C.'s Journal - Poetry & Prose from a Pomegranate Heart

[C.]

I just re-read the description of a journal on here and noticed it's suggested to have one thread with my journal so I will do so from here on out.  I wrote a poem about two weeks ago and it seems time to post here:

The Snap


My emotions were inside the candy cane
Many, many years of adding layers of sugar, flavor and colors
First by my parents, then myself, my husband and others
   
Sometimes little holes where sweet steam escaped
In fear, irritation and anger

And I sucked on the candy cane and called it life and joy

Until the day my husband stopped by snapping it in half
and leaving candy counter...

So all of the pain, the grief, the anger, the fear and even a manic type joy burst into the world
They had been captured inside the sweetness
Unaware, unregulated, but free

Messy
The syrup covered everything
The colors and the flavors mixed

But I separated them and began to truly taste

And I start a new, healthier recipe
Gradually separating & identifying the colors, the flavors
Sadness, nobility, empowered, anger, irritation, joy, serenity, surprise...

Like strawberries, pomegranates and chocolate
Popcorn, pecans, potatoes and tamales
Even sardines, oysters, and tacos de lengua

And so I learn to take the emotions with the experiences
Give them names
Experience the taste
And health
And healing
Of my new table setting
Of my new life

[schrödinger's cat]

I had to read that a few times to understand the imagery (sorry, I've been rather tired and sluggish these past few days). It's a good metaphor for the kind of euphemistic excuses we tend to have inside of us, things we were encouraged to think about what our life used to be like. Sugary sweet and sticky, and of course candy canes are rather bland, when you think of it - there's no real taste to them, just artificial flavours... and then that breaks down and releases all the truth that was trapped inside of it. I like the image, and the ending too.

[C.]

Thanks Cat.  I hadn't thought about the candy cane tastes, but your right, never have cared for them much

[schrödinger's cat]

That's what's funny about metaphors - they're like suitcases you can unpack. So while you're writing them, you just toss them into your text because they feel right, and then later you look at them again and realize that they're expressing more than you realized at the time. Our subconscious knows best, sometimes. I read your poem again today, and I still think a candy cane is an awesome metaphor for white-washing and denial and euphemisms.   

[C.]

Well said Cat...great "food" for thought on what we say and write haha

[C.]

My parents said my old nickname now I dislike that name...
My recent unpleasant boss said my next name w/irritation, now I dislike the name...
My most recent name feels more like me, the distance I need, until I can trust that you'll respect my name...
But really no name seems to fit right now...   

So I created this poem out of the experience around my name.  In USA culture people obsess over knowing one another's name.  I've heard that in other cultures the name isn't given so much weight.  I've come to feel protective of my name, like I've begun to use a formal version to say w/new people, then another for those who've earned the trust...and they have to go back to the old one if they breach that trust.

Don't Say My Name

Don't say my name
You don't have permission
I heard a disparaging tone
So stop

My name can only be said
With a loving tone
With kindness

No sarcasm
No irritated inflections
No syllabic EM phasis
That grate the ear

And I'll do the same

Your name is sacred
My name is sacred
Hold it inside with warmth
Release it with love

Or give it back to me
It's mine
Not yours
It's ME

And I'll do the same

Your name is sacred
My name is sacred
Hold it inside with warmth
Release it with love

Or I will take it back
It's mine
Not yours
It's ME

Perhaps it's best we wait
To say my name
To say your name

Just call me
Friend, sister, mom
Or Stranger...
Teacher, Ms., Boss
Or Enemy...
Artist, scientist, Prairie Lioness Heart
Or Monster...
Virtuous, Servant, Honesty
Or Sinister...


...For your name is Sacred

My name is Sacred

Hold it inside with Warmth

Release it, when ready,

With Love

[C.]

Processing my most recent abandonment

Him

What did he take?
What did he not take?

He took my trust
He took my fidelity
He took my love
He took my heart
He took my youth
He took my opportunity
      For a meaningful career
      For a healthy marital relationship
      To be a stay-at-home mom
      To live abroad
      To be free of material attachments
      To speak Spanish
      To learn Spanish
He took my bright colors
Exchanging them for black and grey and brown
He took dance and music and piano
He took the truth
Then fed me lies
Disguised as truth
     To always agree in public
     That sharing a bed w/his daughter was normal
     That insults and anger are part of the package
     That parenting without boundaries wasn't spoiling
     That everyone else is a bit stupid
     That as a therapist, he's best with emotions
           And just a little more sane than the rest
     That everyone feels attracted to others
     That wants are needs and needs
           are just wants
He took and he took
He lied and he lied
Saying
This is NORMAL
This IS normal
THIS is normal

He took my heart and ate it up
Then, twenty years later he spit it out
Saying it tasted horrible

What did he take?
What did he not take?

[Sandals]

  I get that, entirely. The taking and taking...and then I question myself on how much I gave, and whether his taking was my giving. It can really mess with my head.

But here's what I try to remember to bring back sanity and hope: he couldn't give what he didn't have, because he wasn't whole. And his lack of wholeness, his lack overall, is what led to all of that taking. Because he didn't think he was good enough, he had to find those things outside of the marriage and he had to find fault with me to justify it and make him feel that he wasn't in the wrong.

Until he does the work himself, he won't see that. But now I have the opportunity, the gift, to do my own work and to fill my own holes. And if he hadn't done those things, chances are that I would have stayed stuck there.

