Need to move away and start over, feeing paralysed

radical · January 22, 2018, 05:42:59 AM

Don't know how to start this with so many different parts of what I want to say swirling around.

A while ago, things were going great and I believed that despite the fallout from calling out abuse and being mobbed, in a pretty small, gossipy place, I could repair some relationships and ride out the worst of the fallout. I felt positive and I was taking bold and positive action. Then something awful happened.

I couldn't discuss it here then or now, because there was no way I could do so without potentially identifying myself, and outing a very tricky ethical situation, which would have had a negative impact on some people who didn't deserve that kind of grief, (including me).

I stuck it out trying to find a solution in a horrible situation. It took a big toll on me and my confidence. Again, I was trapped and being bullied. I couldn't have believed the * I was subjected to. I find it hard to believe that this could have happened just as I was getting back on my feet. It has been hard to not see it as being about some fatal flaw, in me and evidence that things will never get better.

I walked away because there was no solution that didn't involve lawyers and the potential for even greater harm. Also, that route would cost me dearly, not just financially but in time I can't afford.

It was unfair and that's hard to swallow. I had the misfortune to have gotten caught in the middle of something. But now I know I have to leave my home in order to be able to start again. I love where I live, and have a strong sense of place and of home. And I can't seem to take the actions I need too take. A horrible paralysis has set in. I know it is because I'm afraid and I don't want to go, and equally, I know I need to go.

I feel hurt and alone and so afraid of letting go of the place I love and the security this place gives me. I don't feel the confidence to take this leap into the unknown. All of this has settled into a kind of paralysed depression.

Contessa · January 22, 2018, 07:53:46 AM

Oh goodness Rad. I know how horrible this has been for you, and am sad that you have to leave a place you love to find safety.
Can you take a breather for a bit? Just be in your safe place for a while before making any decisions?

Blueberry · January 22, 2018, 11:03:20 AM

and otherwise I echo Contessa.

Dee · January 22, 2018, 09:22:51 PM

You are a strong person. You can do what you have to do. Whatever that may turn out to be.

radical · January 22, 2018, 09:48:03 PM

Thanks for your support, Contessa, Blueberry,and Dee.

This isn't an impulse. I decided a few months ago. There isn't any way of looking at this that doesn't say this is the best decision for my future. If there was another option that was viable, I'd be staying.

Wish it wasn't so.

Three Roses · January 22, 2018, 09:55:03 PM

Dear radical, I'm so sorry that you must leave that place. But, I know you know exactly what you must do and so I offer no advice - only that I've had to leave (for different reasons) a place I loved but now live somewhere I love even better.

Contessa · January 22, 2018, 10:42:04 PM

Okay then. I echo the same sentiment as Three Roses. No matter where you go, we'll be there with you.

Dee · January 23, 2018, 12:48:55 AM

So you know, you are not alone in this. We will be here for the entire way!

woodsgnome · January 25, 2018, 04:07:52 AM

Transitions, especially following other transitions that seemed so safe and logical, scare me as well. Even transitioning from reading a post like yours to responding to it. I want to stretch to reach the perfect way to express this and forget one detail--I'm far from perfect; but retain the old fear that only by being perfect will it mean anything.

Your transition is a rattling fear of mine, too--I found a safe spot, but found out that's an illusion...at least in that frustrating sense of yes, it's felt safe but far from the perfect safe I though. Still this place I've landed in speaks to me, I'm used to it, and having to upend it like you're doing would be an extreme challenge.

So my perfect sharing comes down to trusting you're going to be fine with your transition. We always want fine to be easy--that seems to happen but usually only after discarding expectations about how or why things should go a certain way.

I like reading tales of exploration. After the fact, the bold explorers who seemed so brave were anything but. They only barely survived; usually not resembling their bold expectations. No perfection there; only in the stories told of them afterwards by others. Deep down their bravery turned out to more chutzpah than boldness. Fear played its role at every turn, and rarely per expectations and/or the best intentions or planning.

So I hope you find that inner light of yours which seems apparent to those of us you've shared your story with. It's too easy for us to be spectators now; I know this sounds trite, but we're with your every step as you undertake this transition.

Rainagain · January 25, 2018, 10:37:42 AM

Hi

My response can't be as thoughtful as woodsgnome but I wanted to say that I moved country to escape my stress and it has helped despite all the difficulties and upheaval.

Could you take a break away from it for at least a few days to see the situation from the outside? I did that and it helped to firm up my resolve.

I am wishing you the strength to do what you need to do.