"Healing The Fragmented Selves of Trauma Survivors" by Janina Fisher

[Fen Starshimmer]

Hi Hope and WhoBuddy,
I am just popping in to say 'thank you' for recommending this book by Janina Fisher. I ordered a copy from my library, who (fortunately for me) chose to buy the book, as they did not stock it, and began reading it immediately. I will need to buy it as I want to scribble over the pages, make notes and reminders for myself.

Her words speak to me on every page, and deepen my understanding of how trauma has impeded my every day functioning and distorted my personality. She helps me find compassion towards myself, my discarded, lost and shamed parts, and most of all, gives me hope by showing ways to reconnect and feel whole again. She's expanding my vocabulary with new words related to trauma experience and recovery, which will help me to express myself better, more accurately, and clearly.

I am reading every page, starting with the acknowledgements, because there is so much nourishing, validating info in each one.

I learned something in chapter two (page 35) that is helping me make sense of my chronic state of being years ago, an overwhelming exhaustion and passivity in the face of a predator threat, following a period of prolonged terror and captivity immediately prior to the encounter. Maybe others will benefit from this excerpt about 'traumatogenic environments', where the threat of danger is ever-present.

In traumatogenic environments: '... it is more adaptive for both children and adults when their bodies are conditioned to maintain a readiness for potential danger.'

'These automatic patterns of response may be sympathetically activated (biased towards hypervigilance, high arousal, readiness to take action, impulsivity)  or parasympathetically dominant (without energy, exhausted, slowed, numb, disconnected, hopeless and helpless).'

There is a great deal of info out there about fight or flight, and most people expect you to act in the face of a threat, but that is simply not necessarily the case in real life.
Janina Fisher's work backs up Pete Walker's 4F's, and gives the 'Freeze' response even more validity, with her explanation of the parasympathetic response. Unfortunately, I am all too familiar with it, but now, thanks to Janina, I am starting to feel less critical of myself, understanding that this was/is a survival mechanism and served a useful role when there was no other option in my chronically traumatised (internally dysregulated, disorganised, dissociated) state.

I am in chapter three now, and hope to join in more conversation with you later.

Hope - you mentioned that you found this book triggering and had to read it slowly.

I have had to put it down a few times for the same reason. I have had a couple of disturbing dreams since I started reading it too, suggesting it's working on a sub-conscious level.
I do ultimately feel that I am in safe hands with Janina though, as her entire approach is life-affirming and validating. I think some of those little, lost and forgotten, wounded parts are stirring inside of me. The idea of reclaiming them evokes strong feelings, and the need to them gently back to life.

[Hope67]

Her words speak to me on every page, and deepen my understanding of how trauma has impeded my every day functioning and distorted my personality. She helps me find compassion towards myself, my discarded, lost and shamed parts, and most of all, gives me hope by showing ways to reconnect and feel whole again. She's expanding my vocabulary with new words related to trauma experience and recovery, which will help me to express myself better, more accurately, and clearly.

I am reading every page, starting with the acknowledgements, because there is so much nourishing, validating info in each one.

Hi Fen Starshimmer,
I am so glad to hear your book has arrived and that you're already through to Chapter 3 - and I agree with you how nourishing and validating the information is, and it was validating to hear you say that you had had a couple of disturbing dreams, as the same thing happened to me - I had a night terror and some disturbing dreams - like you said, maybe the subconscious is working - I certainly think that seems true.

I have just started reading the same book again from the beginning - just today - and I am already glad to be doing that, as I realise how much I may have dissociated whilst reading it the first time - as I'm picking up fresh information again, and I am glad to have been able to write notes in the book and underline things - so I would think you'd enjoy being able to do the same - once you get your own copy.

I shall keep coming back here to look at this thread, to see how you're getting on - and also to continue discussing with you and WhoBuddy and anyone else who reads Janina's great book.

Hope 

[Whobuddy]

Hope wrote:
I have just started reading the same book again from the beginning - just today - and I am already glad to be doing that, as I realise how much I may have dissociated whilst reading it the first time - as I'm picking up fresh information again, and I am glad to have been able to write notes in the book and underline things - so I would think you'd enjoy being able to do the same - once you get your own copy.
***************
I do this, too! When I reread a book it is like reading it again for the first time. Sometimes I don't even remember writing those things in the margins! I had never connected this with dissociation before. Good observation, Hope!

