Elpha's new adventure

[Deep Blue]

Good luck Elphanigh. Hope the job shadow goes well

[Elphanigh]

Deep Blue, thank you this wasn't the job for me, but I did get out of there to find two emails for interviews so I will have some soon again it seems. I will find a normal routine soon

[Deep Blue]

I hope that one of the others have what you are looking for.  Strength to you 

[Elphanigh]

I am grateful for all of the strength  thank you for being here

[Elphanigh]

I am not real sure how to post about all of this but I want to put some of it down in words. This may be a bit disjointed and lengthy but that is fitting of this roller coaster of a week. 


My session on tuesday helped shed light on a great deal of things for me. I have been struggling, going from highs to complete rock bottom lows. Life has had a lot of major events and it really wears on me. I found that I still struggle a lot more with my sister having my niece without me there than I thought. I have been so elated to have a niece, and to see pictures of this precious child. However, I have this bit of me that wants to keep my FOO from ever seeing her, to tell both of my parents to stay away from that child because I don't want her to turn out like me. I don't want them to cause her any harm, and part of me is terrified that they will. I know my sister is strong and stubborn (maybe even more stubborn than me) but she is living with my parents for the moment and it scares me to have the baby in that house, near people that were beyond toxic for me. I hadn't fully come to terms that a part of me feels so strongly about it, that a part of me is driven to protect my niece the same way I was driven to protect my sister. It feels like she is an extension of her. Seeing them both in person next week will likely help. I will get to be with them for almost a full week, which is enough for me to get a sense that she is safe. I know logically she is, and that my family is much better than it used to be. I know logically I was scapegoated and the one all of those abusive tendencies fell on most. That my CSA and CPA will not happen to her because the people that did that are gone and because my sister pays far more attention than my parents ever did to me.


Flute... now that is another heartbreak entirely. Friday night showed me my emotions for that, and my session did even more so. I have played today without the full fallout, I have a physical reaction that I know comes from the underlying emotion but it is manageable and I understand why it is there now. My T said that "this is an improvement, it may not feel like it is. You are playing which you weren't, and you are feeling emotions for it. There for a while you weren't feeling at all about it. Those emotions may feel awful but they are an improvement." I am trying to see this as truth. I have never sat as fully with these emotions, never felt that despair so deeply. Everytime I come back to this subject the emotions get stronger, like my subconcious is slowly allowing myself to believe it is safe to feel them.

The despair is one that I have never felt so intensely. It aches down to my core and it consumes me if I am not careful. I almost cried in session yesterday, I still havent cried in my T's office nearly a year after seeing her for the first time. I have gotten close many times, none as close as yesterday. She knows this, and has told me that it is safe and okay in that office but that she understands it may not feel safe to parts of me yet. Part of my soul and heart were ripped up, dragged through the mud, and probably through a wood chipper too. That is how it feels. Trying to put that back together feels impossible sometimes. Feels like looking as "everything I will never get to do or feel again" Those were the words I used to my T, I think. 

I found anger too, and feelings of betrayal and abandonment.  This is a trauma to my adult self as well as my younger parts, which makes it different to deal with. Because I can't always feel like my adult self the younger parts of me just come at me like a wall of emotions rather than things I can distinguish between. That is getting a bit easier to try to do but I have a long way to go. I expressed the most productive anger I have ever expressed in session yesterday. I don't believe I have ever expressed that much anger before, and certainly not aloud to another person. Getting to use EMDR to process that really let me tap into it without hesitation, I just let the words happen and the feelings sit in my body in a productive way. Anger is such an active emotion, unlike despair, it creates movement and energy. It creates a more present adult self, and helps me to feel less stuck.

I did recognize that I had issues with the rest of the music department too. There is a great amount of things that could have been done and no one ever did do them. People that were otherwise in my corner ignored it because E was too much of an issue to tackle. My health didn't matter in that case, only that I was playing and being successful. My mental/physical health was never important enough to them and at the time wasn't to me because I was in survival mode. I came to college as a place that finally made me free, where I could feel light and abuse free, I had that for a few months and then everything crashed. So there I was back into the pain and abuse. I was back into a space where adults and mentors weren't doing their jobs for me, they were shying away because I seemed okay enough. I was back into a space where my list of adults that didn't do anything to rescue me grew. That place created more of a list of people that expressed that they cared but would never do anything more than that for me. I was again, only my academic and musical aptitude. That both feels like abandonment and also produces anger.

It produces regret because I had offers from other schools that may have been healthier for me. Places that might have nurtured me and I could have flourished. I could have been the most talented musician in the department if I was just taught in a way that did not turn into more of the same abusive roller coaster. More of the crazy making that was like my FOO. I was the golden child/ flute prodigdy in front of others, but behind closed doors in or in messages etc I could never be enough. She would be surprised "if I ever actually completed my full recital" Like I was a charity case... but in front of others I was a beautiful player that worked harder than anyone... to them all she could say was good.. but to me I was never enough, I never worked enough or blew enough, I would never make it anywhere... If that isn't a crazy making roller coaster I don't know what is. I recognize that I have no idea what the truth was. I have no real idea if I am any good because of it.



