Elpha's new adventure

[Elphanigh]

I haven't been able to respond as much to others posts in the last several days, because I have had too much swirling in my own brain to even truly post for myself. Think I am on an uphill afternoon last night but we will see. This beast is truly a difficult one to handle sometimes, and I find myself wishing more and more I could just be normal... that isn't a particularly helpful mindset so I am working to be more patient and reframe it.

I hit a lot of things in therapy last night, and got really overwhelmed after session. Small emotional flashback turned into more of a traditional flashback which hasn't happened in a while. Instead of one image it was a group of them that rotated as I was trying to shove them back so I could get home. I hope for a day that I don't have these happening so frequently or with so much strength to them.

I took the night off so I can come home and recover. No one would cover my morning, but st least my night is covered. Self care to take a bit of time off, whether or not it is entirely wise.

I talked openly about being angry and wishing that there was some sense of remorse or consequences for my abusers, but that there never will be... that for the first time I truly wish there was. I wish that they couldn't just go on living normal lives while I feel like my life is on pause because of them. With that I addressed the nightmares I had about murdering a few people, it was good to address them in a place where I could figure out more of the source of them. But also difficult to kind of relive them.

Then about being afraid my S is going to remember when she has her baby. Sometimes people begin to remember when they have kids, and I am terrified of her remebering. Of her opening that wound, cutting me off, talking to our M etc... worried if she does remember and comes to me instead. Not knowing what to say or do as I wouldn't blame her if she blamed me for what she went through. I protected her for years, but likely she never saw that and would only remember the times I failed her. So here I am afraid to have myself outed essentially. My T pointed out that it may not be the worst thing in the world for my parents to have to deal with the fact they didn't protect me, and to have to recognize that I have been carrying so much by myself for as long as I can remember. If one day I feel like that will be helpful I wold tell them, but at the moment the possible emotional backlash is not at all something I need or old handle. Maybe one day though.

Touched on some body dysmorphia that I have, because I feel the need to drop weight and really by anyone standards don't need to. I am a whole 145 and a size 6 or 8 depending... so not really a need by health standards but for me it is hard to be as big as I am. It was good to finally talk to her about some of those beliefs.

Then a coworker of mine that came to work to work drunk and was hanging on me. I definitely froze and then fawned.. two of my big four F responses. She pointed out that even sheprobably would have been caught off guard so I did not need to feel so frustrated with myself.

Anyways, here I am with a ton to process and very little mental capacity after last nights events. Those images still haunt the back of my head a bit. It is a thin line I will ride today.... sometimes I feel like I have made such progress and other times it feels like I am making none...

[sanmagic7]

you are definitely making progress, sweetest el.  there is no doubt in my mind - the way you handled yourself last nite, getting yourself home to a safe place was truly magnificent.  i doubt you'd have been able to do that 6 mos. ago.  you brave, beautiful thing, you.

i'm really glad you took some time off work to just let yourself be with all this.  the kinds of things you mentioned are huge, to be sure.  whether your sis remembers or not is something you can't control.  the fact that there is no justice for our abusers is also, sad to say, beyond our control.  the idea of your protectiveness over your sis, well, we know you did that, you know you did that, and you can be assured in your mind that it is a symbol of the goodness in your heart that makes up so much of you.

i hate the idea that our abusers get off scot free and it still bugs me even tho i want to let it go.  it's such a huge injustice in our lives that we have to live with.  i think i'm most upset about that fact almost more than any other.   

take care of yourself, sweetie, as best you can.  sending a hug filled with love, peace, care, and some soothing balm for your troubled mind. 

[Elphanigh]

Thank you, dear. I need to be reminded of my progress sometimes, in the moment it feels like such regression.

Taking off time was probably wise. I am very antsy as I am about to go into my lunch shift, hopefully it will be calm. I need it to be. I am sitting with a lot of large issues, that alk got touched on but aren't at all settled. You are right that both of those things are out of our control, which is frustrating. If I wver wanted I could press charges but I will never do so. It isnt worth the backlash. 

As for my sister i can't  control her remembering out she ever does. I do hope that she sees the goodness in me like yot and so many other people see.  I did wish for people tosee that part of my heart, not some of the less lovable bits.

