Going through old pictures-long *TW- PA, EF's*

[Phoebes]

We're coming up on an important family member's birthday, and I pulled down the boxes and started looking through pictures to find some of the person... I already expected to breeze over the ones of uNm and such, but I had several other emotional flashbacks that caught me off guard.

I realize that what I am seeing there in all of my pictures is actually a beautiful, kind, talented and caring person with lots of friends and people who care about her. There were some letters and cards from exes, friends, and even shorter term lovers that were so nice, validating and complimentary. WHY DID I NEVER HEAR WHAT THEY WERE SAYING or BELIEVE THEM??? I don't remember ever internalizing any of these positive feelings coming from them. It's not that I outwardly disbelieved them, it's more that my subconscious just thought "yeah right."

Why could my mother not see this same person and LOVE her rather than abuse, be jealous, harass and condescend?

I think the one I'm most disappointed in myself about it my very first crush and boyfriend. He hand-made me several cards, and when I re-read them, he said a lot of emotional stuff in there. He really seemed to love me. I loved him too. But I was terrified of sex. And every time before I went out with him, my mother planted a seed of how bad I would be if I had sex. I recall "*" being mentioned often. She would say something like older boys only want one thing (he was 18, I was 16), and everything they say and do is to get in your pants. When I would say he wasn't like that, she would get mad and say well YOU have it good because I was told I would go to * if I even THOUGHT about kissing a boy. And stuff like that. Well, I was PETRIFIED. We kissed and held hands only. He was shy too. Then, 3 months in, after I was gaining a lot more feelings for him and enjoying our time together, he broke it off for another friend in our group. She immediately started talking about their sex-capades. Then 4 years later in college he came up there, told me he never stopped loving me, and could not remember how the story went until I told him.Also, when he broke up with me I was distraught, but my mom berated me saying "wipe that frown off of your face. That's REDICULOUS. A KID being so upset about some BOY." She didn't know the story or ask. Why was my being upset about my first breakup something for her to belittle and berate. I felt betrayed. He actually was a nice guy, and still is, and is married and has two nice kids. I could see myself in that picture had I followed my heart and been able to express my feelings and be more open with him, and less paranoid and believing of my mother. I have forgiven myself for that one though. But seeing all the pics of him pop up reminded me of that, and I do feel some anger about it still. After him, I had my first BAAAAAD boyfriend. One who fullfilled my toxin addiction. But I digress.

I see the mask I wore so well. I appear happy and to have it good. In some of these pictures, I remember something terrifying had in fact happened that day, or close to it. There I am happy and smiling, like nothing happened. I remember distinctly not having a right to my feelings and often slapping on a smile. Other times I was genuinely smiling. All the pics are smiling.

As far as family pics, they seem to all be to "prove" something, if taken by Nm. Like how well-poised and dressed my Nm is. One where her waist looks impossibly tiny. Lots of pics of us opening christmas presents, and me smiling and being thankful. Which I was. But I also often had a sad feeling that what I wanted or asked for (even when asked directly) was not even close to the thing I got. It was all old lady stuff, even as a young kid.  Fake gold jewelry and such. There are pics of my Ngm, mom's mom, standing with a smirk next to her shelves of expensive knick knacks. Huh? My mom's family is all about "things".

I've always loved travel the most. I've been on some great trips, both alone and with a friend. I love those pics and those experiences. My travel pics fill up most of the boxes. I feel very at home traveling. But for each trip, there was disdain and sabotage from Nm. She would tell me if I was raped and murdered, don't blame her because she TOLD me not to go. I was able to blow it off mostly. It's odd that not one person in my family (other than my late grandmother) has ever asked about any of my trips. When I have co-dependently tried to share my adventures with them, all excited, they literally change the subject and/or walk out of the room. Finally, my enSD saw my Nm do this once, and his jaw fell to the floor. Finally a speck of validation, but no less painful. I see all of  these wonderful pics and memories and experiences and wonder why do the people who are supposed to be the closest to me not want to know about this thing that is so important to me, and all of the experiences that have shaped a big part of who I am?

