Believing I’m some kind of monster.

Started by DecimalRocket, February 11, 2018, 03:37:22 AM

Previous topic - Next topic

DecimalRocket

I've been thinking of my 13 year old self. I was pretty terrible back then since after all, my mom treated me pretty terribly — often telling me it was my fault when I expressed she was being too controlling.

I was a lot more short tempered at home. At school, I was distant — but warm outwardly when I talked. I talked with people for their knowledge or for a laugh together — but there wasn't really much of any genuine connection to them as a person.

Inside, I was constantly disgusted and judgemental of other people as much as I was at myself. I'd hold in my anger all the time — didn't want to get emotional at other people. Because of this, I believed anyone who'd know who I was inside would hate me.

I still feel guilty. I still feel like I'll harm someone or assume others' pain is my fault. I still feel like I'm some kind of monster sometimes — especially when I still flashback to that anger. I still think I'm being arrogant when I gain some confidence. I still think asking for help is being cruel as a burden. I still think I'm hiding some secret evil motives and I'm just not aware of them.

I don't know. Maybe that voice in my head is right . . .

Elphanigh

Decimal, I can certainly say I have experienced nothing but kindness and compassion from you. Once upon a time my signature included something along the lines of "I am not my abuse, I am not what they made me" I think the same is true of you, and really all of us. You are not the anger that came out of the past you went through, you are the kindness and caring that you have so much of. You are the person that I see constantly striving to heal and help others heal.

I too felt like a monster. Matter of fact the second I read that phrase in your title for this post I remembered back to the first time I called myself that. We are too hard on ourselves as survivors, it is easy to cblame ourselves for other people's faults. Also too easy to blame our selves for natural reactions to trauma, which is what it sounds like you had.

I promise you aren't a monster, you are quite the opposite. I am sitting with you in this. That thought does start to fade in my experience, and it will get easier to handle with time. I wish I could take all that away and show you all the peace you deserve. You truly are such a wonderful kind person Decimal.  :hug:

sanmagic7

i don't believe you're a monster either, d.r.  you're too kind and supportive for that.  besides, the true monsters don't worry about whether they are or not.

acting out at 13?  that sounds pretty normal, what with raging hormones and all.  don't have to beat yourself up for that one - i think it came with the territory.

i think you're doing just fine, growing, stretching yourself, gathering information so you can continue growing.  that doesn't sound monstrous to me at all.  warm hug to you.

ah

I don't see any monstrosity in you either - and I've developed a really keen nose for it, unfortunately. I've met far too many monsters, and you're absolutely nothing like them.

I also totally agree, true monsters don't worry as much as we do about being monsters.
My F, the worst person and biggest monster I've met, never worries about it. When he's caught in some horribleness he shrugs, says "I don't feel like apologizing." and walks away in disgust.
If someone tells him he's acting like a monster he doesn't mind it in the slightest, he's indifferent. He doesn't care at all. No shame, no embarrassment, no introspection... but I can see so much of all of them in your words... so I think you're not a monster at all, you're a full fledged human.

I know the fear of it very strongly, though. The thought that says "I'm unworthy." I fully believe I'm some kind of monster, so I relate a lot to that feeling.

I was pretty terrible when I was 13 too. My parents were far too controlling and I started speaking back to them and expressing myself in ways I'd never had dared when I was smaller. I was taller, I was getting closer and closer to being able to stand tall and look them in the eye, physically and emotionally.
They hated it, but I was growing up with or without their nurturing and protection. I wasn't their docile, wide-eyed little pet anymore. I had more strength, and it took me a while to learn how far to use it. What to say, what not to say, the boundaries of how far to push it with others and what to keep to myself, when to walk away, when to engage. I think 13 is exactly the right age to test these things out.

Also, you know... we have a right to feel angry, it's part of being human beings. It doesn't make us bad, it makes us fully alive. The trick may be to learn how to bear all of our different emotions, the enjoyable and unenjoyable ones. I'm trying to learn that skill, it's probably a life long project.  :disappear:

DecimalRocket

#4
Thanks Elpha, San and Ah.  :grouphug: You people are deeply kind too.

To be honest, for months now I've been flashing back to memories of replies I've gotten through the internet while asking for help. I thought I was being too sensitive back then but I didn't have any emotional support from anyone else before on my issues and I didn't know how to defend myself so of course I'm going to be hurt.

One of the major ones was when I asked a kind of psychological assessment online to receive attention. I'd go to all kinds of sites to repeat the same info - looking for some affirmation I never received until one person said something to me. He said I was arguing back at him just out of my own pride and I remember I did have pride, but not for this issue.I answered that I acknowledged his issue, that he was right in some ways but I had some disagreements and confessed to some kind of intense depression. After this, I broke.

I must have been disgusting to them to be so weak, to want so much attention. To always be constantly trying to prove myself to have attention and encouragement. What I feared becoming the most was arrogance. I solved everything by knowing more and to be arrogant meant an a lack of acknowledgement of what I didn't know - by then, I reflected, analyzed and researched the ugly truth to the point of tears sometimes. I felt inside that I didn't know enough to survive in life, and someone confirmed it.

