Blueberry's healing: what's beneficial and constructive for me

[sanmagic7]

brilliant.  it seems only natural, when i think about it, to turn that to others as well.  why not?  their behaviors and actions are also either beneficial and constructive, or not, and we've had plenty of the 'not' in our lives to last a lifetime.  you go, girl!  love and a warm hug.

[Blueberry]

Roaming around on here for hours, well an hour and a half. Beneficial or constructive for me? No. Log out.

[Hope67]

Just popped by to say 'Hi' Blueberry - hope you're doing ok.    to you. 
Hope 

[Blueberry]

Thank you Hope  I'm feeling fairly low today. Don't even know why. I've done a few things on today's list but can't seem to get moving on the rest. So that's why I was roaming around on here earlier.

[sanmagic7]

loving hug filled with care and comfort to you, blueberry.  i hate these low times myself, but come they do in spite of everything.  this, too, shall pass.  hang tough, sweetie. 

[Blueberry]

It has passed already. Choir practice this evening did the trick.  Singing is usually very beneficial for me.

Tomorrow I'm going up to the farm for half a day. Also beneficial. Keeps me moving, because on a farm there's a certain rhythm to life, with the animals and other jobs that need being done.

[Sceal]

Happy to hear that choir practice made you feel better! I hope you have a wonderful time at the farm.

[Blueberry]

From Recovery Journal: what's beneficial for me: Jan. 30th:
Reminder to self: Things may appear to not be constructive, but are actually. I was playing Patience today, which I consider a kind of a waste of time, but I was allowing myself to do it anyway. Then things started slotting into place. This has happened to me before when I was playing Patience.

Sometimes, there may be activities that are more constructive, true. But as a means to keep me out of bed, out of the fridge, keep me from relapsing into depression, and allow whatever-it-is to come back to the surface and get slotted at least somewhat into place, Patience seems to be good. So, sometimes beneficial after all.

Healing from CPTSD is seldom as simple as I'd like (or as simple as the non-afflicted think).

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Elphanigh
Re: Blueberry's healing: what's beneficial and constructive for me
« Reply #23 on: January 30, 2018, 07:47:25 AM »
   

This sounds like such a positive moment of self love and self care. Way to go Blueberry!!

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sanmagic7
Re: Blueberry's healing: what's beneficial and constructive for me
« Reply #24 on: January 30, 2018, 08:13:48 AM »
i guess it's called 'patience' for a reason.  seems like it lets you slow down enough for things to rearrange themselves the way they need to be for you.  yeah, i'd say that's pretty constructive, no matter how it may look. 

no, recovery is not at all as simple as anyone would like to think it is.  but, we're doing it anyway.  that says a lot about us in the end.  loving, warm hug to you, sweetie.

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DecimalRocket
Re: Blueberry's healing: what's beneficial and constructive for me
« Reply #25 on: Today at 02:38:56 AM »
It's a strange thing how things that seem like the least effort are actually the most difficult somehow. I've  been learning to swim for physical education class and I was taught to let go of my weight to float up. Huh? I thought. But the less I resisted, the less weight for me to sink down and naturally find my way to the surface.

Interesting how that works.

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Blueberry
Re: Blueberry's healing: what's beneficial and constructive for me
« Reply #26 on: Today at 08:03:36 AM »
That's interesting DR and telling somehow. The more I resist allowing my real feelings and desires, the more difficult things get. It's the afternoon here and I allowed myself to stay in bed all day. I couldn't get up somehow so I didn't. Something is possibly still finding its way to the surface.

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sanmagic7
Re: Blueberry's healing: what's beneficial and constructive for me
« Reply #27 on: Jan 31st  at 08:37:57 AM »
take your time, blueberry.  yeah, those paradoxes.  kind of zen, in a way.  stop fighting in order to win the battle.  'star wars' had a lot of that.  let go and you'll find greater strength.  i think i needed to hear this today.  thanks.  big hug.

