Acknowledging different 'parts' of me/my personality

[Whobuddy]

Thanks for reposting this Hope, it really resonated with me.

When I was younger I thought I had no personality at all, so I created different characters and would 'play' them when the situation called for it. I gave them all names, they had different ways of dressing, I even imagined what their faces would look like. It was quite elaborate, to say the least. I think it's what Whobuddy said about "blending" but taken a step or two further. It wasn't DID because I was aware that I was doing it, but thinking back now it's clear I was dissociating a lot.

Even today, I'm still unsure of who I am. Having lived with the trauma for my whole life the line between what's a symptom and what's "me" is virtually non-existent. But I'm working on finding out the difference.

Thanks again, I didn't think to bring this up with my psychologist until now

The word 'resonated' is one of my favorites, too. It is a word I use to try and figure out who I am.

I identify with thinking you didn't have a personality as a child. I was so unwanted and unaccepted in my family, I pretty much did anything I thought they might want me to do trying to get them to like me. One summer when I was about 4, I was a dog so that my sister would play with me.

DecimalRocket, that is an interesting list of questions. Do you think they are useful if the 'parts' aren't fully separate personalities?

The things I talk to my 'parts' about are what they are feeling and then I try to be the adult 'part' and offer comfort and acceptance to them.

Hope67, did you get your book yet? I can't wait to hear what you think about it.

[DecimalRocket]

@Whobuddy

Well, I wouldn't call myself an expert on it, but yes, these questions can be helpful when these parts aren't fully separated either. Especially when you need an idea on how your "whole"personality is or how these parts combine into one.

[Hope67]

Hi Decimal Rocket - thank you so much for posting those questions - they are useful - I was thinking about some of them last night at one point when I was awake early.  I really appreciate you posting them.   

Hi WhoBuddy - I have got the book now, and I've opened a new thread in the 'Book section' and mentioned you there, so here is the link - oh now, I've lost the link already - thought I'd copied and pasted it, but I had difficulty logging in and must have lost it - but just go to the 'Book section' part and you'll see my post there, with my initial thoughts already written.  I am excited about that book - and am so grateful to you for recommending it.  Even reading through the 'Acknowledgements' part which describes the author's experiences and the people she's worked with  - so many really great experts in Trauma - her writing style, it really fills me with a lot of hope for the content of the book.

I am going to probably work relatively slowly through it - because I've had a few triggering things going on this week, and that's slowing my ability to process - but I am keen to read more, and I look forward to it.

I hope you'll maybe join me in that thread - to discuss your thoughts too - and that others will join us, because that's what makes it so helpful and validating to share our experiences. 

Hope 

[Billy Pilgrim]

Hello Hope67,

Dissociation has been on my mind a lot, lately. I can identify six distincly different personas in me. I have given names to them: Mr. Perfect, Frightened Child, Desperate Teenager, Protector, Fighter and The Man I Could Have Been And Would Like To Be Always. Long name, that last one  , but I am afraid he doesn't see the light of day a lot, these days 

Anyways, the differences are significant. Mr. Perfect is active at work, at the Gym and in patient situations. He doesn't get depressed and doesn't have tics, either. This has delayed correct diagnosis for a long time, since I'll invariably appear to be just fine, sitting in front of a doctor. Never got a Tourette diagnosis, though I constantly have tics when I am not Mr Perfect  Anyways, I defined all six personas for my therapist, and it became clear to me that each and every one of them had developed as a defense mechanism, as a means to keep me alive. So, even though I still keep that weird long name for who I would love to be at all times, I know he wouldn't have lasted to adulthood without the help of the others. So here's a group hug for all our different personas: 

[Whobuddy]

Love the group hug, Billy Pilgrim! Thank you.

I will try to follow the book study, it is difficult ground to write about on a forum, at least for me.

[Dee]

Welcome Billy.

I also have different me-s.  I have been told I have different ego states.  Yes, it is a coping mechanism.

[Hope67]

Welcome Billy Pilgrim,
I can see that you've identified the different parts of you, and I love your group hug for all of all our different personas  and I like your description of them as a 'coping mechanism' (and see that Dee also describes it that way too) - I relate to that very much.

This forum is such a validating and helpful place to me, and I hope you'll find it the same way, Billy.

Whobuddy - I think I agree with you that it could be difficult to write about the book study aspect - but I have opened up a thread there, and I did mention you, as it was you who inspired me to get the book, and I really thank you for that, and I hope you'll pop in there as and when you want to.

I have found that the last few nights I've been getting more in touch with some very 'raw' parts of my self - in that I remember feelings I used to have as a small child, and then small sparks of memory are coming back - the only difficulty of that is that when I wake up, I have forgotten to write down the details - and I lose them during the light of day.  I think I need to keep more of a diary to capture those reflections, because in the depth of night, I feel as if a 'Key has turned' and it's like an 'insight' - but somehow the depth and content has gone when I try to recall it the next day. 

Hope 

[Whobuddy]

 I think I need to keep more of a diary to capture those reflections, because in the depth of night, I feel as if a 'Key has turned' and it's like an 'insight' - but somehow the depth and content has gone when I try to recall it the next day. 
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I feel the same way. I have been working on recovering from my past for over a decade now and this book has been the biggest help to me yet. Saying that, it might be a result of everything I have done so far and this book just came at the right time to be a very helpful next step. I will try to post on the book study thread. Just some things I need to arrange in my head first to get ready for revealing more of myself.

