Feeling trapped with no place else to go (triggers)

[babbit]

I guess I'm writing this because I'm at an incredibly low ebb and I can't seem to find

a way to make things better. My partner is depressed and cannot cope because of me.

I'm phoning the Samaritans every day at the moment. I've been feeling suicidal now

most days.

I was bullied at school and most of my

friendships have followed a similar pattern of abuse. I am so conditioned to it

now that all my sexual relationships with men have had abusive sides to them.


My partner now is different and really looks after me but maybe I found him too late?


In work too, I was a magnet for bullies. I always attracted them but even

when I stood up for myself. It was no use, they didn't take me seriously.


I am horrified now in my realisation that my family have started all this.

I have no boundaries whatsoever, I never did and I'm so painfully sensitive

that things hurt too much and too deeply.


My father has a narcissistic personality disorder and my family are enablers.

My family is a very, very dysfunctional one and I'm only just piecing it all together now.

Things finally make sense to me. I know why I've been depressed and anxious all this time now.


When I was being bullied badly at school, I would come home and stare at the wall

and go into a trance and my family saw me do this and they did nothing to help me.



There's so much trauma and it goes so far back, I feel crippled by it.


My sister used to be so supportive but even she now is showing a bullying side.

She has tried to force me to see a therapist she chose and also force very heavy

medication on me. All I have asked is to have time to think about it and to pursue

alternatives but she went up the wall. She has become very opinionated and controlling..


I have asked for some space, where they don't phone or pop by. My parents can't do this.

They are phoning me a few times everyday, trying to wear me down and speak to them.


Now they are phoning my partner all the time as they can't get through to me. It is exactly like

stalking or harassment.


I know this all sounds crazy and I wouldn't be surprised if you didn't believe me.

It doesn't sound believable does it. I don't know if you know about Narcissistic abuse

but all this stuff is very typical. I have joined a forum and discuss it with others but

it doesn't stop me from feeling frightened or lonely. Yes I feel frightened of my family.

They have never struck me but I am frightened of them. They easily persuade people into

thinking that I am the crazy one and that they are perfect.


I don't know what more to say. I was getting emails from a narc friend but I ignored them.

I don't trust her any more. She often put me down and made me feel like cr+p.


I guess I mustn't be a very likable person.

Maybe all that I have written will give you a sense of what has been happening and why I am virtually

reclusive now. Most of my friends had narcissistic traits and so I guess that is why

I had them as friends. It was normal for me because of my family. I don't want

it in my life any more though. I have lost so much trust of people.


I phoned my friend up yesterday for the first time in over a year and asked if I

could stay with him and his wife and have a bit of space and a change of scenery.

They live on the coast and I always find being by the sea as being therapeutic.

.

I don't know what else to say. I don't know what to do to ease this pain

[Rainagain]

Oh babbit,

So sorry to hear you have so much going on, so much to cope with.

Loads of people on here will fully understand the problems you face.

I hope your friends agree you can stay by the sea for a bit, you really need a break.

Thinking of you.

[Elphanigh]

Babbit, I promise I believe you. I believe all of what you write here, and would never question it. Nor would anyone else here. I am glad you wrote here to help get all of this out of your system, this is such an understanding community. You sound like you are doing everything you can, I am proud of you for taking steps to care for yourself and get a change of scenery. That is a big step.

I wish I could take some of those difficulties from you. If it is okay I will sit with you through this, offering a gentle hug full of warmth and healing 

[Blueberry]

I'm sorry babbit that so many bad things are going on in your life right now and that you have very bad memories of the past as well. I believe you.

Your narc friend treating you the way they did has probably nothing whatever to do with you! It doesn't make you likeable or not.

I hope that writing some of this out may have eased the pain a bit. Here are some  to help take the pain away as well. Standing with you.

[Three Roses]

I know this all sounds crazy and I wouldn't be surprised if you didn't believe me.

I do believe you, every word. 

I guess I mustn't be a very likable person.

I'll bet you're a wonderful person. Don't believe anything that the narcissists tell you!

[sanmagic7]

dear babbit,

i totally believe you, and don't at all believe you are crazy.  the stuff perpetrated on us may sound unbelievable to some, but here, we know it's all true.  you're in a warm, safe community.

i've had several narcs in my life, and i know it has nothing to do with being likeable.  if we're sensitive and have little sense of boundaries (very common) it's like they can sniff that out and immediately take advantage.  i'm very glad for you that you're recognizing some of them, eliminating them from your life.  great move of self-care.

is it possible to block those calls from both phones?  block their access to your emails, social media sites, all that?   i've done that with several people, and it's really helped give me a bit of a breather from that constant harassment.

hope you get some time and space away from the madness, just be able to re-group, pull yourself back together.  wishing you all the best, sending a caring, comforting hug.