Blueberry's healing: what's beneficial and constructive for me

[DecimalRocket]

Yes, I can relate. I still get hurt easily sometimes. Hope you can enjoy your music, Blue. 

[Blueberry]

I promise myself - I'm logging off now!

[Blueberry]

It's certainly beneficial for me to see my own failings and own up to them. Otherwise things just get worse and worse, spiralling ever more downwards into SH and feelings of it's-better-to-give-up. I can't yet write about them openly here. My mind goes blank which means it's too early, but the time will come.

Two seconds later: I certainly have trouble working as part of a team. I tend to be judgemental. I also feel responsible for more than I should and end up hurting other people because I question their decisions. Behind that sits the old wound of being blamed for anything and everything going wrong even though I had nothing to do with it. So often what looks as if I'm being judgemental or bossy or interfering is a vain attempt to prevent any kind of criticism of the work done by the group because of the deep-seated fear that I will take the flak. The flak was emotionally very bad when I was a child and then later too.

BUT that is a very old thing and time to start questioning it AND I hurt other people and/or make other people's work difficult. Hurt people hurt people. I'm one of the hurt people who do that. Not all the  time but ever so often.

Anyway I now have to go off and work a small shift at a Carnival party. Maybe my mood will improve a bit.

[Elphanigh]

Sending supportive hugs, and aitting with you

Have fun at the carnival!

[Blueberry]

Thank you Elphanigh!

It did me good to go over there and do things with real people. I was dealing out drinks which is hilarious, because I hardly drink any alcohol. I have to learn them again every year 

[Elphanigh]

Sounds like a fun time. I am glad it did you good. Random side note, it is interesting to hear you call it dealing drinks rather than bartending. I love learning about the language differences depending on where in the world people are from

[Blueberry]

Oh, "dealing drinks" was a Blueberry-ism at the moment of writing. I wouldn't have said 'bartending' though. Sounds too professional for somebody working at a table rather than a bar.

_____________________________________

When I'm not on here, there are still realisations I want to write, but when I come on here, they disappear from my head.

I did some work this morning and then I slept most of the day. Sometimes that's necessary and therefore also beneficial in the days after a T appointment. T was pretty intense on Wednesday.

I was trying to do some moderating a few minutes ago, but ahem cough cough I couldn't be bothered, felt very listless, so I thought it probably beneficial to go and write a bit about myself first.

[Blueberry]

In therapy we were doing work on my dread and fear of doing faintly technical things with my hands. It's a pretty long-term issue that I have done healing work on before.

People teach me how to do things like use a very simple mobile phone and I even practise using it in their presence but when I come to actually use it, I get stuck part way through. Brain gets all foggy. Or something I regularly dread is changing the cartridge on my printer. It's been 'intimating' to me for a while that cartridge will soon need to be changed. I'm waiting till it actually runs out completely though, so that makes for a constant low-level feeling of dread.

We worked on reducing the fear first with me picturing myself in the future changing the cartridge. I could see myself from behind only and everything was pretty dark. During the course of the work, it changed so I could see myself from the side.  I couldn't see my own hands but I could see that I was doing something. Instead of dark there was a yellow glow around me. I know I had brought some helpers into the visualisation including one of my absent Little Furry Creatures.

After we worked on fear reduction, my T asked if there were any other feelings. Yes. Anger and pain. We worked on anger. Not getting rid of it but using it to remove my M from standing there in the way. She moved fast to my side instead of splat in the way of my plans. And then I even got her to go further away. Not without F turning up to admonish me for 'hurting M's feelings', but I got rid of him too. I know it'll take quite a while for this work to show real changes in my behaviour

My homework from T is to do  fun and possibly creative things with my hands. I haven't done any yet, just gone to bed and slept, but I do have a list of ideas. That's a start.