There was a pic my aunt took of me reading a book by the beach. I remember that book. I remember reading it in my room before bed and my mom walking in, without knocking first of course(I remember the sound of the doorknob bumping open when she would just barge in), and seeing me reading. Flipped up her hands in a frustrated mini-tantrum and saying "I thought you were asleep. How BORING it THAT. I bet you think you're so smart." All in classic ugly tone. She did the same when I was 9, teaching myself morse code (lol.) I was sitting at my desk writing down the letters and she came in with a similar reaction and said I should be doing something worthwhile. I remember the hostility in her voice and feeling so frozen.

There are pics of some of my artwork. Me doing art, and showing it. I never could follow through and BE who I wanted to be. There was always a tug holding me back, making me feel guilty. Not worthy. There was always disapproval from her but there were many times where I was inspired and ready to go for it, made quite a bit of art, and the drive and flame just fizzled. I remember the condescending things she said. I used to feel such shame about why I wasn't more productive and couldn't just be an artist like other artists.  I'm ashamed I let the jealousy of my mother ruin my choices.

I'm sorry for rambling on now. I think I should probably invest in a therapist soon (I am so behind financially and need a surgery, which I haven't been able to afford yet, so it's hard to fork over for therapy). But there is so much there to work through. So many daily triggers. Hard to shut off the painful memories.

I used to wake up each night with an immediate jolt of what I think was toxic shame. That has settled down a million percent after going NC. But last night I woke up, and there wasn't a big jolt, but a jolt that started at my heart and trickled to my extremities. It felt like an electrical current on a wire. Weird.

I feel like my health is going bad. I drink as medication. I'm aging and alone. I am very distant from most of the people in these pics. When I had a life rich with family, friends, boyfriends, travels, I didn't really take it all in. I didn't really believe I was worthy, or loved. I didn't see what those people said in the letters. I've been working on reparenting the inner child. Validating the child, regaining the authenticity and genuine and kind feelings I once had toward people, not realizing those closest to me were betraying me so deeply. I guess I need to learn to forgive myself now for letting my other take away everything from me. My self worth, my love potentials, my joy in the things I loved.

[Libby183]

Dear Phoebes.

I felt so sad to read your post and it felt so familiar.   I feel overwhelmed with sorrow for you, me and everyone else with mothers like ours, who stole our lives and our joy.

I keep making mistakes and losing what I have typed (quite long). Perhaps because I feel so moved by your story. 

So for now, I will just say that I am with you in everything you said, and that I will try to get myself together and reply successfully in a while.

Take care,

Libby

[sanmagic7]

phoebes, i also felt sadness at reading this, and could feel your pain at reliving it.  i wish i could help make it better for you, but all i can do is let you know you've been heard, and send you a hug filled with warmth, care, and love.

[Phoebes]

Libby, thank you so much, and I'm sorry for you and all of us too. I'm sorry to get so morose in my post. Thank you for reading it. I hate when I inadvertently delete a long passage..I do that a lot and then don't have the wherewithal to re-do it.

San, thank you for that. It still feels surprising to be heard. Like the people on this forum who I've never met are literally the ONLY ones who can understand this.

It's weird to see all the pictures through time and realize how smoke-and-mirrors my mom's abuse was. And my dad's enabling and ignoring. He was in the car when she berated me about my boyfriend. Why was he silent? He;s the one the slideshow is for, and I can see that his life has been all about him, too. I was not included. Yes, he was a beloved musician and artist. Attractive, fun and sweet. We have a lot in common, but he didn't play music with me, or do art with me. He didn't encourage me. In fact, it was like we can only COPY people. We can only be the big fans of other successful people. We can't BE those people. (his attitude). Ok, I know I'm rambling again..lol..but it's weird to just be realizing some of the musicians who have been passing away are MY AGE, or slightly younger, or a year older. They were in the same place I was back then, had the same amount of time. But were FREE.

[Libby183]

Dear Phoebes.

As I said before,  your description of your life with your parents felt so familiar that it really affected me.  My parents stole every part of my life from me - I wasn't allowed to be happy or sad about anything unless it was demanded of me by them.  As time goes on, I realise more and more how my choices weren't my own,  even when I thought they were. 

