Blueberry's healing: what's beneficial and constructive for me

[Blueberry]

Just done two very beneficial activities: written another 2 FOO letters on here to not send. Maybe I'll even manage a third.

There are a number of things I could do with doing tomorrow that would involve leaving the house (moving body slightly and getting fresh air) but which wouldn't involve going as far away as the farm. I've obviously finally got things moving again emotionally by writing these letters, even if I took all night about it.

[Sceal]

I haven't read the new letters (yet), but it has seemed that they have had a cleansing effect on your previously. It's really hard work to write it all down, to acknowledge your own feelings and emotions. I say very well done!

And I hope you'll get some fresh air! It can be quite wonderful too.

Cheering for you!

[sanmagic7]

good for you, sweetie.  i, too, have found that writing letters has released or opened up something that had gotten stuck.  so glad for you that you're doing them.

lovely, lovely,  warm hug filled with love and some of that fresh air.  i like that feeling on my face.

[Blueberry]

Thank you Sceal and san! Writing has had a cleansing effect. I feel lighter today. I finally dared to direct words of anger towards B2 who is GC in our FOO. It's a bit like directing words of anger towards F: it's just not done. Well, now I've done it.

to myself for finally taking this step.  For finally being ready to put it in words and direct it towards B2 in my mind if not directly towards him in person. But I'm putting it out there. 

So now the stuff I wrote to B2 and M is no longer bouncing around in my brain. It's gone. Can open up space for my stuff.

[Hope67]

Writing has had a cleansing effect. I feel lighter today.

So now the stuff I wrote to B2 and M is no longer bouncing around in my brain. It's gone. Can open up space for my stuff.

Really glad to hear you're feeling lighter today, Blueberry - and I also feel that writing really does help - in so many ways. 

Hope 

[Blueberry]

I didn't go to the farm today. I think it was beneficial to be at home today. When my swimming pool walls are feeling very shakey, the farm's not a good place.

I finally went grocery shopping. I didn't really want to buy anything or eat, but I did buy a bit, and I heated something up for myself to eat. It wasn't super healthy, but not super unhealthy either. I have an aversion to vegetables atm  cuz I actually like veg, but anyway I have an aversion so I drank v-8 juice instead. So I started drinking again yesterday after writing those letters and eating again today. Very beneficial and constructive. 

[Hope67]

Hi Blueberry -  to you.
Hope 

[DecimalRocket]

   

[Blueberry]

I copied what I think are all my remaining posts from this thread that were still on the old server over here 

Since I do re-read what I've written quite often in order to see the wisdom I came up with previously for a problem, or in order to see how far I've progressed, it's important for me to have my old posts too.

It's often quite confusing for me to do this type of thing. My brain goes all foggy so  for me.

[sanmagic7]

 

[Hope67]

Hi Blueberry,
to you. 
Hope 

[Blueberry]

Thx Hope 

It's beneficial for me to notice today that there are no SI thoughts going through my head about this contract work that's so difficult. Not that long ago (weeks? months?) there would have been. I never would've acted on those SI thoughts but they would've been passing thru my mind like 'you might as well throw in the towel' in a more literal sense though.

I wouldn't have acted on them but they showed the amount of desperation I used to feel and the amount of  effect. I guess I'm managing to not get sucked totally into an EF and I'm managing to stay better in a healthy form of my Adult. I'm not disappearing into a teenage form of myself (which used to happen in various types of my professional work) who is / was in absolutely no state to do this professional work. Neither psychological state nor intellectual/comprehension level, or organisational skills or even linguistic. That sentence isn't very well worded or constructed but I'm leaving it!

[Blueberry]

Noticing further progress, and noticing is beneficial. My usual coping mechanisms like eating, SH, giving up and going to bed or 'wasting time' aka putting off and procrastinating are not working, obviously. But now I'm really noticing it. They aren't working and I *have to* find another way of getting through this contract. Today I'm not even resorting to eating when I shouldn't be or eating anything that I shouldn't be - because it's not working. Usually I wouldn't care that it's not working, I'd do it anyway.

SH - well I'm doing a little of it semi-automatically while I work, but I'm stopping myself faster than I was yesterday, and I'm not doing it in a way that hurts, the way I was yesterday. Now it's more a kind of absent-minded and 'soothing' activity as opposed to self-punishment.

More healthy coping: today when I noticed my body really wanted to move and I wanted to enjoy a little of that sunshine, I went out for a little walk. Often I feel too self-conscious to go outside, I want to stay inside and hide from the world. But my body knew it needed to move so the impulse to do so overrode my feelings of self-consciousness and whatever else was there.

And just now I put some music on and allowed my body to move as its impulses were. I wouldn't say 'dancing' really. It's more a way to allow whatever emotions were trapped and causing blockages to be released which will hopefully de-fog my brain as well.

The whole thing feels like a breakthrough. I think it's the first time I've noticed in such a deep way that my old mechanisms don't work! They're not beneficial.

[Blueberry]

Noticing further progress, and noticing is beneficial. My usual coping mechanisms like eating, SH, giving up and going to bed or 'wasting time' aka putting off and procrastinating are not working, obviously. But now I'm really noticing it. They aren't working and I *have to* find another way of getting through this contract. Today I'm not even resorting to eating when I shouldn't be or eating anything that I shouldn't be - because it's not working.
...
The whole thing feels like a breakthrough. I think it's the first time I've noticed in such a deep way that my old mechanisms don't work! They're not beneficial.

The realisation is one thing; sticking to the results of it is another. I know, it's practice in re-wiring the brain. Making a beaten path of healthier coping to run alongside the beaten path of unhealthy coping and eventually being a much better worn path than the unhealthy coping.

On with the work!

[PaperClip]

I can relate very much about not wanting to go outside.   I hope you slide through this extra duty and quickly finish it.  I understand how overwhelming things can be and not saying 'no'.