I think the reason is that as my recovery moves forward (sometimes backward) I am never in the same exact spot when I read something as when I read it before so I process it differently and get different things out of it. I can be all over the place with my all or nothing thinking, too. Like when I read something and think that never applies to me and read it again later and think it is something I always have trouble with. Oh, such is my poor traumatized brain.

Fen Starshimmer, I am so happy you are enjoying the book, too! I was so impressed with it when I first began to read it. I told my therapist all about what I was getting out of it and he patiently listened and will support me with what helps me but I could tell it was not his 'cup of tea.' So it is very helpful to be able to write about it here with you!

I collected plush 'parts' that represent my different struggles. I enjoy getting them out or even just knowing they are on my shelf. My parts. Me. They are okay. Different ones stand out at different times. Today, Sadness (from the movie Inside Out) and Peter Pan are the ones. Peter Pan is the one I need to comfort because I was raised in a way that it was not okay to grow up. It wasn't okay to be a child either but growing up was a major wrongdoing. So Peter and I have a lot to talk about. Sadness is always with me. I am so very sad over what happened to me in my childhood. We sit and feel the sadness. And we are glad we are not living that childhood anymore but now we are safe and at times even happy.

But as I have written before the part that is first and foremost is the armored-bandaged character and I learn a lot from that one. I learn about not pushing myself into situations where I will be hurt. I am learning to begin to trust myself to know not to do things that might be harmful. I learn about taking care to bandage the wounds both old and new. I learn that the armor can be a helpful thing but sometimes it shields me from the good stuff, too.

Thanks for getting this ball rolling, Hope. And again, Fen Starshimmer, I am excited you are joining in!

[Hope67]

Hi WhoBuddy,
I am so thankful to have read your writing today - because you talked of how you communicate with your Sad part - and how that is helpful to you - and it's helped me to think that maybe today I'm communicating with my 'flat part' - because my morning feels very 'flat' - and I can't think why I feel this way.  But maybe it's just that I'm communicating with my 'flat part'.

I don't know why, but just having this realisation, and also hearing you talk about your plush parts - it makes me feel more hopeful - because whatever emotion I'm feeling - it's an opportunity to communicate with a part, and even the ones that I dislike - instead of pushing them into compartments and closing the door on them (which is likely what I've done in the past) - instead I should sit with them, and listen to them, and find out why they feel so 'flat' or 'sad' or 'depressed' - because when I look at my past now - instead of somehow thinking it was ok - I realise it wasn't ok.  Not at all. 

WhoBuddy and FenStarShimmer - I am so glad you're both reading this book - and that we're sharing this journey - that's how it feels to me - that gives me more hope.

It's good not to feel alone with it - knowing others understand.

I'm realising as I write this, that there's often an optimistic 'part' who tries to pull me out of 'flat times' - but actually I think I should sit with the 'flat side' of myself - because I need to talk and understand more with that part.  So this is helpful.

I won't say more now - but thank you for giving me the space to discuss this.

Hope 

[Hope67]

Just in the Introduction part of the book, p10 and wanted to make notes on this:

"Rather than focusing on desensitizing the event memories, experts now advise prioritizing transformation of trauma-related states through the cultivation of new experiences.  Instead of focusing on developing a trauma narrative, clients are instead advised to rewrite their "self-defeating" stories and create a healing story that allows them to make meaning of what happened (Michenbaum, 2012).

Further down that page, Janina writes "The client's instinctive avoidance of the trauma and trauma-related parts will continue to re-enact the behaviour of non-protective bystanders if not guided to a different way of working."

Both these sections resonate with me, and it's more meaningful to me the second time of reading.

Today I was able to stay with the 'sad and flat' part of me - even though I wanted to do things to 'lift' and 'avoid' that mood - and I was drawn to things like comfort eating - but I refused to give into that drive, and I stayed with the communication with that wounded part of me - and as the day has gone on, I've discovered that I feel greater resonance.

I just wanted to share that experience and those words, because they were meaningful.  Maybe they will also resonate with someone else. 