I will do all that I can for myself today. For now that means a warm drink before going into work, and just hoping for a short day

[Elphanigh]

I find that I feel bad for leaning so much on people. I need to sometimes, that is such a human thing but I recognize that it means my past affects the people I love too. Not just me, because I automatically come with it. If I care enough about a person at some point my past will affect them, whether or not I want it to.

It is probably part of what I was feeling last night. Knowing that my past becomes a burden to people I care about and let in.. even to people that don't know it is the case

[Elphanigh]

I did a huge, brave thing today!!! I finally talked to one of my bosses about me having cptsd. She has just gotten back from a big training and I wanted to say something before she went but was too scared. I couldn't talk to the two male managers I have because I didn't feel safe with them,  especially since one of them regularly triggers me (he is well intentioned with a big heart). So the female manager reacted very well. Saying she had worked with other people with cptsd or ptsd. She had ideas of how to be helpful already. I needed to have someone that knew and could have my back, I needed it months ago but was so scared that someone would look at me differentlt. She was the exact opposite. Asked if she could hug me because she and I were close as servers before she became a manager. She was sp afraid I was leavinf because I told her I wanted to talk, and she wants to help me talk to the triggering manager next week.

So long story short, I was brave and shared. Hopefully making my work enviroment less stressful and more healthy for me. Next weeks convo will be a hard one but I feel like she has my back now.

[sanmagic7]

wow.  just wow.  look at you.  i'm so so so very glad that turned out well for you.  very brave, indeed.

i think i mentioned on another thread that when we care about another person, the pos. and neg. comes with that - the support, the worry, the vicarious pain, but also the pleasure of being near them (even in cyber space), being happy for their accomplishments, knowing that they're well and safe.

it's part of a relationship, a two-way street.  even here, we have choices to read, respond, get involved with at some level with others.  it's always a choice.  we don't have to become involved, but the pos. to me far outweigh the neg.  it's why i stay close to this forum - sure, i hate knowing that people i care about are in pain or suffering, but so very glad when their day goes well or they accomplish a goal, stand up for themselves, or even just enjoy their day.

it's all worth it, or i wouldn't be here anymore.  you don't have to feel bad about it - this is something we want to do, pos. and neg.  does that make sense?  love and a big hug, el, no matter what you're going thru.

[Elphanigh]

Thank you, San. It was a giagantic thing for me. I am nervous for talking to my other boss early next week. I have the female ones support on it, but it isn't a nerve wracking thing to do. For now, just need to celebrate that the first one went well.

I love how you phrased all of that, thank you. It is good to hear all of that's and kind of put it in perspective. I make those decisions all the time, so I shouldn't be worried about someone else doing the same.

Loving hug right back 

[Blueberry]

I did a huge, brave thing today!!! I finally talked to one of my bosses about me having cptsd.

So long story short, I was brave and shared. Hopefully making my work enviroment less stressful and more healthy for me.

[Elphanigh]

 Thank you for celebrating that, blueberry.   Really appreciate all the encouragement and wonderful words I received here.

I have had to do a lot of care for my younger self today because of this. I know it is progress but even in that progress it seems has a step back.  I think I royally freaked out my littles. Something like that is still very scary to them  because when I said anything back then I was berated or ignored. No one believed in helping me. Going and being vulnerable even for those few minutes was difficult for adult me and even more so for them.  I brought back a lot of feelings of needing comfort and needing to know it all be okay. Part of me that wanted a better mom a parent that would save me, or even a teacher or mentor to come and save me.

I know that’s not what I’m doing here with the work thing. I’m taking charge and doing what I need for adult me but it definitely stirs up a lot for younger versions of me. I sat and did some ego state work today after I had kind of settled down from the conversation I had. There are parts of me that hold such sadness right now, I just sat and cried with them for a bit. I’ve been trying to find the nurturing self that I give to everyone else and turn it inward. It’s still a large work in progress. Honestly, I’m not sure I’ll ever be very good at it but at least I’m trying.

I feel like I’ve been a huge mix of emotions for a week now and certainly for the last couple of days. Processing through anger and hatred, but at the same time recognizing just deep sadness and grief within myself too. Grief over it not being saved and all the things that should have been had I been given healthy adults in my life. There’s a sadness that comes from knowing  that people enough to save me and didn’t. But because I was the perfect student with straight A’s, was overly involved, leadership roles and everything, and otherwise appeared to be the perfect teenager or even gradeschool students. No one found it worth risking the loss of that. Knowing that all the things I could do for other people  was worth more than who actually was as a person is saddening.

