"Healing The Fragmented Selves of Trauma Survivors" by Janina Fisher

[Hope67]

p8 of the book:
Just quoting a line, where Janina says:
..."mindfulness of parts" approach in which I help clients learn at first to mindfully scan their bodies and feeling states for the communications from their fragmented selves"

This reminded me that I've noticed sometimes at night, and occasionally in the daytime that I have a pain in the left-hand-side of my head, and I actually think that is a communication from a 'fragmented' part of myself - wanting to communicate to me - about pain and what it represents.  I thought this last night, and also there are times when I feel constricted in my throat area - and I also relate to that being a communication too.

I think this is what Janina is referring to - I hope I'm right in assuming that, but I just wanted to mention that here - as I am just reading the 'introduction' so far in the book, and I'm on p.8.

Hope 

[Hope67]

I've just finished reading 'the introduction' and so that means I'll be up to p.19 of the book, and about to read Chapter 1 next.  Chapter 1 is entitled "The Neurobiological Legacy of Trauma: How We Become Fragmented" and I am hoping to read that in the next few days, but just today, I want to reflect on having read the 'introduction' - and just say that I feel as if the author (Janina) is a very compassionate and competent author - she's really outlined how the book will operate, and what is contained in each chapter.  She has really convinced me that I'm in 'safe hands' to read her book - and I'll just copy the final paragraph of that 'introduction' where she says:

"Pyschotherapists have wondered and worried and philosophized for hundreds of years about the nature of healing.  This book describes one theory about healing the effects of trauma and traumatic attachment that emerged from my clinical observations: healing is the outcome of reversing long-standing patterns of self-alienation and building the capacity to love and accept our "selves".  When we reclaim our lost souls and wounded children, befriend them, and allow ourselves to trust deeply felt compassionate impulses, to reach out to them and build bonds of secure attachment, they feel safe and welcome at long last.  And we feel whole."

My conclusion having read that 'introduction' is the book should be really good and I feel like it will help me.

It's actually made me feel quite emotional - at the thought that I really think this could be a key to feeling 'whole' and to healing my wounded parts.   

Will be back in this thread when I read the next chapter.

Hope 

p.s.  WhoBuddy - thank you again for recommending this amazing book. 

Hope everyone who wants to will comment and add their own reflections on the book, if they want to here.   

[Fen Starshimmer]

Hello Hope,
Thank you for continuing to post little extracts of the book as you gently progress through it. I am becoming more curious than ever, and can't wait to get my copy.

I think I would feel quite emotional too. The themes you mention go to the core, right to the heart of where we have become wounded and disconnected from ourselves.

healing is the outcome of reversing long-standing patterns of self-alienation and building the capacity to love and accept our "selves".  When we reclaim our lost souls and wounded children, befriend them, and allow ourselves to trust deeply felt compassionate impulses, to reach out to them and build bonds of secure attachment, they feel safe and welcome at long last.  And we feel whole."

This made we think "wow", she gets it! She's putting feelings into words. If this book can help us to reconnect and feel safe within, that will be some achievement. 

I look forward to finding out more.

[Hope67]

Hi FenStarShimmer,
Yes, it is amazing to be reading such a book - I really feel like "she gets it" too.  I hope your copy arrives soon! 

*******
Just wanted to share a part from Chapter 2, which is entitled: "Understanding Parts, Understanding Responses" - as it resonated with me:
p.37 Uninvited Remembering:
"As difficult as it can be to dilberately recall traumatic experiences as a past event, the brain's "negativity bias" (Hanson, 2014), its tendency to perceive and prioritize negative stimuli more quickly than positive stimuli, results in long-term sensitivity to all cues related to previous danger.  Even very subtle cues (e.g. Gillian's being alone at home or feeling disappointed) can stimulate the implicit memories and inadvertent uninvited "remembering".  Without stimulus discrimination, unavailable when the prefrontal cortex is inhibited, the body responds as if the individual was facing life-or-death threat now.  It instinctively mobilizes the same survival defense responses as if the client were in immediate danger.  For survivors of trauma in their 40's, 50's and 60's, this reactivation of memory via triggers has been especially costly.  Many have been victims of triggering for many more years than they were exposed to the actual traumatic events.  Without awareness that their triggered responses are evidence of body and emotional memory, they "believe" the pounding heartbeat, burning shame, braced muscles, inability to breathe, numbing, and/or explosive rage are signs that they are in danger.  When it becomes clear that they are not at risk, other fears arise: maybe they are going crazy, or have proof that they are defective, or maybe they are just going through the motions of life "pretending".  On the basis of this "evidence", many traumatized individuals isolate and withdraw, end healthy relationships prematurely or explosively, or can't end unhealthy ones.  Many function but avoid living life fully to reduce their exposure to triggers, and others engage in self-destructive behaviour to manage the overwhelming feelings and activation, only to feel more damaged and defective."