Hope 

[Hope67]

p11 - this part is meaningful:
"The goal of this approach is not remembering: it is repair of the injuries suffered as a result of the traumatic events, whether remembered explicitly as narrative or implicitly as feelings and reactions."

This is really useful to me at the moment. 

Hope 

[Hope67]

p39 I think this part is really helpful to me at the moment:

"For trauma treatment to be effective, no matter what methods we employ, survivors have to be able to integrate past and present.  Concretely, this step requires education: about what traumatic memory is and is not, about triggers and triggering stimuli, about learning to accurately label triggered states ("this is a feeling memory" - "a body memory"), and cultivating the ability to trust that triggered states "tell the story" of the past without the necessity of either recall or avoid recalling specific incidents.  When the therapist can also help clients connect implicit memory states to young parts of the self, it is easier to address them as a record of old dangers instead of signs of current threat.  Also, when the triggered sensations, emotions, and images are reframed as "the child part's feelings", clients are better able to tolerate their intensity.  Feeling compassion or protectiveness for younger selves also helps the clients to feel their "big-ness", to appreciate the physical size differences, the adult capabilities and resources, and the greater respect which individuals are accorded as adults and the greater safety it enables them to count on."

It's interesting that as I wrote that last sentence, part of me thought - that my FOO didn't really accord me any respect of my 'adult status' during the times they interacted me during the decades that I've been an adult and no longer a child.  It was like they still treated me like their property - as if I had no rights or wishes or any other value in my own right - except to meet their needs.  I wasn't expecting to write that last bit, it's just come to mind as I write this.

Anyway, I just wanted to highlight that part of the book - as I just read it, and somehow it was more meaningful to me this second time of reading the book - it's like I'm perhaps processing things better this time - and noticing certain bits as if it's the first time I've seen them. 

Hope 

[Fen Starshimmer]

Hi Hope and WhoBuddy,
Thank you for your encouraging messages and posts.

I am dropping by to say 'hello' and let you know that I am still reading this wonderful book by Janina Fisher, and expanding my understanding of my trauma by the day.

I haven't been well and found myself needing lighter reading for a week or two. But over the last couple of days, I have been getting back into it.

This morning I wrote several pages in my journal about Chapter 5: Befriending our Parts, Sowing the Seeds of Compassion, where I am now.

I read, digest, write in my journal, review, write. It takes time, but it's how I learn best. There is a lot to take in, but it's all so relevant, and I feel very comfortable with Janina's style of writing.
Sometimes I wonder whether she is a survivor herself, as she refers to "us" and "we" much of the time.

I think a lot of people here will relate to this feeling she states: "I don't know myself, but one thing is clear: I don't like myself."

This was me for most of my life, I hated myself at a visceral level, until I found out that I was suffering from 'PTSD.' Then I began to realise that my experiences weren't normal; they were abuse etc, and that helped me to have a little compassion for myself. But I still didn't have any external validation for years to come.

Others may relate to this statement also:

'The ability to be compassionate or comforting or curious with others, which comes so easily to many trauma survivors, is not matched by the ability to offer themselves the same kindness. What it took to survive has created a bind. It was adaptive "then" to avoid comfort and self-compassion, to shame and self-judge before attachment figures could find them lacking, but now it has come to feel believable that others deserve or belong or are worth more - while, at the same time, it feels that these "others" are not to be trusted; they are dangerous and uncaring.'

I had to behave 'nicely' to my FOO who treated me with anger, hostility and contempt, while hating myself. I wrote a lot about this today in my journal.

Most of my life has a surreal quality to it, like a hideous theatre production, with me staring in a role that was forced upon me, that was NOT me, with no one 'seeing' or 'hearing' me, the REAL me. Confusion overwhelmed the little me (or little me's - the parts) and I became disconnected from myself quite early on. A therapist actually told me I denied myself a few years ago, but I didn't understand what she meant at the time. Now I do understand.... I denied and disowned the parts that drew the most hostility and attacks, and adapted as best I could to the demands of my FOO, especially my F and M. No one was interested in the parts that wanted to speak up and express themselves, so they went undercover, and maybe some of them got lost in all that. By the time I left home, I felt lost. I had given up trying to be me and learned that you've got to keep quiet at all costs, don't have an opinion, agree with the other person in order to be safe. Great start in life, huh! (Not) 

Understanding what happened is part of the healing journey, and I feel lucky to have got this far, to be here now and learning so much that can help me rebuild myself and my life.