[Hope67]

Hi WhoBuddy,
I agree that it's important to only share what you feel comfortable sharing - so even though I mentioned your name in the 'Book thread' and said you might contribute -  I want to explain that I only did that, because you had written in my journal once that you wanted to share some things about how the book had made you feel, and so I then wrote enthusiastically in the Book thread about maybe that you'd like to contribute there, but there's a part of me that has wondered if I should have said that, as maybe you then might feel some pressure to contribute - and maybe might not feel ready - I am just speaking aloud with regard so some of the thoughts that went through my head, as I am always second-guessing and feeling as if I've 'said the wrong thing' - and that is an annoying trait in myself, but one that I recognise is directly down to my affiliation with the label of complex PTSD.  I've not been officially diagnosed with that label, or indeed any 'label' - but I do gravitate to all the literature about 'complex PTSD' 'dissociation' 'different 'parts' of me' - all those things.

Even now I've just written that, I get my inner critic telling me - 'shut up' 'stop it' - but thankfully I tend to ride past it, because if I didn't - I'd end up not saying anything, and I think being silenced by the inner critic isn't helpful to me.

I really appreciate the fact you and everyone who's contributed in this thread, and in the forum generally are here, because it does feel so supportive.

I'm glad you relate to the things I said about night-time and finding and then potentially losing the content of 'insights' etc.  I remember feeling really 'tuned in' at the time - and literally it's only been so intense since starting the book, but again, it could be as you say, that we're at a point in our individual journeys when insights are coming - and making themselves known.  I hope so.

Hope 

[Billy Pilgrim]

Thanks to everybody who commented - and commented kindly - on my two cents above. I am impressed already but how careful people are not to give offense. I wish it were like that on the "outside", too! Years back I used to review cds on British Amazon. Had about 400 reviews posted - then I started to read people's comments  Took me an afternoon to delete all reviews, since you have to do it one at a time...

Whobuddy - would you let me know which book it is you are referring to? I am always on the lookout for new perspectives and approaches.

[Whobuddy]

"Whobuddy - would you let me know which book it is you are referring to? I am always on the lookout for new perspectives and approaches."
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Gladly, Billy Pilgrim. I like your 'name' btw. The book is called Healing The Fragmented Selves of Trauma Survivors by Janina Fisher.

"Even now I've just written that, I get my inner critic telling me - 'shut up' 'stop it' - but thankfully I tend to ride past it, because if I didn't - I'd end up not saying anything, and I think being silenced by the inner critic isn't helpful to me."
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Hope, I am so happy that you know how to shut up your annoying critic! That is so powerful. Concerning my concerns, do not worry. I will tread as cautiously as I need to but I definitely want to be involved in discussions about the book. I am new to sharing much about myself here although I have been a member much longer than most. I am sensing that the time is coming to share my 'story' with more than just my therapist and a few close friends. Sharing our stories helps us heal and helps others, too. This revelation in itself is major progress for me.

[Billy Pilgrim]

Hello again, Whobuddy,

The book looks very promising and I added it to my Amazon shopping cart already :-) Thank you for that!

As for my name: I am afraid I "borrowed" it, from Kurt Vonnegut's novel "Slaughterhouse 5". Vonnegut was traumatized during WW2 and the novel appears to be an attempt at dealing with that trauma. After the introduction, the narrative starts with the words "Listen: Billy Pilgrim has come unstuck in time". It then goes on to describe how Billy is continously stressed out, because he never knows in advance which part of his life he will have to re-live next. While this is depicted as actual time travel, and is interwoven with a bizarrely funny Sci-Fi story, I read it as a depiction of dissociation. My mind does that to me: it just throws me right back into some previous moment or phase of my life without a word of warning (emotional flashbacks). So I "borrowed" Billy's name. Should I come to terms with things eventually, I'll give it back 

[Hope67]

I definitely want to be involved in discussions about the book. I am new to sharing much about myself here although I have been a member much longer than most. I am sensing that the time is coming to share my 'story' with more than just my therapist and a few close friends. Sharing our stories helps us heal and helps others, too. This revelation in itself is major progress for me.

Hi Whobuddy, really glad to hear this.   

Hope 

[Hope67]

My mind does that to me: it just throws me right back into some previous moment or phase of my life without a word of warning (emotional flashbacks).

Me too, Billy Pilgrim - and I also like your name, and it's interesting to hear about where you got your name from, and why you chose it. 

Glad you've purchased the book too - and do pop over to the 'Book Review' threads if you want to join in with discussions there - or indeed, wherever you want to discuss things - but just wanted you to know I hope you enjoy the book.

I am really grateful to Whobuddy for making me aware of it, and I'm taking my reading slowly, but I relate to the book so far.

Hope 

[Hope67]

Here is a link to the Book Review discussion thread for the book by Janina Fisher about "Healing the Fragmented Selves of Trauma Survivors: Overcoming Internal Self-Alienation":

http://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=8869.0

Hope