Wow - I find that paragraph really insightful - it helps a lot to hear that - thinking about my own 'physical' feelings - that I get when I have EF's - things like my left side of my head hurting, the lump in my throat feeling tight and as if it's choking me - I've experienced unexplained rashes on my body before at certain times - as a child I suffered from frequent 'hives' and other things - my body has been crying out and responding - and the cues and triggers are subtle - often I don't even catch them, but I am beginning to be more 'mindful' and 'notice' more triggers - and I'm relieved to have something to 'hang these things onto' - i.e. that it's down to the trauma and the residue of that - rather than me being in danger in the present moment.

I've also noticed that whilst reading this book - I've been noticing more past memories - different fragments coming back to the surface - reminding me of things - and it feels to me as if there are some distinct 'inner children' making contact in that way - bringing me bits of their memories, and I'm reminding myself that I have an 'adult' self who can be empathic and helpful to others - that's a strong part of my personality that's helped me to 'parent myself' in many respects - I feel bad for saying that, but I also know it to be true.  So any inner critic who dislikes that - then 'tough'...!  I am speaking back to my inner critics - because they don't do me any good...!

The next chapter is called "Changing Roles for Client and Therapist" so I'm going to be reading that next...

Hope 

[Three Roses]

Wow, I really want to read this book!

[Whobuddy]

Thank you for being so bold to start this thread. It is such a treat to be going through this book with someone else who gets it and appreciates it, too!

Here is another 'gem' that I found in Chapter 2:
p. 39 "Feeling compassion or protectiveness for younger selves also helps the clients to feel their "big-ness," to appreciate the physical size differences, the adult capabilities and resources, and the greater respect which individuals are accorded as adults and the greater safety it enables them to count on."

This helped me to try and "unearth" my inner adult that I thought I didn't have.

The first pages of the chapter have an insightful description of what happened to us during our traumatic times. The phrases that jumped out at me were "The individual feels braced and strong: the events unfold in slow motion: and icy calm replaces fear..." This might explain why I remember so much in so much detail. I think I had heard it called trauma-brain in a different book, when the world slows down. Can't say that I ever felt strong, though.

p. 35 "For children or victims of domestic violence who endure day-in-day-out conditions of threat or for whom being seen and not heard is the safest adaptation, it is common to see parasympathetic patterns of passivity, slowed thinking, and depression or shame dominating the individual's experience."   

I can really identify with the depression and shame part of this statement.

[Hope67]

It is such a treat to be going through this book with someone else who gets it and appreciates it, too!

Hi Whobuddy,
I agree - it is lovely that we can talk about this book together here - and share experiences - and I am excited by that.  Very grateful to you for pointing me in the direction of this great book. 

I think it has come at the 'right time' for me - and even though I think I am feeling more 'triggered' lately - as a result of reading it - I am also pacing it and feeling generally ok.

It's really helpful to read the bits you picked out - and how you related to them.  I found that I got more out of that chapter again, through reading what you said.  It's a great thing to be able to discuss and share.

Hope 

[Whobuddy]

I think it has come at the 'right time' for me - and even though I think I am feeling more 'triggered' lately - as a result of reading it - I am also pacing it and feeling generally ok.

Sorry to hear that you are feeling triggered. You are wise to pace it to your comfort level.

