Lying constantly about little things out of fear.

Ag91 · February 12, 2018, 06:49:38 PM

Hi all,

First time post. I'm writing because I'm really struggling in my relationship. I was recently diagnosed with PTSD after years of physical and emotional abuse from my father, and also when I would do something wrong (leave a light on in a room after leaving, forget to take my shoes off) I would not be allowed to eat dinner with the rest of the family. I would have to wait until my dad left a room before I was allowed back in.

Now, I am a few months away from being married and I find myself lying about little things. Example: "when did you pay the rent" and I will say I paid it yesterday when instead I am actually on my way to pay it.

I do it because I feel like I should have done it yesterday and it's so stupid because my fiancé would never do what my dad did but it's my automatic response. My fiancé is fed up with it, because it's the lying he cares about. He says we can fix anything if I'm just honest, and I know that but in the moment when I get questioned my automatic response is to say what I think he wants to hear and then quickly go try to do it/remedy it.

Is this a part of PTSD? I don't want to be a liar. I despise myself for this and afterwards I get so guilty that I puke and get dizzy, and feel depressed.

I am so afraid he's going to leave me now for lying. The lying is self destructive and I don't know how to show him I don't want to be this person. I've opened myself up to being transparent with my bank accounts so he can help me but it's killing me to feel this way and treat him this way.

Gwyon · February 12, 2018, 07:20:53 PM

Yes, this is c-ptsd. Trust issues are big. And your limbic system -- fight, flight, freeze-- is in control. It doesn't matter what your intellect says -- you simply don't, can't, feel safe enough to be truthful And it's not your fault.

Do you have a therapist to work with? Is that even a possibility? Also look at other resources posted elsewhere here: Pete Walker's writings on c-ptsd. Tara Brach's work on self compassion and mindfulness.

I hesitate to go further for fear of crossing into "counseling", which is not my place. But i'm confident you will find a supportive community here.

Wishing you good things...

Ag91 · February 12, 2018, 07:27:13 PM

Thank you--I got six or seven sessions in with one therapist (the one who diagnosed me) and then when the new year came, my company switched insurances, and she was no longer an in network provider. I can't afford her hourly and now I am having to start all over with someone new on Thursday. I can't talk to my mom about it because I feel guilty--she feels bad, as she feels though she perpetuated the abuse by not stopping it (but she was a victim too).

But when I talk to her, she feels guilty. And it's just hard to feel this way and feel incredibly alone.

Rainagain · February 12, 2018, 08:27:09 PM

The walking on eggshells and trying to say what your questioner wanted to hear should be an old coping mechanism.

If you feel you still have to do it then I hope your fiancé is working to not be controlling as hard as you are working to trust?

Taking all the blame is instinctual but its a shared responsibility in a good relationship?

Take care of yourself.

sanmagic7 · February 12, 2018, 09:02:15 PM

hi ag91,

welcome to the forum. very glad you posted.

have you talked to your fiance about this? perhaps the 2 of you could discuss how to slow that thought process (the automatic lying response) down so that you can have time to rethink and come up with a truthful answer. that way both of you could be part of the solution, it would help you to break that automatic response, and would empower the coupleship. instead of something that comes between you, it could be a way to bond.

i'm thinking something like he asks the question, you give your answer, he re-asks, you say how you're feeling, the fear you have, etc. and he can reassure you that he'd rather hear the truth. then, by that time, your brain is done with overriding itself out of a fear response, you can possibly speak your truth, and the two of you can do what you need to do from that point on. maybe a hug would be nice.

i've done this myself, and have still done it at times (especially with people i'm not sure of). it's not necessarily easy, but it is do-able to overcome this when you have a supportive partner. best to you with this. i hope any of this is helpful, and you and your fiance can get over this bump together. hugs to you both.

Gwyon · February 12, 2018, 09:16:04 PM

I'm glad others have weighed in here too

And yes, your fiancé has a responsibility here too. To not contribute to your fears, to be sensitive and accepting of what you are working with, and to be a partner in finding a different path.

Best to you...