I just wanted to be saved and I tried to be perfect to be worth saving but because I  looked so perfect on the outside no one wanted to risk saving me. It wasn’t worth ruining their test scores, or perfect little image of what I was to  everyone around me. Everyone had something to gain from me so no one could help me. I helped them, made them look good, even saved a few lives that was  not enough. My life wasn’t important enough to them, my well-being was not enough. For that I am sad .

My Littles hurt a lot tonight, even adult me hurts a lot tonight. I see so much progress in some of the things I am doing, but it means I’m facing more of the bad witch just brings a lot of hurt. This journey is important and enlightening  but it is sometimes the most painful thing I’ve ever experienced.

[sanmagic7]

i definitely agree with you, el, that this is the most painful of journeys.  i'm not surprised you're all roiled around inside - it really has been a roller coaster week for you and your littles.  i think you're doing a really great job with them, and with yourself.  you're taking back your power that was stolen from you so long ago.  that deserves grieving.

this is such hard work at times, but i admire your strength and courage in tackling it, allowing your vulnerability (that takes so much courage), and doing all these things that are so important to your progress and recovery.   you're an inspiration, el, and that shining light of yours just keeps getting brighter and brighter.

warm, loving hug, sweetie.

[Elphanigh]

I am so glad I came here during my lunch break. Reading this helps me feel better about still being scattered and emotional. I can function at work today but there is a lot underlying things today.

It is great to have validation thst this journey is in fact painful.  I feel like I am putting myself back through the * went through everyday, all in the name of one day being better or healed. Hard to keep my head up through it all sometimes. 

I am trying my best, and hope that i can be that inspiration to some. I forget that I can be sometimes, because I get so caught up in the ways I struggle. Forgetting that I am doing more than struggling. I am claiming back so much, and learning who I am all at once. Recovery at an age when I am just figuring out life is more than I bargained for but i am glad I am doing it most days.

[Elphanigh]

My nightmare last night was particularly strong again. However, this time after I had gone back to sleep and woken up for the day I could see some power in the way my mind I shaping them. It was scary as one of my abusers had a knife and a new friend. Swinging it around to hurt me and my S. We were in this place that had elements of a lot of places I have been/ seen. It was alluded to that he had already raped me and was as after my S.

This dream doesn't follow the line of my memory anymore though. I managed to keep the knife and him away from her. I also managed to get help (via cell phone). I scared my abuser and his friend away. I saved her and me from getting cut or worse. I woke up before the help got there but I know getting a hold of them worked, as my abuser realized it and left.

The first time I woke up I was terrified and jumpy. I turned on a light, made some tea, and walked around my apartment a bit before going back to sleep. The dreams that follow that memories outline are always really horrible for me. The one where I protect her physically but don't succeed. I have nightmares and always have that follow that's outline. Many details changed. For example, the knife, friend, and age are all different in this one. But the basic outline is there... and the tree.. the tree is always there.

However the second time I woke up, I realized I saved her and me in this one. I reached out for help and became strong enough to defeat him. Knowing I had help was enough to defeat him, and save us. I would say the meaning in this dream is pretty clear. I have been so productive this morning, and feeling more powerful than I have in quite a while because of it.

It was terrifying but there is power in it. I think my subconscious realizes I am truly claiming some of my power back. That I am truly beginning to heal. In amongst the craziness that this month has held it is a relief to get a sense of that.

[Blueberry]

That sounds really strong and powerful. Your subconscious is changing the outcome and in doing so is re-writing that almost indelible message of 'victim overcome by abuser / no escape' imo. Does that make sense? Or would you interpret differently? Feel free to disagree, it is your dream after all. But that's what occurs to me.

Message is almost indelible but not quite! We can change it through work, and you seem to be doing so. 

[Elphanigh]

That is definitely what I have come to see it as too. I am glad this work does seem to be paying off 

[sanmagic7]

yay for you, sweetie.  i've loved having those dreams where i finally stand up to my abuser(s).  sometimes i've even become physically violent in real life - that was pretty trippy, but it did feel empowering.  hugs.