Friends-Is it me?

[Phoebes]

I get confused when I think about my track record with friends.

On the one hand, I have a small hand-full of people who I consider my best friends. True lifelong friends who have always treated me like a sister. Nothing bad, weird, uncomfortable or questionable has ever happened with these people. I don't see these people very often because they all live in random places fairly far away.

Then I have friendships I have made along the way. Ones that I considered VERY good friends and who I assumed would be lifelong friends. Friendships that have lasted 20+ years. Since going NC with my uNm, learning about all of this and gaining a better understanding of myself and patterns in relationships (opposite sex and friendships), it's like I have had this "falling away" of most of my friends that I have always spent time with. Why? Because I realize that most of them are one sided. I have done all of the calling and arranging. I have made all of the effort. And as I distance myself just a little bit, I realize the phone calls and concern have never come. After long periods and running into one of them, I get the "why haven't you called"? Or even, "gee it's been a while. keep in touch!" Why don't THEY keep in touch or call?

I have read where narcissists run off all of their friends over time. Sometimes I feel like this is me. My list of friends has deteriorated. But I think now that I am learning to respect my own experience and feel worthy of my own feelings, I think I must have had a faulty way of choosing friends. When the questionable treatment came along, I just denied my feelings and brushed right by it, like I have always been trained to do. There were many times I felt slighted, or had some form of ill feeling after interactions, but I denied my feelings and went right on as if nothing happened.

So now, I have very few people who I interact with. Ever. But I know I have true friends in faraway places. And I know I might have better friends if I were more open. If I "got out" more. I just don't know how. Where to even begin.

[Dee]

I've been told that you have three types of friends.  The very few in the close circle, some hanging out just outside that circle, and those that are in the far outer circle.  Also, these friends will move around, some will come in and others will go further out.  I instantly remembered this when I read your post.

I also feel sometimes that I am the only one that maintains contact.  I have been accused of doing the same, making the other person contact me.  When I feel I maintain the contact, then take a break to see where it goes and it doesn't.  That person is now on the outer circle.   

You don't sound like a narcissist to me.  I think you are respecting yourself.  I know my past has often influenced my choice of friends and I am doing better with that.  As I value myself more, the quality of my friends change with it.

These are my thoughts and some experiences.  I am not sure it is helpful, but what you wrote sounds like you are a good person and a good friend.

[Phoebes]

Thanks, Dee! That's a good way of looking at it. I get pretty worried about ruminate on interactions with friends. It upsets me, because I've always put so much stock in friendship. I think I've needed to learn to not hold on so tight.

[ah]

You don't seem like a narcissist to me either.

Friends is a painful topic for many people, I bet. I have no friends left. All the friends I had before my life changed by physical disability took off. Unable to go out and meet new people made it impossible to meet new ones. I believe I'm a bad person for it (most of the time) but I think it really is difficult to make friends when we're adults, harder than we may admit to ourselves. Even without cptsd, even without a physical disabilty, it'd still be difficult. Circumstances make it difficult.

I do exactly the same, when questionable treatment comes along I deny my feelings - as I've been trained to do.
When I'm honest with myself, I think: what this means is I was mistreated and that says something about the person who does the mistreating more than it does about me. I have a really hard time grasping that thought though... I try to think "Others can be mean, it has nothing to do with you" and my mind dissociates madly. I try to improve at it, I wish I could improve at being my own friend. Then if other friends came along that'd be excellent, but not something that defines me as a person.

Though society does define us by it so it's easier said than done for sure.

I'd be your friend IRL in a split second.