Probably the biggest example of this is my having children.  I actually torture myself with trying to work out if I ever really wanted children.  I just don't know.  It wasn't that my parents went on and on about a desire for grandchildren but I felt under huge, huge pressure to do as my mother had done and have children,  close together,  when I was in no fit state mentally to cope with them.  It's so weird to think that something so important wasn't really my choice at all. And yet nm could deny any coercion because she didn't have to say these demands out loud.  It was much more "subtle" than that.  My destiny, as passed on by her, was to have children I would abuse, so that she would feel better that she had abused me.  I fell right into the trap with my first child, a daughter,  and was "expected" to have a second daughter very quickly,  just as parents had.  But I ended up with twin boys, with special needs and it was this deviation that broke this continuing intergenerational abuse. I had not played by their rules and the backlash began.

Sorry if I have rambled on. I think what I am trying to say is that we must never blame ourselves.  We really had no choice.  I was saved from being an abusive parent by chance.  My parents forced me to marry the first man I had any dealings with,  despite the fact that they disliked him intensely,  even before they met him. Fortunately, he was a very good man who would not allow me to abuse my daughter,  unlike my enabling father allowed my nm.

I do love my children,  but I see my sons suffering every day.   I would not have chosen any of this,  if I had had a choice.  It just seems that however our lives turn out,  the fact that they are not really our lives, but the lives dictated by our damaged parents,  means we can't be fully involved in them, experience the good and joyful things and accept the downsides. 

I don't know if this makes any sense to you, but given that we had similar sounding relationships with our parents,  I would be very interested to hear more from you. 

I relate to every thing you write and just wish you strength to work through them.

Best wishes,

Libby.

[Hope67]

Hi Phoebes and Libby,
I just wanted to say that I relate to many things you're saying in this thread.  I hope to return to read it in more detail later on, but for now I just wanted to say that.
Hope 

[sanmagic7]

this struck a chord with me, the idea of the enabling parent.  mine was my mother.  she finally said something to him when i was nearly 2, but by then a lot of the damage was done, and after that she just stood by and let him do his mocking, shaming, humiliating thing.

i wonder how much anger i still have left toward her.  he's born the brunt of it so far cuz he was in the foreground of my life so much.  i do know that from a very early age i knew that i didn't want to be like her - i considered her mousy - and i wanted to be more of a presence in the world.  i wanted to be more like my dad.

i think enablers often get left in the shadows as far as our attention, pain, hurt, and anger go.  i'm glad to have read your posts.  they stirred up some righteous anger that i may not have realized before.  thanks for this.  big hugs all around.

[Phoebes]

Thank you for coming back and telling me your story, Libby! (Ramble alert)

Although I didn't wind up having kids, I can so relate to your story. Especially when you said, "I actually torture myself with trying to work out if I ever really wanted children." I have pushed it way way out of the picture until it was too late. The truth is I was afraid to have children. When I was young I though I would eventually meet the right man and have kids, but it wasn't a motherly drive. I didn't yearn for children the way a lot of my friends talked about. Since my mom seemed to not be in control of what was passed along to her, and she would even say how it was inevitable all of the "family ways" will be passed down, I was afraid of this. I felt it was possible.

[Now, after our last conversation before going NC, I realize that she DID want me to have kids so I would pass along abuse and she would be in like company. Minimized. She minimized her abuse but she said she screwed us up, my sister is screwing up her kids and if I had Had kids I would have screwed them up too.. Gee, I didn't even know which part of that to thank first. (BTW my sis may not be perfect but she is doing a much better, and mindful, job of raising her kids, and as a single mom. How dare my mom say that!) I said no I wouldn't have, because I didn't like the way it FELT to be treated that way, and my intention was to do differently. She never even tried! When I was in my teens through 30's, her attitude and words were always "you're never going to get a man if..." NEVER encouragement or praise. She never said "you're fat", but she said often "you're never going to get a man if you don't watch what you eat". "You're never going to get a man if you don't dress and act feminine once in a while" "You're never going to get a man if you don't stop trying to beat the boys at sports" and so on and so forth. Looking at my pictures, I always thought I was fat, but I was in fact thin and fit. I was an athlete. A feminine athlete. I remember boys complimenting me and having cute, sporty boyfriends, but always thinking I was inadequate. Somehow they were judging my looks or things about me like my mother did, I thought. That's one flashback of these pictures. I could actually remember thinking I was fat when almost all of these were taken.]

