Researching CSA - **Trigger warnings - mentioning SA**

[Hope67]

Yesterday, I decided, for the first time, to go online and research about an organisation called the 'Paedophile Information Exchange' (PIE) - this was a brave step for me, as I have never done this before - I have only seen a newspaper item about it before, and had been triggered into a massive reaction as a result of thoughts that came from discovering that such an organisation existed.

Anyway, yesterday I managed to do an online search and I printed out the Wikipedia page related to the PIE - although I've not properly read the contents - I ended up also finding a place where there was a list of the people on the list, and I was having a look to see if my F's name was there - which was a very triggering thing - caused me to experience quite a bit of anxiety - and I feel that again, as I think back to that, and remember how that felt.  Anyway, his name wasn't there.  I was relieved actually - but then I thought - that I remain convinced that the 'book in brown paper' that he kept in his bedroom drawer, and which he had actively encouraged me to read (and I don't know what age I was at that time) - but it definitely had words which talked about stimulating a very young child - and I am wondering if the book was published 'by' the PIE organisation. 

Now I'm wondering if I can get to know what publications they did - but I realise how ridiculous this must sound - because surely I couldn't find the book - there's part of me that thinks if I find the book, and see what it was - then I can somehow reassure my 'wounded parts' or 'inner children' (not sure what to term those parts of myself) that it wasn't right.

I feel really emotional now - as if I've touched a very sore and wounded part of myself - I guess I didn't really process things last night - when I was looking online.  Now I'm faced with some of the emotional feelings - I feel a very big lump in my throat, and emotion surging upwards.

I think I'll stop looking any further for now - try to pace myself - and start again when I feel a bit stronger.

Maybe my F wasn't connected at all to this organisation, but I just wonder where that book came from, and how it could have contained information encouraging adult men to sexually abuse children.  I realise as I write this, that I might sound very 'naive' - but I feel as if there are competing parts of me reacting to this.

I feel sure that the whole post is one that would be potentially triggering, so I hope that my trigger warning in the title has meant that those who don't wish to be triggered won't have read it. 

Hope 

[Blueberry]

ok - there's part of me that thinks if I find the book, and see what it was - then I can somehow reassure my 'wounded parts' or 'inner children' (not sure what to term those parts of myself) that it wasn't right.

I can really understand the need to reassure wounded inner children that something done to them wasn't right. Even though I basically know in my case, I'm still often looking for reassurance from other sources. I'm clearer when it comes to other people, so let me say again: What your F and a school teacher (or headmaster?) did to you when your were a child was very wrong and very damaging. In the case of your F then going on to force you to read that book to idk show you it was OK to do what he did... I feel speechless.

Your TW is quite clear, don't worry about that.

If I may, here are some  otherwise just standing with you.

[Three Roses]

 Standing with you, Hope.

[Elphanigh]

Standing with you as well. I have felt the need to find out information like that before just to validate the wounds I felt.

[Hope67]

Hi Blueberry, Three Roses & Elphanigh,
I want to thank you so much for your replies, because all of your words helped me to feel stronger and to feel validated and also to feel 'empowered' to write another 'Letter to my F (not to send)' - which I managed to do - and I managed to get in touch with some feelings of anger - which I think were good for me to express and 'get out' of myself.

Blueberry - your comment that you felt 'speechless' by the fact my F encouraged me to read the book - that really helped, because it is crazy-making that he did that -    Who knows what went through his head to think that was ok.  I appreciate the hugs.  Thank you. 

Three Roses - thank you for standing with me.   

Elphanigh - it also really helped to hear that you also have looked for information to validate the wounds you feel - thank you also for standing with me.   

I still haven't gone back to the PIE page I printed off - I am going to wait till a time when I'm feeling ok to look at it again.  I am aware it took me a day to 'come down' from the EFs that were triggered by this 'research' - but the fact is that I feel better for it, so it was good to have done that.

Hope 

[Eyessoblue]

Hi hope
That was a brave thing to do and I totally understand why you would want to do that and I'm sure if I was in your position I would have done the same thing. The hurt inner Child is huge isn't it, I've got a long way to go before I can deal with mine, I keep pushing it away and pretending it's not there even though it's screaming out at me on a daily basis.
I hope you're feeling better today about it all.

[Hope67]

Hi Eyessoblue,
I just saw your reply, thank you!     Yes, the hurt Inner Child is huge, and I have neglected mine for many many years, mainly because I had no idea how to reach out to her - infact I feel there are several of different ages within me - still working out how I feel in relation to different 'parts' of me, and finding ways to describe them. 

I am feeling better today - much calmer.  I am relieved.  I'd like to have a day to have some peace and some calm. 

I hope you have a day that is however you'd like it to be.

Thanks so much for your reply.

Hope 

[Dee]

Hope, I had to research my father.  I had to, to make sure it was real.  I don't even know how to explain that, I knew it was real, I knew what happened, but something about seeing it in writing.  I also got very triggered and had to wait before I could confirm what I read.

What I do know, is there are all kinds of books like that.  They cannot be regulated, because no actual crime is/was committed.  Freedom of speech allows for it to be written.  If it were to contain actual accounts or photos it would be illegal.  I have no doubt what you read was real.  I also feel it was extremely damaging not only to you but other children as well.

I'm sorry, it sucks.

[Hope67]

Hi Dee,
What you wrote is so helpful, and I'm so sorry that you had to research those things regarding your father, but at the same time, I understand the need to do that - and that's why I am doing so - although I have to say it's taken me a long time to really 'look at it' and I wish I didn't leave it so long, but it wasn't easy to think it could be 'real' - even though (as you say) it's definitely 'real'.

I still haven't read the print-out I got - and it took me a while to come back here too, so I've just seen your reply.  But I will face it - at the right moment in time - just need to pace it.

You're right, it sucks doesn't it - that literature like that can be written, and put out there - so damaging to children.

Hope    (I have a tendency to not be able to leave my 'smiley' face off - almost like it's a 'compulsion' but in situations where I've written something that feels like it doesn't match a smile, then it feels incongruent, but for some reason I still want to put it).