This stuff is just powerful and painful. I do still feel like the success of last week's session stands. There is more but I know this has been super long. So going to end it here and hope it has helped process bits of this

[Deep Blue]

Elphanigh,
This journal is not rambling.  It makes perfect sense to me.  Another member of the forum said this to me and is a quote I have kept close to my heart.  The vilest predators are attracted to the brightest lights.  I suspect you are a wonderful flute player.  I suspect listening to you would give me goosebumps.  Busy and crazy few days for you so I'm just sending you some love, compassion and support
Deep Blue

[Elphanigh]

Deep Blue, I am really glad you understand it and that it isn't a ramble. I love that quote, thank you for it. It makes me think a little better of myself just in that moment. Maybe one day I will find a way to share music here, and let you hear it.

[Elphanigh]

I am finding that yoga has become a huge healing tool for me. I went to a yin class last night which is a slowed down class, we hold poses for long periods of time so we can sink into them. The whole thing is basically treated as a massive hour and a half long meditation that taps into the body and the grounding aspects of it. It quiets the mind and body a lot.

Last night in one of the poses I had a glimpse of a memory, one I am not honestly sure I have ever remembered. It feel like it was something I was really dissociated for, and the memory felt like it was kind of in my subconscious. Something I hadn't ever gotten the chance to remember until my mind was entirely still. I can't fully get access to the memory but it is kind of there.

*trigger warning*

I laid in a supported savasana and found myself remembering something similar from when I was younger. I could see a man standing above me, I can't tell who it is, and just felt the sense that I had been trying to not feel it. I was laid in a similar way to that pose but the memory felt like I had completely disconnected from the world, numbed out to what the man above me was doing. I am not sure if that is because my subconscious isn't letting me feel all of it, or if I did jus truly block it out and not feel anything at that time.


End warning,


I want to go back to the memory and see what I can find but I don't want to force it, especially with my work week starting today.

[Elphanigh]

I feel like I have written in here a lot the last day or two... I think it is just the mass of everything processing in my mind. It is good but it means I need more of an outlet than usual. I am moving (waiting to hear back on our application), I am finally getting job interviews and soon one of them will be the fit that I am looking for. I am headed to my family home in six days to meet my niece and see my brother graduate high school. I will also try to see my old house before it is sold and I never have the chance to part with it.

Every time I go back to that place it feels less like home. I have always known it was not where I belong, and now is no different but now there is a niece and such in the picture. I am not in school and not really working any sort of dream job. But right now I am where I need to be to heal, that is my purpose right now. Everything is built around healing and finding myself right now. Sometimes I feel like that is a bad focus but it is what I have right now. It is a selfish focus, and not traditionally productive but it is what is good for me right now. It does likely mean I am not applying for graduate schools this year, it likely means that I will do a lot more soul searching before I find what it is I am meant to be doing.

Healing is important but I feel a little lost sometimes. It has taken my focus and energy. I spend my downtime doing yoga, reading articles, and helping my inner child. I don't spend it school researching or driving towards goals. It is something I am trying to accept as good and healthy right now.

[sanmagic7]

personally, el, i don't know that there is a more important goal to be working toward than healing ourselves.  and, it is work - tough, difficult, roller coaster, draining, wearing, exhausting work that is often not tangible, but that doesn't mean it isn't real.

i've always loved what dumbledore said to harry (if you're familiar with the harry potter stories) when harry asked 'is this all in my head?' and dumbledore answered 'yes, but that doesn't mean it isn't real.'  what is truth and life but a myriad of perceptions, perspectives, thoughts, opinions, emotions, etc?  they're all in our heads, but they're all very real.

what you are doing with your life, focusing and concentrating on resolving past issues that interfere with having a happy, healthy you, is very self-ish (rather than selfish), and it needs to be.  if we don't know ourselves, how can we know anything about what's in our mind, what our truths are, and ultimately, what is real for us. 

all those realizations around your flute-playing, the knowledge of what others did or did not do for/to you, are helping you recognize what is truly beneficial for you and what is not.  what a grand concept!  that's what gives you the knowledge, armor, and ammunition to make sure it doesn't happen again.  you were cheated and betrayed by the very people who should have been helping you continue to grow into your potential.

once again, they didn't break you.  maybe bent you over for a bit, but not broken.  and i agree with your t that being able to recognize and feel those very deep and dark emotions is absolute progress.  they've been there, and you're now more ready to have them surface.  they're awful, they're in your mind, and they're very real.  lots of courage showing to acknowledge and be with them.  they'll eventually pass by doing this, and then you'll be free of them.  finally.

as for your niece, have you talked to your sis about what's happened, about your fears?  yeah, you're feeling protective, and i think that's valid.  maybe some of the abusers are gone, but foo enabled all that happened at the very least.   i don't know if your sis is ready to talk about it, but maybe you could tentatively bring up a little about your fear, see how she responds.  small steps.

in the meantime, i love that mama bear spirit, and i don't doubt some of what you're afraid of will be allayed with your visit.  i'm really happy for you that you'll get to spend a bit of time with them.  very cool.  you're so very precious.   love you, and sending a big hug full of warmth, caring, and eventual relief.

