Acknowledging different 'parts' of me/my personality

[Hope67]

I'm not sure where to post this, hence putting it in 'general discussion' - but I've been thinking about myself and how I perceive my own personality, and acknowledging that there are 'different' parts of me, that almost make me think of a dissociated set of 'characters' - i.e. there's the 'strong' part that I think helped me to cope with the dysfunctional nature of my childhood and getting through different stages in life.  There is also a very fragile part, which makes me wonder 'how' I cope with things, and puts doubt in my mind as to whether I 'can' cope.  There's a part that never wants me to be 'out of control' - and seems like she prevents me from exploring certain things - preferring to keep me 'safe' and there's an 'out of control' part of me, that might say - 'Go on, have that alcohol or over-eat or stay up excessively late'.  That latter part of me rarely gets control, as I'm 'too scared' to lose control, or feel that I might be out of control.

I was talking to my partner yesterday about how I feel that I was 'strong' to have coped with my childhood, and that I didn't fight them, I was passive and didn't want to disrupt the status quo - unlike my sister who fought our parents, and was ejected from the family as a result of that.  He said he was surprised to hear me talk of being 'strong' in that circumstance, as he was able to matter-of-factly say that my sister's circumstances were different to my own - she was essentially brought up by her Grand-parents for the first few years of her life - hence being returned to my parents when she was about 9 years old, that would have been difficult - I was with them the whole time.

Actually I'm surprised where I've ended up - in terms of writing this, I wasn't intending to write about my sister in this thread, but I have.  So I'll leave it there.

I know that I relate to those films about Dissociative Identity - like the film 'Sybil' and others like that - I've always been fascinated by how people 'are' - the parts of themselves they 'show' to others in different situations - and the sides of themselves they keep back/hidden. 

I just wanted to write about it, and see if anyone relates, and just share my thoughts/feelings about it for a bit.  So thanks for reading this, and it was good to write about it.

Hope 

[Hope67]

SanMagic7 replied to me and said this:
"hey, hope,

glad you found it a good thing to write about this.  it interested me because as i'm discovering different emotions within myself, and now this dissociation stuff that i wasn't totally conscious of, i, too, see different parts of me.  certainly the strong me who has kept me alive and going all this time, but now the fearful me, and the needy me have cropped up, two parts of me that i've never consciously either been aware of or haven't given credence to.

i hesitate to compare myself to 'sybil', tho.  on the other hand, now that i'm thinking about it, i've also got a very outgoing social me, and, at times, a very quiet, almost introverted me.  i've also seen myself disappear and become a very gray personality, totally unlike the person i normally show to others.

some of these have come out without me purposely thinking 'this is how i need to be in such and such a situation'.   i've been over the top and under the radar, nearly invisible at times.  most people who know me would describe me as very outgoing, personable, and social, but i've been a shrinking violet at times without really knowing why, literally shrinking away from a situation, refusing to be part of it.

hmmm . . .  i guess it's all parts of me that have had their purposes along the way, altho the gray personality caused me to do badly on a job interview, and i didn't consciously want that to happen.  well, hope, you brought up all kinds of new stuff for me to accept.   i don't have the energy to explore this avenue, but it did feel good to just get it out there.   it also felt weird to consciously express it.  more pieces to this puzzle.    thanks, and a big hug to you. "

[Hope67]

Dee replied and said this:
"I'm a lot like that as well.  When  I was in the hospital it was observed.  In the end I was told it was a part of the dissociative spectrum.  I was also told I have different ego states.  This isn't DID, but it is dissociation.  They said it was Not Otherwise Specified, but when I got home my therapist rejected that.  She said it is covered in CPTSD.

It really bothered me for awhile.  Then I finally understood we all have different ego states to some extent.  For some of us it is more pronounced and allowed us to survive.  There is nothing wrong with that."

[Hope67]

Eyessoblue replied and said this:

"Hi hope, I was really interested to read your post as I too of late have been thinking about this, I have so many different personalities I actually am not sure which one I am, I seem to adapt them for where I'm going or who I'm seeing etc, I do find it difficult to know who or what the real me is all about, maybe I'll discover me one day but at the moment I'm just feeling a bit lost in life."

