Elpha's new adventure

[Elphanigh]

Hope, I really appreciate all the well wishes. 

[sanmagic7]

sending love and hugs as you get your head together, so to speak.  that was supposed to be kinda funny, but if you didn't appreciate it as gentle humor, please ignore it.  i certainly don't mean to hurt you.  love you too much for that.

[Elphanigh]

I did take it as slight humor, thank you for that my dear  Honestly not sure you could ever hurt me, as you have bever been anything but kind and genuine towards me. I have been extremely grateful to have you in my life for this past year and some months 

Love you bunches

[Deep Blue]

  to you sweetie,
I want to say more, but I don't have words today.  Much love to you

[Elphanigh]

Thank you for sending  I understand not having words

[Sceal]

Sending you some warm thoughts. Hope for a speedy recovery!

[Elphanigh]

I don't know how to describe my session today yet, but am forever grateful for my therapist who always has compassion and new insight to share.  Today was particularly powerful, we went over a lot of new things, and I feel like I got sooo much out into the open. There has been so much in the background of my life that I hadn't realized was causing me so much distress. I have given so much to process in the future and started to sit with some really big feelings and adjustments.


Either way, I have been fluctuating between fight and flight since I hit my head almost two weeks ago. Essentially going from way over functioning and way under functioning. Both sides of a trauma response just opposite. It explains so much about the way I have been struggling and feeling. She gave me some new ideas to help get myself out of that cycle. I feel like the emdr helped start that as we did some emdr on stuff that was coming up. I was proud of myself because I listened and didn't force what emotions I thought should be coming up to be what happened. I allowed myself to settle and recognize a sadness that was underlying the panic that I truly didn't expect to be there. Instead of ignoring it, I brought it up to my T. We dug into it and oh my goodness there is a whole land of things that my mind has swirling around in that layer. Things that are difficult but show progress made, and my t is good about pointing them out thank goodness. She is good st the positive light when I am struggling with it. More to come on those emotions but it is a big shift from the girl that blamed herself for the whole world, to a girl that realizes how she really had no control in the situation and has no control over s great deal of things right now. That I couldn't have stopped the tradgic parts of my life, and I can't stop the ones that are occurring now to me or people I love. There are some things I can change but I am seeing all the things I had no power to alter and that is extremely difficult to shift to.

I didn't realize I had made the shift, it just started coming out as I was talking and my t pointed out the change in language and view. This process is truly sour me finding my way with her nudges in the right direction and her added compassion. There was so much I spewed about wanting to be a lemon to change the things I witnessed.... that I tried so hard to make it better or to prevent bad things etc... and I truly had no way to fix them. That goodness I wish I could just change one thing, to be able to shape something.. and how frustrating it is that the bad things ever stopped happening. My t validated that and validated just how much I had witnessed and been through. That I deserved multiple decades of peace, whereas I had just wished for like two weeks.

We had an interesting talk about spirituality toward the end, it was something that had kind of come up before but not in any length. This was okay as I have been seeing her for over a year now. It felt like a natural discussion and useful for the therapeutic process/relationship. Lots to ponder there too.

That was more than I thought I would say but there is a lot of moving pieces and so much trauma to process at this moment. I need to rest though. Small chunks.

Will be going to sunrise yoga before work tomorrow. Need the sleep definitely

[sanmagic7]

 

love you, you courageous sweetheart you.   

[Elphanigh]

Lots of love to you to my dear. Thank you for reminding me of my own courage this morning. Yoga helped but it means the world to hear just a simple phrase.

[Deep Blue]

In typical Elpha fashion, you have shown me the light again.

I've been depersonalized for about 2 days.  Your strength gives me strength. Thanks for all you are 

Deep Blue

[Elphanigh]

Deep Blue, you have made my day. It amazes me I can be a light to anyone, and for it to be considered typical is beyond me  I feel like I am just sharing swirling thoughts in my mind as being open through recovery has been a major tool to me. I am forever grateful that it can help anyone else.

Sending strength and compassion your way 

[sanmagic7]

i agree with deep blue.  it is typical of you to shine that light so others may see, even while (or because of) 'simply' sharing your own struggles, thoughts, and revelations.  your resolute determination to become free and clear of the horrible tethers to your past is a shining inspiration.  you just don't give up, and what you've done, how far you've come in even the past 6 mos. is astounding.

thank you for being you.  you give me hope for a better future, even at my age.  love you to bits, sweetie.

[Elphanigh]

You have both made my day. Hearing things like that truly help keep me determined to do all of this. I am not sure what would be without all the kindness and guidance of people here. I am a fighter and resiliant to my own fault, but that onlt does so much. Without the kind voices and reassurance of what I am doing it wouldn't be happening at the same rapid rate. Community is truly a part of my healing more than I ever imagined it would me.

I am glad I can add any hope to people here by just being me. By sharing openly my journey with nothing really hidden. It is just me trying to make sense of all of these the best I know how, with the same passion and fire that got me to this point in life. I forget how far I have come because I see how far I need to go. I see what lies ahead more than I see what os behind and sometimes I need that perspective. Thank you for always giving that to me.

I am glad to be an inspirstion of hope for the future. Even when my own hope wavers.

Love you so much my dear friend

[Elphanigh]

My cptsd feels debilitating today  I might have to leave my new job, and go back to one of my old ones for a time. I don't want to do that but this new one is causing my anxiety to spike so much. Having had a full fledged panic attack this morning that lasted multiple hours  because of the idea of going into my office, I have to contemplate its affect on my mental health. I am not making decisions now because doing so after a panic attack is not wise. Not exactly the most mentally clear that I will ever be.

I hate my anxiety that is attached to my Cptsd so much... it limits what I can do in a lot of ways. I haven't had this full fledged of a panic attack in multiple months, I hate that it comes back with such ease into my life. That I can still feel frozen, unsafe, like I can't breathe and like my heart is going to beat out of my chest.  While also having my whole body shake and feel nauseous... to feel frozen in that state and know what could help but either not be able to move or get it, or for it to not work effectively. I have the tools but it is not something that is always within my reach, especially when I wake up in this state. When it last multiple hours and I just have to try to ride it out or pray to get someone on the phone, which I did eventually manage.

I hate the fight, I keep looking for peace but managing to get myself into situations that make me have to fight like crazy to just get by.... trying to change my life and finding myself in the same cycle 

I haven't managed to decide leaving my covers is a good thing. I will be hiding for a while 

[Blueberry]

Oh Elpha    I understand so much of that unfortunately, the cptsd feeling so debilitating and affecting work performance so badly. Wishing you enough time to make the best decision for you in this regard.