[Elphanigh]

San, it is great to hear some reassuring words about this being my goal. All those words describe this journey so perfectly 

As far as Harry Potter goes, I grew up with a nose in a book. I am proudly a Ravenclaw and always will be. I learned so much about life for those stories. Thank you for reminding me of those beautiful words.

Self-ish makes it look and sound better in my head, I appreciate that. It is something I have to do so I can figure out what makes me happy and who I truly am, no longer surrounded by manipulative and toxic people.

The realizations are huge, I am hopeful it means that I won't ever go through something like that again. That I will now know what true nurturing and good teaching feels like. I will know good/healthy people from the bad ones. I will also now know that I don't want to stay in places like I was in before just to complete a career goal.

They didn't break me, but they have certainly made me feel broken. I hope that sitting within all these emotions does truly help me get past them. I want to one day not feel like this, and to be able to play with just joy. I also want to trust that I will find something equally as beautiful for my life. I am glad you agree with my T, always good to have validation on this. My subconscious is really allowing s ton to surface recently, I am managing but goodness it is a lot.

I haven't talk to my sister about it, and not sure I ever will. I still live in a part of my life that hopes she doesn't remember most of it.  I know she knows my parents fought, and that was toxic but that is all I know she understood. I don't have any idea if she knows about the sexual or physical abuse, matter of fact I am scared that the pregnancy will help her remember. Sometimes that happens when women have kids.... I don't want her to remember, I don't want her to blame me. It terrifies me.

I have inquired a little about how my FOO is now, and what life is like for her around the house. Just a little sisterly talked but nothing around the words abuse, neglect etc... I don't think I could ever directly have that conversation with her. I dug a little bit once to see what she would say but nothing came up in that.

I have a large mama bear spirit, always have. It is a part of me naturally. I am hoping being there will clear this up some. It will be great to spend some time with them, hard to be with the rest of my foo, but great to be with my sister and niece.

Love to you 

[DecimalRocket]

Awwww, Elpha. I think you're doing great. You have a beautiful love of music and a beautiful love for others. While it's important to be self-ish like San says for yourself, caring for yourself can allow you to care for others better. The Western world thinks of productive as something done with action, but I believe there's a lot to figure out through reflection and thought too.

In the STEM world, for example, some people don't see mathematicians as useful as engineers. Engineers are the practical people in STEM and those math geeks are just playing with numbers. But with playing around with ideas, they discover information that could allow new practical ideas. Mathematical knot theory was a leisure time for math geeks in labeling how knots could be tied with different numbers and structure. Later on, scientists found out that molecules inside the body could work like knots, and knot theory could be used for the medical field.

As someone who's err. . . an "impractical" person as well for ideas (and math), I give a lot of credit to random exploration and time for reflection. By losing a direction, new opportunities could be found by thinking differently and without order. We lose our way by staying rigidly towards a path that doesn't work, and to find something that does work mean not acting in that path.

Well, take care, Elpha. Here. 

[Elphanigh]

Decimal,

All of that made me smile. As a musician and philosopher the impractical ideas are my forte. I was also phenomenal at math and abstract ideas in those areas so I understand all of what you were talking about. It is amazing to hear it put in those terms. Honestly I think hearing it in a more academic comparison it sinks in more for me.

Thank you for thinking of it that's way and sharing with me. It really helps my mind wrap around it a bit better. You appealed to something I understand and respect so much 

[Elphanigh]

Two more days and I will have freedom! Starting Monday I will be off for ten days, and can not wait. I leave on Wednsday for my actual vacation to where my family lives. For the most part that will be good, I just have to watch my boundaries while I am there.

The time off will offer me a great chance to rest, and for my body to catch up. Before I leave I have two phone interviews, and will hopefully hear back about the apartment application. I will clean my apartment, and work on packing for the move. I want to have everything settled before I leave.

Have a flute lesson, hoping that's will help that part of me, and then a therapy session the night before I go. I think it will be helpful to have that one last time to process. My mind and emotions have been swirling for days, I think there is just a great deal of change going on so my subconscious has a lot to handle right now.

[Deep Blue]

Best wishes Elpha,
I hope things align for you.  You definitely deserve the chance to recharge.  Keep on eye on your boundaries and we will clamor in with support if you need it