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Blueberry
Re: Blueberry's healing: what's beneficial and constructive for me
« Reply #28 on: Jan 31st   at 09:14:54 AM »
I'd say I'm struggling a bit atm. I think the low phase has passed, as I've written a few times here recently, but it really hasn't. Going to choir helps briefly but it's not enough to keep me going for a few days. This too shall pass.

Well actually I went to choir practice really late yesterday (but at least I went at all!) and they ended early - just after I arrived in fact   to move onto the social aspect of the evening. Someone was asking if I get 'home' to my native country often. I actually explained that I don't anymore because I'm VLC with FOO, and then I explained why. This woman and the other one listening in both validated my reaction to FOO.

I said e.g. that FOO has always said that I have to learn to put up with xyz and I have decided that I don't have to actually. They agreed. That was beneficial! Two people not protecting FOO but more commiserating with me and supporting me in my decision. Sometimes just talking about it and hearing reactions - even good ones - does me in. So that'll be why I stayed in bed half the day.

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From Miaoue:

just popping in to say thanks Blueberry for this thread  it's given me a lot of thought. i love how your notion of doing what's beneficial and constructive weaves self-fulfillment and self-improvement into self-care...i'd like to come up with a similar philosophy for my life 

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Blueberry

« Reply #31 on: January 31, 2018, 03:23:20 PM »
I remind myself that feeling like giving up comes from being stuck in an EF. Sometimes I can take steps to get out of the EF, sometimes I wait for it to happen.

I tend to feel like giving up partially with the feeling that there's nobody there. So I can understand why I stayed in contact with FOO so long. I wasn't and am still not unconditionally accepted in FOO but for a long time that felt better than a void. There have been times in the past when spirituality / the belief in some sort of higher being has helped fill the void.

Also having work or tasks to do for other people (or animals) helped and continues to do so. OTOH as part of my collapse last year came this new inability to get my furry little creatures to the vet's when I needed to. Twice. So I got a new home for FLC. I think that was a correct move (especially for FLC) but atm I'm missing them. They and their predecessors were always a reason to get up and keep going.

Doing work for clients is also a reason to keep going. It's tougher on days when I don't have clients (like today). I can just stay in bed. OTOH keeping going for clients when I'm not doing enough nurturing for me won't last. Since Monday I've felt too something-or-other to refile papers I use for my clients. Not too lazy. More like too confused. It requires too much mental energy to put the papers in the right place.

Clients bring in money, which FLC never did of course. So objectively-speaking, clients very beneficial.

But FLC put me in a different frame of mind, maybe. I talked to them on and off all day. The words I used for that were undoubtedly nurturing for me too. I called them "my little sweethearts" and other things like that. There are no people in my life I would call that. In FOO growing up there were some words of endearment used towards us, but there were also 'jocular' put-downs. I talked lovingly to my FLC; when I was growing up we said put-downs to the pets because they couldn't understand (we thought). I didn't realise then and FOO still doesn't apparently that the way you talk to other people (and your pets) has an effect on you too.

I think I'm all at sea atm figuring out what is beneficial and constructive for me in multiple aspects of my life. There are things I know I should do, but am not e.g. going to the dentist. I have a T appointment tomorrow because I asked for one, as I'm allowed up to 3 per quarter. But I feel i'm slumping because of not having regular T anymore. Regular T kept me going; without it - 'give up' modus returns. I've been told before that I seem to expect a T or an inpatient place to heal me, though not by my present T. But probably there is a bit of truth to that. It's not the whole truth, but it's a bit of it. I have to do the healing myself though. Quite a while ago T suggested I do some work with B1 via Screen Processing. I haven't. Undoubtedly I need to in order to move on. B1 was/is one of my abusers.


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« Reply #32 on: January 31, 2018, 04:17:37 PM »
Quote from: Hope67 on January 31, 2018, 09:41:38 AM
I really related to what you said about FOO saying that a person has to put up with XYZ - mine would use a phrase 'You've made your bed, now you should lie in it"

Blueberry: I heard a bit of that too.

Hope, you know I don't have anything against you writing things that occur to you while reading my posts. No problem.   