[sanmagic7]

it sounds intense.  no wonder you needed the sleep.

and, hooray for you for getting your folks out of the way.  brilliant.  sounds like some progress being made.  also, that's some pretty heavy lifting to do, so to speak.  a lot of energy expended.  yep, healing sleep sounds just right.

loving, warm hug to you, blueberry.  i'd love to hear what kind of creative thing you choose to do with your hands.  i'm actually knitting a scarf for my d, it's almost done.  it feels good to me to do something like that with my hands, something that doesn't take a lot of thought/mind energy. 

[Blueberry]

Maybe 'creative' isn't quite the word. It's more doing something with my hands which can also involve the senses and/or be tactile. Certainly no stress involved e.g. I must finish this piece of sewing.

Today I washed some dishes, not even all of them. I notice that it's actually hard to do things with my hands atm. Yesterday I put body lotion on my feet and hands. So that involves feeling with my hands and the sense of smell as well. It's fine to take these things slowly.

I have a bad cold so spending a lot of time sleeping.

[Hope67]

It's fine to take these things slowly.

I agree, definitely fine to take these things slowly - and I hope very much that you will feel better from your cold soon.   
Hope 

[DecimalRocket]

Hi Blue. Interesting that you have trouble with your hands. It's not from emotional issues like yours, but I have problems with my hands too. Not their movements as a whole, but how I isolate each finger — handwriting for example tires and confuses me more easily than others. Has to do with me being an Aspie apparently.

Well, I hope you learn how to move your hands more. All that with your T — the visualization and awareness of emotions . . . sounds tough and effortful. I hope you can rest easy, Blue. 

[Blueberry]

Thank you Hope and DR 

[sanmagic7]

get well soon, blueberry.

it is fine to take these things slowly.  i didn't even think of the things we do with our hands every day.  even typing this is something where my fingers are moving.

i like the lotion idea.   gets other senses involved as well.


big, healing hug to you, sweetie.

[Blueberry]

Just a while ago I was doing some colouring the way I wanted to, which was random scribbling. Whatever pencil crayon I picked up I used, regardless of colour. I didn't bother filling all the area in carefully as I usually do. Yeah, I just scribbled till I knew what I wanted to do: I wanted to write. Oh no! I couldn't find my diary though I knew I'd had it in my hands today. Turned out it was at the computer, which is not in my apartment for various reasons.

So atm I'm trying to figure out what would be beneficial and constructive other than playing Patience / solitaire with real cards instead of on computer. At least I stopped doing that. I started writing a list of things I could do tomorrow (today actually to be precise, it's past midnight) but I stopped when I realised the mere thought of having such a list would probably keep me in bed.

On the way to my computer I thought of that last therapy session which was good but intense and remembered that it often takes me a week to recover from therapy. And seeing as how it intense it was, it might even take longer. Especially with the number of further memories and realisations which have been coming up. So that makes some sense.

People have pointed out to me before that my system of 'rewards' for myself can be a bit wonky. One is: if I do particular difficult task, then I'll promise to reward myself by taking something away from myself! Another reward system makes more sense, but doesn't seem to work. The example for that atm is: if I finally get my tax documents together, then I'll allow myself to go back to the farm to do some work. Tomorrow is actually the only day within the next week where they could do with me and I could go. It might be beneficial since I doubt I'm going to collect together my tax docs. I can't even file away much less confusing stuff atm so I just leave stacks around the place. Going up to the farm tends to be beneficial. It helps me get going again, even if that merely involves finishing washing the dishes. Finishing the dishes would possibly lead me on to doing some other beneficial activity. That's how it works for me.

Going up to the farm would also force me to be outside in the fresh air and move my body a bit by at the very least walking to the bus stop and from the other bus stop to the farm, or cycling the whole way. Once I actually start, it usually works too. I just keep going.

On the plus side, I've finally got some impending telephone problems sorted out. I didn't do it though. I couldn't. A friend's husband dropped by and did it for me. So I don't have this feeling of Success! Yay! I did it! The way I do when I figure something out myself.