Elpha's new adventure

Started by Elphanigh, January 06, 2018, 10:15:20 PM

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Elphanigh

Hi Decimal  :hug:

That image was amazing. I also truly enjoy all the references from nerdy things  :cheer:

Hope67

Hi Elpha,  Just wanted to pop by and say 'hello' - it was tough not having the site for a while, and I missed people, and it's good to re-connect.   :hug: to you, if that's ok. 
Hope  :)

sanmagic7

d.r., pretty cool.  we'll double team them.

el, i didn't realize you were in touch with your flute teacher, too.  no wonder you're having nightmares!  that kind of thing sets my mind swirling, too.  ugh - too much.

hoping therapy helps again, and that you get more than one good night's sleep.  you beautiful, precious thing, you.  sending a warm loving hug filled with comfort and care.  and mounds and mounds of peaceful rest.

Elphanigh

Hope, thank you for stopping by. It is great to hear from you. Hugs are always okay  :hug:

San,

I am glad you and decimal can double team them. It makes me smile to know you both would defend me so much.

I did not intend to be in touch with her, nor am I truly in touch with her. While the forum was down (after some of the worst nightmares had happened on Wednesday night) she text, emailed, and called me. Over the course of three days I got three texts, four emails, four calls, and two voicemails from her. I have not answered and have no intentions of doing so but it added to the stress I was already dealing with... life knows how to throw me lots of challenges all at once. Likes to test my determination and gusto. I have to fight hard to choose a healing path everytime. She hasn't contacted me today or yesterday but it makes me nervous that she will. It brings back a fear that I hate having.

Thank you for always believing that I am beautiful and precious, it warms my heart. My therapy session is in an hour and I am a bit anxious about it tbh. I am hoping for peaceful rest tonight.

Sending lots of love and warmth your way too

sanmagic7

and i will stand between you and her so her vibes can no longer reach you.  how awful for you, sweetie.  that's just not right.  in fact, it sounds downright intrusive to me.  i'm glad you can resist her.  i'm not very fond of her at this moment (an understatement, if you get what i mean) for causing you such distress.

surrounding you with love and care, the strongest resistance i know of.  always.  big hug.

Elphanigh

Thank you, having that buffer between her and I is so wonderful. I can't explain exactly what that means at this exact moment. I will post in a bit when I have words for what I am juggling right now.

Elphanigh

I will more fully post here now that I have more words for what it is I am dealing with in my mind. Session was good today, but also very rough in what it brought up.

*Trigger warning* sexual/physical/emotional abuse
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The weight of all of it is more than I can hold by myself for very long. I hold pieces of it all the time, that never goes away. However, I don't often hold the entirety of it for this reason. Sometimes it happens though and I have to process and handle it when it does

I hold the weight of so many peoples horrible, hateful decisions. The weight of multiple thousands of instances of physical/sexual abuse, not to mention the other forms of less obvious abuse that helped lead to that.

I carry the weight of a family that didn't care enough, that made me the caretaker. I carry the weight of a girl that was in charge of everyone's well being and safety, but who was never given safety of her own. I have always carried that,  and have only continued to experience things that added to it.

It is a weight that should have completely crushed me but didn't. That still threatens to do so sometimes. When I think about all of it, when I let myself look at just the large amount that I went through. Carrying the knowledge that it is more than 2500- 3000, and that is a low ball..

Sitting with all of this on me is crushing and saddening, it sent me into s panic attack/semi-flashback like mode. I am stronger now and managed to breathe through to calm myself faster. It has taken a great deal of work to get to where i can even sit with it this much.

It is hard to know the terror of this all, to try to comprehend that this is actually my truth. I know it is but it is so hard to fathom sometimes. I know my body had had enough years that the cells in it no longer carry the abuse, but my body endured more than is truly comprehendable, even by me who experienced it. My mind took on that and even more.

I hold the weight of more abuse and suffering than I think I can ever fully describe.  :fallingbricks:

Three Roses

No words.  :hug: Just one simple hug, free of conditions, obligation and caretaking. A hug of camaraderie and shared knowledge, a promise to never judge or reject.

Sceal

It's too much for one person to carry all on it's own. And it should never have happened.  I hope that by finding words to describe it, it'll ease the current pain a little. Just a big, big safe and warm hug to you, if you want one! :hug:

Elphanigh

Three Roses,  :hug: :hug: thank you for that.

Sceal, the words helped eventually. Getting to share them I think helped me rest last night, finally finding some peace.

Elphanigh

I came back to read my post with fresh eyes today. Last night the weight of my truth was crushing and impossible to hold. Today I feel less of that. It is heavy and hard but I know that I have help in so many ways now. I am also so much stronger than I used to be.

There were some good moments in session yesterday. I did tell my T that she had died in my nightmare and she reacted very well.  It eased my worries about that a lot. We also discussed some of why the dreams are probably there which at least makes sense of them, even if it doesn't make them go away.

I also said the words "it's unfair, i didn't deserve any of it, I didn't do anything to cause it. It wasn't my fault, but now I have to be the one to deal with it all. I don't think that is fair or right"
As anyone reading my stuff the kast six months knows i couldn't have said that and meant it six months ago, and even truly 2 months ago. That is major progress for me.

Even though sitting with the entirety of it caused me to struggle last night there were such signs of progress in it. I think I deserve to see those signs too.

I am doing a lot of self care today and begining to give myself the love and compassion I deserved. I believe my truth, and believe in the girl that survived so much. I didn't just stop and accept defeat, I fought hard and succeeded in many ways despite all that I was put through. Recovery feels like going through another layer of this and I will succeed again, despite all that thr world has and does still throw at me.

You are all such an inspiration to me, I have learned so much about kindness to myself. You have taught me about kindness other people can show me as well, that it is possible for other people to care for me and not want anything from me. That it is possible to know me for who I am and what I have been through and not run away or think less of me.  Thank you for being constant support and inspiration.


Three Roses

QuoteI didn't just stop and accept defeat, I fought hard and succeeded in many ways despite all that I was put through.

You did! You really, really did.  :cheer:

Elphanigh

#42
 :hug: :hug: lots of hugs if that is okay. It is good to hear someone agree with that.  I have fought all my life to succeed despite everything,  it feels nice to recognize that. I am choosing to heal at 23, to intentionally go after this with everything I have. I got my degree, and am working towards going for my next one. I have ended a horrible cycle and somehow managed to excel in school, music, and work. I don’t always recognize that because of the struggles

Sceal

It is wonderful to read that you are choosing to heal. To go after a better life!
I'll stand in the internet background and cheer you on! :cheer: :cheer:

Elphanigh