Blueberry's healing: what's beneficial and constructive for me

Started by Blueberry, January 09, 2018, 12:47:46 PM

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Hope67

Hi Blueberry,
I read your letter that you wrote to SIL2 - I thought it was really well written, and conveyed a lot. 
:hug: to you, Blueberry.
Hope  :)

Blueberry

Thank you Hope  :hug: :hug:  I had been thinking it wasn't 'enough' somehow. I think you know that feeling too, unfortunately for you. So it helps what you say here.

Blueberry

I was writing and compiling some stuff for San on traumatisation by Ts. My piece is quite long actually but I feel it's not persuasive enough  :blahblahblah: :blahblahblah: :blahblahblah: but the good thing is: I stopped writing it when I started to feel myself go numb. In fact, really I should get off the computer now and go and listen to / move to music to get better back in my body.

And I didn't even feel into my memories of trauma by T, I stayed pretty much on the surface and still some physical reactions. That's just me triggered imho right now because I'm avoiding getting retraumatised, but if I felt into the memories properly, it could go from trigger to full-blown EF and then retraumatisation maybe?

Hope67

Hi Blueberry,
:hug:
Well done for stepping away from the computer and that heavy stuff you're doing compiling things - and hope you enjoy moving to music to get back in your body.   :cheer: that you're doing that. 
Hope  :)

Blueberry

Thanks Hope  :) :)   At least I listened to music, even if I didn't dance much.

Today I don't feel much impetus to write on here and I think that's good. I've just sent a longish response to someone, with my Mod hat on and I might write under 3 Good Things but otherwise closing down for today.

sanmagic7

blueberry, the stuff you sent me was plenty persuasive enough.   you did a brilliant job, and i thank you.  yes, it's time to rest.  i feel it, too.   love you

Blueberry

Thanks for feedback, san.  :hug:

I got a email today from enF on financial stuff and I managed to respond pretty much right away, including questioning some of the conclusions that were drawn, so standing up for myself versus siblings e.g. This is good going for me! It can take 3-4 weeks for me to respond. Things are moving forwards again.  :)  :cheer:

Sceal


Blueberry

Thanks Sceal!  :)

___________________________________

Today I need to change my printer cartridge, something I traditionally have a lot of problems with. Today I'm having even more problems than usual  :aaauuugh: which is a real pain because I could do with being able to copy and print various things today including my resumée. We worked on this a couple of months ago in therapy, and I yawned like crazy which is a sign that something emotional is going on. I'm yawning away today too but not so far had any success changing it.

sanmagic7

good luck with the cartridge - they can be frisky little things.

well done on the rest of your progress, tho.  that's so great to hear, sweetie.   love and hugs.

Blueberry

Quote from: sanmagic7 on June 05, 2018, 10:58:27 AM
good luck with the cartridge - they can be frisky little things.
in my case it's not just the friskiness of it, there's 'something' behind it. That's why I yawn so much, that's why I worked on the topic in T. Something to do with machines, doing things with my hands, and I think also possibly connected to my M flying off the handle when small practical and/or technical things didn't work out for her. It's as if her anger in these situations has caused me life-long panic instead. She used to say to me "don't get in such a tizzy about things" when I used to give up in tears as a child. How come nobody ever said to her she shouldn't explode and throw something across the room because the vacuum cleaner flex didn't come out of the socket? She was the adult after all. There's me standing watching and learning fear of her reaction and helplessness in general in similar situations. That didn't actually come up in T because we used the Screen (as in Screen Processing) to project into the future. Hm. Time to go do Screen Processing of this memory  :thumbdown: It's good I have the method of course but I don't like using it on my own.

Quote from: sanmagic7 on June 05, 2018, 10:58:27 AM
well done on the rest of your progress, tho.  that's so great to hear, sweetie.   love and hugs.

:)  :hug:

Deep Blue

Blueberry,
I think you've hit on an important connection between machines and you.  As a child, how were you supposed to learn not to throw a tantrum when you saw your m do the same thing?  :hug:  :hug: to you sweetie.

I yawn when I'm stressed too. Hmmm never thought about it much.  I always thought I was just forgetting to breathe? Take care and go easy on yourself  :hug:


Blueberry

Thanks for the validation DeepBlue!  :hug: I don't even throw a tantrum now, my brain just kind of freezes, sometimes for weeks about the thing in question.

I yawn when something's 'going on' emotionally. I've been told it's partially a release of tension, so generally a good thing. But sometimes it's a sign to stay away from a topic because the topic is causing me too much stress and tension. Needless to say I haven't done my Screen Processing yet, though I have just been working for a couple of hours, I had to, had appointments, but good excuse too  ;D Going easy on myself isn't such a bad thing either. I'll see.

sanmagic7

nice realizations about the frustration surrounding machines.  it makes perfect sense from what you said about your mother.   you're right - why didn't she say the same thing about being in a tizzy to herself?  show you how to deal with that frustration in a calmer, more adult way rather than terrorizing her daughter?

best to you with your screen processing on this, if you decide to take it on.  love and hugs, sweetie.

Libby183

That's it, Blueberry.  Again you have hit the nail on the head,  so to speak!

My mother frequently threw a tantrum when things didn't go exactly right for her. And yet,  even as a very young child, I was scolded and laughed at for having a tantrum.  Even at an age when it was pretty normal. But the same rules didn't apply to her. Why not?  No wonder we grew up so confused.

I have the exact same problem with machines, technology,  cars etc. Something goes wrong and I can't cope. And yet it still seems like other people are allowed to be frustrated but we are not.  Is that why we continue to avoid,  I wonder?

We seem to have had so many similar family situations.  San Magic is so right - we were terrorised because they couldn't cope.

Good luck in dealing with pesky machines!

Libby.