Book: Reparenting The Child Who Hurts by Caroline Archer & Christine Gordon.

[Hope67]

I've started reading this book: "Reparenting The Child Who Hurts: A Guide to Healing Developmental Trauma and Attachments" by Caroline Archer and Christine Gordon (published 2013).

Just wanted to make a few notes, of things I found personally interesting - and I value any comments or reflections from anyone.

p 60 of book:  "Reparenting the Child Who Hurts: A Guide to Healing Developmental Trauma and Attachments by Caroline Archer & Christine Gordon (2013).

P60 of book
"By school age, children's behaviour can appear highly 'organised' and 'structured' (e.g. Lyons-Ruth et.al. 1999), since they have evolved adaptive survival strategies that confer an illusory sense of control in an otherwise unpredictable and hostile environment."

At a personal level, I really relate to that - I think I ended up 'appearing' to be 'coping' and 'organised' but underneath I was scared, I was unsure, and my home-life felt very chaotic and unsafe. 

The book also says "Children who feel listened to and 'held in mind' by caregivers able to accept and verbalise their deep-seated, unspoken fears, learn to identify and make sense of the chaos of their inner and outer lives."

I don't believe that I was given the opportunity to be 'held in mind' by my FOO - I wasn't able to have my deep-seated unspoken fears accepted or verbalised, and I've kept this 'unspoken' for decades - even now, I can 'write' about my inner world and thoughts and feelings, but I rarely 'speak them out loud' - and if I try to speak them 'out loud' my voice cracks, tears come, and my throat tightens up.  I feel like my body has had to 'hold things in' 'repress them' and it's been a heavy load to carry through my life.

I decided to read this book - because I have no parenting experience of my own (no children) and yet I feel as if I want to learn more on behalf of my inner children, and I would like to understand what they've been through, and how I can help to reparent them as an adult.  So that's partly why I chose this book - although I admit, I gravitate to books on self-help all the time, but I feel that I am ready to process things more now, and to move forward and hopefully continue on a healing path.

Hope 

[Hope67]

I also relate to this section of the book, in Chapter 4, p91 it says "If children 'read' our loving actions as potentially abusive, their responses will be fear-based: expecting danger at every turn.  In this environment children cannot relax, meaning their poorly developed capacity to self-soothe and regulate their emotions is further compromised.  Since they cannot afford to filter out incoming data for fear of missing signs of danger, they frequently experience sensory overload in the mid-storey, limbic, areas and their perceptions become increasingly linked to negative emotional memories.  Processing of fear-based stimuli will continue to take priority.  Consequently, children's only recourse may be to shut down their sensory and emotional systems using the dissociative responses of fight, flight or freeze.  Their behaviour may be typified by anger and aggression, running away, physical or emotional withdrawal, 'going into their own world' or emotionally 'shutting down'."

My own thoughts on this: I relate strongly to this - and believe that as a small child I did 'withdraw' and went into my own world and that I emotionally 'shut down' - I recognise the tendency to dissociate - which has become a vast part of my coping mechanism and response to life events etc.

Hope 

[Hope67]

Chapter 8: Object Permanence and Object Constancy. 
This chapter also resonates with me, and on p141 it says "The clear disparity between children's feelings and responses ('unknown knowns') and their conscious awareness ('known knowns') that people and objects will reappear can be highly confusing and distressing.  This is particularly relevant in respect of even a temporary absence of important people (or objects) int he present because it reflects the absence of adequate caregiving from earlier attachment figures.  In effect any present emotionally charged feeling of loss can trigger powerful feelings of abandonment and loss from the past."

I relate to this, in that I know I was babysat from the age of a small baby to about 18 months, and then taken away from that babysitter - and I suspect I reacted to that loss, as I think that person was a 'good care-giver' - and in addition I know (from my older sister) that she was in the household for approx 3 years, when I was aged 18 months to approx 4 or 5 years, and then 'disappeared' (as she was put in 'care') - so for me, important people in my early life did literally disappear - I am incredibly triggered by any aspects of 'goodbyes' or 'transitions' - and feel an intense EF which is like hitting a core pain of abandonment - I have struggled to understand it previously, but it begins to make more sense to me.  I am sure there are other triggers that cause it, but it is like a primal pain when it hits me. 

Hope 

[Hope67]

This is a helpful paragraph for 're-parenting' - from p.165 "Being open about children's history allows them to process their experiences and make sense of their past.  Over time this reduces their trauma triggers, helping them feel safer and more secure at home and making it easier for them to build secure attachments.  In demonstrating empathy for their struggles we communicate to our children that we are 'there for them', that they are no longer alone and can trust us to help them.  By promoting their healthy dependence on us we move them towards healthy independence."

