Blueberry's healing: what's beneficial and constructive for me

[DecimalRocket]

I'm not as physical as you Blue, but I understand that it's a relief to do something you love to do after a day's hard work. That's great.

[Blueberry]

I'm not sure that most of today has been beneficial or constructive. I didn't go to bed last night but sat at the computer instead. Part of the time I was looking at animal pictures and videos which was pretty cute, funny, calming but part of the time I was reading old news about a particular event a number of years ago which was haunting me a bit and still is.

Then I lay in bed all day and slept and had bad dreams. I didn't go to my evening appointment. I got an inquiry from a new client and spoke to her. It sounds genuine and promising. I guess I sorted out some things in my head by posting on here. Oh well, at least tomorrow 2 clients are coming and I'll go to the Games Afternoon (board games). That will get me out of bed and on with my day.

[Blueberry]

Today it finally came out: the voice that kept saying "What is the point??" in my head. I expressed it in the lesson I was having (not giving, that would have been inappropriate) and then things got better, as I knew they would.

The voice has gone already!! It used to take weeks or even months. I'm not sure what triggered it. Could have been any number of things. Best thing though: it's gone and with that things feel ready to move forward again a bit. 

Got 2 items into the post that I should have sent a week or two ago. Feel ready to start discarding some possessions, which I need to get on with before moving my business side of life back into my apartment.

[sanmagic7]

so very happy for you, blueberry.  i really am.  ready to move forward again - what a biggie.  i can't say enough about this except i see it as a major victory for you.  yay!!!  love and hugs to you.

[Blueberry]

Thanks san! 

I'd like to try and apply for another p/t job. I'm not sure that the number of hours I would be capable of working are quite what they're thinking, but it's a step forward that I'm even thinking of trying.

Today I was at the farm and felt I've done enough of that for a while. I will keep going on and off nonetheless but it's good when I even notice that I'd like to try something else, and especially have a real job where I'm properly employed and get money instead of payment-in-kind. For a long time, on and off, it's been really good to not be properly employed, for a number of reasons. Now that is changing and it's a good sign. 

Yesterday I stayed up half the night and sorted through papers and threw a whole bunch out. Certainly beneficial since I need a bit of a clear-out so I can move my business back into my apartment. I need to make space, especially for books and papers.

I can feel that there's quite a lot going on internally atm even though outwardly people can't see all the changes. I know the changes will come though, when they're ready.

One area where changes are taking place is: friendships. I think i've written about those changes mostly under Friends or Recovery Letters.

[DecimalRocket]

It must feel good to have all this progress in life.

[Blueberry]

Thanks DR, it does! As if all that therapy and my own work between sessions is finally paying off 

[Blueberry]

Not very constructive, but I haven't managed to impart some information to a friend. It's obviously more difficult than I thought to say: you're leaning on me too much. Please find other people.

I know if you don'T say anything, you have to show with boundaries. I haven't been getting back to her, so that could be an indication to her, but it isn't. She assumes I'm in a bad way. I don't think I am really. But I'M still not in a place that can be there for her. I think to myself about her and a few others IRL - maybe you need therapy! Maybe you really need somebody there for you who understands you! This one would possibly say - but you're the only one who really does. And therein lies the problem. That can't be. I looked and looked and gave up and tried again and looked some more etc etc and finally found a T who's really good for me. Before that I paid for long weekends of trauma-informed group therapy. You don't have to have CPTSD or PTSD to go but they can work with you if you do. She went once. She could go again. And not leech off me.

Fortunately she'll never read this. But I feel as if she and one other person who is no longer in my life are leeching off the fact that I have therapy. (I don't mean that at all for people on here! The situation is very different.)

Anyway, I need to go and get ready to go up to the farm. I'm going this evening instead of tomorrow morning early.

[Hope67]

Hi Blueberry,
Just wanted to say that I hope that the Farm is enjoyable - thinking of you.   
Hope 

[Blueberry]

Thank you Hope. I actually decided to not go up to the farm till tomorrow early after all. There are just a few too many things I haven't done this weekend. I've done some of them now though.  But there are a few left.

Now I have emailed that friend. I didn't write anything too specific but hope I made it clear I don't want to phone tonight. I think that was one of the more important things that I hadn't done this weekend. Well, now I have. 

i've also done a little work in the garden, including planting a wild onion bulb and removing a bunch of moss to help aerate the soil, and harvesting some spring weeds (dandelions, ground elder) for supper.

I've put some books on the Free Neighbourhood Bookshelf, which means I've made some space in my apartment, and I've started a bag of "Things for the next spring rummage sale".

These are all concrete, beneficial steps towards moving  my business back into apartment and/or keeping on going with things that do me good (garden!).

[Sceal]

You've gotten alot of stuff done recently! Well done!
It's wonderful to read about your progession and steps towards healing. It's really good that you're taking steps that are beneficial for you!

