I did it again...

[songbirdrosa]

*Details kept as vague as possible, but triggers are implicit*


I used to self harm quite a lot, but after my first stint with a trauma therapist I managed to overcome it. Or so I thought.

In the last month and a half or so, I've been in a downward spiral. And a few weeks ago I self harmed again for the first time in over six months. I went to hospital to make sure I was safe and get a new care plan in place, it seemed to help for a while. But I think that one incident has reopened the flood gates. For the last few days, the urge to hurt myself has been overwhelming and tonight it all spilled over. It wasn't much. Just enough to (I hope) settle the thoughts for now. But I feel so ashamed at myself. Like all the efforts I took to try to stop it just weren't enough. I feel like I can't say anything to my friends or family because they'll freak out or tell me off for doing it.

I think I'll talk to my counsellor about some new strategies to deal with it, because it's clear now I need something more.

I guess I just wanted someone to know 

[Three Roses]

  I'm so glad to hear you're taking steps toward taking care of yourself. That's what I call strength! 

[Dee]

Recovery isn't linear.  It isn't if a relapse happens, it is when the relapse happens.  It doesn't make a person weak; it makes them human.

I, like you, use to self harm a lot and I have come a long way in stopping the behavior.  However, things have been more stressful, I've been upset, and I am struggling again.  I have not done it, but it has been such a consuming thought and I have come extremely close.  I sat for hours with the tools in my hands fighting an internal war.  That was last night.

I am trying to do what I did to stop in the first place.  Today, I've been drawing and coloring.  Anything to distract, but nights are the worse.  I have made a plan for this evening if I spiral.  I plan to watch a musical, drink some tea, pet my dogs, and maybe color some more.  I have a friend I can call to talk about nothing.  She doesn't need to know what is going on, I just need a distraction.  Tomorrow I have a therapy appointment and I have got to tell on myself.  Talking about it takes away the power.  Talking about it here does too.

[sanmagic7]

dear songbird, i agree, you are human.  we struggle off and on with this stuff.  the idea of doing what you need to do to take care of yourself, looking forward to putting a new plan in place is indeed strength.  it also signifies your determination not to let the beast get the best of you.

it gets the better of us at times, but we keep battling so it doesn't get the best.  you'll make it a step at a time.  big hug, sweetie.

[Blueberry]

Talking about it takes away the power.  Talking about it here does too.

so it's great that you reached out and told us, songbird! 

There have been times when I have overcome various of my addictions, one of which is similar to SH, for a while. Maybe months, maybe just weeks. Then at some point I succumb again. That's pretty typical. You are not alone in this songbird! It can get better though, step-by-step, and the important thing is that you are taking those steps, e.g talking to your counsellor about new strategies.

(Just to be truthful: I've never really managed to be free of my own particular brand of SH, for which no tools are required.)

[songbirdrosa]

Thanks for the kind words everyone 

[Rowan]

The kind words are from a place of love, and understanding, because we've been there, and we know how terrible it feels when the realisation dawns that we are back on *that* path again.

Be gentle with yourself. You deserve it.

Rowan