I think I'll try to use this paragraph in relation to helping my own inner children to feel more understood - because I wish someone had done this for me when I was a small child.  There was a lot of dysfunctional stuff going on in my home - and I am beginning to understand my past better now - and I want to heal some of the pain that I feel as a result of it.

Hope 

[Hope67]

Potential Triggers in this section - this really triggered me a bit, but it is a section I really relate to:

p.169 "For our children, these polarised responses often become their norm.  The loss or transience of their caregivers, the inconsistency, unreliability and emotional volatility of care and the over- or under-stimulation to which they were exposed created a chaotic and potentially overwhelming environment.  There were limited opportunities for our children to gain a sense of order, permanence and constancy on which to build their perceptions and expectations of themselves and others.  If significant people, homes and possessions disappeared or changed inexplicably in the past, seemingly at the drop of a hat, how can they trust that people and things will not do so now?  If their own feelings, behaviours and thinking were not 'joined up' how can they become coherent, connected, confident individuals able to recognise, make sense of, trust and build sound connections with others?"

I relate to that paragraph.

Hope 

[Hope67]

Chapter 11: "It is easier to accept fear as the underlying feeling in children presenting as vulnerable and anxious than in 'bad' (angry, aggressive, destructive, oppositional) youngsters, even more so in 'good' (too-good, caretaking, compliant) ones.  Yet all these children are equally fearful deep down: their behaviours are adaptive, 'trauma-normal' responses to early adversity, usually intra-familial maltreatment.  As in every situation, we should consider children's actions in light of their lived experiences, to make sense of 'now' in terms of 'then'. Our children were raised in chaotic environments where caregivers behaved in 'out of control' ways and provided insufficient opportunities for them to feel safe, have their needs met, recognise and manage their feelings, feel 'in control', make internal and external connections, and form healthy relationships.  Children left feeling isolated, needy, scared and helpless carry with them the perceptions, expectations, and beliefs of the 'scared and hurting child within' when they come home to us.  Their 'scared, hurting child' part may be clearly visible to us or remain for the most part concealed under protective layers of 'bad' or 'good', or volatile moods and behaviours.  Like Matrioshka dolls (painted wooden dolls that 'nest' inside each other), there may be layers of separate states (parts) overlaying each other that become 'available' to our children only in specific circumstances, such as when we ask them to do something, rather than readily through conscious choice."

Later in this chapter it mentions the 'good' children - which I feel I relate to, so I am quoting that part next:
p. 181 "'Acting in', good children tend to ignore or over-ride their own needs and feelings, attempting to control their environment by being 'good' (for example, smiling, being helpful, endeavouring to be obedient, or giving into siblings and peers).  We may only occasionally see the 'scared, hurting child within' or recognise their overwhelming feelings of fear and helplessness and how unlovable they feel."

It goes on to say "...our children's world view that they are only acceptable when they are 'good', yet their deepest, unspoken fear is that if we only knew what they were really like we would reject them."

"Good' children's occasional lapses in 'self-control' reinforce this perspective: since it is the 'scared, hurting and "bad" child within the child' that s actually in control."

This last sentence is connecting with me personally, to my very core - infact I think I need to stop reading now, and take a break and do something 'grounding' because I can feel that my emotions are quite triggered by this.  But I am glad I've been reading about this, and it's making a lot of sense to me.

I wanted to share what I'd read, and wonder if others connect to it too - I am particularly interested in my fear of doing anything that would take me out of my 'comfort zone' - I am so frightened of being 'out of control' and therefore - feel the last sentence quoted is relevant to me.  I need to understand it more, but I am getting somewhere - but I am going to take a break now. 

Hope 

[Contessa]

Xoxox
This looks like a good read! Thank you for sharing Hope

[woodsgnome]

I love the thorough review you're using to introduce the book. It goes against the fairytale I tell myself that I don't need to delve so deeply into what I'll never understand. I once believed that I could more easily dismiss the pain by giving up understanding it. I think I'm learning that I have to give it up, in one sense; but understanding at least part of what happened still matters.

So I remain curious. Part of this I suppose is a desperate wish for validation, that it really wasn't my fault. I've accepted that much, but...it still hurts. I've tried so long and so hard, yet my curiosity still has me wondering. Like you, I ended up with no children myself, but have influenced many in various ways. And still can influence those lost inner children whom I grieve daily. They/I deserve that from the adult me.

Thanks for posting these reflections.

[Kat]

Hope, thanks for sharing.  I'm really intrigued and will look into the book for sure.