But in case it wasn't clear, the things I am and was meant to put up with were not things that I had caused. It wasn't a case of I'd got myself in a situation and had to stay there, it was a case of M and/or B1 and recently SIL2 being abusive and I'm told I 'have to (learn to) put up with it'. M, B1 and SIL2 are supposedly not going to change, and in fact nobody is even allowed to point it out to each of them that they are abusive. The other ones prevent that from happening. B1 and SIL2 will talk about how 'rude' M is. M will say to anybody except B2 and SIL2 how 'rude' SIL2 is. Well, it's all just typical dysfunctional family. I played my part in it too. There's a word they use for it over at OOTF: Triangulation.

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« Reply #33 on: January 31, 2018, 06:51:12 PM  from sanmagic7»
blueberry, from what i understand, even from van der kolk, is that nurturing relationships, including with a t, can be healing, that part of our healing comes from being in such a relationship, or being surrounded on a regular basis by nurturing people.

from that, i can understand a 'wanting' to be healed by someone or ones outside yourself.  it's the relationship part of it, the environment, the surroundings that help with our healing.  how many times has it been said on this forum that healing is difficult if we're still in an abusive relationship, or still living with our foo?

i think those that said that may have meant it too literally, but i do believe there is validity on your part for wanting it, wanting to be in the midst of a positive environment to promote your healing.   we all need that.  i believe that's why when some of us take a break from the forum, we miss it so much - it's a part of our healing mechanism.

i also understand the value of having something outside yourself as motivation to get out of bed, to do what needs to be done.  whether it's flc or a d, they provide an impetus to keep going, to make it thru another day, to do something beneficial for ourselves rather than just withering away because it's so much harder not to.  they give us a reason to keep putting one foot in front of another.

as far as putting up with abuse, pooh.  that's just to make it easier for the others, to my mind.  don't rock the boat, don't make waves - i've heard that all my life, including in adulthood with other adults.  i don't have many regrets in life, but there are some linked to not speaking my mind at the time.   

i think you're doing ok, sweetie.  nothing wrong with taking a break every so often, giving yourself some time and space when your brain fogs over.  you're still moving, and that's what counts.  love and a big hug.
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Blueberry
Reply #34 on: January 31, 2018, 07:37:45 PM »
Thanks very much for your response, san. As relationships fall away, or I remove myself from them, because I realise they are not nurturing, it becomes even more necessary for me to find nurturing elsewhere. Although in the past I was in a lot of T that emphasised the need to do that all yourself and for yourself, I could be giving myself a break and saying "No, actually, I still do need help with that."

As other people here and also on OOTF say, as you heal you notice which relationships are not healthy for you, and you start letting them go, and finding other people. I'm doing that rn. But it doesn't necessarily happen simultaneously. Letting go of people who aren't doing me much good doesn't mean I find new people right away. Undoubtedly in this kind of phase I need people who are unconditionally nurturing, even if I or the health service are paying for it. A long time ago my doc used to prescribe massage for me, for the healing touch. (I'm lucky, I can handle massage so long as I can say "don't touch here" and am heard.) I don't need that anymore, but emotionally nurturing stuff.

Although I haven't lived with FOO for a long time, emotionally-speaking I'd never really left. I'm still in the process of moving out of this abusive relationship. So yeah probably I need to allow myself to go on more healing retreats etc. The added difficulty there is that places I used to go to are no longer there. I need to try out new places, new people. I have a spot - new place, new surroundings, not completely new person - in early May, but even that seems too long to wait. Your post helps me understand better why.

I didn't actively abuse my little furry creatures, but sometimes I neglected them a little. e.g. by not putting one foot in front of the other and getting them to the vet's. So I don't think I can get back the nurturing relationship I had with them till I can guarantee to myself that I'll always manage. I wouldn't get my little ones back anyway, but others. But after having given up these little creatures who gave me so much and for whom I did so much, it's not been so easy to find a replacement.

Oh, I don't think I should be putting up with abuse anymore! It's taken me a long time to get there though.

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Re: Blueberry's healing: what's beneficial and constructive for me
« Reply #35 on: February 01, 2018, 12:27:49 AM »
1) Beneficial: start reading Pete Walker's "The Tao of Fully Feeling" and "Surviving To Thriving", as well as Christine Lawson's "The Borderline Mother"
Constructive step: Order all three.