Blueberry · February 12, 2018, 10:22:02 PM

Welcome on here Ag91

I don't have much to add that hasn't been said.

On here we accept you the way you are! I'm glad you found us and reached out to us.

Ag91 · February 13, 2018, 02:18:45 PM

Thank you Everyone for your feedback and your help! My fiancé has actually been wonderful in all of this--I have asked him for help in managing my finances as I have a habit of impulse spending, and can't manage money. My parents were constantly living well above their means (which wasn't much) so we were always scrambling for necessities.

I destroyed my credit, and he's trying to help me rebuild it. He constantly reassures me he loves me and has been helping to pay for my therapy , and has been going to therapy himself to communicate in a way that makes me feel safe.

I don't feel as though I'm walking on eggshells, because it's only when I do something that's wrong by my standards that I kind of freak.

Does that make sense? It's like all of a sudden, it feels like my dad is there saying "you're worthless, you're nothing, and nobody could love you."

Obviously I logically know this isn't true but then sometimes something happens and it all rushes back in and I can't stop it.

I don't know what this is called (I'm new to all this and still learning a lot of terms) but it's like everything is so great and then one little thing happens and suddenly I can't breathe.

Ag91 · February 13, 2018, 02:20:49 PM

Also, great suggestion about him supporting me in a second-chance answer. I think if I can do this, we can get ahead of it and he can see my intentions. And I can tell the truth without feeling like I'm going
To be punished for lying in the first place.

Thank you so much everyone--this is a great community and you have already made me feel so welcome and accepted.

sanmagic7 · February 13, 2018, 02:35:14 PM

i think that feeling you described might be an emotional flashback (ef). we get triggered by something in the present that immediately takes us back to a time when something similar felt dangerous and threatening, and react physically as if it still is. others here have links and more info they can share, but it's a real thing for sufferers of c-ptsd. nothing inherently wrong with you, just a symptom of being traumatized.

i'm so very glad for you that your partner is so helpful and supportive through all this. that's so very wonderful to hear, and i wish both of you the best. keep taking care of you as best you can, and taking care of each other. it's beautiful to see, it really is. big hug to you both.

Gwyon · February 13, 2018, 03:42:17 PM

I relate to the credit problems, too. I got into similar trouble when I was younger. A craving to fill some vague need ("if I just had this one thing thing i'd feel better"), and poor impulse control. It's all related.

I'm so glad to hear your fiancé is supportive.

Gromit · February 22, 2018, 06:58:36 AM

Hi Ag91,

Is it something in questions which trigger you? Something in the tone? Or what you perceive to be in the question/tone?

I have been listening to a Mindrolling podcast with Dr Paul Ekman, who designed the Atlas of Emotions. There was something on there about asking questions, being careful that they did not contain judgements. For example, asking if you had paid the rent may imply the judgement that you are not able to pay the rent without being reminded. (Incidentally, when I rented I had to set up a standing order so that it was always paid at the same time and I have since found it useful to set up direct debits to make sure I pay off cards at the right time, because I forget & incur charges, despite being able to pay.)

Maybe this is something you and your fiancé can examine, why he asks questions about such things? I realise he may be trying to help you with managing finance but asking if you had made the payment would imply to me that I should have done it yesterday too, & that automatically makes me feel that I am useless for not doing it yesterday, if you see what I mean?

Good luck

Blueberry · February 22, 2018, 05:25:49 PM

Quote from: Gromit on February 22, 2018, 06:58:36 AM
Maybe this is something you and your fiancé can examine, why he asks questions about such things? I realise he may be trying to help you with managing finance but asking if you had made the payment would imply to me that I should have done it yesterday too, & that automatically makes me feel that I am useless for not doing it yesterday, if you see what I mean?

Ag91, it used to be similar for me, that questions would trigger me.

I haven't listened to Ekman's podcast but find the problem of questions sounding or being judgemental very apt. Even if your fiancé doesn't mean them that way, they could still sound that way to you and - bing - you're in an Emotional Flashback.

I hope you and your fiancé have found some sort of solution and are able to move forwards with this. Good luck!