[Hope67]

Hi Whobuddy,
Thank you - you're right - pacing is important.

I popped back just now because I wanted to say that I find it quite hard to 'pace' - I have ended up reading more of the chapters of the book, currently I'm on p.80, which is Chapter 5 "Befriending Our Parts" - and I think that part of what was triggering to me was thinking that somehow I should 'make notes on the chapters to share here in this book thread' - and then I felt like 'Oh no, how can you do that - you can't keep up with that, you're overwhelmed' - and then I felt different 'parts' of me were clamouring to be heard - and rather than engaging with them as an 'interested observer' - I've ended up 'blending' with them, and then wondering about past memories and whether I was infact being 'driven' by a dissociated part, rather than acting in my own right as a person. 

Anyway, I read this on p.80, and it completely resonated, and I want to share that bit:

"Sarah at first picked compassion but quickly found that she felt so overwhelmed when she opened her heart to the young parts that, in the end, she couldn't feel for them because she was too blended: she felt only the tidal wave of their emotions.  Then she chose calm as the quality she wanted to cultivate but found that triggering, too.  "I think it's too close to having to be quiet and not move," she realized.  Finally, as her third choice, she picked curiosity.  That didn't trigger the parts, but because she blended so quickly with their intense reactivity, she often missed the chance to be curious.  For her, it was easiest simply to observe her body responses: to mindfully notice when she was triggered and observe the activated thoughts, feelings, and body sensations as "things of interest", rather than interpret or describe them in narrative."

That paragraph is really helpful to me at this time, and instead of pressurising myself to do 'anything' I am just going to reflect on things as and when they are helpful to me - and come and talk about them here.

I think I was feeling a pressure to 'go through the book' in order' and write something 'helpful' - but really - why am I feeling like that - it makes it seem like some kind of homework assignment, and noone is asking me to do that.  I am putting pressure on myself, where no pressure is needed.

Even as I write this, I think - oh no, they'll all think I'm a bit mad.  I suppose that goes back to the films like 'Sybil' where she was treated as if she was 'mad' rather than looked at as a person who has had trauma in her childhood and developed ways to cope.  I relate to her character, because I relate to how that feels - there are also times in my past that I feel I 'lost time' or 'acted like a completely different character to who I feel I am' - as if another part of my personality had control on my actions and my ways of being.

But I am thankful that right at this moment, I feel 'together' and as if the calm and empathic side of myself, is here with me now, and that's the part that I know is my adult part and will look after all the wounded parts.

I'm going to do something else now, but I'm glad to have written this, because putting my insecurities out there, and just admitting them, feels cathartic to me right now.  I'm glad I did it. 

Most of all, I'm happy to be reading this book, I feel like Janina is a 'therapist' and 'caring person'  in how she writes and that she's written a book that is safe and caring and will be helpful. 

Hope 

[Eyessoblue]

Hi hope, I'm so greatful to you for sharing this book on here, I'm finding it really helpful for me in 'understanding ' a little more about myself and can totally relate to what the author is saying, sometimes I just need that clarification as to why I'm feeling/acting like I am!
I hope you continue to share this with us.

[Whobuddy]

Chapter 5 was very helpful to me also. I will write more about it later. And I agree that it can sound kind of 'crazy' but the way it resonates with us tells us that this is important and helpful in our journey to wholeness.

[Hope67]

Hi Eyessoblue,
I am glad that you are finding the excerpts from the book helpful, and I will definitely be continuing to write here about it.  It really helps me to share it, so I'm also glad you find it helpful too. 

Hi Whobuddy,
Thanks for saying that you relate to the 'crazy' sounding thing - and I also found Chapter 5 to be incredibly helpful. 

Hope 

[Whobuddy]

In going through the book again and also looking back at my life as a whole, I am beginning to question Fisher's 'going on with normal life self' as being my adult self. And this was key to the book making sense and helping me so much. So this isn't easy.

