Blueberry's healing: what's beneficial and constructive for me

[Blueberry]

Today after therapy I realised I've moved onto a new stage of healing, like it or not. Today was the last regular appointment. As of 'tomorrow' the insurance will pay therapy maximum 3 times a quarter. My T says he can't guarantee he can always give me an appointment that often. Might be twice a quarter instead. I felt briefly annoyed and a little let down. Only to realise that T has his reasons like no longer working full-time and having to fit newer clients in who can and will come every week.

In this new and more advanced (!) stage, I will be taking more responsibility for myself. That includes looking at what is beneficial and constructive for me. e.g. what can I do now to benefit myself in reaching various goals and in continuing to heal? What can I do that's constructive? There are different answers at different times, in different moods and depending on when i'm feeling fairly normal or stuck in an EF. 

Feeling the pain of the past or the present, connecting FOO treatment of me to the way i treat myself these days is beneficial to me. I still need that answer to "Why is it soo difficult for me to do xyz?" But then it will also be beneficial to move on, to do mindful self-soothing activities. These involve the 5 senses.

Then it will be beneficial to do constructive activities that really help me move on. What these are will also vary, depending on whether i'm still stuck in an EF or already beginning to move out of it. There are some activities that are almost always beneficial and constructive to moving on: washing the dishes is one; conversing with my pets while I still had them was another. OK, good realisation. Keep in mind. But don't rush off to adopt more little furry creatures right now. Another one from spring to fall is going down into the garden and seeing what's growing. Smelling a nice scent. Moving my body, even if just stepping on the spot. I know it's good to go ahead and do one of these. If it doesn't work, try another. Don't give up.

Allow myself less beneficial activities e.g. playing Patience sometimes, but know that it's not such a mindful beneficial activity as say colouring (because the senses and creativity are not much involved). However, remember that blanket bans bring out a relatively young IC who is practised at self-destructive activities in the face of blanket bans from on high. 

This is my new Journal to reflect this new stage.

[Blueberry]

Beneficial and constructive: what's a beneficial and constructive way for me to talk to myself? Words are important since they can be so triggering for me. "Beneficial" and "constructive" are non-triggering words for me. Beneficial / constructive way to talk to myself is to be encouraging! Not to harangue and belittle and shame myself, or mock myself. Not "you are wasting time as usual, can't you do something constructive with your time??!?" No. More along the lines of
          "Good job! Writing this out has been helpful, a few new realisations while writing even. But, you know too long on the computer isn't very good for you. Not enough creativity, not enough of your senses are involved, not enough healing energy comes out of the computer, even if it comes out of this forum. How about ending your healing journal here for the moment and seeing what real constructive things you can do? Even just drinking a glass of water or making tea would be beneficial right now." 

Knowing that the more I practise that kind of talk with myself, the better I'll get at doing it, the more automatically it will just come, until it no longer has to be a whole paragraph written out. 

Moderating? Nah. Don't seem to be many new posts atm anyway. Can do that later. Self comes first. Switch off computer, go and have a drink and then think of further beneficial activities for today. 

[Hope67]

I think your new Journal of 'what's beneficial and constructive' is incredibly 'constructive' and I just wanted to wish you well with it.  I will be reading it for ideas too - because I need to bring more benefit and constructiveness to my own life.  I discovered I like doing 'dot-to-dots' over Christmas, and it seemed to engage a different part of my brain, and I liked the feeling.  I will be getting some more of those!  Even as I write that, part of me says 'But how constructive is that?' - but I would argue, 'Very' as it engages a part of my brain that is enabling me to feel calmer and more grounded somehow.  I like that. 

to you Blueberry, and hope you don't mind my adding those reflections in your Journal today. 
Hope 

[Blueberry]

Thank you Hope  No, I don't mind your reflections in my Journal. I've written some in yours too. We're even 

I like doing dot-to-dots too! Calming and grounding is beneficial. I read recently (in something of Kizzie's ? maybe here http://outofthefog.net/C-PTSD/forum/index.php?topic=62.15 ) self-soothing is always good to do and practise when you're doing well, because when you're in an EF, it's really hard to motivate yourself to do it, possibly also because you're having to work against Inner Critic who's ranting about uselessness. And I remembered that the two times that I've been really badly retraumatised one of my saving graces was that some of the self-soothing methods I'd been practising for years 'kicked in' pretty automatically and I was able to do them. These automatic responses only came because I had practised them so much. I was even saying them out loud to myself. "Move your feet, look at the plants, feel the leaves..." Not to mention: phone friends who understand and can support in a crisis.