I have a sense of the names of some of these disowned parts, and I will go back, review and write them down. Then I plan to befriend them, in the way Janina explains.
This, I understand will give me a new inner resilience, making me feel safer within. (pages 77 - 78)

I recommend this book to anyone who feels stuck in their healing, and is looking for a compassionate approach by someone who really understands.

Fen

[Whobuddy]

I am so very glad that this book is helping you, too! I think it was the single most significantly helpful book in my journey to recovery. And I have gotten help from dozens of books!

I had known that I had more fragmentation that what some had tried to convince me was simply facets of personality. So that was validating. I felt comfort in listing the parts and when they were wounded. It was eye-opening to write about them as separate from me and to offer comfort to them. Something shifted in me for the better when I was doing this. I bought little stuffed creatures to represent my parts and this helped me, too.

I hope you continue to share your thoughts about the book and your journey.

[Hope67]

Most of my life has a surreal quality to it, like a hideous theatre production, with me staring in a role that was forced upon me, that was NOT me, with no one 'seeing' or 'hearing' me, the REAL me. Confusion overwhelmed the little me (or little me's - the parts) and I became disconnected from myself quite early on. A therapist actually told me I denied myself a few years ago, but I didn't understand what she meant at the time. Now I do understand.... I denied and disowned the parts that drew the most hostility and attacks, and adapted as best I could to the demands of my FOO, especially my F and M. No one was interested in the parts that wanted to speak up and express themselves, so they went undercover, and maybe some of them got lost in all that. By the time I left home, I felt lost. I had given up trying to be me and learned that you've got to keep quiet at all costs, don't have an opinion, agree with the other person in order to be safe. Great start in life, huh! (Not) 

Understanding what happened is part of the healing journey, and I feel lucky to have got this far, to be here now and learning so much that can help me rebuild myself and my life.

I have a sense of the names of some of these disowned parts, and I will go back, review and write them down. Then I plan to befriend them, in the way Janina explains.
This, I understand will give me a new inner resilience, making me feel safer within. (pages 77 - 78)

Hi Fen,
I really relate to what you wrote here - I also feel like my life has been some kind of 'novel' and 'not really real' - in some ways.  In many ways.

So glad that you have found the book helpful, and like WhoBuddy says, I hope you will continue to share your thoughts and feelings relating to it, on your journey through healing these fragmented parts.

I have started re-reading it, and so far I've got to p39 - but have stopped for the moment, as I've ended up buying another book (also recommended by WhoBuddy) called "Not Trauma Alone: Therapy for Child Abuse Survivors in Family & Social Context" and so I am going to try to read that one for a while - but I still want to do the exercises in Janina's book - the meditation circle, and continue to do the work on healing the fragmented parts - and I like your summary of that - and I also like WhoBuddy's use of 'plush parts' to represent them.  I am still working out how best to 'depict' and 'connect' with mine. 

Maybe I'll be able to read both books in tandem - i.e. re-read Janina's and be reading the new one too.  I'm also reading one by Torey Hayden called 'The Silent Boy' - so maybe I'm reading too much, but I've always dipped into books - often simultaneously - I used to do that regularly as a child too.  So it's a pattern that I tend to stick to.

Anyway, I just wanted to say that I'm so glad that you are finding the book helpful.

I'll continue to look back at this thread to see if any of us have made further comments, as it's great to have a place we can discuss things.

Hope 

[Fen Starshimmer]

Hello WhoBuddy,
I wish everyone one could read this book, not just us who are suffering  or have suffered at the hands of personality disordered or mentally ill care givers, but ordinary people.  So that we could live in a more trauma conscious society. I now accept that these (abusive) caregivers are likely to never understand what they have caused, because they don't perceive themselves as disordered or ill. But at least, we have the chance to discover our true 'selves' now.