I tried to go along with her assertion that anything one does that is adult-like means one is operating as their adult self. Some of her examples are paying bills, going to appts, going to work. But I am seeing that I lived my life as two personas since earliest memory. There was the one who was neglected/abused and another false self that was how I needed to appear to others. It seems more like parallel parts rather than one being the adult. This false self did what she needed to in order to survive. She is really just a wounded child herself and not really able or qualified to offer much comfort to the other 'parts' in any sort of genuine way. 

This bears more thinking about and I don't intend to throw out all the concepts in the book because identifying the wounds has really helped. I was wondering what you thought about the 'going on with normal life self?'

[Hope67]

It seems more like parallel parts rather than one being the adult. This false self did what she needed to in order to survive. She is really just a wounded child herself and not really able or qualified to offer much comfort to the other 'parts' in any sort of genuine way. 

This bears more thinking about and I don't intend to throw out all the concepts in the book because identifying the wounds has really helped. I was wondering what you thought about the 'going on with normal life self?'

Hi Whobuddy,
It's really interesting to hear your thoughts about the 'going on with normal life self' and I relate to what you're saying very much.  I know that I have managed to 'cope with normal life' - in that I pay bills, have gone to work, have attended appointments etc' - but in terms of playing 'parts' - I actually am thinking that there are 'several parts' (or wounded children at various ages) who have 'driven' me - at different moments, and in different 'sections' of my life.

The 'self' that I feel is most like the 'going on with normal life' self - is a persona that I think is capable of being empathic and caring, and I am grateful that I have that 'side' - and it is quite 'strong'.  Quite present in my life, and I am thankful for that part.   

You know, I'm really keen to pursue this book and read more, but this month is really triggering for me in terms of quite a few significant dates and things that are coming up in it, and I am struggling to contain the concerned/worried/scared parts of me, who are clamouring for my 'caring/protective' side to care for them and get them through it. 

Just today - I know I need to face something this afternoon - a social 'thing' I can't get out of - and I am already having a lot of dissociation as different parts try to hijack me, and I experience more emotional flashbacks in relation to their concerns.

But I also 'know' that my 'coping face' will somehow 'get herself in gear' and help me out - and I'll get through it.  But it takes a lot of energy these days.  Especially now I'm actually more in tune with realising what is going on. 

But the 'knowing more what is going on' - is helpful, and the book is so helpful in that respect.

I really hope to be able to read some more tomorrow, once the weekend is over and I get through this afternoon.

WhoBuddy - I am grateful that we can discuss this book together and our feelings and thoughts in relation to this.  Thank you and I hope you are ok.  I am also reflecting on my 'life as a whole' and it is quite mind-blowing to consider things with the new knowledge and framework that this book gives.  I think it's the 'key' I needed to begin to really put things together and hopefully repair some things too.

I agree with you, "it isn't easy' - but I really hope that we can find our way through all of this.

Hope 

[Hope67]

I'm still in Chapter 5, on p.94 at the moment - and I'm reading about "Befriending our parts" - and how "clients often spontaneously experience compassion for their parts once they are no longer blended with them" and towards the bottom of that page it says "The more you hold her, the safer she will feel, and then the calmer you will feel.  She can't let you feel calm and centered if she's terrified."

I really relate to that last statement - because I think I am having difficulty 'unblending' from some of my 'parts' - especially when I've been triggered - and can feel 'terrified' sometimes.  So the fact is that this chapter is helping me, because Janina (the author) is talking about steps to enable me to 'unblend' and to communicate with the different parts. 

p95 - "...the going on with normal life self is in charge of the body's health and well-being, must provide food, shelter, and other necessities, and is focused on present moment priorities, it is quite literally the "host" or home base for all parts of the self."

"However, when clients finally come for treatment, the going on with normal life self is often demoralized or depleted, identified with certain parts and intimidated by or ashamed of others.   Although the normal life part has the innate ability to become interested in rather than afraid of the parts, he or she may need education to recognize them as young child selves trying to communicate their trauma-related fears and phobias."

This is really helpful to me - I relate to this.

(I'm finding it quite hard to get through the chapter - mainly because I've been facing some 'stuff' 'in real life' - but just reading a few lines, it really helps each time, and I feel comforted. 

Just wanted to share that bit of the book, and those few reflections.

Hope