[Three Roses]

 Yes, great idea!

[Blueberry]

Switch off computer, go and have a drink and then think of further beneficial activities for today. 

I did that, at least, and right away too! 

I do notice that keeping on going with beneficial activities is difficult. I've been unconsciously practising non-beneficial ones for so long that my impulse to do them is pretty strong. Non-beneficial doesn't necessarily mean destructive. I often allowed myself to do things that weren't particularly beneficial because they were and are better than destructive. Sitting reading is certainly better than sitting self-harming or sitting getting really angry at somebody in my head, but reading is often not very constructive or beneficial to me.

Years back I had a lot of therapy including inpatient that involved fasting. Not from food exactly but from bad habits and from all addictive/compulsive and even anorexic behaviour. (Anorexic can apply to relationships with people, not just with food. Some people even apply it to work. Basically, flight and avoidance.) Thinking about fasting will help me reduce non-beneficial behaviour. I can't fast completely from my computer and Internet because I need them for OOTS and for my professional work, and even for contact with friends, but with reducing in mind I can certainly fast from particular websites (like news). It will also help me think about what all I might like to do with the time left over. What beneficial, constructive activities are there out there for me at this stage of healing? The more I practise these beneficial things, the more deeply entrenched their pathways become in my brain.

Fasting in this way doesn't need to be for ever. Should be a couple of weeks at least to have an effect. It's a chance to explore. While writing that, something T recommends cropped up: it's good for me to view things I'm trying out with a detached, curious and particularly a well-meaning and kindly manner. I notice a change in my body posture and in body tension when I write that. I sit up straighter but at the same time feel more relaxed. 

[Sceal]

I like that concept, fasting from non-beneficial habits!
It sounds like it is a way to take a step back and ask a question like "Is this activity giving me something positive in return? If not, what could I do instead that would promote health, growth and progress right now?"
I am trying to look into that kind of behaviour too, so reading your perspective on this is very helpful!

I hope you find something that is nurturing to you.

[DecimalRocket]

Hmm. . . Blueberry, constructive ideas is great. Even in areas like healthcare or education, people have a tendency to fix weaknesses rather than emphasize the good. It reminds me of a story of how policemen in one area taught of not just doing things like placing speeding tickets on cars, but giving people little rewards like tickets to a movie for doing something good -like the ol' classic help a stranger carry their grocery bags or people returning lost money.

Well take care, Blueberry. 

[Blueberry]

Instead I was eating not very healthily today... When I was on another website earlier, I thought "this is not beneficial" so I allowed myself to come here briefly. Not to moderate, just to write a bit for myself and maybe read a few posts. I do note from time to time during the day that I pause briefly to consider whether something is beneficial or constructive for me.

In my case, all changes which will last take a while to implement. If I rush in headlong and make changes, they won't last, especially if it's somehow too early. Often I don't know why it's too early, it just is.

Today it was beneficial to go up to the farm in the morning. It got me going out of the house fairly early, whereas I tend to have difficulty getting going early. Like on Thursday, I could have met with a group of women I know for brunch, but I just didn't get out of bed. In my head, there are reasons why that group is beneficial for me, but my body is telling me otherwise by staying in bed. A few months ago I missed a few of those brunches too because I just couldn't be bothered to go out of the house and get myself there. This week it was really close by; far, far, far closer than the farm. I got to the farm, but not to brunch. That tells me a good deal.

It's a good sign. I want to be more active now, I want to work as well. I also want to make a difference, even if that is in small ways, so I prefer to meet up with people who are 'making a difference', active in changing a little bit in the town. I do my little bit, even if I just go along and maybe make a suggestion or research one small thing. That, rather than getting together purely to chat.

[Hope67]

It's a good sign. I want to be more active now, I want to work as well. I also want to make a difference, even if that is in small ways, so I prefer to meet up with people who are 'making a difference', active in changing a little bit in the town. I do my little bit, even if I just go along and maybe make a suggestion or research one small thing. That, rather than getting together purely to chat.