Later I realized I could do things my own way. There was one man I loved and wanted to have kids with, but it didn't work out. I called him the love of my life for a long time, but I think it's just because we had a great relationship and he loved me. We communicated with honesty and respect, and had so much fun with common interests. It really was probably normal stuff I had never really gotten to experience before.  He lived in another country, and where I thought things would work and come together eventually, I think I was wishful thinking. He was the only non-abusive person I have attracted in my adult life. He asked me why would I spend time with my mother? (I thought oh how I wish it was an option not to).

In my 20's I remember my goal was to be independent. Not tied down. Travel. Not be controlled. In my 30's I tried to get it together, become an artist (to no avail), broke my leg, went from athlete to couch potato, changed jobs about 8 times. Had an abusive boyfriend. Running running running. In my 40's I pretty much accepted I wasn't having kids. I was 40 after all. But with no Mr. Right in sight. When I had to have some "female" surgery, and he doc told me I would not be able to have kids, I out of the blue burst into tears. DID I really want children all this time? Obviously I wanted the chance. I remember early on thinking if I have kids, my nM will forever be tied to me. I will never be able to break free. I remember thinking this.  have become a hermit now coming up on 50! I know I'm too young to be a hermit. I have lots of issues I am thinking aren't so attractive to a healthy man. I try to be healthy, but for me it's a lot of doing to get to "somewhat normal". lol.

When I see other friends and relatives having kids, raising them (my aged are now in college), I realize I totally could have had kids and been a good mother. Where cultivating a family is concerned, I've lived my life on the outskirts of life. I always feel like on the outside looking in. I've lived more fully by traveling and getting out of an abusive dynamic. But really, I'm just now living outside of the dynamic, alone. I thought I was making my own choices, being independent, but I realize now I was still very trauma bonded.

Oh gosh I'm rambling again. It feels cathartic to think this through. There are more layers to it I probably don't have time to sink my teeth into right now as I should be working. I do keep thinking of these pictures with more and more flashbacks and remembering, well, abuse. Emotional, physical, psychological. Rage attacks. Physical abuse. All with a "happy" facade in pictures.

[Phoebes]

Thank you, Hope. I know it's too long :/ I'm sorry, and comforted, others can relate.

San, you're so right about the enablers. It didn't even occur to me to be angry at my enD's enabling until actually more recently. His enabling with both Nwives has been very damaging to me and my siblings. I've always just thought of him as king of denial, but now I can see he just wanted his own comfort. He wanted to be away from the house. To keep the peace so he doesn't have to deal with it. He never once has taken up for me or my sister.  Once my mom was barking orders from across the room and said to my dad " Hit her!" and he hit me. I was about 10. I lost all respect for my dad right then, but nevertheless I saw him as an innocent party until I learned about all of this.

Now he's even gone so far as to become exactly like his wife's behavior to blend in. To not have the wrath, I guess. It's pretty scary to watch actually. I have feared for his life at times. He is isolated with a very volatile piece of work of a vile creature.

[Libby183]

Hi again,  Phoebes.

So many things in your last post jumped out at me!

Your mother's statements about "getting a man",  sound so familiar.  The whole of my childhood /teenage years were spent doing housework with /for her.  She resented any time I spent on school work. I was being groomed to be a housewife,  whereas my sister was allowed to live as she chose, had options in life.  The double bind was, however,  mother's very strong message that,  unlike her, I was unlikely to get a man!  I utterly believed this so went and trained as a nurse because I thought I had to do something useful,  in service of society,  because I had so little to offer otherwise.  When I met my husband,  I actually thought she would be pleased I was actually going to fulfil the role she had assigned to me.  How wrong I was!  She detested him, but forced us into marriage.  We would have been happy just living together, but she couldn't deal with that. 

