Blueberry's healing: what's beneficial and constructive for me

[Blueberry]

Thanks san on seeing my progress and commenting.

When I saw my ll on the construction site this morning, I merely asked for help getting my redcurrant bush out from under the debris and he did help. Between yesterday and this morning I realised that they put the tarpaulin over everything in case of rain (it did rain yesterday) and maybe they hadn't thought of that last week. Maybe they should've, but I've decided to let the issue go. That old thing about choosing your battles. I'm not letting this go with gritted teeth because ICr is telling me I should or something, I'm really letting it go. This is tons of progress for me!

I see it can be good to step outside a situation and allow it to settle overnight. New ideas or realisations come. Then I can act differently from how I used to act. Friends' suggestions can be useful catalysts in helping me realise something but their ideas on how to act are not necessarily totally healthy. With this, I'm beginning to trust my own judgement more and I'm getting less prone to seeing myself and my actions/thoughts/judgements as bad/unhealthy/dysfunctional/less good than other people's. Another load of progress. 

(Before I can step outside a situation, I need to be no longer triggered. I did have that step with the garden a couple of months ago. So it might well happen in other situations going into the future too.)

[Hope67]

Wow, that sounds great, Blueberry, tons of progress, as you said.  I want to join in with another 
Hope 

[Blueberry]

Thank you Hope 

Today I feel very listless and I slept most of the day. I did take my most important medication but can't remember if I took the anti-dep. If I did it was way late. I fed my friend's pets, so that's something.  A little while ago I wondered into the garden and clipped a few plants back - blooms that were totally over etc. That's definitely beneficial.

The farm people at the market this morning said I don't absolutely have to come on Monday since they have a few extra people atm but I can if I like. Just make sure they know either way by Sunday. Undoubtedly it would be beneficial for me to go as a 'keep going' measure. I can feel myself slumping today, instead of celebrating in my head about saving my plants from the construction site and getting the most important of those set into the ground in another part of the garden.
But if I say I'll go, I have to be certain I'll get up at 4 AM and cycle up the valley. I'm not sure I will.

[sanmagic7]

yeah, those up and down days.  they can be wearing all by themselves.  hang tough, sweetie.

i'm glad for both you and your plants that you got them to where they needed to be.  i'd say that's quite an accomplishment seeing what all happened beforehand.  i'll add a  for all of you, too.   love and hugs.

[Blueberry]

I did a little more garden work today, planted a few odds and ends that needed re-planting and a little plant I'd been growing in the kitchen. Also fed friend's pets, got rid of a few more books, did a load of laundry and hung it out.

I was going to go the choir summer barbecue but I realised I wasn't feeling well at all so slept the afternoon instead.  for me for noticing the physical unwell feeling. I tend to override that kind of thing "you'll feel better if you go anyway" (is an old FOO thing) Um, no, not always. I'm better at 'giving myself a break' when I'm unwell emotionally.

In the evening I sat in the garden in the nice warm weather and went through some papers, throwing a fair bit out. The content of 2 business binders is halved. Certainly constructive  Would actually be more constructive if I were doing the same in my apartment. otoh I had an urge to do these binders and often I get further where I have an urge than where I think 'I should' / 'it would be logical'. There's that "should" again which is never good for me. (or maybe 'hardly ever').

[Blueberry]

Thanks BeHea1thy 

______________________________

Somebody's coming this morning to give me one-on-one lessons in software, Word to be precise. I've been thinking this would be beneficial for a long, long time. So why do I want to go back to bed now and avoid it all?? Whatever the answer is to that, I got up and went through my paces. Cleaned my teeth, took my meds etc.

[Blueberry]

Lesson's over. It was just an hour which is more than enough for me. My brain got pretty foggy so I presume I was in avoidance mode beforehand partially because I feared my brain getting foggy. But it was one-on-one! I didn't have to keep up with a class or anything.

I did learn a number of new things, and refreshed old ones like a shortcut or two.  I also got introduced to a graphic program. My homework is now to go and play with these so as to learn. I remember now in elementary school a good few decades ago it was supposedly a treat to be able to do a math exercise on one of the computers. The others were enjoying themselves immensely, it seemed but I felt lost and as if in a dark hole .

The math teacher did notice after a while, kudos to him, and rescued me, allowing me to work on paper again. Math was terribly difficult for me that year and working on the computer just made it all worse. Hm. Maybe that's a memory I need to do some work with to help with problems with technology? Wouldn't hurt to try anyway.