[Blueberry]

Thank you Sceal 

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It's good for me to read how just a day or so ago things were moving on, I was getting things done. Today I feel overwhelmed and as if there are too many undone things, too many things I ought to have done by now and haven't. It's evening and I haven't eaten anything yet today. Well no wonder, I slept till 1:30 pm when  a student woke me up ringing my door bell. Which was better than her missing the lesson. But after teaching her and running a few errands and then teaching someone else, why did I come onto OOTS to moderate (or even just read around)? instead of making myself something to eat??

I think because I was checking something online business-wise which certainly could have waited a couple of days and then I got distracted. I'm missing choir practice rn but not having eaten at all or drunk much I hardly feel like cycling up the road far less standing and singing for an hour or so. And anyway atm I feel as if it's very difficult to sing. It's strange. I don't feel as if I have no voice in general atm. I don't feel as if I can't express myself at all but I feel as if I can't open my mouth to sing.

It is true that I'm working on a number of biggish projects atm (moving business, therefore doing a clear out in apartment and in office beforehand, and thinking how to reorganise rooms and furniture in apartment when working out of it, applying for a job separate from freelance work, sorting out relationships in FOO and friendships) and smallish (keeping going freelance work, working at farm, and starting gardening at home for year), so my body and feelings rather than my intellect have decided: no choir atm. Maybe even give up choir altogether. I always wanted to be able to sing, it's been a dream from childhood. To be able to sing with others, be accepted within the group of singers.

But. The reality is I can't really. Despite lessons and practice and time. Lots of it. I have a lot of difficulty hitting the right note. Apparently I sing something that 'fits' but it's like a fifth voice to the other four in the choir. It harmonises with them, but it's not correct. Sometimes I do sing the right note, but not reliably. I think I'm now beginning to accept that I can't sing, not really. And the amount of work I'd have to put in daily to keep going in the choir is too much. I need the time and the energy for quite different things, I even want the energy for different things.

This is a big step forward in healing. Because this "I can't sing" was very painful for me for years. Recently somebody asked about goals on here. Learning to sing was a goal for me for a long time. Up until quite recently giving up as it were, reaching the conclusion that the amount of work involved is just not worth it anymore for me - this would have bowled me over. It hasn't been a waste of time so far. There have been a lot of positives to going to choir and to singing and to singing what we sing - God's words. I'm not even very religious!! But I discovered that singing God's words was very beneficial to me. Atm it doesn't seem to be. It's as if the words and their meaning are stuck in my throat.

I believe for various reasons that the trauma had a negative impact on my ability to learn many things, to 'just pick things up' the way children do, and that includes singing, carrying a tune. My inability no longer feels utterly painful to me. As if I'm going to cry if somebody imitates my attempt to sing. This means that I'm getting over the terrible effects being laughed at, being ridiculed, being imitated by M, F and B1 had on me. They imitated me in a very cruel fashion. The pain from then, from childhood, is healing over. It no longer feels so raw. Progress.

Now it would be very beneficial to go and make myself something to eat. I am very hungry. 

[sanmagic7]

enjoy your meal, sweetie. 

so very happy to hear about your progress.  i can relate to the singing thing, too.  i've always loved to sing, have sung in choirs, but don't have the voice at all for solo anything.  still, i love to sing along with the radio when i'm driving.  i've also gotten mocked for singing, so i know how that feels, too, which isn't good.

but i'm glad you've made a sort of peace with it, and i hope that continues.  i also hope you can continue to sing as you wish when you wish without criticism.  i've always thought that when people sing, no matter what their voice sounds like, it meant they have a light heart, and it's made me smile in a happy for them way.

keep up the self care as you get into this move.  it's such a big deal.  all the best for this for you, sweetie.  warm loving hug to you.

[Blueberry]

san, I've been told I have a good voice. There's a type of therapeutic singing I've done as a 'solo' with an audience (of fellow group therapy retreat members) and people are often quite impressed! But I have a lot of trouble finding and hitting the correct notes. When I sing my therapeutic solos there are no correct notes I have to hit, so I can concentrate on singing everything - all my feelings, fears, hopes whatever. I can give it my everything and my voice is quite strong, I don't falter.

Taking lessons and singing in the choir for so long has given me more confidence to 'just join in' in church when I'm in a service (as opposed to the choir) without feeling so terribly self-conscious. Because I don't feel so self-conscious, maybe I don't send out those vibes of 'please laugh at me, I can't protect myself' that mean people seem able to pick up on so easily? Anyway, it's definite progress. I hope it stays with me, even if I leave the choir.

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What I would like to get back to is: having Furry Little Creatures in my life. Not immediately. For one thing, I need to do my move first. It may take me a year or two, but I would like some in my life again. I'm figuring out my priorites atm.

[DecimalRocket]

I relate to that too. Not the singing — ever since I was a kid, people told me I'd make a good singer. But how there are certain skills in life that won't come over easily, and that we can't pursue every dream.

I have a need to fit in sometimes, and I wish I could be more of a popular loud people person to be liked, but I'm not exactly the best in that.  This need better stop after puberty.

I agree with San. That you don't need to be good at something to enjoy it. In a way, working on something you're terrible at is freeing. Not doing it for praise, accomplishment or any pressure. Just doing it because you enjoy it.