You really struck a chord with me with the "fat" issue.   I was always a lot slimmer than my mother or sister and yet I truly believed myself to be fat.  Again,  I don't quite know how she did it, but she was so convincing,  and she added insult to injury by ensuring I never had nice clothes or hair.  How was I ever to get this man she had groomed me for, if I had all these issues - fat, ugly, hair and clothing of a boy, and none too clean either,  as I was only allowed to bathe and wash my oily hair when she said so?!  Those pesky double binds again.

My father is a classic enabler - he wasn't violent,  but would hit me if mother demanded him too. Mother was very violent and dished out a lot of physical abuse.  He rarely stood up for me, but I think he knew she was an abuser.  By the time we all went NC he, too, blamed me for everything and believed her to be a saint.

I am just over 50 now, live with my husband,  two sons and my dog, but would otherwise describe myself as a hermit as well.   Most of the time I feel completely alone, but am not sure whether I am happy with this or not.  Do I want more from life? I don't know really and mostly feel too exhausted and in too much pain to consider anything more.

We seem to be having real rambles through our lives and I am finding it really helpful.   Thank you sharing.

Libby

[Phoebes]

Aw, Libby, it sounds like we have a lot in common, if even in a different way. I'm sorry you feel so alone in a house full of people. How is your relationship with your hubby? Is it something that you can talk to him about? It makes me sad when people in relationships struggle to relate, I guess because I crave an intimate relationship so badly. I mean, someone who understands me. I understand it is hard in most cases. I'm concerned about this pain you are experiencing. Is there something you can do to improve this more?

Wow, I never saw the "grooming" aspect, but that is SO true. She would praise "other" people for their accomplishments and then treat me like that's for THEM, and my goal was to land a man with money. It is so laughable. She was just projecting her own wishes onto me. I would counter these ideas and she would fly into rages and rip me to shreds. It all makes sense now but back then it really hurt deeply. I never had the set chores of normal kids. She would wait until I wanted to go somewhere or was invited, like on Friday night or the weekend, and then say in same tone, "noooooo, I think you need to do some chores around here." I would say ok well what are they so I can do them and be able to go? And she would say "noooooo, you don't NEED to do that." All very whiney and needy, and then, while I am spending Friday nights alone scrubbing the dishes, she is falling asleep on the couch. She did not do housework.

My dad was out working three jobs. Gee, I wonder why. He is to the point that he blames me for this whole "problem" and the solution is I "just need to forgive." What he means is, go back and keep the peace. I HAVE forgiven. That's my business and something I have been brainwashed to do but also something I work on for myself in my own time. I no longer feel guilt and shame for not magically sweeping everything under the rug and showing back up for more gaslighting. Since I shared that I was NC with Nm, my dad (30 yrs remarried) has been texting her on holidays. 

I think sometimes about how in a split instant everything could be completely different, and therefore everything is somewhat of an illusion. I don't mean that in a new-agey way. But for example, looking at these pics. I appear normal, happy, sporty, to have lots of friends, be competent and capable having gone to University, etc. Since I was raised on control, guilt and shame, I managed to keep going, people please, make my way through college (aside from the fact I really enjoyed school and learning, I would have done the same if I hadn't). I could go on and on about ins and outs of denying all of my wants and dreams during this time period.  I went from there to a job, and have had a job ever since as a teacher. I did flounder in a couple of different jobs in there, but I have been lucky enough to always appear normal and get a job, not really having to PROVE my skills in a way. That sounds strange but I could be somewhat of a likable and good teacher. Not teacher of the year, but I get by. Not how I wanted to be at all. I do feel that if I lost my current job, it would not be so easy to get a new one.

