And here I go.

[karbon]

I've always had great difficulty sharing my life with others. It's why I've pushed myself to come here. To tell someone.

For years I considered my childhood to be standard, even above average as my mother and step-father spent most of my high school and college years lavishing gifts, expensive trips and money on me. It only occurred to me after college, after I moved 1400 miles across the state, because I had this indescribable need to get away, to run but with no concept of what I was running from, that my childhood was not typical - not acceptable. At 27 I am coming to terms that my father was emotionally abusive and neglectful, that he was verbally abusive, and the signs of violence I saw - although never specifically aimed at me - shaped the way I viewed the world as a threat. That my loving mother had a price tag to her love - with narcissistic tendencies that leave me avoidant and constantly re-triggered by her.

I can't trust. I can't connect. It seems to have been drilled out of me and everything I have is spent up. I have nothing possibly left. You would never guess that my inner world feels empty and lacking. I have a wonderful job. I have clients who absolutely adore me, co-workers who admire me, a management team who supports me. I have a year left of my Masters in Clinical Psychology with my company pushing to pay for me to get a second masters in Applied Behavioral Science. I practically own half a Sephora store and spend an hour in the morning before leaving the house, because I use make up like camouflage in gorilla warfare.

I am trying to grasp and figure out what it means to carry a traumatized heart while still feeding and helping it grow. I've seen a therapist twice and am nearly in a frenzy waiting for her to give me the diagnosis of C-PTSD. It's the only disease I've found that I feel explains why my head feels broken all the time. I've never received validation from my FOO for what i've experienced watching my father walk out on us with no warning, knowing I was 13 and still had his birthday present wrapped in my room, that sat undisturbed on a shelf for three months until my mother removed it. I've never been able to figure out why I wasn't worth staying, and how to carry the knowledge that while my biological father hasn't asked about us in over a decade, he continues to work in the same building as my mother.

I've been holding all these scars and bruises on the inside of my organs and bones - and I just want someone else for once, to see them. To know I'm not going crazy, that these demons are real and need to be conquered and that I don't have to do it alone.

[woodsgnome]

Your scars, Karbon, are real, and somehow you've found this place where you can feel free to let all that inside stress flow outward for a change. That's a tall order, but while others in your world may not understand, those who see you here will relate to lots and certainly will empathize with your state of despair.

It's horrible hitting that wall with no place to turn. So welcome-- --and feel free to speak your truth. We may be unlikely fellow travelers, but the people here rank among the most trustworthy, as they've experienced hitting those walls, too.

Your hard time trusting might even carry over, as it does for many (myself for sure). Like yours, trust was stolen from us and seems foreign to our way of being. There is no magic to regaining it, but perhaps you'll find ways which may help you at least feel trusted enough to share that story others in your life can't fathom.

[Elphanigh]

Karbon, I am so glad you have come here and shared your truth. It can be truly difficult to trust for the first time, and just in general after having a FOO that was not healthy.  The people here are some of the most understanding, and compassionate people I have ever known. For me this is a safe space to come and let my truth be heard (this can be seen by the fact I just started my 3rd recovery journal here *sigh* I write a lot) I really hope you find the sane sense of community and compassion here.

I particularly love the last bit of your post:

I've been holding all these scars and bruises on the inside of my organs and bones - and I just want someone else for once, to see them. To know I'm not going crazy, that these demons are real and need to be conquered and that I don't have to do it alone.

I see you scars and bruises, and send you all the warmth and healing I can to start working on those wounds. They are real and important, and I see them.  In this place we truly are not alone

[Kizzie]

Hi and a very warm welcome to OOTS Karbon    You are most welcome here and hopefully in the sharing of what you've been through and are going through you will find validation, support and comfort and continue to move forward in recovery.  It sounds like you are already practicing a lot of self-care and trust in self by moving away, finding a T, and making your way here      and