waiting for divorce

[miaoue]

i met my H in 2011, married in 2013, separated late 2016. during our relationship he lied, cheated, manipulated, raged, put me down, accused me of all sorts of misbehaviors, controlled how i looked/where i went/who i saw....he made me fear for my life just for laughs. he got drunk frequently and started fights with me. he treated my body like a toy, coerced me into sex whenever he felt like it, screamed at me and slammed doors if i didn't give him what he wanted. he began to find problems with my family and friends, they were all bad or crazy in some way, and i should cut them out of my life and only trust him....i could go on and on, it was objectively horrible, but he had me so confused and manipulated that i kept clinging to him and was scared of leaving.

he was the one who ended our relationship...though it was my "fault" because i didn't love him and had a crush on someone else. he kicked me out of our apartment with only my go bag and told me he never wanted to see me again. while i was on the street looking for somewhere to go, he called my parents and my closest friends and even my work...he wrote a public announcement on facebook about how i was the cheater and liar...before i told a soul, people were texting and calling me to ask if it was true...

it took me a couple of weeks to find a temporary home and get my belongings into storage....after harassing me with cruel emails and texts the whole time, suddenly H started to act sad and begged me to come back! because he'd always loved me, we could forget the whole thing if i'd just come home...etc etc. i know it sounds like a bad soap opera. i wish i could say i made it up, haha. i'd be a rich and famous tv director.

H convinced me to attend marriage counseling, which was a total disaster...according to him i was the one who asked for divorce, after several affairs and abandoning him during his supposed illness, and all he wanted was to give me another chance, and he knew that's what i wanted too, if the counselor could just help persuade me!! i'm so grateful that the counselor saw through him and told him to let me make my own decision. H stomped out of the counselor's office and that's the last i've seen of him....

since then i've just been waiting for the 2 year separation term to finish. i have my own life now and an amazing new partner who loves me very much. but i just don't know how i will get through this process. i hate waiting. i hate paying $$$thousands to lawyers who couldn't help speed it up. i hate being called Mrs. H at the bank and the post office. i hate checking my email and seeing something rude from mostly-ex-H. i hate going near his (formerly our) apartment. i hate running into former friends who believed what he said about me. i hate looking over my shoulder because i thought i saw him on the street. i hate dreaming about him finding me and killing me.

at the same time i'm terrified of what will happen when i'm finally allowed to file for divorce because that's only the start of the process. he swore to "take me for everything i've got" and i'm sure we will end up in court for who knows how long....i don't want to give up anything else to buy my freedom from him. worst of all, this is not my home country, i moved here with H, so i'm terrified that i will have my residency permit taken in the divorce and i will lose everything again....

i just want to feel safe and at peace, i don't know how to truly heal when all of this is hanging over me.

many thanks and a if you've read the whole thing....it's the first post i've made so i hope it's in the right place and everything

[Contessa]

Oh gosh Miaoue

This is horrendous. I have not personally experienced divorce, but I do know how it feels to be on the receiving end of such an emotional onslaught. Being tough ALL of the time is so draining, those small moments of peace (such as with the counsellor and the new man) provide such immense respite. More than intended.


True meaning of the above image. You definitely need patch yourself up and rest, but circumstances make that impossible.

All I can do is give you a huge 
Keep hanging in there. The fight will eventually end, and you will be able to rest. Keep venting here in the meantime. I'm sorry that I can't personally do more than empathise.

[Rainagain]

So very sorry to hear what you have been through.

Might be worth collecting up Facebook posts as evidence and asking those you trust to do the same if he has sent messages to them. Same with any texts or anything else which might help you later.

Hope you don't mind this input, I am going through an exasperating court case and its no fun at all.

Some days I think my legal representative is not on my side at all....

[sanmagic7]

my dear miaoue,

i can imagine it.  i've been through much of what you've described (3 husbands), and it just sucks.

all i can do is give you support, let you know that i believe you, and hope that the outcome favors you instead of tearing you apart anymore.   i wish i could do more.  sending a warm, loving hug filled with strength and righteousness. 

[miaoue]

Contessa, Rainagain, and sanmagic, thank you so much for your kind words. i'm glad my venting is welcome yes, i have collected the texts and other messages he sent me in case i may need them in court.

i'm feeling a little more positive today, i just feel like 2 years is an awfully long time to wait.

[Rainagain]

What has been done to you is disgraceful, you are in the right place here to share it.

Two years will pass, I expect he is full of threats and bravado but will pop like a balloon when/if it goes to court.

Keep your powder dry and when the time comes let him have it with no second thoughts.

Thinking of you.

[miaoue]

just an update...i got so much strength from reading your replies, and just in time... my H once again started to send emails, texts, and calls trying to get my home address for his "paperwork". so i reached out to another lawyer. he was sooo kind and understanding. he told me that while yes, the law mandates a 2 year separation period unless H and i can agree on a divorce contract, that doesn't mean i have to bear more harassment during this time! if i hire him, he said, it's his job to be my shield, to communicate with H on my behalf, and use all the legal avenues available to protect me from further abuse. i definitely don't have any obligation to answer H or provide him my address.

so the lawyer wrote a letter to my H demanding that he stop the unwanted contact. i saw the letter, it was very official looking and all... the kind of letter that you have to take seriously. my H should have received it by now and i haven't had any messages from him for a few days already. so i am feeling very hopeful that he won't contact me again. if he does anyway, he would be violating my official request and we could report it to the police.

[Contessa]

 

I had a lawyer do the exact same thing for me and it worked a treat. Never heard from them again.

Glad this happened for you miaoue. One less thing to worry about, I hope you take some time to just relax for a bit and get some respite from the stress. Well done!

[Rainagain]

This is good progress.

It takes control away from H, and protects you, very pleased for you.

[Dee]

I'm so glad you found a lawyer to help you.  That was taking care of yourself in a huge way.

[miaoue]

surprising response from H's lawyer to mine...he actually agrees to the divorce and sent an offer!!

that's the good news...the bad news is he offered nothing.

no spousal support, "on account of our equal ability to support ourselves from work"...even though i currently don't work
no division of assets, he keeps everything he controls, which already moved to his new accounts
no division of property, we each keep everything we currently have. after i left our apartment with what i could fit into a rental van (not to mention, the valuable items which somehow were mysteriously not available to pack...who knows what happened to those???)
no equal share in our retirement plans, because the amounts are "relatively equal"...right...after he brought me to a country where i was not legally permitted to work
no help paying the legal cost, which i have already accumulated ~$7k from previous attempts to divorce
and I waive my right to be awarded damages by the court

when i first posted about this, i said i'd do anything to divorce, now i don't know anymore.... if i accept the offer we can file and in a few months i'll be free of him.... but, the offer feels like a slap in the face.... if i take it, am i paying for my freedom? or selling myself short?