2)  Beneficial: Healing retreats and art therapy days. Much more important atm than holiday later in year.
Constructive steps: Don't plan holiday as such. Register for min. one healing retreat or several art therapy days before May. Preferably by March in fact, maybe even Feb.

3) Beneficial: Give self a break.
Constructive step: Reduce goals, esp. idea of dealing with eating disorder without significant support i.e. inpatient T

Constructive thought for Beneficial 2 and 3: It is good self-care to spend money and time on healing retreats or even time on inpatient T, even if many other people on this forum cannot do these because possibly not available in their country. Unavailability for others is irrelevant for me. I can treat myself well according to what's on offer in my country.

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sanmagic7

« Reply #36 on: February 01, 2018, 07:58:26 AM » 
very well done, blueberry.  i especially loved your closing thoughts.  just because others don't have access to something doesn't mean we mustn't take advantage of something that might be helpful for ourselves.  we can't help what others don't have.

very nicely arranged, very organized, simple (in a good way), straightforward.  love and a big hug to you.

Reply #37 on: February 01, 2018, 04:22:37 PM »
Quote from: Blueberry on February 01, 2018, 12:27:49 AM

    1) Beneficial: start reading Pete Walker's "The Tao of Fully Feeling" and "Surviving To Thriving", as well as Christine Lawson's "The Borderline Mother"
    Constructive step: Order all three.
      Ordered  "The Borderline Mother" and "Surviving To Thriving"; tried to order the other            but not possible (so far) from my country. Further constructive step: try a different type of order??

    2)  Beneficial: Healing retreats and art therapy days. Much more important atm than holiday later in year.
     Constructive steps:  Don't plan holiday as such. 

    3) Beneficial: Give self a break.
    Constructive step:  Reduce goals  , esp.    idea of dealing with eating disorder without significant support i.e. inpatient T   

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sanmagic7
 
Re: Blueberry's healing: what's beneficial and constructive for me
« Reply #38 on: February 02, 2018, 08:35:53 AM »
  and   .

way to go!

[Blueberry]

It's certainly beneficial for me that OOTS is running again properly  No more copying and saving posts elsewhere. To then be moved back here somewhere.  Deciding where and in what order is mind-bogglingly confusing for me. Puts me in an EF-like state. 

But I really logged on to post something from today. Instead of lying down and giving up, I told a pretty small IC that it was OK to make all that mess by mistake. That sort of thing happens sometimes. But then the Adult needs to start cleaning up. It helped me to think of this little IC. She was allowed to help clean up. I didn't send her away (the way I would have been brusquely as a child - "you've made all this mess and now you're getting in the way as well") but it helped me to assume Adult role and think: if there really was a small child here, would I just leave all this mess and chaos and go back to bed? No. I would start cleaning up. So that's what I started. Now to go back to it and e.g. unload washing machine and hang the stuff up to dry and put next load in. Step by step I'll get it done.
Beneficial and constructive thoughts.

[Three Roses]

 

[Hope67]

Blueberry, that is great that you did that - sounds very constructive and beneficial to me.  Really great!   

I am also so glad that the forum is back and running smoothly once more - it's really good.   

to you Blueberry. 

Hope 

[sanmagic7]

how very cool that you were able to structure all that in such a positive way, blueberry.  i'm very impressed by that process.  well done!  big hug to you.

[Blueberry]

Thanks san 

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NTS: Time to put some music on and dance about.
1) I've got quite a bit of work done today that i'd been putting off, like getting my tax documents together , so music / dance = reward
2) I read an email response from a FOO member. It's good to get that out of my system a bit.

[Sceal]

Dancing is a great medicine!
I hope you had a wonderful time with music and dacing! 

[Blueberry]

Thank you! I did. Only just finished now.

Now I understand why somebody over at Out Of The Fog says something like 'any contact with a PD person creates some damage in us'. One little email from F and I need over an hour of music and dancing to re-ground.