That said, I feel like all of these things were luck. That at any time, if in a different situation, I could have easily wound up in an abusive marriage (nearly did a couple of times), homeless (I felt like if the world saw the "real" unworthy me, this is where I would land), or prison (due to inexplicable repressed anger. Sometimes I felt I could snap, but didn't know why). I always felt teetering on the edge. On the surface, no one would imagine that, but I struggled and struggled for years with students and coworkers who pushed my buttons and bullied me. I struggled to have boundaries and be my own person, show a loving yet firm classroom management style, people pleasing. When I would get too stressed and overwhelmed, I would find a new job. I went overseas, which I was really excited about, but that job and coworkers got to be too overwhelming as well. (I so wish I could have functioned normally, understood myself better, and would have stayed there!) I think all these things said, I struggled without anyone realizing the extremity of it. It seems like while I am so people pleasing and rarely use my voice to express my feelings, there are plenty of people ready and willing to be very vocal about putting me down. Throughout these times I was almost always agonizing over why some abusive boyfriend had discarded me as well. I've always felt layers of pain and difficulty. It makes me angry that this was all so unnecessary as I was, in reality, a capable person from the beginning. The war was on to make me believe I wasn't.

[Phoebes]

Also, Libby and others..I appreciate your tolerating my long responses..I don't expect anyone to respond or read the whole thing, or any really! I don't intend to be annoying but if you can relate, I'm right there with you.

[Libby183]

Phoebes,  I certainly don't find your posts long or rambling but rather,  very insightful and validating and helpful.

Thank you so much for your concern for me, especially with regard to my loneliness.   My husband is a really, really good man.  He didn't have a great childhood either.  No cruelty, more a sort of benign neglect.  He wasn't very close to his parents,  left home at eighteen and never looked back. It probably made him very strong and hence he was able "see through" my parents mind games and cope with the damage they caused. We get along well and intellectually he understands what I am suffering, makes huge allowances for me, but it is the element of really "getting it" that is missing,  because, unlike everyone here, he hasn't experienced it deep inside.

My sons have so many issues of their own that I have no expectations of them to understand me.  Having said that,  they suffered at the hands of my parents,  and are happy that we are all no contact.

Amazingly,  I have a lovely relationship with my daughter.  She lives about three hours drive away,  with her boyfriend.  She has a really good life and my joy at this is overwhelming.  Tinged, however,  with great sadness that my mother could never be happy for me about anything, big or small.

In fact,  that is the thing for me, with regards to children.  My feelings about them, constantly remind me of what I didn't have. I support my sons daily,  and I am number one cheer-leader for my daughter in all of her successes. I do not resent them one tiny bit - they are only here because of me. But then I think, no! They are here, in large part,  because of my parents.  And where are they?  In exactly the same way that I would never be good enough,  neither were they. They could never be enough for my parents.

I am so sad for you that you don't have the relationship you would dearly love. I would like to think that it is not too late, but I know that if I had not met my husband when I did, I would have been alone. I do, however,  absolutely applaud you for travelling,  working in what must be a very demanding job, having a variety of relationships and just living life.

Just as you said though,  the courses our lives take feels like chance.  Whatever route they take, it feels like we just couldn't function normally and it was an almighty effort just to keep going and appear to be in control.  It's like it wasn't living fully in the life in which we found ourselves. I agree so much that it was all so unnecessary for them to be so determined that we were such bad people,  when we were nothing of the sort.  We were actually really good people and that's what they didn't like.

I just try to console myself with the belief that I have suffered to stop this pain being passed on to another generation.  It could have happened so easily and nearly did. Perhaps this makes some sense for you.

It's definitely my turn to apologise for rambling on.  Hoping to hear more from you.

Take care,

Libby.

[FinallyFreeFromIt]

I just had to reply to say that I also found so many similarities to my life in these posts.

And as I only first posted yesterday I'm not sure what the best way to say that I deeply  feel for you and all of us  and heard you and truly understand and believe you.


I could quote from almost each and every paragraph in this chain so far as each "event" or "memory" or "belief" is something that I experienced or very similar.

Thank you so much and to everyone for having the courage and strength to post here and for being willing to share so much.

Just by reading your story has already today, taken some weight off and reminded me that I need to continue to  accept that this is real, there is a  "reason" why I've suffered all my life and it wasn't ever my fault.
It brings in to sharp focus where my brain and thoughts need to go to continue to heal from the emotional wounds that my parents inflicted.

I "get it all", I truly do.