One of the things that crossed my mind as I read through your different posts was how I had convinced myself that I was not afraid of anything when I was growing up.  It was only through therapy that I realized I was scared to death just about every day of my childhood and adolescence.  I was one of the "acting in" or "good" children.  I also completely divorced myself from any outward expressions of anger.  I still can't do anger.  I tend to laugh when I'm in fact angry or turn it inward and become depressed.

[Hope67]

@Contessa - thank you for commenting, and yes, I am glad I am reading this book. 

@Woodsgnome - yes, I am also curious - and wanting to establish more understanding of what happened and also the psychological impact of that on me - both in terms of my inner children and my adult self.  I agree with you that 'what happened still matters' and I am also seeking validation - and I resonate so much with your comment 'it still hurts'.  I hope that we can still influence those lost inner children - that reside within us.

@Kat - I remember that my own thoughts about childhood 'as a child' seemed to be that I idealised my childhood from time to time - but I think it was more down to being dissociated and cut-off from my real feelings - and it's interesting to hear that you feel divorced from outward expressions of anger - even now.  I relate to that very much - I wasn't allowed to display certain feelings - and 'acting inward' is the way it ended up being experienced.  I still follow that same path too - although occasionally I am allowing myself to vent some anger - and although it has been scary, it has also been ok...  at least I think so. 

Thanks all of you for your replies - and I am hoping to complete this book soon.

It was written by Caroline Archer (who is an adoptive parent who has worked for many years as an independent consultant in post-adoption support and a therapeutic parent mentor.  Christine Gordon is an adoptive parent with many years' experience working with adoptive and foster families.

Hope 

[Hope67]

Chapter 13: Making Changes, Managing Changes
Within this chapter, this 'training event' exercise and the wording in this paragraph on p 205 resonated with me "Participants were invited to complete a 'wall' of paper bricks on which to write what children need at each stage in their lives: from birth to two years, two to five years, five to ten years and ten years into adolescence.  Working upwards from the earliest stage we explored which bricks were missing or damaged through abuse and neglect.  As we went through this exercise the gaps in the wall became apparent, as did the fragility of the structure: highlighting the impact of early adversity during that period but also at all subsequent stages.  The robustness of a wall is only as good as its structure: cracked or missing bricks create points of vulnerability.  Similarly, children's emotional robustness is only as good as the consistency and evenness of their developmental 'building blocks'."

The chapter goes on to say "Amending the wall tool, to include the foundations, allows us to examine what happened to our children alongside what is happening now.  Feeling how 'wobbly' and unsupported they feel can provide us with a better mind-set to offer the secure base that will allow our children to rebuild their lives."

Hope 

[Resca]

Hi Hope!

I just wanted to thank you, not only for sharing this book but for including your interpretations as it relates to re-parenting yourself. My approach to recovery has been deeply literal these days because I was in such a bad place; I need to be told exactly what to do to reorganize my thoughts and find a sort of "new normal." Your explanations have shown me exactly how those of us with cPTSD can use this book as a tool for recovery, and I so appreciate that. I'm sure others do, as well.

I look forward to reading more from you!

[Hope67]

Hi Resca,
Thanks for your lovely reply - and I appreciate what you said.  I must admit that I gravitate to self-help books, like a moth to a flame, and they have helped me a lot.  This books was good. 

Thanks again for your reply. 
Hope 

[Eyessoblue]

Hi hope, yes I agree with the last comment, it's really good of you to post this on here, it's how I'm feeling too, that hurt inner child is a very big thing, I can visualise a very angry 3 year old me inside me waiting for some kind of explanation but I just can't go to her, not sure what to say or where to start, maybe one day I'll do this, I think it's probably what I really need to do for myself.

[Hope67]

Hi Eyessoblue,
Thanks for your reply here, and I agree with you that the hurt inner child is a very big thing, and having a very angry 3 year old inside you waiting for some kind of explanation is a challenging thing.  I also find it hard to try to connect to my inner wounded selves - but in another book I'm currently reading, by Janina Fisher, there is a section where she mentions "offer a wing" to a young child self - because she suggests that the words evoke non-threatening images.  She said "It is a harmless phrase, describing an action that doesn't require effort or faith, and it conveys both differentiation and protectiveness."  Eyessoblue, I don't know if it would be helpful, but maybe if you see that angry 3 year old, maybe (if you want to) say "Can I offer you a wing" - she might feel something in response to that - as it's non-threatening.  Maybe she will respond - or maybe not, but you can offer that wing another time, and she might approach it.

I am only just beginning to do some of this work myself - using the self-help book - but it has been helpful to me already, and I just wanted to say that, incase it did help you. 

Hope