  This sounds really good, Blueberry.    I feel that 'you' make a difference - I just wanted to say that.   
You've made a difference to me.   
Hope 

[Blueberry]

Thank you Hope! You and many others on here make a difference too! But apart from OOTS, I tend more to meet up with groups who are actively involved with something rather than just chit-chat, especially regular chit-chat because after a while what's left to say apart from churning away about what's bothering you? If people stick to 'I feel' statements, that would be one thing, but if they get off on their hobby horses regularly with "oh, that terrible group of xyz-ists who do xyz and isn't it dangerous and especially inconvenient for us?!!" and I'm a xyz-ist, and they know that, it's hard sometimes, or just annoying. They don't want to listen to the counter-arguments and I'm not too good at sitting there listening to what I see as partial hogwash  because I do know more about the issue, I think. It's not just my opinions, I read up on the issue.

So I think it's better to take a break from that group of people or at least make sure I'm not there too often. They're nice people, they mean well, they're friendly, they're helpful, but when it comes to xyz, they really could do with looking up the local and even national regulations before getting too critical of the local xyz-ists. 

---------------------------------------------------

Beneficial and constructive: I'm feeling better today, more active, better able to do things instead of having to push myself to keep going. I've done a load of laundry and hung it up, a second load in the machine, I've washed the dishes, had my breakfast including tea, and more to drink since then, took my medecines, I also had a client here and did some prep work before and afterwards, went to the library to read the newspaper for a while, took the different garbages out. That's quite good for me for a day. There are other days when I might accomplish more time-wise e.g. do more work, but self-care is really lacking so I don't drink enough or don't take my meds.

But because I'm feeling more active, I caught myself thinking now's the time to write one of those FOO letters to send. Then I stopped myself thinking further along those lines. Because I asked myself whether I couldn't do something beneficial purely for me? I'm obviously just a day out of an EF. Not the best plan to do something which is likely to throw me back into an EF of multiple flavours, so that I'd be dealing with 4 or 5 different topics from the past, possibly different ICs, and EFs of different time spans, i.e. it would take a different amount of time to get out of each one. Don't do this to yourself right now, I say to myself!

Put myself ahead of FOO!          There are quite a few tasks in my life that desperately need to be done, including the overdue tax return, but also just continuing to tidy and  clear up in my apartment and sort out papers to discard. Tidying and sorting out papers is something I cannot do in an EF, particularly in the type of EF which tends to be long-drawn out and not very noticeable. So it's obvious: me and my life need priority so that these types of jobs get done, soon. My little godson is coming to visit for an afternoon next week and it would be good to have some of those piles removed by then. It's good he's coming, gives me more incentive.

[DecimalRocket]

Hey Blue. I'm glad you're taking more time for yourself. I've been seeing you improve a lot these days. Keep up the good work, and take it easy on yourself when you can't.

Sometimes the seemingly simple task of just being aware of when something might go wrong does wonders. These little things can grow into bigger things after all.

[Blueberry]

Thank you DR for seeing and commenting on my improvements! You're right - thanks for pointing out - just being aware of when something might go wrong is beneficial, very! 

[sanmagic7]

blueberry, i love your new attitude about beneficial and constructive.  i've picked that up just a while ago, asking the question 'will this benefit my life'.  same type of thing, and it's really been wonderful

it's also helped me with my tendency to 'waffle' about 'is this right or wrong, a good thing or a bad thing, acceptable or not' especially when it comes to the actions of others.  i'm finding i have a lot less tolerance and make less excuses for the abysmal behavior of others.  don't have time or energy for that anymore.  i've done it for so long, but it's kind of like a breath of fresh air now.

keep on keepin' on, sweetie.  i think you've gotten on a really positive track with this.  big warm, loving hug.

[Blueberry]

Thank you san! I'm glad you've discovered something similar for you and that the result is 'wonderful'   

New idea for me to apply beneficial/constructive to the behaviour of others. That might help me not to engage when a) somebody else seems to want me to or b) I'm feeling argumentative and have gone into fight mode. As I posted elsewhere, it's hard for me. I tend to jump to attention and answer someone else's comment on my behaviour. ah yes, I wrote about that on our lifeboat thread so that doesn't exist on here in any form.