So while I'll never thank him for hurting me, I am thankful for this gift of freedom and clarity to improve who I am.

[C.]

Thank you Sandals.  I can tell that you understand my experience.  I know what you mean intellectually and I understand on both a mind and spiritual level.  But when I see him due to co-parenting it's the emotions that seem to bubble up again.  That's why I wrote the poem...

And I know what you mean, I think about my previous life and I'm glad not to be living in denial and a false reality w/friends who weren't appropriate.  I realized the regret from my marriage seems to be the biggest hurdle for me.  And I want to get over that hurdle but I'm struggling trying to figure out how to do so authentically.  I think patience and time and allowing my process, but I feel impatient today...

[Whobuddy]

 

Hoping that in time you can take back anything and everything that you want to have. And it will be better without him.

[Sandals]

  It's the freshest wound on top of very old wounds, so it makes sense to me that you would feel that way. I'm just getting to the point where I can see him and not lapse back into those emotions, and it's definitely not consistent. You are taking the time to heal which means working through all those painful emotions instead of ignoring them.

My ex posted a profile on match.com, six months after the split, where he claimed he had been separated for a year right after he said that honesty was his primary quality. It's pretty laughable in hindsight, but certainly didn't feel that way at the time. He also used photos from an anniversary and Christmas that we were together...so obviously he didn't have quite the same association with them that I did. I believe that he's just going through the motions and not even in a relationship with himself, and he'll never truly be in a real relationship with someone else until he can do that. I'm glad I can see that and equally glad that I can tell myself it's not mine to fix.

As you know, it's now about being on the same page from a coparenting perspective. I've been able to bring some of the stuff I'm learning about me to my kids. It's healing for them, too, and he can see that. I know you'll do the same.

Be gentle and kind with yourself, and recognize that the hurt is an echo of things from the past. As you heal little C, you will also start to feel stronger here, but for now it's about compassion and love for yourself, especially when the pain is heavier. Accepting the pain, letting it know it's okay to be there, and giving yourself a strong dose of love after.

[Annegirl]

These poems are all so Beautiful, so deep, touching and inspirational.
Thank you for writing them on here.  <3

[C.]

Thank you for your kind responses Sandals, Whobuddy and Annegirl.

I would say that I have taken back some of the things...at my age it's just hard for me sometimes to avoid regret...to have that peace and acceptance.  That is so kind to wish all of those things for me and better without him.  I will remember that.

I've been trying to find the anger for my ex in order to push past it and move on to forgiveness and understanding.  I love writing poetry for some reason.  Always have.  I like logic and efficiency.  On the other side I love art and emotion.  Poetry seems to bring all of that together for me..  I'm glad that you find it inspiring Annegirl.

I've had times where I've felt love for my own soul.  I want that again and I'm working towards it.  It's encouraging to know that will happen and to be reminded to be compassionate with myself.  I needed that Sandals.

[C.]

PTSD

Aha - I get it.  I was watching the walking dead and the script described PTSD as when the same grief keeps happening over and over and over again.  When the same pain happens over and over and over again.  That's it.  That's why my divorce sometimes feels like 52 first break ups instead of 52 first dates.  Abandoned emotionally over and over and over again.  But that's the PTSD pathways in my brain.  They were created as a child and re-opened with my divorce. 

But now I'm learning to send my thoughts down another path.  When I see the trauma path I choose to not walk there, not re-experience the pain.  It feels the same.  But, that's my brain tricking me.  The feeling is not the current experience.  They are different.  And I must feel and respond to the current experience.

Pain exists.  It happens and will happen again.  But not the same pain in the same way.  Not if I'm conscious and aware.

"Two roads diverged in a yellow wood
And I
I took the one less traveled by
And that has made all the difference"

...Robert Frost

Gratitude

I feel so grateful for all that's led me to this understanding.  My dream of Faith last night.  Faith that he will visit me.  I saw it. I felt it.  His desire and intent is real and true.  He taught me about the first dates and I realized the parallel to "first" break ups.

I heard the script and understood how they apply to me.

I felt all of the therapy, all of the wisdom from deep inside that led me to understand.

The conversation with my friend and "client" last night about grief.

Tears flow.  I feel relief.

It's not over.  It can never be entirely over.  It's a part of me.  But, I can put a gate across the pathway.  I can, mostly, control that walk and choose the other path.  On sunny days it will be easier.  On days with refreshing rains it will be easier.  On stormy days the gate might blow open.  I might feel myself being blown towards or down that familiar path.  But storms pass.  They always do.  So I can weather them and have Faith too.

[C.]

my daughter stayed w me for two days over the new year.  I think that is the most i have had her around for quite some time.  we had a nice talk where i was able to explain that i do not want to speak ill of her father, but that as her mother and in parenting her that could include conversations about him in order to help her.  she heard me and did not get defensive like she has in the past.  she even said she has been feeling angry w him, something a loooong time coming...i let her know thats ok and normal and sometimes we need anger to get us further down the road of growth and healing.  again, she listened...phew!!!!

i miss my BF a lot, but he writes nearly every day via email and tells me he misses me, looks forward to seeing me, thinking of me and will be state side soon. 

plus my counselor is completely unavailable for a week

plus my boss seems to think its fine to schedule me all weekend days every week forever, grrr!!!

but in spite of these challenges i feel ok, like bothered, irritated, mildly unhappy, but then the next thought is that it will get better, tomorrow is another day and i just do not have the feelings so BIG.  what a relief!!!