[Hope67]

I've just copied and pasted the replies I had to this post from the old Forum to the new one - as I didn't want to lose them, and thank you so much for replying - your replies have been really validating, and I waited till we're on the new forum before replying - and I'm glad to have the opportunity to reply:

Sanmagic7 - you described the 'different me's' that you encounter and that all the parts you've noticed in yourself have their purposes along the way.  Like they have a function and a purpose and I relate to that.  I was also interested to hear you say that it "felt weird to consciously express it" - I relate to that too - it took me a while to broach the subject, but I knew that films like Sybil had made me 'sit up' and 'take notice' because I related to the idea that there can be different parts of a pscyhe - and I felt it matched some of my experiences/thoughts/feelings.

Dee - your reply was so helpful in terms of hearing that it's a 'part of dissociative spectrum' as you've helped me to know where to put this post - now it's in the new forum, and I saw that SanMagic7 also spoke of dissociation too - so I've placed it in this section now.  I really like what you said about having different ego states and that they 'allowed us to survive' and 'there's nothing wrong with that' - it is comforting to think that, for me, and I appreciate your reply very much.  Thank you.

Eyessoblue - Thank you for replying and for sharing your experience of this, and I relate to what you're saying about finding it difficult to know who or what is the real 'me' (sense of self etc) - I also feel 'lost' sometimes, and actually a bit confused about who 'I' am - but maybe over time it might become less confusing and that's what I hope for. 

I am thankful that this post is still here, and I've managed to copy it over safely, because I really appreciate the great replies and I feel better for talking about this and sharing my thoughts on it.

Hope 

[Whobuddy]

I am glad you wrote and 'rescued' this thread. I relate to what you are saying very much.

I received a lot of help from the book, Healing fhe Fragmented Selves of Trauma Survivors by Janina Fisher. She is a therapist who uses a 'parts' model to help people. She discusses the 'switching' way of fragmentation like with Sybil but also the way that I identify with which she calls 'blending' where you don't switch personalities and lose memory of those times but rather you become engulfed in the emotions of that 'part.'

Her book helped me to recognize my adult 'part' which I didn't think I really had. She calls it our 'going on with normal life part' and everyone has this to some extent. It is the part that goes to work, pays bills, goes to dr. appts, etc. So I was able to see that I have that part even though it feels rather fake most of the time. So I have been using that adult part to send comfort and compassion to my wounded parts. This has helped me greatly because I had been feeling so fragmented but I had never really understood it. Therapists said it was just facets of personality but I knew it was more.

So I really recommend this book if you feel like I do about having 'parts'.

[Three Roses]

Becoming aware of the extent of my past abuse trauma has led me to recognizing that there are several different "ways of being" that I use, to address different situations. Learning about CPTSD and the inner children concept has allowed me to consciously call on those aspects for when I need them - the inner Angry Teen for difficult situations, or a younger version for a patient "me". I no longer feel i always have to be one way, and that the others are somehow wrong or bad. I am comfortable now being multi-faceted.

[sanmagic7]

i like the idea of being 'multi-faceted' 3 roses.  that's more what it feels like to me.  i remember when the different facets show themselves, so it's not like a  'split' personality thing. 

i don't think it's a bad idea to be multi-faceted.  we are faced with so many different kinds and types of situations and people that i think we need to utilize various personalities in dealing with them.  i don't act the same way in a job interview than when i'm playing a game with friends or when i'm working with a client. 

some of this has come about with experience and time, tho, that i've been able to become more comfortable with most of my prsonality parts.  some, however, i don't understand, and just show up for some reason or another thru no conscious will of my own.  i don't know why that is.  especially that 'gray' lady that is devoid of all personality.  don't know where she comes from or why, exactly.  still, she's there at times, and i just accept her, too. 

[Hope67]

Hi Whobuddy - I found your reply really helpful, and I'm glad you related to the thread - and I like your word 'blending' to refer to the experience of the various emotions within a particular part or parts.  I will look for that book you mentioned, as it sounds really interesting, and I think it would be helpful to me - thank you!

Hi Three Roses - I like your description of 'ways of being' and it's great to hear that you are "comfortable now being multi-faceted' - that makes you sound like a lovely diamond to me - all different facets and sparkly parts and also some inner depth (just sharing the 'picture' that was conjured up in my mind when you said that) - I realise it may be completely different to the concept you meant.  But I like it.  Thank you.

