a large difference in the time I spend there.

My yoga mat and artwork is my bit of a safety net almost. I need time for me on my Vacation too, no telling when I will get the chance again"

Thank you for the well wishes!!

[sanmagic7]

enjoy enjoy enjoy.  so happy for you that you're able to go, be with your new niece for that time, and that you're prepared for self-care in so many ways.  i often, when i know there may be controversy of some sort, put up what i call a 'god shield' (i learned that from someone else) in front of me, and it's truly helped me to not feel so vulnerable, and to feel more protected from whatever might be coming at me.

so, best wishes.  i think it'll be great.  lots of love, big hug, can't wait to hear how it went.

[Elphanigh]

Thank you, San!! I am so excited for it. I just got off my last work shift and am soaking up the freedom  I have two phone interviews tomorrow but otherwise no work related stuff for ten days 

I love the idea of a shield, I will work on that visualization

[Elphanigh]

I had a large break through with my music playing tonight, both within the music itself and emotionally. Musically I had a great lesson, and fixed a section I was truly struggling with.

For me emotionally, I recognize that my musical and creative part is alive and well. It comes out in and around these lessons, I feel whole and good when it is there's. However, I know I am terrified of letting it come out and of letting myself feel that joy and wholeness. Like if I let myself feel it I will be in danger of it getting ripped away again. I don't think I would survive that pain a second time. I am finally stable and starting to move on with my life.. if I let it back in I know myself well enough to know that I will want that old dream again.

Tonight my current flute teacher told me that I had the talent and drive to be the symphony musician, I would just need to be prepared for that lifestyle and to truly practice everyday.  She is the first person that has ever told me that I had what it took to be a symphony musician. She told me that if I wanted it that I should do it. Hearing that means the world.

I have recognized that I am nervous she will do what E did. That her kind words will change like they did from E. That she says it but doesn't mean it, that these words will soon turn into me not being enough again. I can't trust her yet... I can't trust the good yet. 

I realize that I don't feel like I can know the difference between truth and lie when it comes to  my playing. That is crazy making, and certainly insecurity inducing

[Elphanigh]

Job interview went really well, I won't know until Friday. My apartment application is not done yet but everything on my end isn't good, we are just waiting for my roommates employer and we should be clear. Hopefully I can know about that by Friday too. On another upper note, I may have a car pretty quickly after I get back from vacation.

I leave my apartment for my plane I twelve hours from now. Before that I have a therapy session, dinner, and then a mass cleaning of my apartment. I am already a bit caffeine fueled today but that will need to continue. Early morning flights are great but leaving my apartment at about 3:30am is always an adventure!

I get to meet my niece tomorrow though!! I will also officially be somewhere I can do no actual work. Which is huge for me. I do plan to get a few things from my old house that I can burn when I get back as a symbol of truly moving into this new life. Whatever this new life brings I am committed to it. Committed to healing, growing, exploring and becoming myself more and more.

I am going to focus around my music today in session. I want to work on that because I want a clear vision for myself on this. It is a trauma and one that will affect every aspect of my life whether I want to believe that as true or not. It affects all of me because that art isn't part of who I am. It is like oxygen for me, I have just simply learned not to breathe so much. I don't know how I will move forward but I feel like this is what I want to heal as explore at the moment. I have spent time working on the violent traumas, and the sexual abuse, as well as my mom issues. However this particular trauma would give me a pnother coping mechanism if I could heal it. It is a trauma to my adult self as much as it is a trauma to my younger selves. I think that makes it more powerful at this moment.

So here's to exploring it tonight. Last nights realizations are large and I want to unpack them

[sanmagic7]

wow and wow again, dearest el.  all i can say is wow, because this is so huge on so many levels for you. 

the fact that you are questioning, are voicing your fears, are ready to tackle the trauma behind your playing speaks volumes, to my mind.  you go, girl!!!  symphony level, huh?  wowser bowser.  from the way you've spoken of your music, i don't doubt for a minute that's true.

the fact that your teacher warned you about the pitfalls of such a position (the schedule, the practice, etc. ) tells me that she has your best interests at heart.  it feels good to me.  rings true on a deep, deep level.

o honey, i'm so happy for you i could explode.  in fact, i will.       can't keep it in.  i think of all those bright, beautiful lights in the sky and i think of you.  dang, that's fabulous.  love and hugs, always, sweetie.

[Deep Blue]

Elpha,
I'm with San. So happy for you as well.  Super exciting to get to meet your niece too.  I love burning items from your old life.  You are incredible and I'm so proud of you 

[Elphanigh]

I am getting to read these after a very positive therapy session on the subject. I listed out a lot of the good that was said about my playing, and hearing truly only one real negative voice.. the abuse from E really overshadowed all the good I was ever told and made me question it. She made it impossible for me to believe the good. I fear that good is wrong or not trustworthy because of what I went through with E.

However my T made some beautiful points. I push through, got the degree, even getting a 3.68 gpa which is super high to begin with. Imagine what would have happened if I wasn't being regularly emotionally abused? She also said what she wants for me is me to have my dream. That she hopes through processing with her I can come to choose based on what I truly want, not based on the fears that surround the decision. That really struck a chord.

In session I realized that, it isn't that I don't want music it is that I am afraid. If I am honest, I want that career in music, I want to be that symphony player, and that college professor. I want that life. The passion I have held for music is truly unlike anything else, and I have never been able to make anything else feelthat way, although I have tried. I want that life still. I want to be immersed in that art and getting to take part in something so much larger than myself. I am just terrified to want it. I am terrified of believing I am enough.


San, thank you for the fireworks they mean the world to me. She thinks I could do it one day, and was surprised no one had ever told me that before. To tell me the ins and outs of that life and what it would take is great. It means she does truly want me to know what it would be like. You are right that shows that she has my best interest at heart. It is good to hear you feel that she is genuine here too. Lots of love to you ♥️

Deep Blue, it means a lot that you are proud of me. This is all a lot to take in and do so it is great to feel validated in that. I cannot wait to meet my niece soon. 

[Elphanigh]

Through security and just waiting for my first flight to board! Excited to have proper holiday and space to rest 

[Elphanigh]

My FOO is already chaotic and stressful.... so much for a peaceful vacation. Maybe it will get better.

Meeting my niece is a true treat though, could just cuddle with her all day and things melt away.

For now, my brother isn't graduating high school and hasnt been home since last night. Nor has he been heard from. My mom and sister have already contemplated whether or not he has gotten into drugs...

My D got home and M is already angry at him and making snide comments.

Then just the complete chaos and stress level that exudes from this place... my goodness. This is why I stay away and have my own life

[Deep Blue]

Oh Elpha,
I know it's not the vacation you were hoping for. Sending you support while you are there.  Some things never change I guess.  So sorry.  Keep holding that niece tight and I hope the craziness melts away as you embrace her.
Sending you love, support, and strength

Deep Blue

[Elphanigh]

Thank you, Deep Blue 

I always hope things have gotten better here and get dissapointed when they aren't. I know better. Holding my niece does truly help.

One day I will take a true vacation, one for just me.

[sanmagic7]

with you this entire time.  just so happy you get to be with your niece.  hope you can keep the focus on her as much as possible.

your session and your t sounded great.  i get the fears you have around wanting something so badly, and so afraid that it's out of your reach and you shouldn't be wanting it at all.  i have no doubt you'll be able to push thru eventually and live your dream, sweetie.  no doubt at all.

lovelovelove and hugs to you, your sis, and that sweet baby.