Blueberry's healing: what's beneficial and constructive for me

[Blueberry]

Oh dear, I did it again. I spent so much time on here including replying to others that I don't really have time to write an email to a friend about clearing up some issues in our friendship. And I also feel bad about one reply - it wasn't enough etc etc. That harks back to FOO of course.

[sanmagic7]

sweet blueberry, i have to admit i've found myself in that situation a time or two as well.  i hope you can be easy with yourself.  all will come to fruition in its own good time.   love you, big warm, caring hug.

[Blueberry]

Thanks, san. That's true. Everything will come to fruition at its own pace in own time.

Today I simply remained in bed till the afternoon and I'm basically OK about that. I had been feeling exhausted, so bed is a good place.

I also feel now it's an anticlimax phase. I made my decision to stop looking for p/t employment and to accept that I do have certain limitations in the working world, and happy and healthy ever after. But  that's not how it works. Feel good for a few days at making this decision then go back to my normal struggles of even getting up, or seeing the good instead of the bad, or not giving in to depression, or just 'getting on with things' and in that case which things?

I've had a new monitor on my computer since Thurs. This is good, my monitor was making very strange noises but my printer is still not working properly. The computer guy sent me a link but I haven't managed to work it out. Feel a bit useless.  Though really he probably sent it to me to help, so I wouldn't have to pay for him to come again. He knows I'm not well and earnings are slim. NTS - be brave and ask him to come again. It's bad business-wise to have a non-functioning printer and I don't like asking friends when I could pay somebody.

FOO crops up in dreams atm. I'm making a concerted efforted to just not think about them in my waking hours, not churn over in my mind what they all did and said since my T suggested that is a way to hurt myself over and over again. In the dreams they're actually acting fairly healthily, but I won't allow myself to be fooled and dragged back in again. Even GC bro blew his cover last time I saw them all.

The other bro has an important birthday coming up. I'm not recognising it either. Little nephew's birthday was almost a month ago and although I bought him a card and present and wrapped it all up, I never sent it. It seems the effort of showing myself, maybe the courage too (?), are too much for me in trying to be aunt to the little ones. Well, I'll maybe get it off and then I think I'll make that the last one to the little ones apart from my goddaughter.

Now would be a good idea to finally write that email to a friend, tho I'll just pop over to the Potting Shed thread beforehand.

[Blueberry]

I notice looking back in my emails that I've already written much of what I have in my head to write. The reply was merely "sorry for going over your boundaries" whereas I don't think that's all what she was doing. More likely not even thinking I have the right to have any. It was enough re-reading that. Can't write anymore tonight.

[Sceal]

  Thinking of you

[Blueberry]

Thanks Sceal 
At least I pushed through with email to computer guy.  I can't help somehow feeling like a bit of a burden, though I'll be paying. Obviously an EF.

[sanmagic7]

i, too, hate that feeling that 'finally, all's well', then pop back into the muck a few days later.  it's wearing.

i think you did good with the computer stuff.  yay, you.

just sending hugs  .   i've had similar dreams where my nc daughter is her fun self, and we get along really well.  however, it never makes me want to go back to her, like maybe it'll be different.  i think of it as a gift, that for a few moments i was able to spend enjoyable time with her, and i'm thankful for that.

i think it would be horrible to have those types of dreams try to pull you back.  i'm really glad you're resisting, sweetie.  well done.   lots of love.

[Blueberry]

   i think of it as a gift, that for a few moments i was able to spend enjoyable time with her, and i'm thankful for that.

That's a novel way of looking at it. Neat idea.

[Blueberry]

Computer guy came. After much work, he got printer going again. Yay! I didn't get up till shortly before he came. Depression with a capital D. I think I was hiding in bed a) because I need to shower and wash hair and b) because I've taken on a small contract of the harder professional work I do. Now that the printer is functioning, it should feel easier because now I don't have to scrounge around for somebody else's printer tomorrow morning. Just need to do the thing itself.

Also I dreamt that one of the chairs outside my office disappeared so I'm not sure what worry that signifies... And enF let drop the information that SIL2 has a sabbatical presumably starting in the fall in M and F's country, meaning that at least some of the year my little niece and goddaughter will be much closer geographically - same continent at least.    I feel kind of - I should hurry up and get something sorted with my B. But then remember - no, I'm focussing on my own life and recovery, and the fact that my niece will be a couple thousand miles closer doesn't signify much since I'm barely in contact with my B and not at all with SIL.

[sanmagic7]

good catch, blueberry.  self-focus is always important.  the more we can keep our eyes on our priority of healing, the better off we'll be, to my mind.  they'll take care of themselves - they're adults, too.  well done.

glad your printer is fixed.  i hate it when those kinds of things go out of whack.  but, on your way again.  love and hugs.

[Blueberry]

B, SIL and all that will take care of themselves. It was more my sudden surge of "hey, little niece won't be so far away" that was the issue. But without me giving context, that probably wasn't clear at all. Anyway, she won't be that close at all, just a bit closer than usual.

It's probably good to be prepared for suggestions from enF that I go over and visit them so as to see my nieces. No way, considering what happened last time. Focus on self. I'm not even sure what my recovery is today. Since I've given up idea of getting a p/t job, it seems I need to figure out where I'm going otherwise. I suppose: remembering I have value as a human, even without earning enough to live off. And then focus on what helps me to want to keep going: nature, plants, flowers, singing, one-on-one teaching, friends.

[Blueberry]

I've come back on to touch bases, just to get the good vibes from here. I allowed myself to get into a discussion with someone on FOO issues. She has her own FOO issues. I was more venting than anything and she started giving me helpful hints which aren't helpful when you're venting. Things like "they won't change" which I basically know cognitively but not always emotionally. I did end the discussion but a bit too late for myself. She meant well, I know.

I'm sure I give helpful hints too when people are just venting, including on here, so got a taste of my own medicine so to speak. Doesn't taste too nice, I feel sad and hurt.  Well, I will get better at ending conversations that aren't good for me earlier. It's practice.

Probably I'm feeling a bit below par because I've just come back from a funeral of somebody I didn't know at all. But I do know her daughter and apparently there were quite a lot of issues in their family too. So I'm glad I went, with three other people I know to support the daughter, our choir director. But it did get me thinking about FOO issues.

In retrospect I shouldn't have dropped by that other place (where I got into a discussion) after the funeral, I should just have come straight home, re-sorted myself and then got on with what I have to now: finish that contract work and get it in the post. Oh well, we all make mistakes. Me too, I made a mistake. Learn from it, forgive self, move on.

[sanmagic7]

Learn from it, forgive self, move on.

sage advice, to yourself and all of us.  you're right, we will make mistakes.  i've often heard that mistakes aren't bad, just learning opportunities.  also, part of being human.

learning when to get into those types of conversations, as well as learning when to get out are just what you said, blueberry - they take practice.  i think it's a process of recognition.  one thing i learned about some of those vents is to tell the other person 'i don't want any advice right now, i'd just like to vent.   maybe later'.  that's helped me a lot to just let it out and then give myself time to re-group and eventually ask, 'ok, do you have any thoughts?'

that way, too, i put the idea into my own mind that those are simply thoughts that belong to another person, and not necessarily need to be followed, or taken to heart.  someone else's opinion, rather than a universal truth.  that kind of thing would stop me in my tracks all too often in the past.

so, way to go, blueberry.  progress and practice rather than perfection.  we're all learning here.  love and hugs.

[Blueberry]

  I finished my contract work and got it into the post in time 

[sanmagic7]

yahoo!     well done!!!  way to go, sweetie.