SanMagic - I agree that it doesn't sound like a bad idea at all to be 'multi-faceted' - I guess it makes us more interesting as people - and you mentioned your 'grey lady' - 'the woman in grey' - I haven't yet conceptualised my different parts in that way - I am recognising more of them these days though - and realising how they have each helped me to cope with different situations - and I have recognised the part of me that is the 'adult part' (which Whobuddy mentioned) - and I'm grateful to that part for helping me to 'live life' in a sensible way - paying bills, eating, etc.

I am glad to be 'acknowledging different 'parts' of me/my personality - rather than not being so aware of them (as was once the case when I felt 'blind' to those aspects).  It gives me chance to feel more 'in control' of my life and my destiny or path.  I can make choices.  That feels liberating somehow.  I guess I feel a bit more positive today.  Good start to the day.  I hope it continues!

Hope 

[Three Roses]

that makes you sound like a lovely diamond to me - all different facets and sparkly parts and also some inner depth

This goes for you, too. I hope you can catch at least a glimpse of yourself in this way. 

[Hope67]

Thank you Three Roses.   

[woodsgnome]

I've been concerned, too, with how I can easily dissociate. At our first meeting a couple of years ago, my T recalls how she wrote in her notes wondering if I was schizophrenic/multiple personality. After the second visit--she decided no way was I schizophrenic; that I was a complete package, but my 'flow' was easily subject to frequent and/or sudden dissociation patterns.

So I think it's nothing highly unusual to feel this way on occasion. When i began learning more about this and caught myself doing it, my T reminded me that dissociation is a natural result of traumatic incidents, and nothing to overtly worry about. She actually enjoyed the fact that I caught myself falling into dissociative patterns.

Hope 67 began this tread by noting: "I've always been fascinated by how people 'are' - the parts of themselves they 'show' to others in different situations - and the sides of themselves they keep back/hidden."

Indeed, it seems like many of exhibit chameleon-like behaviours at time, especially around strangers. Or at least I am--I'm wary of everyone, but also sadly know why (trauma). So it's helped to read these sorts of discussions here. Thanks for starting this one, Hope 67. 
 

[songbirdrosa]

Thanks for reposting this Hope, it really resonated with me.

When I was younger I thought I had no personality at all, so I created different characters and would 'play' them when the situation called for it. I gave them all names, they had different ways of dressing, I even imagined what their faces would look like. It was quite elaborate, to say the least. I think it's what Whobuddy said about "blending" but taken a step or two further. It wasn't DID because I was aware that I was doing it, but thinking back now it's clear I was dissociating a lot.

Even today, I'm still unsure of who I am. Having lived with the trauma for my whole life the line between what's a symptom and what's "me" is virtually non-existent. But I'm working on finding out the difference.

Thanks again, I didn't think to bring this up with my psychologist until now

[Hope67]

Hi Woodsgnome - I am so glad you related to this post, and I have to say that I relate to things you've written - especially about 'chameleon-like behaviours, especially around strangers' - I still can't work out 'who I am' when around people I've just met - sometimes I think I'm able to 'feel what their personality is like' - i.e. I feel 'comfortable' or 'inherently uncomfortable' around them or around their space, and I wonder which part of me is able to deduce those things - but it's a very 'felt sense' that seems to be involved.  I remain 'wary' of people though - 'just incase'. 

Hi Songbirdrosa - I am glad that this post also resonated with you, and that you came over to contribute - and having all your different characters that you created as a child, which you then 'played' for when the situation called for it.  Being aware of doing it.  That resonated with me as well.

I like the word 'resonate' - there's something about it - feels comfortable somehow. 

Anyway, thank you both for contributing - I value your replies and I am so glad I managed to repost this thread - as I am looking forward to trying to learn more about the different parts of me, and work out who 'I' am.  I hope your session with your Psychologist goes well, Songbirdrosa. 

Hope 

[DecimalRocket]

Hi Hope. It reminds me of a therapy called Voice Dialogue I still do sometimes, where you take different parts of yourself like "The Playful Child" or "The Angry One" and just imagine what would these separate parts say on their own.

Here's a list of questions psychologist John Rowan uses to talk to these separate personalities of ourselves.

What do you look like?
How old are you?
What situations bring you out?
What is your approach to the world?
What is your basic motive for being there?
What do you want?
What do you need?
What have you got to offer?
What are your blocks to full functioning?
Where did you come from?
When did you first meet (name of person)? What was going on?
What would happen if you took over permanently?
What helps you to grow?
How do you relate to women/men/children?

Taken from here (https://scottjeffrey.com/archetypes-psychology/)