I had known that I had more fragmentation that what some had tried to convince me was simply facets of personality. So that was validating. I felt comfort in listing the parts and when they were wounded. It was eye-opening to write about them as separate from me and to offer comfort to them. Something shifted in me for the better when I was doing this. I bought little stuffed creatures to represent my parts and this helped me, too.

This is comforting to hear WhoBuddy. I look forward to doing the same.  Now you mention 'stuffed creatures'... I have begun to wonder whether my two teddy bears (hugged regularly) are actually parts of me. I will find out more when I begin listing the wounded parts.

Hope - I am glad I am not alone in feeling like my childhood was some kind of theatre production. I think this book is so rich with info and insights that I will be dipping into it for a long time to come. I look forward to reading more of your posts on how you work out how to depict and connect with your parts. I think it's fine to have several books on the go at once. I like to dip into others aswell.  My bedside table is a heap of books!  I could spend hours in bed reading if I had the time.....   I haven't heard of 'The Silent Boy' by Torey Hayden. I'm sure you'll let us know if it's one to look into. 

[Whobuddy]

I have a long standing affinity with stuffed creatures. They were there for me in childhood when no one else was. They were reliable and never judged me. I am so glad to hear of someone else who gets comfort from stuffed 'families of choice!' 

[Hope67]

Hi Fen Starshimmer & WhoBuddy,
I hope you're both doing ok and it's good to see you here in this thread.

Fen Starshimmer - I agree with you that the book is so rich with info and insights, and I am re-reading it again - as of yesterday - I had mislayed it, but now I've found it again, and I was so pleased.  You sound like me, with a bedside table with a heap of books on it!  'The Silent Boy' was ok - but I didn't relate to it so much in the end.  Although I think it was worth reading - at the same time.  Torey Hayden writes very well and has a lot of experience.

So, I'm re-reading Janina's book - and I'm on p.40 - just wanted to highlight a quote I related to, when she said "Of course you are sensitive to disappointment!  After a childhood of neglect and false promises, who wouldn't be sensitive to disappointment?" - yes, I do relate to this - and it makes me wonder about the false promises as I feel like whilst on the one hand I had assumed my needs were met by my FOO, in reality they neglected so many things - and made me believe a totally false reality - all in order to keep their 'reality' intact. 

p42 "Depression might once have provided a cushion against disappointment and being overwhelmed.  Hypervigilance enables even children to stand guard over themselves.  Numbing and loss of interest allow the individual protection against grief and disappointment: if you don't care, it doesn't matter anymore.  Anger pushes others away before they cause harm or, worse yet, before the survivor develops an attachment to them." 
"From a neurobiologically informed perspective, they are "survival resources", ways that the body and mind adapted for optimal survival in a dangerous world."
"By disowning the trauma, or the anger, or the need for contact with others, we lose or deny important aspects of ourselves.  By over-identifying wiht the trauma-related shame, hopelessness, and fear of being seen, we constrict our lives and make ourselves smaller than we need to be."

I can see that a goal is to "recognize and "befriend" their triggered reactions, rather than react to them with alarm, avoidance, or negative interpretations" - I'm hoping to try to do this more - so making a note about this - which is from p.43.

Hope 

[Hope67]

p. 44
"Noticing" as in mindful awareness allows the client to achieve "dual awareness", the ability to stay connected to the emotional or somatic experience whilst also observing it from a very slight mindful distance.

"If one part is remembering something alarming or devastating, other parts can offer support, validation, or comfort"

I really like this aspect - it gives me more hope - I'm going to try to develop that mindful awareness more - I can see how this would be helpful.  It is making sense to me - especially now I'm re-reading it, and seem to be 'taking it in' today!!! 

p.45
"When the therapist teaches clients to observe, "I can sense in myself some curiosity about the depressed part's sadness", they are more connected and attuned to their emotions and sensations - the first step towards achieving the ability to have compassion for themselves."

That is helpful too - it makes sense.

Hope 

[Blueberry]

They were there for me in childhood when no one else was. They were reliable and never judged me. I am so glad to hear of someone else who gets comfort from stuffed 'families of choice!' 

Just skimming through this thread and your words here caught my eye.
For a long time in my healing journey I had 'stuffed families of choice'. A couple of years ago things seemed to change and they're no longer such a healing tool for me. I still have them though.