[Blueberry]

The math and computer memory I'll just add to the list of 'topics to work on sometime'

I was just about to write on here for myself an hour or so ago but a terrific thunder storm came up and I doN't like being on the computer during them so I had a look at what I could do in the meantime: some more clear-out. Going through stuff in my office, stuff as opposed to just papers. It's a bit difficult because as I'm doing it, I'm saying goodbye to ideas I had, hopes I had about what I might bring to fruition professionally. I think while I'm doing it that this is just a first phase too. Really there's more I need to get rid of as in either I need to make more space in my apartment to accommodate business paraphernalia or I need to get rid of more business stuff. However, I am making a start with the whole process  There are times when I can hardly throw out half a page so the amount I'm accomplishing atm is good  .

Earlier today I was playing Patience again and things were slotting into place a bit, the way they seem to. The long-drawn out discussion via email with a friend is taking up space in my emotions. This realisation is at least beneficial. I'll see if I can give voice on the Friends board to any of the thoughts that were drifting through while I was playing Patience.

[Blueberry]

BeHea1thy,

You have great insight into what is going on with me atm! Like "the new things to come which are still a mystery".

"Patience" is another word for "solitaire". I play it with cards rather than on the computer.

________________________________

NTS: I do know this but need reminding obviously - when I sort of want to start cleaning but can't somehow then it is good to wash the dishes! It can act as a momentum-giver to help me move onto other housework, as it did tonight. If I end up totally exhausted after the dishes and can't move onto anything else because of that, then I wouldn't have done the 'something else' instead of the dishes anyway.

I've finally been cleaning my bedframe and round about my bed e.g. on the shelf beside it where all sorts of stuff accumulates  so that I can finally put my mattress back on. I've been sleeping in various other spots with flimsy camping mats etc for about 6 weeks. So it's good I finally started dealing with that  because those options aren't the most comfortable.

Among the stuff I accumulate on the shelf beside my bed are books. I was sorting through a bit and dusting them as well as the shelf and picked up one of my childhood books to read and I started crying. I'm not quite sure what triggered the tears except it was some emotions in the story itself rather than my childhood memories of reading being triggered. Also NTS: when there are unshed tears in me (there have been for a while now) reading stories from my childhood may bring out the tears, in a good healing kind of way.

[Blueberry]

Being awake half the night is not beneficial but it is what it is. There don't seem to be so many non- -ers on here as a while ago. Well, I'm happy for you others that you're either sleeping better or doing healthier things than sitting on here half the night.

Between writing a Recovery Letter a few hours ago and finally going to bed, I was doing something even less constructive than OOTS half the night. I was reading news websites. Before that, I went through a pile of business emails and deleted 90 of them. Not a very good time of night to be doing that, but it seemed that after the Recovery Letter, I needed to do a bit of a purge. The problem is then that I can't seem to get off the computer. I know, sometimes we 'should' replace "can't" with "don't want to" to see what's behind it. Put that on my ever burgeoning list of therapy/healing To Do's as well. Because rn I don't want to feel into what's behind staying on computer half the night either.

What also is not constructive or beneficial: having a caffeine drink before I go to bed. Yeah, yeah, I see it myself: self-care severely lacking in some areas atm. While tossing and turning in bed I came up with the focus for my new Journal. This one really is overly long. The focus seems to me to follow directly on from this final paragraph.

[Blueberry]

What also is not constructive or beneficial: having a caffeine drink before I go to bed.

Sometimes we forget.

You are too kind, BeHea1thy! Unfortunately, it wasn't a case of forgetting, it was a case of being knowingly self-sabotaging. On the plus side, self-sabotage used to be modus operandi for me and it no longer is quite that bad.

I went through a pile of business emails and deleted 90 of them.

Far out!!!!! Now go into your trash then choose Delete Forever. 

I did Delete Forever at the time  Otherwise imo they don't really count as being deleted.

Excellent and inspiring Blueberry. 

Thank you 

[Blueberry]

Two other (younger) couples 'll say "Thanks Blueberry! You're washing the dishes, that's so great, we're so happy!" But the dog-owner will say "Are you still washing dishes?? Or are you at it again?" meaning "My God, you're slow." I am slow, it's true, but that's one of the reasons I'm not working on the normal job market. If I didn't have the problems I do, I wouldn't be at the farm at all. I think everybody except the female dog-owner appreciates this, I mean her husband does too.

Actually Sgt. Major (the dog-owner) thanked me for washing dishes today instead of making underhand comments about my slow speed. So that happens too! And I also remember that last December she was really grateful for my help and even said so semi in public. But she is unpredictable about it. It was nice today though. Maybe noting that she doesn't always bellow orders and put me down is being mindful?

[Blueberry]