I've found some kind of deeper shame around naivety than the one I already had. Naivety to me was proof I was an annoying * and was going to be hated. Maybe that's why I don't want to admit my younger age and the ideas surrounding it. I felt that my ideas and insights weren't to be respected and believed - and without something to share with others - I pushed back into withdrawal further.

I remember when they listed one of the reasons they don't have many people replying is that maybe they don't want to take a risk over a new forum member who might just be there for a "Tell me I'm beautiful" kind of reason. I wasn't there for insight, I was there for affirmation. And I withdrew back and concluded asking any attention for me was just selfish attention seeking.

With all this, I thought. . .I didn't deserve any more help than I already had and I should have been grateful for that.

ah

I think we're allowed to ask for affirmation. To feel validated, seen. That's not disgusting at all, I think it's the absolute opposite. It's deeply human. We're mammals, we want to connect to others. And we all feel worthless at times and kindness from others is such a big thing when we feel this way. We also have every right to grow and learn and not know everything just yet; or ever.

People can be so cruel, online too of course  :doh: and I really don't like what you were told.

I have a tendency to take things that happen to me as proof of my worthlessness, when someone mistreats me I look at myself and think darkly "There, you see? You were disgusting and are disgusting. How could you ever think you're not?" but I think others have every right to be idiots all on their own, unrelated to you or me  :bigwink: and you deserve so much better than being given the feeling that you're a waste of someone else's time and energy. You're not to me.


Elphanigh

 :yeahthat:

I echo everything Ah has said here. It is so human to reach out for affirmation or validation, especially after trauma has ruined our sense of worth and self. 

I know you mentioned hiding your younger age,  I did that too. I am more open about it here but the places I tried before I would never mention it. People aren't always friendly in our teens or early twenties. I am often still self concious of how young I am in comparison to others around me here sometimes. But I promise you don't need to be.

Decimal you deserve all the help you recieve and more. You are such a kind soul that should not have gone through any of this.

sanmagic7

i agree with the others, d.r.  i'm 70, you'd think by this time i'd gotten enough validation in my life, but it ain't so.  we all need it, deserve it, no matter what age.  to me it's a fundamental way of connecting with others in a positive way.

the age thing is something i look at here, and i'm just so glad that there are young people on this forum, finding kindness, care, support and all the other positives that people offer here.  i don't mean to diminish anyone's experience, but the younger you are when you begin realizing this stuff, the younger you are to begin working on it.  and, i can't tell you what a difference that would have made in my life.

i didn't get to this place till my late 60's.  that meant i had 50 more years of abuse to recover from, and the toll it's taken on my brain, mind, body, psyche.   no, i'm so thankful for the youth here, for the awareness that you all possess.  people ask if they will ever be 'cured', if this horribleness will ever end.  i believe that the younger you get started on it, the more chance you have.

d.r., even in your youth, you have become a valued member of this community.  you are respected here for your own kindness and support you've been willing to give to others.  your questions, your insecurities, your unsureness are all valid, as are you.   you struggle to understand just like the rest of us, regardless of age.  you will be able to go through the adulthood of your life with more awareness, far more awareness, than i ever did.

and that awareness will help save you from further horrors as you choose friends, have relationships, and interact with others along the way.  i'm so happy for you.  love, warmth, and a hug filled with just enough knowledge to see you through.

Elphanigh

San, I know this isn't my post but reading your reply to Decimal warmed my heart and gave me hope too  :grouphug:

sanmagic7


DecimalRocket

#10
Thanks you three.  :grouphug: I've recovered a lot thanks to you.

Sorry, if the below is err. . . too nerdy. But I just wanted to share my thoughts about something.

This all reminds me of a book called The Inner Ape, where the leading primatologist, Frans der Waal, finds similarities human nature to ape nature. I remember a scene where one of the dominant chimpanzees, Luit, was attacked by two other chimpanzees to the point of dying. Usually not affectionate, Luit wanted to be touched and let out a deep sigh when der Waal soothed him. He wanted reassurance, like we did.

There's this belief that human nature is inherently cruel from an evolutionary standpoint after seeing the violence of chimpanzees, but really, as they were studied, it seemed they were all different like us human beings are all different. Bonobos, another type of ape, were also much kinder and gentle.

In the modern world today, things are mixed. Hans Rosling's statistics in the site of Gapminder point to a lowering of poverty, a boosting in lifespan, educational access  and gender equality. Noah Harahri in his boom Homo Deus had booms of less war but also potentials for danger from A.I or other technological hazards. NASA points to an increase of global warming. Nuclear weapons were brought up and its potential is controversial.

It has become objectively true to me that the world is a mix of good and bad ; not any extreme or the other.

That's why I trust people enough to get to know them as individuals now, giving them a chance.

Tsk. Tsk. Maybe that's the first step to making the world a little more good than bad.

Hope in a possibility. Hope in the future. Hope for the new.

Elphanigh

This is so positive and hopeful, Decimal. I am so glad you have recovered some! Your response was not at all too nerdy, I love that insight. It is such a great connection to draw

sanmagic7

the worlds that you have explored is bountiful and beautiful, d.r.  this was a lovely post, one of inspiration and hope. 

and, so very glad you're feeling better.  one step at a time, one individual at a time.  you're doing great.  big hug filled with love, hope, and adventure.